April - June 1957
My hormones had got the better of me again, for about the fifth time that day. I sat on the bed, my knees hugged as tightly to my chest as possible, the 25-week bulge making even the simplest thing impossible. My hands hid my face as I sobbed uncontrollably. The door opened, and Hawkeye came in, he crawled onto the bed behind me, and wrapped his arms around me as I sobbed.
"Annie, sweetheart what's wrong?" His hands and voice were gentle as he laid his head on my back.
"Everything Hawkeye! Look at me!" I sobbed, I felt his head lift off me and I knew he was looking at me.
"What darling? You're just beautiful, though I prefer you when you smile, and if you think there's something wrong with how you look being pregnant, there isn't. It's a beautiful thing that our baby is growing there." He kissed the back of my neck a few times, but I squirmed away, trying to slap him.
"Hawkeye, get off, sex is not always the answer!" I went downstairs, seeking out the calm childless retreat of Daniel's study. That was the only place in the house the kids weren't allowed, as Daniel needed his own space. Hawkeye and I often sought solace here too as Jess slept in our study until we finished a room upstairs.
I curled on the sofa, oblivious to Daniel writing at his desk. After a while we became aware of each other's presence and I went to leave, so as not to disturb Daniel further.
"Wait, beautiful what's wrong?" Daniel met me at the door, taking me into his arms, and holding me tightly.
"Dad, I can't handle doing the baby thing again, we called it quits at four, and now it's five, and thank god it's not twins! My body hasn't had a break from being pregnant since June 1953! There's only about six months between the twins and April, the same again with April and Jess, and even less between Jess and this one." We hadn't nicknamed the baby yet, and I doubted we ever would, it was too unplanned, and dare I say, unwanted.
"Sweetheart, there is actually something to be said for condoms here." Daniel said, kissing my head. "But Annie, you'll manage, I know you will. I have never, ever, EVER met anyone as tough as you. You'll be just fine."
"Okay you have a point, Hawkeye and I never considered it, I guess we just thought I wouldn't get pregnant a month after giving birth. I've been breastfeeding since March of '54, as soon as I begin to be me again, I find out I'm pregnant. Jess is up all night because she's teething, and once she gets to sleep, I go to bed, only to have to get up at 6 and be a Mum and a housewife until about 7 when the other kids go down, then stay up until 4am with Jess, then get up at 6 and start all over again! So I have two hours solid sleep, combined with three patchy hours before that. Dad I can't hack this, I'm exhausted, physically and mentally. Every muscle hurts, my breasts ache, the baby is taking hell out on my ribs, I can't stop crying and I haven't been able to wear my clothes for months."
"Steady on my dear. You know hormones are what make you so teary. And you and Hawkeye agreed when this baby was born, you were definitely calling it quits, even if you had to practise abstinence just so you'd get your break, Anne, you're 25 weeks pregnant, 11 to go. You're a damn tough woman, and not only a tough one, a beautiful one, so give me a smile okay?" I lifted my face to meet his, and I gave a tiny little smile.
"Thanks, Dad. I think I better go talk to Hawkeye, I kind of yelled at him unreasonably." Dad gave me a hug and a kiss before sending me on my way. I went and made up with Hawkeye as required, he apologised too, and then we went and had a peaceful child-free bath as Margaret taken the four kids into Portland to see Mum.
In a few days, April turned two. The twins had just turned three and Jess was about 5 weeks away from turning 1, which meant I was about 6 or so weeks off giving birth. However I wasn't half as happy as I should have been, in fact there was only one word for it - depressed.
"Come on Anne, give a smile, you're so incredibly mopey, and I love you so much more when you laugh. Not that I don't love you now, but it's so much easier to love a smile." Hawkeye beseeched as I put the final touches on my dress, that I would be wearing to the Pierce-O'Reilly wedding.
"Hawkeye, listen, I'm tired of this, I won't be able to cope with another few hours of labour, I'm not even sure I want the baby." That seemed to hurt Hawkeye deeply.
"Anne, you will want it, from the very first second you hold that precious little life. . ."
"Knowing that for the next few months, he'll deprive me of sleep, vomit and drool on my clothes, and make my emotions even less manageable than they are now!" I said sarcastically.
"Settle, and drop your voice, you'll wake the kids. Would it help you feel closer to the baby if we picked a name?"
"Yeah, it might. Boy or girl?" I lied.
"Boy, look at how you're carrying, so much higher than Jess."
"Yeah." I glanced dispassionately at my bump. "I feel like it's a girl though."
"All the more reason to pick a boy's name. What was Jack's middle name? Adrian, Aden, something like that?"
"Adam." I said dully.
"I like that, okay think a little more, what was your mother's maiden name?"
"Umm, Riley, Anita Kathleen Riley." I had to think there, Mum had been a Dawson, Reuben, Beresford and a Hayes in my lifetime, and I hadn't often heard her maiden name.
"What about Adam Riley Pierce? Do you think that suits?" I put my hands around the belly, and felt the small kicks. Instead of the usual thrill of life, I felt nothing, as if I was detached from the baby, a separate being.
"Yeah, Adam, sounds good, but if it is a girl can we call her Bridget Adrienne?" I asked, trying to feel connected with the baby. It was still 'the' baby, never 'my' baby, or even 'our' baby, unless it came from Hawkeye's mouth.
"That's pretty, I like it. Now you and Adam lie down and go to sleep, and please try and smile for the wedding tomorrow." Daniel and Mrs O were marrying in the afternoon and we were playing host to quite a few O'Reillys.
"Okay, I promise I will smile tomorrow." I said. Hawkeye put an arm around me and eased me back onto the bed, kissing my face softly, wishing me sweet dreams. I fell asleep, not feeling any closer to the baby in the least.
"Congratulations Dad!" Hawkeye and I descended upon the newly-married man. We hugged and kissed him lovingly, and did the same for Mrs O, as I still fondly called her, despite her new title.
"Thankyou, oh Annie, can't you manage a smile?" Daniel asked. I shook my head, Mum had phoned again with no idea of where Lily was, and we believed she'd left the state.
"Dad, I hate to be a party-pooper, but I really don't want the baby, and Lily's missing, I'm sick with worry."
"Come on, I'll have a dance with you, that ought to make you smile." I went for a dance with Daniel, and as he predicted, felt a whole lot better after a lot of empty flirting, that I noticed with a smile, Hawkeye and Mrs O were also cheerfully engaging in.
"Thanks Daniel, I'm very lucky to have you, and so is Mrs O, if you two don't deserve this, I dunno who does." Hawkeye and Daniel switched partners. The newlyweds left for their weekend in Nova Scotia and Hawkeye and I returned home, and I was surprised to find myself feeling better, well enough to indulge in a little cuddling and teasing with Hawkeye.
"Mummy, why you sad? It Jess birthday, be happy." Felicity said. I forced a smile. I was due almost any day, but to my concern, the baby hadn't moved since the first. Daniel was mildly concerned, but didn't want to act in a hurry before I was due.
"I'm sorry Princess, Mummy's just worried about her baby."
"Why's is you worry?" Ben asked.
"Never mind Sport. Mummy's just being silly. Now, let's go and see if Daddy's finished with Jess." He'd taken her upstairs for a diaper. We were having a small family thing, with Daniel and Mrs O, and I forced myself to remain smiling, so my kids at least thought I was happy.
"Daniel, I'm really worried, the baby hasn't moved since the morning of the first, it's twelve days now." I said, coming into his office I was due today, but the bay hadn't moved. Mrs O removed herself from the corner of the desk and Daniel wiped lipstick off his face.
"Let me hear." Daniel said seriously. Grabbing his stethoscope, his face creased with concern he searched for my baby's heartbeat.
"Annie, I can't find one, we have a serious problem here. Edna, can you watch the kids, I want to get Annie into hospital ASAP, I'm worried about the baby's health. Tell Hawkeye we're going to Portland when he gets back. And get him to bring Annie some overnight things, for at least three days, I doubt she'll be home tonight."
"Of course Dan, what are you going to do?"
"We're going to induce, it's been 12 days since the baby last moved, it's not looking good, but it may not yet be too late." Daniel said, looking I though very worried.
"Oh, gee that's sure a worry, hope it all goes good." Edna said. Daniel disappeared muttering something about calling the hospital.
"Thanks, they'll be up from their naps soon, and if they're not up by three, wake them, or they'll be up all night. They all still have a bottle before bed, no cookies before dinner, and get the twins to go on the toilet before bed, but put a diaper on." They slept all night, but wore diapers just in case.
"Okay, good luck Annie, I sure hope it all goes real good for you." Daniel rushed me into my coat and into the car, before I knew it we were halfway to Portland. The Cove was too small for cases like this.
"Can't I have any painkillers?" Daniel had ruptured the membrane, and things were moving very, very quickly as I was also on all sorts of drugs to accelerate things and it all hurt like hell, worse than with any of my other kids.
"I'm so sorry, but we need you as alert as possible, here's Doctor Pierce again." Daniel came back into the room, he had been in the waiting room, subduing a raving Hawkeye who was not allowed in.
I took another deep breath under Daniel's instruction and tried to push. Everything hurt so much I didn't know my ups from my downs. The world was unpleasantly hot and fuzzy and I could barely keep my eyes open.
"Come on Annie, one more, please sweetheart, do it for Hawkeye." Daniel said. I screamed my lungs out, and passed out as Daniel delivered the baby.
"Wake up Mrs Pierce, wake up." I stirred a little as the nurse called my name, I was aware of Daniel cleaning up and another nurse doing something with the baby.
"Can I see him?" I whispered, knowing at once that something was wrong from the stricken look on Daniel's face and the fragile way in which I was treated.
"I'm terribly sorry Mrs Pierce, he was a stillborn, but of course you may see him." The other nurse came over, displaying a little blue baby, whose eyes were closed. I held my hands out but I was refused.
"I'm sorry Mrs Pierce, we try not to allow mothers to hold dead children, we don't want to allow them to get too close as the baby is already dead."
"Dammit! I want to hold my baby, and say goodbye properly and get my husband in here." I said. Daniel became aware of the kafuffle and came over.
"Nurse Bright! Give her the baby at once and go and fetch her husband, or I'll see to it you can't nurse anywhere on the east coast!" The nurse gave me my baby gently and hurried out.
"Anne, he was born dead there was nothing we could do, but I didn't want to induce you before your due date, it would have been even harder. I'm so sorry." Daniel said, I could hear tears cracking in his normally strong voice.
"Annie, oh my god, I've been out of my mind about you, but you're holding him, it's good news!" Hawkeye ran in, but at the sight of Daniel's white face and my tears, which I hadn't even realised were falling, he knew things weren't good.
"Stillborn Hawkeye honey." I said, looking at the little baby. You could see he was a Dawson, just the image of Jack, with damp blonde fuzz, and I'd bet he had blue eyes under the sickly grey lids.
"My boy, oh god, I don't believe it, but you were so real, I felt you kicking in her womb."
"I'll leave you two to say goodbye, can I hold him for a second?" I handed Daniel the lifeless body. "Hi Adam, it's Grandpa here, I hope you can hear me, because I can tell right now that you would have been a very beautiful baby and I'm sorry I'll never get to see you grow up." He kissed the little head, before kissing Hawkeye and I and left.
"Hey son, I wanted another boy very much, so I had two boys to take fishing, and teach about women, all that kind of stuff, and I hope that where you are now, you still get to learn that. And a word of advice, if you find a woman who you love when you're grown up, don't let her get away, remember that Adam. Goodbye baby." Hawkeye was crying as he held his son, and said his last goodbyes.
"Hi Adam, it's your mummy. I'm sorry I never got to know you properly when you were inside me and I'm sorry for saying I didn't want you, because I do want you, very much. I love you dearly, wherever you are, you're still my son, I don't know if you can hear me, but I love you, and I'm going to miss you terribly. Goodbye baby boy, you'll never know how important you were to me." I cradled the baby tightly, and kissed him, admiring his tiny little hands and as I unwrapped him his feet. He was perfect in every way, and a Dawson right down to the ground.
"Bye little man Mummy loves you." I gave him a last loving kiss before handing him over to the nurse. Then Hawkeye and I held each other and in the quiet of the delivery suite, we wept.
Hawkeye's arms stopped me from shaking as that tiny white coffin was put to rest beside Katharine's grave. On the other side of the beautiful marble headstone, an empty plot stood, one that I didn't want to ever see filled, as it was reserved for the then young doctor whom Katharine Bridget O'Hara had agreed to marry so many years ago.
Margaret was on Hawkeye's other side, holding his hand, and comforting him and BJ was the one who embraced all of us as a group while Peggy did her best to mind Erin, Amy-Jane, Hayden and my four. My friends had stayed true to their word and come when I needed them most, to hold me as my baby was lowered into the ground.
I had been discharged four days after giving birth, and by then BJ, Peggy and the kids were comfortably settled in the spare room. By then Hawkeye had very gently explained that the baby wasn't coming home with Mummy, that the baby was dead, but had gone to Heaven, and wasn't coming back. But I'd still had to go over the story we'd agreed on to explain things for their smaller minds, one Hawkeye had been told as a boy of 12.
Every baby that was growing in a woman was an angel, and when a person died, they became an angel again, like a big circle. God had decided that my baby, his angel wasn't ready for Earth and took his angel back. The kids understood, and accepted this story much to my relief. We'd also explained death meant people no longer lived or breathed, and that it could happen to anyone or anything.
I'd had Alice draw a beautiful sketch of Adam, and it was framed and kept in Hawkeye's and my room, but whenever they wanted, the kids were free to look at it, and talk about their baby brother. Basically, I was doing everything to make it as easy for them as possible, while not being over it myself.
"Sidney, I'm worried about her." Hawkeye's voice came, an urgent whisper on the phone as I cooked breakfast in the kitchen early one morning. "She's never cried this hard before." I sobbed endlessly every time someone brought Adam up, and I hadn't touched any of the things I loved to do, sew, play the piano, have a tea party with Felicity, anything.
I had a huge empty hole inside me. I didn't mean the slowly retreating cavity where the baby had grown, I meant the desire to hold Adam, to love my baby. It hurt to think, to see my other children, to laugh, everything I did made my heart ache. Even living itself was painful.
"No, this is harder than with Jack." Hawkeye said. "You didn't see how hard she cried when she miscarried back in Korea did you? No, but that was pretty hard too, but this is worse than anything I've ever seen from her, and I am actually worried about her." I was chopping something, and I slipped, the sharp knife slicing my finger.
"I don't know Sidney. . ." I stopped listening as I studied the scarlet fluid on my fingertip. I turned the knife slowly in my hand, studying the glint of the silver blade stained by my blood.
I pushed my sleeve off my wrist and studied the veins visible through my pale skin, I looked again at the knife. I knew where to cut, how to cut, and I wondered if two cuts to my wrists was the best way to end the pain I was in. Thoughtfully I tested the blade against my skin, not enough to draw blood, but enough to hurt.
I'd come to my decision, I'd do it, I needed to, everything else hurt too much. Taking the knife with me, I headed into the bathroom, and sat in the empty bath. I paused for a second to offer a loving prayer to my children, husband, and siblings. Then with determination, I put the blade of the knife, warmed a little by my blood, at the precise angle for the best incision to my wrist and said goodbye to the pain.
A/N I know just how much you hate cliff hangers, so the more reviews I get, the sooner you'll find out if Anne's okay. (I don't usually blackmail, I'm just grumpy today) Hey, you might even get smut if the chapters are good enough. (Okay I sound like Assilem now!!)
My hormones had got the better of me again, for about the fifth time that day. I sat on the bed, my knees hugged as tightly to my chest as possible, the 25-week bulge making even the simplest thing impossible. My hands hid my face as I sobbed uncontrollably. The door opened, and Hawkeye came in, he crawled onto the bed behind me, and wrapped his arms around me as I sobbed.
"Annie, sweetheart what's wrong?" His hands and voice were gentle as he laid his head on my back.
"Everything Hawkeye! Look at me!" I sobbed, I felt his head lift off me and I knew he was looking at me.
"What darling? You're just beautiful, though I prefer you when you smile, and if you think there's something wrong with how you look being pregnant, there isn't. It's a beautiful thing that our baby is growing there." He kissed the back of my neck a few times, but I squirmed away, trying to slap him.
"Hawkeye, get off, sex is not always the answer!" I went downstairs, seeking out the calm childless retreat of Daniel's study. That was the only place in the house the kids weren't allowed, as Daniel needed his own space. Hawkeye and I often sought solace here too as Jess slept in our study until we finished a room upstairs.
I curled on the sofa, oblivious to Daniel writing at his desk. After a while we became aware of each other's presence and I went to leave, so as not to disturb Daniel further.
"Wait, beautiful what's wrong?" Daniel met me at the door, taking me into his arms, and holding me tightly.
"Dad, I can't handle doing the baby thing again, we called it quits at four, and now it's five, and thank god it's not twins! My body hasn't had a break from being pregnant since June 1953! There's only about six months between the twins and April, the same again with April and Jess, and even less between Jess and this one." We hadn't nicknamed the baby yet, and I doubted we ever would, it was too unplanned, and dare I say, unwanted.
"Sweetheart, there is actually something to be said for condoms here." Daniel said, kissing my head. "But Annie, you'll manage, I know you will. I have never, ever, EVER met anyone as tough as you. You'll be just fine."
"Okay you have a point, Hawkeye and I never considered it, I guess we just thought I wouldn't get pregnant a month after giving birth. I've been breastfeeding since March of '54, as soon as I begin to be me again, I find out I'm pregnant. Jess is up all night because she's teething, and once she gets to sleep, I go to bed, only to have to get up at 6 and be a Mum and a housewife until about 7 when the other kids go down, then stay up until 4am with Jess, then get up at 6 and start all over again! So I have two hours solid sleep, combined with three patchy hours before that. Dad I can't hack this, I'm exhausted, physically and mentally. Every muscle hurts, my breasts ache, the baby is taking hell out on my ribs, I can't stop crying and I haven't been able to wear my clothes for months."
"Steady on my dear. You know hormones are what make you so teary. And you and Hawkeye agreed when this baby was born, you were definitely calling it quits, even if you had to practise abstinence just so you'd get your break, Anne, you're 25 weeks pregnant, 11 to go. You're a damn tough woman, and not only a tough one, a beautiful one, so give me a smile okay?" I lifted my face to meet his, and I gave a tiny little smile.
"Thanks, Dad. I think I better go talk to Hawkeye, I kind of yelled at him unreasonably." Dad gave me a hug and a kiss before sending me on my way. I went and made up with Hawkeye as required, he apologised too, and then we went and had a peaceful child-free bath as Margaret taken the four kids into Portland to see Mum.
In a few days, April turned two. The twins had just turned three and Jess was about 5 weeks away from turning 1, which meant I was about 6 or so weeks off giving birth. However I wasn't half as happy as I should have been, in fact there was only one word for it - depressed.
"Come on Anne, give a smile, you're so incredibly mopey, and I love you so much more when you laugh. Not that I don't love you now, but it's so much easier to love a smile." Hawkeye beseeched as I put the final touches on my dress, that I would be wearing to the Pierce-O'Reilly wedding.
"Hawkeye, listen, I'm tired of this, I won't be able to cope with another few hours of labour, I'm not even sure I want the baby." That seemed to hurt Hawkeye deeply.
"Anne, you will want it, from the very first second you hold that precious little life. . ."
"Knowing that for the next few months, he'll deprive me of sleep, vomit and drool on my clothes, and make my emotions even less manageable than they are now!" I said sarcastically.
"Settle, and drop your voice, you'll wake the kids. Would it help you feel closer to the baby if we picked a name?"
"Yeah, it might. Boy or girl?" I lied.
"Boy, look at how you're carrying, so much higher than Jess."
"Yeah." I glanced dispassionately at my bump. "I feel like it's a girl though."
"All the more reason to pick a boy's name. What was Jack's middle name? Adrian, Aden, something like that?"
"Adam." I said dully.
"I like that, okay think a little more, what was your mother's maiden name?"
"Umm, Riley, Anita Kathleen Riley." I had to think there, Mum had been a Dawson, Reuben, Beresford and a Hayes in my lifetime, and I hadn't often heard her maiden name.
"What about Adam Riley Pierce? Do you think that suits?" I put my hands around the belly, and felt the small kicks. Instead of the usual thrill of life, I felt nothing, as if I was detached from the baby, a separate being.
"Yeah, Adam, sounds good, but if it is a girl can we call her Bridget Adrienne?" I asked, trying to feel connected with the baby. It was still 'the' baby, never 'my' baby, or even 'our' baby, unless it came from Hawkeye's mouth.
"That's pretty, I like it. Now you and Adam lie down and go to sleep, and please try and smile for the wedding tomorrow." Daniel and Mrs O were marrying in the afternoon and we were playing host to quite a few O'Reillys.
"Okay, I promise I will smile tomorrow." I said. Hawkeye put an arm around me and eased me back onto the bed, kissing my face softly, wishing me sweet dreams. I fell asleep, not feeling any closer to the baby in the least.
"Congratulations Dad!" Hawkeye and I descended upon the newly-married man. We hugged and kissed him lovingly, and did the same for Mrs O, as I still fondly called her, despite her new title.
"Thankyou, oh Annie, can't you manage a smile?" Daniel asked. I shook my head, Mum had phoned again with no idea of where Lily was, and we believed she'd left the state.
"Dad, I hate to be a party-pooper, but I really don't want the baby, and Lily's missing, I'm sick with worry."
"Come on, I'll have a dance with you, that ought to make you smile." I went for a dance with Daniel, and as he predicted, felt a whole lot better after a lot of empty flirting, that I noticed with a smile, Hawkeye and Mrs O were also cheerfully engaging in.
"Thanks Daniel, I'm very lucky to have you, and so is Mrs O, if you two don't deserve this, I dunno who does." Hawkeye and Daniel switched partners. The newlyweds left for their weekend in Nova Scotia and Hawkeye and I returned home, and I was surprised to find myself feeling better, well enough to indulge in a little cuddling and teasing with Hawkeye.
"Mummy, why you sad? It Jess birthday, be happy." Felicity said. I forced a smile. I was due almost any day, but to my concern, the baby hadn't moved since the first. Daniel was mildly concerned, but didn't want to act in a hurry before I was due.
"I'm sorry Princess, Mummy's just worried about her baby."
"Why's is you worry?" Ben asked.
"Never mind Sport. Mummy's just being silly. Now, let's go and see if Daddy's finished with Jess." He'd taken her upstairs for a diaper. We were having a small family thing, with Daniel and Mrs O, and I forced myself to remain smiling, so my kids at least thought I was happy.
"Daniel, I'm really worried, the baby hasn't moved since the morning of the first, it's twelve days now." I said, coming into his office I was due today, but the bay hadn't moved. Mrs O removed herself from the corner of the desk and Daniel wiped lipstick off his face.
"Let me hear." Daniel said seriously. Grabbing his stethoscope, his face creased with concern he searched for my baby's heartbeat.
"Annie, I can't find one, we have a serious problem here. Edna, can you watch the kids, I want to get Annie into hospital ASAP, I'm worried about the baby's health. Tell Hawkeye we're going to Portland when he gets back. And get him to bring Annie some overnight things, for at least three days, I doubt she'll be home tonight."
"Of course Dan, what are you going to do?"
"We're going to induce, it's been 12 days since the baby last moved, it's not looking good, but it may not yet be too late." Daniel said, looking I though very worried.
"Oh, gee that's sure a worry, hope it all goes good." Edna said. Daniel disappeared muttering something about calling the hospital.
"Thanks, they'll be up from their naps soon, and if they're not up by three, wake them, or they'll be up all night. They all still have a bottle before bed, no cookies before dinner, and get the twins to go on the toilet before bed, but put a diaper on." They slept all night, but wore diapers just in case.
"Okay, good luck Annie, I sure hope it all goes real good for you." Daniel rushed me into my coat and into the car, before I knew it we were halfway to Portland. The Cove was too small for cases like this.
"Can't I have any painkillers?" Daniel had ruptured the membrane, and things were moving very, very quickly as I was also on all sorts of drugs to accelerate things and it all hurt like hell, worse than with any of my other kids.
"I'm so sorry, but we need you as alert as possible, here's Doctor Pierce again." Daniel came back into the room, he had been in the waiting room, subduing a raving Hawkeye who was not allowed in.
I took another deep breath under Daniel's instruction and tried to push. Everything hurt so much I didn't know my ups from my downs. The world was unpleasantly hot and fuzzy and I could barely keep my eyes open.
"Come on Annie, one more, please sweetheart, do it for Hawkeye." Daniel said. I screamed my lungs out, and passed out as Daniel delivered the baby.
"Wake up Mrs Pierce, wake up." I stirred a little as the nurse called my name, I was aware of Daniel cleaning up and another nurse doing something with the baby.
"Can I see him?" I whispered, knowing at once that something was wrong from the stricken look on Daniel's face and the fragile way in which I was treated.
"I'm terribly sorry Mrs Pierce, he was a stillborn, but of course you may see him." The other nurse came over, displaying a little blue baby, whose eyes were closed. I held my hands out but I was refused.
"I'm sorry Mrs Pierce, we try not to allow mothers to hold dead children, we don't want to allow them to get too close as the baby is already dead."
"Dammit! I want to hold my baby, and say goodbye properly and get my husband in here." I said. Daniel became aware of the kafuffle and came over.
"Nurse Bright! Give her the baby at once and go and fetch her husband, or I'll see to it you can't nurse anywhere on the east coast!" The nurse gave me my baby gently and hurried out.
"Anne, he was born dead there was nothing we could do, but I didn't want to induce you before your due date, it would have been even harder. I'm so sorry." Daniel said, I could hear tears cracking in his normally strong voice.
"Annie, oh my god, I've been out of my mind about you, but you're holding him, it's good news!" Hawkeye ran in, but at the sight of Daniel's white face and my tears, which I hadn't even realised were falling, he knew things weren't good.
"Stillborn Hawkeye honey." I said, looking at the little baby. You could see he was a Dawson, just the image of Jack, with damp blonde fuzz, and I'd bet he had blue eyes under the sickly grey lids.
"My boy, oh god, I don't believe it, but you were so real, I felt you kicking in her womb."
"I'll leave you two to say goodbye, can I hold him for a second?" I handed Daniel the lifeless body. "Hi Adam, it's Grandpa here, I hope you can hear me, because I can tell right now that you would have been a very beautiful baby and I'm sorry I'll never get to see you grow up." He kissed the little head, before kissing Hawkeye and I and left.
"Hey son, I wanted another boy very much, so I had two boys to take fishing, and teach about women, all that kind of stuff, and I hope that where you are now, you still get to learn that. And a word of advice, if you find a woman who you love when you're grown up, don't let her get away, remember that Adam. Goodbye baby." Hawkeye was crying as he held his son, and said his last goodbyes.
"Hi Adam, it's your mummy. I'm sorry I never got to know you properly when you were inside me and I'm sorry for saying I didn't want you, because I do want you, very much. I love you dearly, wherever you are, you're still my son, I don't know if you can hear me, but I love you, and I'm going to miss you terribly. Goodbye baby boy, you'll never know how important you were to me." I cradled the baby tightly, and kissed him, admiring his tiny little hands and as I unwrapped him his feet. He was perfect in every way, and a Dawson right down to the ground.
"Bye little man Mummy loves you." I gave him a last loving kiss before handing him over to the nurse. Then Hawkeye and I held each other and in the quiet of the delivery suite, we wept.
Hawkeye's arms stopped me from shaking as that tiny white coffin was put to rest beside Katharine's grave. On the other side of the beautiful marble headstone, an empty plot stood, one that I didn't want to ever see filled, as it was reserved for the then young doctor whom Katharine Bridget O'Hara had agreed to marry so many years ago.
Margaret was on Hawkeye's other side, holding his hand, and comforting him and BJ was the one who embraced all of us as a group while Peggy did her best to mind Erin, Amy-Jane, Hayden and my four. My friends had stayed true to their word and come when I needed them most, to hold me as my baby was lowered into the ground.
I had been discharged four days after giving birth, and by then BJ, Peggy and the kids were comfortably settled in the spare room. By then Hawkeye had very gently explained that the baby wasn't coming home with Mummy, that the baby was dead, but had gone to Heaven, and wasn't coming back. But I'd still had to go over the story we'd agreed on to explain things for their smaller minds, one Hawkeye had been told as a boy of 12.
Every baby that was growing in a woman was an angel, and when a person died, they became an angel again, like a big circle. God had decided that my baby, his angel wasn't ready for Earth and took his angel back. The kids understood, and accepted this story much to my relief. We'd also explained death meant people no longer lived or breathed, and that it could happen to anyone or anything.
I'd had Alice draw a beautiful sketch of Adam, and it was framed and kept in Hawkeye's and my room, but whenever they wanted, the kids were free to look at it, and talk about their baby brother. Basically, I was doing everything to make it as easy for them as possible, while not being over it myself.
"Sidney, I'm worried about her." Hawkeye's voice came, an urgent whisper on the phone as I cooked breakfast in the kitchen early one morning. "She's never cried this hard before." I sobbed endlessly every time someone brought Adam up, and I hadn't touched any of the things I loved to do, sew, play the piano, have a tea party with Felicity, anything.
I had a huge empty hole inside me. I didn't mean the slowly retreating cavity where the baby had grown, I meant the desire to hold Adam, to love my baby. It hurt to think, to see my other children, to laugh, everything I did made my heart ache. Even living itself was painful.
"No, this is harder than with Jack." Hawkeye said. "You didn't see how hard she cried when she miscarried back in Korea did you? No, but that was pretty hard too, but this is worse than anything I've ever seen from her, and I am actually worried about her." I was chopping something, and I slipped, the sharp knife slicing my finger.
"I don't know Sidney. . ." I stopped listening as I studied the scarlet fluid on my fingertip. I turned the knife slowly in my hand, studying the glint of the silver blade stained by my blood.
I pushed my sleeve off my wrist and studied the veins visible through my pale skin, I looked again at the knife. I knew where to cut, how to cut, and I wondered if two cuts to my wrists was the best way to end the pain I was in. Thoughtfully I tested the blade against my skin, not enough to draw blood, but enough to hurt.
I'd come to my decision, I'd do it, I needed to, everything else hurt too much. Taking the knife with me, I headed into the bathroom, and sat in the empty bath. I paused for a second to offer a loving prayer to my children, husband, and siblings. Then with determination, I put the blade of the knife, warmed a little by my blood, at the precise angle for the best incision to my wrist and said goodbye to the pain.
A/N I know just how much you hate cliff hangers, so the more reviews I get, the sooner you'll find out if Anne's okay. (I don't usually blackmail, I'm just grumpy today) Hey, you might even get smut if the chapters are good enough. (Okay I sound like Assilem now!!)