Disclaimer: Everything belongs to the amazing J.K. Rowling. I own nothing but the plot. The song I'm Okay belongs to the extremely talented Christina Aguilera, not I.
A/N: So sorry about the late update! I've been quite busy with life lately ::rolls eyes:: But I didn't make the softball team, so I'll have extra time to write :) And spring break is in a month, so look forward to a few updates then. I recommend downloading I'm Okay because it's the song I've based the entire story on, and it really sets the mood for this chapter. I've changed a few of the words to fit Draco (she/her to he/him, etc.). It's also a really well sung song...but what else would you expect from Christina? Hehe.
The Pain Within
Chapter 6: Despair
Draco stormed through the Slytherin common room. None of his housemates commented as he swept by. He had been in rare form ever since he had returned to Hogwarts two weeks ago. The simplest things pissed him off. As if to illustrate this point, Draco glared menacingly at a second year that almost tripped him by accident as he reached the staircase. No one understood this behavior, and it had raised a few questions. Was he denied the opportunity to become a Death Eater? Had the Dark Lord insulted him? If he had received the Dark Mark, was he upset to finally be a Death Eater?
No. No. YES. Draco laid on his bed wearing silk black pajama pants and a black muscle tee, his hands beneath his head. A single candle lit the room, casting a small glow on everything in the room except the pale black clad figure who was hidden behind the bed curtains. He was thoroughly outraged by the fact that he was now a servant to someone, a mere slave. Never to live his own life.
He snorted and ran a hand through his blond hair, which he hadn't bothered to gel lately. He had never been given the privilege to think for himself. Lucius had molded Draco into another version of himself. He had instilled all his beliefs, opinions, and goals into the boy, leaving Draco with no mind of his own.
Draco stood and up and walked over to his bureau. He leaned over to look into the mirror, disgusted at how much he resembled his father. Platinum blond hair, high cheekbones, slightly pointed noise, and mouth that formed a smirk more times than not. The only difference was their eyes. Lucius had cold, empty, cruel silver gray eyes while Draco had inherited his mother's bright, warm, sapphire ones. They now stared back at him displaying an amount of pain no human being should ever have to experience, let alone a sixteen year old. He recalled his past, all memories of his father and every attempted endeavor to please him. And every defeat and its consequences. Draco lowered his head and gazed absentmindedly at the bureau where his hands were planted, while a familiar childhood bewilderment crept into his chest.
What had he ever done to deserve this abuse?
Sure, he knew he was never, and never would be, good enough for his father, nor ever meet his standards. He had been a stubborn and determined child, but had never been intolerable or severely misbehaved. Yet, he was a human punching bag - kicked, hit, punched, slapped, and shoved at Lucius's pleasure. He would never understand how a man could brutally beat his own son and not care. That's what Draco hated. His father didn't care. A guilty conscience never plagued him because he didn't give a shit about the way he treated his family. They were just toys to him, pawns he played with and then discarded, no love involved.
Like most children did, Draco had grown up idolizing his father, thinking he could do no wrong. Which was why any abuse dealt felt it was deserved; that he, Draco, had been the problem. Now he knew that wasn't the case. And no matter what he did, no matter how much he tried to please him, Lucius Malfoy had never, and would never, love him. And that's what hurt the most. He may be Draco Malfoy; prat extraordinnaire, enemy of Harry Potter, pretty little rich boy; but it still hurt - a deep ache within that would never go away - that his own father would never ever love him.
Something warm and wet dropped onto his finger. Draco watched it roll off his finger and form a tiny puddle on the wood. His fascination deterred him momentarily from the salty tast that seeped into his mouth. His eyes widened and he lifted his head slowly until he met his reflection again. A glistening trail of tears flowed from his eyes, which were filled with astonishment. The tears kept raining off his chin and cheeks. He had forgotten what it was like to cry.
While he watched, he noticed the concealment potion wearing off. The perfect, pale white skin of his arms and face melted away to reveal similarly pale skin speckled with bruises and cuts. He glowered as he remembered why they were there. A feeling of undescribable fury surged through his body, and he did the first thing that came to mind. A very strong swift punch shattered his reflection.
Once upon a time there was a boy
In his early years he had to learn
How to grow up living in a war that he called home
Never knew just where to turn for shelter from the storm
It hurt me to see the pain cross my mother's face
Every time my father's fist would put her in her place
Hearing all the yelling, I would cry up in my room
Hoping it would be over soon
Heart-wrenching sobs escaped his mouth as he pound the already shattered glass into minuscule shards. He didn't even care about the now bleeding cuts that adorned his hands. The pain didn't compare to the anguish burning inside of him.
Bruises fade father but the pain remains the same
And I still remember how you kept me so afraid
Strength is my mother for all the love she gave
And every morning that I wake I look back at yesterday
Tears cascaded down his cheeks as he dropped down to his knees on the glass littered floor. Shards ripped through his pants and embedded themselves into his skin. He dropped his head and placed his raw, blood-stained hands in the pool of glass to steady himself. A flood of blood and a storm of tears soon joined the glass pool.
I often wonder why I carry all this guilt
When it's you that helped me put up all these walls I've built
Shadows stir at night through a crack in the door
Echoes of a broken child screaming please no more
Daddy don't you understand the damage you have done
For you it's just a memory but for me it still lives on
Draco could never, would never, live for himself. He was just a puppet, controlled on tight strings by his father. He would always live in his father's shadow and be forced into things; nothing would ever be his own choice. Like becoming a Death Eater. He glanced down at the black ink of the Dark Mark. He had never wanted that and still didn't want it. Suddenly, the urge to get rid of it overwhelmed him. It repulsed him; he wanted it gone. He crawled through the glass until he found a large, sharp fragment.
Bruises fade father but the pain remains the same
And I still remember how you kept me so, so afraid
Strength is my mother for all the love she gave
And every morning that I wake I look back at yesterday
Sitting up, he put the edge at the top of the Dark Mark. Slowly, he applied pressure and ran the point along the shape of the skull. The steady rivers of tears increased as he traced the entire mark. Now all that could be seen was a bloody outline of Voldemort's symbol. This still didn't satisfy Draco. He didn't want it visible at all. Taking a deep breath he began to tear at his skin, forming deep jagged cuts along his arm, letting out agonizing wails as he did so. Through his blurry vision he saw that the mark was now nothing more than trenches of ripped skin and blood.
It's not so easy to forget
All the marks you left along her neck
When I was thrown against cold stairs
And everyday afraid to come home in fear of what I might see, next
Draco stood shakily, still angry and hurt. He clumsily kicked over his night stand. He crossed the room, trailing large amounts of blood, to his desk. Leaning against it, he began to disperse his school materials. Books were violently hurled across the room in every direction. Blank parchment was savagely torn to pieces, fluttering slowly to the ground. His cauldron was furiously launched at a wall, making a loud bang. No matter; his room was soundproof. His wand was tossed carelessly under the window, quills flung all over the room, and an ink jar chucked at his wardrobe door where it splattered ink all over the door and floor. Various other objects were tossed and thrown at breakneck speeds to the opposite side of the room. In the process, Draco's bed curtains were ripped and the candle extinguished.
Bruises fade father but the pain remains the same
And I still remember how you kept me so afraid
Strength is my mother for all the love she gave
And every morning that I wake I look back at yesterday
Draco surveyed the damage, slightly aware that the room was spinning. It would be fixed with a quick Repairo' he just needed his wand. It had landed near the wall under the window. Gripping his bleeding arm, he stumbled through the rubble in the dark towards the partially moonlit window. After all, he was in the dungeons. A wave of dizziness washed over him and he leaned against the corner of the two walls for support until it passed. But it didn't. He felt his legs give out under him, and his body sunk to the floor in defeat. He was awfully drowsy. He pulled his legs up and hugged his knees to his chest, and rested his head against the wall behind him. Tears still streamed down his face, and his body shook with sobs. His left arm throbbed and blood still trickled down it. He gazed out the window, flexing his stiff hands. He felt light headed, and very tired - oh so tired.
Draco's tears finally ceased and the sobs died down as his eyes closed and blackness swallowed him.
Bruises fade father but the pain remains the same
And I still remember how you kept me so afraid
Strength is my mother for all the love she gave
And every morning that I wake I look back at yesterday
*~*~*
There ya go. Can't really tell ya when to expect Chapter 7. I don't think this story will be much longer, but I'm not sure. Please REVIEW!!!!
AkinaMeigatsuno: Yes, everybody should love Draco ::sigh:: LoL, I'm glad my story influenced you :) Thanks for the review!
Slytherin Psyche: Haha! Great idea!! Thanks for the review!!
Micha: I hate to disappoint you, but nope, Draco will not be falling in love with Harry, nor will there be any shagging or snogging. There probably won't even be any romance in this story at all. So sorry :( But, thanks for your review!!
Ice Angel: Yes, I know Draco's eyes are gray, and not blue. As you saw in this chapter, I wanted some part of his features different from Lucius's, so I picked his eyes. But thanks for telling me and for your review!!
And thank you so much for the rest of your wonderful feedback!! I especially liked some people's comments about hurting Lucius - I am with you 100%!!! :)