Naruto Primer Lost Chapter: Teachers
Hazing Squared
Man, that hazing chapter was so much fun the first time around. And we figured you all needed a break from the two horrible chapters you were just forced to read. So here are the teachers once again, hazing another poor victim who only wishes to be apart of their club!
"So then I said, 'NO, Baki, Shikamaru is more powerful than Gaara because Shikamaru is a chuunin!'" Asuma said as he slapped his knee. "And Baki was all like, 'No one is more powerful than Gaara!' and I was all like, 'No one… EXCEPT SHIKAMARU!!'"
"I don't know…" started Kurenai.
"Yes." Said Asuma immediately, looking completely serious. "Gaara was in that Chuunin exam too but he didn't become a chuunin like Shikamaru did because he was far less powerful than Shikamaru."
"Okay…" said everyone. They were now past being angry and now at the point in which they kind of felt sorry for him. AND Shikamaru.
They were currently inside the restaurant where they could sit at the table and grill food and eat it right then and there. WITHOUT a waitress or waiter grilling it for them. No, they got to grill it on their own with the grill that was provided at the table.
Just then, the door to the restaurant swung open loudly. In stomped Anko, a jounin who was an examiner from the Chuunin exam.
"Anko!" said Asuma, standing up. "It's so nice to see you!"
"Asuma, I had no part in Shikamaru's promotion." Said Anko, putting her hand up and trying to ignore Asuma. "I'm just looking for Kurenai."
"Right here!" said Kurenai, standing up.
"Kurenai, where is your shame?!" Anko demanded.
"What…?" Kurenai said.
"You constantly spend all your time with these four men!" said Anko, pointing at Iruka, Kakashi, Gai and Asuma who were only sitting there obliviously. "You sit in this restaurant or you spend the time harassing your students! This has only been recently brought to my attention and I must say that I am EXTREMELY disappointed!"
"What's that supposed to mean?!" demanded Gai, standing up.
"It means that Kurenai should be hanging out with LADY friends!" said Anko.
"But these guys are my friends!" said Kurenai.
"I've got it!" said Iruka. "If you want Kurenai to be hanging out with lady friends then how about you join our group too?"
"Whoa, Iruka." Said Kakashi, grabbing his arm. "You are newly apart of this group and you have no right whatsoever to make a proclamation like that."
"I think Iruka has a good idea." Said Kurenai. "Even though I don't know where Anko gets off thinking she can judge me as such! I think it might be healthy for me to be hanging out with another woman! Anko, would you like to hang out with us?"
"I suppose." Said Anko, sitting down.
"Wait!" said Gai. "I refuse!"
"YEAH!" said Asuma. "She can't just WALTZ into our club like this!"
"How dare you, Iruka." Said Kakashi, shaking his head.
"Well…uh…" said Iruka hesitantly, knowing that he was only the member of the T-Birds who had yet to earn his leather jacket. "How about we…uh… we still have to haze her, don't we?"
"Ah, what an idea, Iruka!" said Gai. "While Anko is a jounin and, in a way, a teacher we have no right to turn her away, it would be unfair to Iruka if we did not haze her in the same way we hazed him!"
"What kind of teacher are you?" Anko said to Iruka.
"He's right, Anko." Said Kurenai. "If you want to be part of the gang, you have to prove that you're cool enough to hang out with us."
"Hey, if Iruka can pass the tests as a mere chuunin then I'm not worried!" said Anko confidently.
"I hate being discriminated against just because I'm a chuunin." Said Iruka with a frown.
"Okay, my students first!!" Gai yelled.
"Aw man…" said everyone else.
"What?" said Anko but they all dragged her outside.
"The task I gave Iruka last time was easy because I was I kind of WANTED him to join the club but I don't want you to join so I'll give you a harder one…" Gai said, scratching his chin. Anko crossed her arms to show her disapproval of Gai's comment, but Gai was far from caring.
"Any ideas?" Asuma asked Gai after a pause ensued that was longer than necessary.
"YES!" said Gai. "Anko, you must help Lee win a battle!"
"Easy as pie!" said Anko.
"Gai…" said Kakashi, slapping his forehead.
"AGAINST NEJI!" Gai finished.
Everyone gasped dramatically.
"It can't be done!" said Anko.
"What about Tenten?" Kakashi said snidely.
"And…um…get her to willingly dress up…" Gai started. Then he paused and tried to think of a climactic finishing touch. "…AS NEJI!!"
Everyone gasped again.
"I kind of feel bad for all of them." Said Kurenai. "Except Lee. He'll be happy I suppose."
"To add to it all, you only have ten minutes to do so!" Gai continued.
Anko rolled up her sleeves. "I can do it!" she said as she marched to Neji's favorite training area. Everyone knew exactly where it was because of… you know. The Macarena Incident, which is now so historical and memorable that it needs to be capitalized and celebrated.
The three of them always seemed to be conveniently training in Neji's favorite training area so I guess it's their whole TEAM'S favorite training area. Except Neji likes it the best.
She stood there behind a tree watching them for a moment, trying to figure out how she was going to go about this.
"Hurry up." Came the teacher's voices behind her as they pushed her out into the opening.
Neji, Lee and Tenten all immediately stopped their activity and turned around to stare at her ominously, almost as if they KNEW she was up to something evil.
"Um…so…" she said nervously, making sure they were paying attention. Though it was pretty obvious they were paying attention considering they were all staring at her and not moving at all, waiting for her to continue as she foolishly stood there trying to get attention.
"What do you want?" Neji said finally.
"I wanted to um…" started Anko. "I wanted to see some spectacular genins in action!"
"If you're looking for a spectacular genin, you need look no further!" Lee said, pushing through Neji and Tenten and stepping forward.
"Yes, yes!" said Anko. "I remember YOU…"
"You do?!" said Lee happily.
"Yes, and I have heard from some very reliable sources that you look to defeat the one named Hyuuga Neji." Anko said.
"That's me." Said Lee, lowering his head in shame.
"I have come with a proposition!" said Anko. "I will help you defeat him IF you do a small favor for me."
"What is going on?" Neji said, uncrossing his arms. He knew he was all that, but even Neji is sensible enough to know that he wouldn't be able to conquer Lee if he had a special jounin on his side.
"What's the favor?!" Lee asked, getting on his knees. "I'll do ANYTHING!"
"Um…uh…" started Anko, wondering how to phrase this. So she quickly pointed at Tenten who as only standing idly by, used to all this Neji and Lee tussling. "SHE must dress up as…" Then she pointed at Neji. " HIM!"
"DONE!" said Lee.
"WHAT?!" said Neji and Tenten.
"This is going to be so good…" Gai whispered to the other teachers from their hiding spot.
"Gai, is Lee your favorite?" said Kakashi.
"No!" said Gai quickly…a little TOO quickly.
"How is that a fair trade?" Tenten demanded. "That's just ME doing something stupid so that you can do a favor for him?"
"That is my only condition." Said Anko.
"Then take it and go." said Neji, shaking his head. "Come on, let's get back to our training."
"Tenten…" Lee said, crawling over to Tenten, still on his knees. "PLEASE! You MUST do this favor for me! I'll do ANYTHING!"
"Lee, I don't know." Said Tenten. "You're a good guy and everything…"
"Come on, it's not like we're asking Neji to dress up as YOU!" said Lee. Neji glared at Lee for even mentioning something as crazy as that. "Please, please, please, please, please!"
Tenten groaned and looked at Anko. "WHY are you making me do this?" she said. "Can't you pick on someone else?"
"Uh…" said Anko, quickly looking at her watch, seeing that only one minute remained.
"I guess…" Tenten said finally. "But you owe me big, Lee!"
"Thank you thank you thank you thank you!!" Lee said, kissing Tenten's feet. But then he stood up and saluted to Anko. "Let's get to the well overdue beating!!"
Just when Neji was about to try to negotiate for his life, Kakashi, Iruka, Kurenai, Gai and Asuma dropped down from the trees.
"Hold it right there!" said Asuma. "The time limit's up! You failed!"
"Failed?" said Tenten, Neji and Lee.
"Come on, give me a second chance!" said Anko. "That task was too hard!"
"Yeah!" said Kurenai. "She got them to agree so we should give her a second chance!"
The men groaned.
"What?" said Tenten, Neji and Lee.
"All in favor of giving Anko a second chance raise your hand." Said Kakashi, putting his hand up in the air. Iruka and Kurenai put their hands up as well.
"What?!" demanded Gai. "WHY?! Iruka?! Kakashi?!"
"I want to see someone else continue to harass your students." Iruka said.
"And I want her to harass my students next." Kakashi replied.
"Fine." Said Gai, crossing his arms. "One more chance! But that's it!"
"ALL RIGHT!" cheered Anko. The six of them ran off.
"Wait!" Lee called after them. "I thought you were going to help me beat up Neji!!"
But the teachers weren't listening. They made their way to the bridge area and hid in a well-concealed hiding spot that no one would ever be able to find them in. EVER. So the six of them watched Naruto, Sasuke and Sakura hang out and sigh.
"Okay, no time limit this time." Anko said.
"Fine fine." Said the others.
"What do I have to do?" asked Anko.
Kakashi rubbed his chin thoughtfully. "All right… you're going to have to look underneath the underneath for this one." He warned her.
"I'm ready!" said Anko.
"I want you to make the three of them break into song." Kakashi said. "The SAME song."
Anko waited. "And?" she prompted.
"That's it." Kakashi answered.
"Where's the looking underneath the underneath part?" Anko asked.
"Just ignore Kakashi." Kurenai advised.
"Okay…" said Anko as she jumped out into the opening. Sakura, Sasuke and Naruto all turned around, ready to be annoyed with Kakashi for being so late but then when they noticed it was only Anko, they turned around and continued doing whatever they were doing before. "Good morning students!" she said.
"Hi…" said the three of them.
"Say…I remember the three of you from the chuunin exam…" Anko said slyly. "Do you remember our official chuunin song?"
"There's an official chuunin song?!" said Naruto. "What is it?! Tell me!!"
"Oh that's right!" said Anko. "You three aren't chuunins! I can't tell you what the official chuunin song is! How silly of me."
"Did you come only to mock us?" Sasuke said, sounding annoyed.
"Actually, I came to let you in the secret." Said Anko, gesturing for them all to come closer. They crept in so they looked like football players making a play. "From the first time I saw you guys enter the exam, I felt like you deserved to be chuunins."
"OF COURSE!" yelled Naruto so that everyone had to break away but then quickly come back in.
"So I'm going to teach you the chuunin song." Anko continued, trying to ignore the interruption. "If you know the chuunin song, you can impress the Hokage and he's likely to make you a chuunin the NEXT exam."
"Just for knowing a song?" Sakura said.
"Yes." Said Anko. "You all ready to learn the song?"
They all nodded. As stupid as they would feel singing some stupid song, they wanted to be chuunins so they were willing to do whatever it took to be so. Anko thought of a song as quickly as she could and spouted out the first one that came to mind.
"Mary had a little lamb, little lamb, little lamb!" she sang, a little embarrassed.
"Wait." Sasuke said, taking a step back. "The official chuunin song is 'Mary Had a Little Lamb'?"
"Yes!" said Anko. "And don't say it so loudly!"
"Why is that the official chuunin song?" asked Naruto.
"Because no one would ever suspect it!" Anko answered. "But this is good because you all know the lyrics already!" Sasuke eyed her suspiciously. "Come on, why would I lie to you?"
Sasuke's eyes wandered through the foliage near the bridge. He caught sight of something rustling in the trees. This clued him in to the fact that he was sensing a mass of people sitting up there. Specifically, his teacher and his partners in crime.
Then Sasuke looked back at Anko. Then something came in to mind. Naruto had mentioned a little while back that Iruka had gone through some hazing so that's why he had practically attacked Sasuke in an attempt to make him laugh. Sure, it worked, but that was only because he was extremely ticklish. Sasuke easily pieced the puzzle together since he's a sharp kid and realized that this was all another trick.
"Uh…" Anko said, waving her hand in front of Sasuke's face.
"Official chuunin song." Said Sasuke under his breath with a slight tone of disgust. "Yeah right."
"Sasuke!" said Sakura. "This is our chance to become chuunins!"
"Kakashi, I KNOW you're over there." Sasuke called.
"I TOLD you not to move, Gai!" came a voice from the trees.
"I had a wedgie!" Gai whined. The five of them came out of the trees and looked at Anko with a look of disappointment.
"Well, that's the second test you've failed." Asuma said. "I'm sorry. We're going to have to let you go."
"But YOU guys ruined that one!" said Anko. "Give me another chance!"
"Another chance!" cheered Kurenai in agreement.
"She has a point." Gai admitted, especially since it was his fault.
"Well fine." Said Kakashi.
"Whose students are next?" Iruka asked.
"Are you guys just going around harassing all of us to decide who's cool enough to hang out with you?" Naruto said.
All the teachers stared at Naruto and then slowly tried to creep away as if they weren't standing there in broad daylight without any cover at all. Eventually, when they felt they were far enough away, they broke into a run and didn't look back.
"MY students are next!" said Kurenai after they had finished. "I want you to go up to my students and try to convince them that you're me and act as though everything's normal!"
"WHAT?" said all the males and Anko.
"Come on!" said Kurenai. "It'll be funny."
"I'm on it!" Anko said, running off to find Kurenai's students.
"Kurenai, that's too easy." Said Iruka. "She can just pretend she's using genjutsu to make herself look different."
"Yeah, but with Kiba's nose, they'll know she's not me from a mile away." Kurenai said. All the males nodded and smiled, complimenting Kurenai on her feminine evilness.
Anko saw them Kiba, Hinata and Shino all hanging out telling stories to one another.
"And then Akamaru was all like, 'I'm cool'!" Kiba said. "And I was like, 'No you're not Akamaru!' And he was like, 'Yes I am!' and then I said, 'Why don't you prove it then?' and he was like, 'Okay, I will!'"
Akamaru barked.
"Oh that's right." Kiba said. "He didn't say 'Okay, I will!' He said 'I could prove it with my eyes closed!'"
"This is a fascinating story, Kiba." Said Shino.
"Why, thank you Shino." Said Kiba, not detecting the sarcasm. Instead, his attention was more focused on an unfamiliar scent coming up behind him. He turned around to see Anko making their way towards them.
"Hello examiner." Said Hinata, remembering who Anko was almost immediately.
"Examiner?" laughed Anko. "What are you talking about? Come on, it's time to get to training!"
"Training?" said Kiba. "That's what we have our teacher for."
"Obviously!" said Anko. "So what are you waiting for?"
"…Our teacher?" Shino tried.
"I AM your teacher you silly…er…student of mine!" Anko said, just realizing that she didn't know any of their names.
"No, Kurenai is." Kiba said.
"And who do I look like to you?" Anko said.
"…NOT Kurenai?" Kiba said finally since he didn't know her name either.
"Oh!" said Anko with a laugh, looking down at herself. "It's just a bit of genjutsu I'm using to make myself look like someone else since that's what genjutsu is all about after all…" she cleared her throat. "Here, I'll undo it right now!"
Then she put her hands in a seal and transformed into Kurenai.
"There we go!" she said. "Now don't I look like your teacher… who is named Kurenai?"
"Yes." Said the three of them.
"All right!" cheered Anko.
"But…you're not her." Kiba said while Anko was in the middle of her victory dance.
"What?" said Anko. "What's that supposed to mean? Of course I am! Just look at me!"
"You LOOK like her…but you don't SMELL like her." Kiba said.
"Smell like her…?" Anko said obliviously. But then she took note of the red marks on his face and the dog that was residing in the front of his jacket. "Aw… you're part of the Inuzuka clan, aren't you?" she said at long last.
Kiba nodded.
"Well never mind then." Anko sighed, undoing the jutsu and walking away.
Hinata cleared her throat. "Okay, Kiba." She said. "Why don't you finish the story?"
"Oh right!" said Kiba. "And THAT'S when I said…"
Anko was on her way back to where the teachers were.
"I failed again." She sighed. "I wish I knew that there was an Inuzuka in your group."
"Sorry, Anko." Said Kurenai. "Some people just aren't cut out to be part of our little club."
"Hang on!" said Asuma. "We can give her ONE more chance, can't we?"
"Why?" said everyone, including Anko.
"Well I don't want to be the ONLY one who didn't have his team harassed." Said Asuma as if it was obvious.
"OH RIGHT!" laughed everyone as they dragged Anko over to the restaurant that they had been in before.
"They should be in here." Asuma said. "And your task shall be…hm…"
"I know." Said Kakashi. "Make Ino and Shikamaru dance a romantic dance to only the sound of Chouji eating."
He received a few odd looks.
"Yes!" Asuma finally agreed. "That sounds like a good plan!"
"Kakashi, that is so weird." Said Gai. "Are you smoking something?"
"No." Kakashi said plainly.
"Good luck." Said Iruka, choosing not to mention that all he had to do was make them leave the restaurant.
Anko was a little nervous. How was she going to do something as insane and ridiculous as that? It would be hard enough to get them to dance even if both of their favorite songs were playing and it was a romantic setting AND if they had interest in each other… but to the sound of Chouji eating? That was just odd…
So she walked in and looked around. Finally, she spotted them.
"You know what?" Ino said to her two male teammates. "I feel like dancing! Don't you guys?"
"No, I feel like eating." Said Chouji, taking another bite.
"And I feel like doing nothing." Shikamaru said.
"If only there was music playing…" Ino sighed as if Chouji and Shikamaru had just leapt up and exclaimed, "OH YES INO!! WE MUST DANCE RIGHT NOW!!"
Then Anko stepped up.
"Why hello there." Said Anko.
The three students said hello to her formally. They all knew who she was because Shikamaru was a chuunin after all. Plus, they had all BEEN there for that chuunin exam and they weren't as slow as Team Kurenai.
"Did I hear someone say that they wanted to dance?" Anko said.
"Yeah!" said Ino. "Me!"
"SLOW dance?" Anko said slickly.
"Uh…no." said Ino. "Unless I'm dancing with Sasuke. I'll dance however if I'm dancing with Sasuke!"
"What about if you were dancing with Shikamaru?" said Anko, putting her hands around Shikamaru's face as if he was a picture that needed to be framed.
"SLOW DANCING… with SHIKAMARU?" said Ino. The three students looked at Anko for a moment and then simultaneously threw their heads back and laughed at her.
"Not only would Ino never dance with me, but I would never dance period." said Shikamaru.
"Yeah, what he said!" agreed Ino.
"That's not true!" said Chouji. Both of them turned their heads and stared and Chouji with a certain look of both anger and curiosity in their eyes. "What? You guys don't remember when we were doing that tournament thing that the teachers forced us to do and then we had to the do the dancing event and it was the two of you? And you guys slow danced to Tequila?"
"That was an extreme circumstance." Shikamaru said. "We had no choice on the matter. I would never dance with Ino on my own free will."
"What's that supposed to mean, Shikamaru?" Ino said, crossing her arms. "Are you saying that I'm not feminine or sexy enough to be danced with?"
"No." said Shikamaru. "I never said that. You know me. I don't dance."
"I KNOW what you said!" said Ino, standing up. "So that's why I'm leaving! Goodbye you two and goodbye examiner!" Ino stormed out of the restaurant in a huff.
"I think she wanted to dance with you, Shikamaru." Said Chouji.
"She SAID she wanted to dance with Sasuke." Shikamaru reminded him.
Anko stood there for a moment. There was no way she'd be able to complete the task if Ino wasn't even there anymore. So, looking mightily depressed, she walked out of the restaurant.
"That was an impossible task!" she said to the rest of the teachers who were only shaking their heads.
"Sorry, Anko." Said Gai. "We gave you FOUR chances. But you didn't complete a single task."
"But they were unfair tasks!" Anko said. "The first one I had a ridiculous time limit! Then you guys ruined the second one! And for the third one, you guys knew that I wouldn't be able to do it because of your Inuzuka! And this one… NO one would dance romantically to the sound of someone else eating, even if they were in love!"
"Iruka would have been able to do it." Asuma sighed wistfully.
"Yes." Said Iruka. "I would have."
"Fine!" said Anko. "I don't even know why I was trying so hard in the first place! I don't NEED to hang out with you guys! I'll just go hang out with my REAL friends! Baki, Ibiki and Ebisu!"
With that, she stomped away, making big Anko-sized footprints in the ground.
"That Anko!" said Kurenai.
"What are we going to do with her?" Iruka laughed.
The five of them erupted into warm chuckling.
"We really have to stop doing that." Kakashi said after their chuckling ended.