Got to Begin Again

All the words have been spoken
And the prophecy fulfilled
But I just can't decide where to go
Yes, it's been quite a day
And I should go to sleep
But tomorrow I will wake up and I'll know
That I've got to begin again
Though I don't know how to start
Yes, I've got to begin again, and it's hard

"Sit down," Vala muttered to herself. "Sit down and weep." She wanted to, she honestly wanted to… But she couldn't. Vala suffered from a rare disease--an unattached heart. She had forgotten how to feel several years back; it was easier that way. She simply did not care, or at least she taught herself to believe that. In the course of building this wall, Vala had forgotten how to laugh, how to cry… She forgot how to be human. She forgot the simple pleasures of being alive. She forgot the feeling of a crisp breath in her lungs, the wind playing games across her face and through her hair, the feeling of a warm, summer sun… Natural feelings most people take for granted.

Though she could remember a time in her life when she did feel. A time when she learned how to smile, to laugh and even to cry… She had learned how it felt to leave a loved one behind, to feel her heart finally shatter into a thousand pieces.

"Sirius," her voice strained, a sharp twitch following in her eye. "I hate this life."

A black, rugged dog stepped apart of the trees and brush. Vala was too exhausted to react. Instead she paused in a sad and tired manner, then continued on her slow journey. A hopeless journey built on false dreams and truths. The dog followed alongside her. Her only companion in an empty world.

"Twenty eight," she said, "And sick of living. Such a waste."

The dog poked at her hand. When she didn't respond, he softly bit into her dress and tugged towards a gap in the trees. Not far in was a small clearing. Shaded and just enough room for a dog and his master.

Vala continued. The dog tugged harder and she complied. "Alright," she surrendered, "Then we sleep." Following him into the forest, she put her weary body to rest.

. . . . . . . . . .

"Fae… You've been up all night. Why don't you come to bed?"

"I can't," she insisted. "I need to find Vala." Rubbing her temples and closing her eyes in concentration, a cigarette dangled from her lips. She had left Remus' quite some time ago, but promised him she would keep searching for Vala. If nothing else, Fae held to her promises.

Another candle burned itself out; the incense had dropped its last spiral of ashes hours ago. A small window, with its ledge spattered with droplets of dew, released columns of smoke. The sky was a gentle grey, clogged with clouds and the faint whispers of a new day. And still, Fae searched. She searched through every mind for the slightest indication of Vala's dwellings. She had already tried finding Vala personally, but something was wrong… her mind was somehow shut off to Fae. She was alive, she could feel that, but she couldn't crawl into Vala's head. She couldn't read her thoughts.

"Love, she'll still be there when you get back… She's probably sleeping."

Fae turned on him. "But what if something happens? What if she opens up to me or someone finds her? I have to keep searching, Grant, I have to!"

Grant propelled himself from the doorway and walked up alongside his fiancée. He crouched down near her and brushed the hair from her eyes. "Fae, darling, come to bed… You won't find anything else tonight." He kissed her forehead. "You're exhausted. Get some sleep and then we can search again… I'll contact my relatives if I have to. We'll find out what happened to her and where she is. Don't worry, love, we'll catch up to her."

Turning her eyes to him, she looked near tears. "I'm just so worried, Grant. What if something happens to her?"

"She'll be alright," he assured, wrapping his arms around her middle and helping her up. "She can take care of herself." Together, Grant's arm around Fae's waist and Fae's around Grant's neck, they made their way to their bedroom. "Do you remember what you once told me?" Grant asked conversationally.

"No," Fae answered, then stopping. "Well, I may. Refresh my memory."

"It was the night of Vala's wedding…"

"I think I remember."

He looked to her. "You told me Vala was a clock, and that even broken clocks could tick again."

"Yes, I remember."

"Well," he paused to let Fae into bed, and crawling over the floorboard, joined her. "Suppose Vala is that clock, and suppose this is just her ticking again."

"Why can't I get into her mind?" Fae countered, not entirely convinced. "That's only happened once before, and that was a hopeless case."

"Who was it?" Grant inquired, propping himself up on an elbow.

Fae's eyes were lost somewhere between reality and fantasy, that timeless space between the earth and the moon. "It was a girl that could slit her wrists and not feel a thing. It was a girl that could cut herself off from the world, ignore everything pressing and important, and still live. She did not have friends or acknowledge a family. If you talked to her, she would simply stare at you. She had the grimmest eyes you ever did see, some would say she was soulless…" Finally, she found Grant. "She wasn't alive. She breathed and she watched, but she could not live."

"Do you fear that's what Vala's turned into?" Grant attempted to confirm.

She looked at him in a piercing, frightening way. "No, I do not fear, Grant. I know."

"Well," he thought for a moment, "Have you ever stopped to consider that perhaps it takes some time before she can tick without flaw?" He paused for another moment and took a deep breath. Shifting to two elbows, he continued, "Don't you think it will take her some time to really find herself? You need to remember that she hasn't had an easy life… When she was sixteen her parents were killed by Death Eaters. Following that, she lived comfortably enough. But then the whole ordeal with the Potters and Sirius has to be taken into account--and the following year she was married to Saxon. Think about it, darling, for twelve years she was the silent wife of Saxon Malfoy… She fell into some type of routine with him. Sure, she wasn't happy--but she wasn't sad either. She was living, Fae, that's all… All the usual obligations of being alive." He turned on his side to examine her language. "Think were she is now. Think of what she's going through. Would you handle it easily? She's twenty-eight, Fae, and she's just finding out who she is. Don't you think that will take some time?"

Fae rest her head on her crossed arms and stared at Grant. A long moment paused before she said, "I sure hate when you're right."

He smiled and kissed her mouth. "Have some faith, love. Being a Seer is looking into the future, but being human is looking into the past as well. Don't forget what you are."

She pouted for a moment, then let a small bit of sunshine crack through. "It's lucky I have you to keep me in check," she said, curling up into him.

"Oh, the feeling is mutual, love," he said, wrapping himself around her. "Entirely mutual."

. . . . . . . . . .

Lying straight, head between paws, Padfoot sat watch. His master was curled up beside him, deep in sleep and deeper in her subconscious. Occasionally she would shake, and Padfoot would nudge her lightly; enough to bring her away from nightmares, but never enough to wake her. He was a type of dream catcher that night, catching all her nightmares and letting her keep the pleasant ones.

In her mind, a reoccurring dream came around, familiar pictures filling her mind.

"I hate this life," she huffed, crossing her arms.

"There's love," he replied, touching her arm and leaning forward.

"What is love?" she asked, pulling away. "Other than an excuse to indulge in guilty pleasures, to lie and scheme, and proclaim it all in the name of love? What is it? Other than an excuse?"

"Love is simple."

"Love is ridiculous," she concluded, turning her back to him. "Love is forgetting all other commitments. Love is hurtful." She spoke with spiteful experience, and the ache of past relationships cut her speech into jagged shapes.

"Love is understanding," he whispered, moving closer. His voice wrapped itself around her, soothing her, comforting her. "Love is feeling your pain… your heart break."

Vala sighed, and faced him. Her arms dropped in defeat. "You were never there to piece me back together."

Sirius stepped forward, his eyes catching the light. "I am now."

Vala woke, her eyes shooting from the leaves to the bushes and finally, to the dog.