Chapter 1

Why can't I hate you? Why? I want to forget you and leave you! But I can't. I'm too weak. I'm losing balance, everything's swaying from side-to-side. Oops! I dropped the knife. It's all bloody. Did I do that? My eyes focus slowly on the pain that's coming somewhere near my hand. I catch the wall and slip slowly to the floor. My wrists, they're dripping red, and it-it's dripping fast.

No! I can't die! I can't! No!....but..then...what is there to live for? You hate me. No, it's more than hate. You want me gone, gone from this world. That's it., isn't it? You want me dead. I chuckle, bringing my knees closer, curling into a ball. Well, I'll be gone, for good. It'll be a few minutes until then, but I'll go away for good, where you don't have to worry about me and having to worry about me, but I know you never did anyway.

It's getting cold. Real cold. i can barely hear my breathing. It's so hard to breathe. Everything's swaying, swaying, swaying...Was that a slam? Who's there? Is that you, Yuki? No, don't come in! I'm not dead yet! No! Stay away! Yuki..I ....I....I love you. Don't see me like this. I'm dying, but not dead. Don't come in....

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That brat! My hands slam against the wheel. Why won't he pick up? I know he's home. He's got to be! Where else would he go? Chill out, man. Everything's all right. Grip the wheel and drive, grip the wheel and drive. Take in deep, short breaths....

Oh, who the fuck am I kidding? Why didn't that stupid Hiro tell me earlier? Damn it! The lights zoom past, faster and faster and faster, but my foot doesn't want to leave the damn gas.

It's just a stupid joke. He was just playing with my mind. That's all. I slam harder on the pedal.

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flashback

"Eiri-san. there's somthing I have to tell you. I may regret it later since Shu didn't wa-"

"Shu?! You mean Shuichi?! Where is he?! The damn brat hasn't even called me! He's at his parents again, isn't he? That damn punk. I swear, he just likes to get on my nerves. What's he crying about this time?"

"What the-.Do you know how serious this is?! I don't know where he is! But...I do know...."

"What?! Tell me, goddamit! I don't have all fucking day here!"

"Chill the fuck out so I can tell you then!"

"......."

"Shuichi got drunk, ok? But it-"

"That's it? He just got drunk? That's it?!"

"No! Damn it! He was drunk, yeah, but...he....started saying things...."

"Hmph. Don't drunks always say things?"

"SHUT THE FUCK UP!! He may have been out of his mind, but I know my Shu! His eyes and expressions can tell me everything I want to know! And I know he meant what he said!"

"What?! Dammit, stop stalling and get to the fucking point!"

"He said...he said he didn't want to live anymore...."

"WHAT??!!!"

"He's going to kill himself! I just know it! Yuki-san, you've got to save him! Please! I know that you hate him and all, but, please, don't let him kill himself. I-I love him too damn much to let him die, but you're the only one who can save him..."

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FUCK! My hand slams harder on the wheel, my foot pressing the pedal all the way. Damn, Shuichi! Why do you have to do this? Why dammit?! Deep breaths. C'mon. You gotta stay chilled. One, two, breathe. One, two, breathe.

Eh?! The house! Yes! Fuck, hurry up! Please, God, let him be there. Let him be all right. Please, God. Don't let him be...

The door! It's open?! Ack! Not possible! Is that blood on the floor? Shu!! Go faster you stupid floor. No! I can't slip now! Must keep moving...must...Shu?? What the fu-??!!

Your wrists...they're cut!! Did you do this?!

My clothes, they're getting drenched with your blood. I have to get help. Don't worry Shuichi, I'm going to get help. Don't leave me. Please. I love you, Shuichi. Huh? Did I just say that out loud?

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Close the door! Wha-? Your face, it's in agony. Over me? No, you'd never show hurt even if it killed you, because it's killing me, it's what you want. Don't hold me...I-I can't stand it. Oh, Yuki. I love you. Your touch, it sends me hope and happiness, but right now, I can't smile.

Stop it! Stop looking at me like that! Why are you holding my hands, it's not like you care or anything. It's just blood after all. You've seen it many times, even tainted yourself with it. No..Yuki..why are you going to the phone? For help? But....I don't need help. I need you, Yuki. No. Don't leave me. Please. I love you, Yuki. What-What did you just say? Did you..did you say what I think you said? Yu-yuki....

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"I love you, Shuichi."

The two lovers paused, the novelist stopping in his tracks towards the phone and the singer quieting from his painful moans. They both stared at each other, afraid if the other moved everything will collapse. And then, without warning, the pink-haired rock star fainted into a pool of blood, a weak smiling forming.

"SHUICHI!"

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"Doctor Sakaski, please report to the ER immediately. I reapeat, Doctor Sakaski, please report to the ER immediately. Thank you." DING.

Eiri Yuki paced back and forth from across the room where Shuichi was being held, doctors trying their best to replace the blood that was lost. After a few more turns on his heels, the young author sat on the bench, depressed.

You stupid idiot! Why in the world did you do this? It's because of me. I know it. I relented you while you just staying by my side.

Covering his face with his hands, the once proud and unbreakable Eiri sobbed heavily, tears streaming down his chin and onto the floor.

I'm so sorry, Shuichi. I wish I've told you before, told you how much I love you, how much I needed you. Now look what's happened just because of my stupid pride1 Ugh!

"Eiri-kun?" Yuki jumped at the voice and looked up to see a saddened Tohma staring back down. He knelt, wrapping his arms around the shivering author, letting him cry into his shoulders.

"Look what I've done, Tohma-san," Yuki sobbed. "How could I not see this coming? Why-why didn't I just-"

"Sssshhh...what's done is done. There's nothing else you can do but wait." Tohma sighed before continuing. "Shindou-san, none of us would've expected him to go this far. Yes, he's done some crazy stunts, but we've never actually believed that his child-like mind would..would go about this way."

"Are you telling me that this is his fault?" Eiri backed away from his brother-in-law, his tear-strickened face contorting with anger. Tohma was taken aback.

"Well, it was his fault to do such a reckless act.Maybe you should go home. You need to rest.."

"No." Eiri was standing now, his face cleared of any evidence that he had been crying, his voice direct but calm. "I'm staying here, by his die. It's what he would've been done to me."

"But, Eiri-kun.." It was too late. The all-famous author briskly walked away, taking the stairs which led up to the roof.