Disclaimer: Everything here belongs to the amazing J.K. Rowling. I own nothing but the plot.

A/N: Well, I finished notebook #2. Two entire notebooks filled with The Pain Within. That's either nuts or I'm really sloppy. And this is Chapter 20, omg, lol. Yet another milestone. Would you believe I had originally thought this story would be under 10 chapters? ::snorts:: Well, enjoy the chappy, it's quite emotional if I do say so myself.

Audrey: Ahhh, thank you for all the wonderful reviews!!! Yes, Draco needs a hug or two or 500. And I like the new layout of your site :)

To all my faithful reviewers: I can't thank you enough. I think I love you all more than people I actually know, lol. Your reviews absolutely amaze me and I'm so excited when I get even one. So thank you times infinity, and enjoy the chapter!!

This chapter is dedicated to xo joyness ox, whose IM's, 8 times out of 10, begin with did u update yet?? LoL I want you to know that it is 10:33 PM on Friday, so I stayed true to my promise :)



The Pain Within
Chapter 20: The Two Way Street Of Understanding



It hurts my soul cause I can't let go
All these walls are caving in
I can't stop my suffering
I hate to show that I lost control
I'm about to break
I can't stop this ache
I can't mend this torn state I'm in
Getting nothing in return
What did I do to deserve the pain of this slow burn?*

A few weeks later, Draco was growing frustrated. It had been simple to learn from Professor Snape how to brew potions that combined the effects he desired or which ingredients complimented or negated each other. He caught on quickly to Madam Pomfrey's instructions and tips for temporary relief of painful bruises. But finding the key to unlock his hidden emotions was a different story.

How does one break down the defensive barriers that he's shielded himself behind for his entire life? It didn't seem possible to just pour out every emotion he ever felt or experienced to another living soul. It wasn't fair - to him or them. Inner feelings were the only thing he was allowed to develop himself (not that anyone really decides what to feel) - why should he share? Why should anyone else be forced to hear about the atrocities he endured? They could never comprehend the emotions he felt. And what would they think? He desired no pity, for it changed nothing. What if they thought his life could be worse and that he was making a bigger deal than it truly was, in their opinion? Would they think him weak for enduring it all? Would they find him stupid for not involving authority? Pathetic for living a lie? Would - could - anyone understand?

Fear hindered him. He feared what another might conceive of his situation. He feared rejection for who he really was. But most of all, he feared pain. Hiding behind nasty insults and sneers prevented his becoming close with anyone, and therefore deterred the possibility of additional emotional pain. A firm childhood belief of his constituted that the less pain let out meant less pain let in. Now he wasn't quite sure anymore. After burying his emotions for so long and not sharing them with anyone, he felt like he was going to explode. Even so, he wasn't able to just disclose his feelings to someone, and became highly defensive if another tried to initiate a conversation. He coyly ignored Dumbledore's subtle encouragement and snapped at Snape's formal attempts. Which, try hard as he might not to, he was going to repeat tonight, since Snape had summoned him to his office.

As he strode through the dungeon corridors, he considered telling his professor that maybe he didn't need help as badly as he thought, seeing as he couldn't bring himself to achieve it. He could say he just wasn't the type of person to openly admit his feelings that's all. It was the cowardly way out, but he was becoming impatient with his incapability to open up to someone. He was phrasing the words correctly in his head when he entered the Potions classroom and then Snape's office.

Professor, I've been -

Through the tap door, Draco. She's already here, the greasy haired professor interrupted as he scribbled furiously in red ink on some poor student's parchment.

Draco blinked. Uh, who?

Snape answered without glancing up from his work.

Draco grinned softly upon hearing the name. Tonks was one of his favorite people even though he had seen her less than a dozen times. She was easy to get along with and was very friendly; he had warmed to her quickly. Confused as to why she was here, and eager to see her, he totally forgot his speech about the unnecessity of help. Stepping through the tap door, he immediately spotted her now blue hair on the opposite side of the room, on the other side of the long table the Order used to conduct meetings. Apparently, Draco wasn't the only guest invited to Tonks' little party, for she was already chatting animatedly with a dark-haired person.

Nice set-up you have here, Draco commented, observing the 12 foot area of floor covered in neon-colored satin throw pillows, But where's the party hats? The cupcakes? The vodka?

Tonks shook her head and threw a pink pillow at him. Cute, Draco, cute. Hello to you too.

Draco smiled and plopped down on a bunch of pillows. Hi Tonks. Hullo Harry.

The Gryffindor grinned back in greeting and turned to Tonks. Now that Draco's here, would you mind mentioning to what we owe the pleasure of this little slumber party?

A slumber party, is it? Draco drawled, fingering the smooth satin of the blue pillow beneath him. Good Merlin, Tonks, you do realize we're related, right?

Tonks stared at him quizzically. Yes, and...?

So you can only sleep with Harry, sorry. No threesome tonight. He received two pillows directly in the face for that one.

I suppose I deserved that, he mumbled, But Harry set that one up. I couldn't help myself.

Tonks rolled her eyes. Whatever you say, blondie. Besides this isn't a slumber party, I just wanted to be comfortable. I have something to show you two. Originally, I dug it out only for you Harry, but I realized it might interest you too, Draco.

She pulled a large leather book from beneath a yellow pillow and presented it to them. Tada! A genuine Black family photo album, in mint condition. Harry and Draco exchanged curious glances. One of the few family items my mum was able to smuggle from Black Manor before her family banished her forever. Let's take a look.

She set the album in her lap and Draco and Harry crawled to her sides to better access the photos. She opened the big leather tome to the first page which contained a large moving photo.

There's our maternal grandparents, Draco, with our mums when they were younger, she pointed out. Draco noted her intentional dismissal of Bellatrix.

Draco stared at the photograph. His grandparents stood dignified behind the girls, absent of smiles. The girls, however, appeared how young children should - happy and carefree. Smiles adorned all three of their porcelain faces. Andromeda stood excitedly in the middle, curls bouncing around her rosy cheeks as she practiced different dimpled smiles. Bellatrix was to the right of her, straight black hair past her shoulders and a glint of childhood mischief evident in her eyes. Narcissa stood elegantly on Andy's other side, amused at her younger sisters' stances and behavior. The thing that struck Draco the most was the fact that all three linked arms in a fashion styled after the Three Musketeers. One for all, all for one.

It's amazing how different and separate their paths have become, Draco murmured.

Tonks nodded sadly. Mum misses her sisters. She turned the page. Here's Sirius, his brother, and their parents.

Harry leaned closer. That's his brother? How did he become a Death Eater? He looks so - so innocent.

He was corrupted by greed and power, Tonks replied softly.

The next page was a family of cousins Draco didn't really know. He did know that one of the sons now lived in France, for he constantly urged his mother to move there. The rest of the pictures were evidently from family get-togethers and parties. The Black children all looked so innocent then as they played and frolicked together, unaware of their fates. Harry and Draco asked tons of questions and Tonks answered them the best she could.

Why is Sirius always with her? Harry asked at one point. They're always together, with their arms around each other's shoulders like they're best friends. Or it's them against everyone else. She doesn't deserve to be on his side.

Tonks shook her head and sighed. Bellatrix and Sirius were best friends, according to Mum. Both loved playing pranks and were able to plot and pull off extravagant plans together. But once Sirius started Hogwarts, and was sorted to Gryffindor, Mum said everything changed. Sirius found your father, and Bellatrix was sorted into Slytherin the following year. Their friendship collapsed after that.

Harry looked torn. But how - how could you - could you kill someone you once considered your best friend? he whispered.

Tonks turned to him. Voldemort came along, and with him he brought the promise of power and Pure-blood superiority. She wasn't strong enough to resist false promises.

I hate him, Draco whispered venomously from Tonks' other side.

She leaned back on her arms so she could see both boys. she asked Draco.

he answered. He's ruined my life.

Before Tonks could reply, Harry angrily burst out, Your life? What about mine? I have no parents because of that man! I live with people who hate my existence because of him! I lost the closest thing I had to a father because of him! You have parents, your mother loves you, you have a father.

Draco's eyes flashed. Oh yes, because I would consider a man who beats the shit out of me at any given opportunity a father. Good one, Potter, he snarled. He wouldn't be like that if it weren't for Voldemort, and my life wouldn't be a living hell.

You really think so? Tonks questioned calmly, resisting the urge to just hug each boy and never let go.

Draco scrunched up his nose. What do you mean?

Do you really think he'd be different if it weren't for Voldemort?

Of course! Draco snapped. He would care. He would be a father.

Tonks nodded slowly and for the first time, Draco began to seriously doubt that childhood belief too. He looked up at Tonks with wide, wondering eyes.

Wouldn't he?

Neither she nor Harry answered, and Draco delved deeper into his thoughts. When he finally spoke, his voice was broken and filled with haunting pain.

He wouldn't, he concluded dejectedly. He really wouldn't care one way or another, he spoke in a lifeless tone. When I was younger, I always blamed myself. He hit me because I didn't clean my toys up, kicked me because I had mud on my shoes, slapped me because I didn't sit straight at the dinner table, forced me to learn dark magic as a punishment. It was always my fault he never cared. As I got older, I fully believed it was Voldemort's doing. It was Voldemort's influence that made him evil and unfeeling.

He paused and stood up to angrily pace the floor.

Now - now I realize that none of that bloody mattered. With or without Voldemort, he would be unfeeling. With or without Voldemort, he never would have loved me.

He bitterly kicked a pillow.

I idolized him, so I just wanted an excuse. Something, anything, to place the blame on. Something that was beyond his control. Something that prohibited him from being the perfect father. A reason he never loved me.

He looked at them, anguish etched into his pale face. Because he just doesn't hurts.

He sat back down on the pillows next to Tonks, trying to calm his shaky nerves and get a grip on this new realization. She tucked a few strands of blond hair behind his ears.

I think I always knew that, somewhere deep down, he told her. I was just in denial. I didn't want to admit that my father was any less perfect than a child thinks his father should be. It makes me feel so...

Harry finished quietly.

Draco eyed Harry in surprise and nodded.

Tonks watched the boys stare at each other in wonder and curiosity. She could feel the presence of something she wasn't a part of, so she slowly stood.

Um, if you two will excuse me, I have to use the ladies' room, okay? I'll be right back.

The two boys broke eye contact and nodded as she left the room, each becoming lost in their own thoughts. Harry was the first to speak.

I know the feeling. I never knew my parents, and although I have great friends around me now, that little part is still missing and can't be replaced. Sometimes, I'd give anything - absolutely anything - to see them. Anything to change the events of that Halloween night. Anything so that it wasn't me.

I'd take your place gladly.

Harry's green eyes blazed. Don't you dare say that. You don't mean it.

Draco stared him in the eye. Yes I do. I think it would be better to never have known my father. I could dream and picture him the way I want. I would never have to know the horrible truth. I mean, how do you know you wouldn't have hated your father? How do you know if he would have been a good person?

Harry frowned. I don't, but from -

Exactly. You don't and never will. Your father will retain his glorified pedestal in your eyes. You'll never have to be proved wrong.

Harry glared. My father did love me, Malfoy. He died for me - that's enough proof for me. Sirius and Remus tell me he adored me. He would have been the perfect father - to me. But I guess I'll never know now, will I?

The two boys participated in an angry staring contest until Draco broke contact and snorted wryly.

You and I could have been good friends all these years, Harry. We have a lot in common. Unfortunately, you picked Weasley over me.

Harry raised an eyebrow. Unfortunately, you were a snobby little git who thought I should be your friend because of your wealth compared to Ron's.

Draco chuckled and laid back on the pillows. Harry shook his head, annoyed.

It's not funny, they may not have a lot of money, but the Weasleys are -

I'm not laughing at the Weasleys.

Oh? Then what, praytell, are you on about?

Wealth had nothing to do with wanting your friendship, Draco said, turning his head toward the raven-haired boy. Nothing at all.

Harry furrowed his eyebrows.

Draco rolled his eyes. It was stupid. Very stupid, now that I look back on it.

All the more better. C'mon, tell me. I won't laugh...much.

The blond glared. I wanted you to do for me what you had done for the rest of the world - save me. Harry looked mighty confused, but waited for Draco to continue.

You had destroyed the infamous Lord Voldemort - the man whom I had been taught since I was four would rise again and be my future leader - and I thought that...that by befriending you I could escape my fate somehow. Stupid, I know.

Harry thought about it and shook his head, but Draco cut him off before he could say anything.

It probably wouldn't have worked anyway. You would have been in more danger. My father would use our friendship to suit the Dark Lord's needs. So in the end, it was better that you turned me down.

Harry shrugged. I think that made sense though. It's a fraternizing with the enemy thing, sort of.

Draco shrugged too. Yea, well. I don't think I'm cut out to have best friends anyway. I'm not an open person. I never wanted to be close to anyone, in fear of more pain.

Once you've been burned, you don't want to play with fire, Harry supplemented.

Draco nodded. Yes, kind of like that. And I don't want to be coddled or fussed over - I don't like showing weakness.

Me either. But I've learned that it's not good to keep everything bottled inside. On the other hand, however, it's difficult to find someone to just listen without springing into action, he sighed. Ever since Sirius's death, everyone - the Order, Ron, Hermione, Gin - they all make a big fuss if I'm lapsing into one of my brooding modes'. Then they make sure, thinking that I can't figure out what's going on, that someone is constantly with me, talking with me, asking if I'm alright. It's a bit annoying.

I would hate that too, Draco agreed. He looked up at Harry. What was he like? Sirius Black, I mean.

Harry was taken off guard. Sirius? Hmm, he had a strange sense of humor. And he always liked to try to cheer everyone up. He refused to let anyone feel depressed on Christmas. He was loyal, and he always looked out for me. I mean, obviously, he was my godfather.

Draco grinned as Harry continued.

He was very impulsive, which I suppose can be considered a fault, but it fit his personality. He and Remus liked to tell me all about the pranks they pulled with my father when they were at school. They were worse than Fred and George, he chuckled. I don't remember if it's Sirius or my dad that holds the record for the most amount of detentions in the history of Hogwarts, but it's most likely Sirius. I'd have to ask Remus.

Draco sniggered, and Harry grinned. You know, back in third year when I first met Sirius, for a mere half hour I had the promise of being able to live with him and leave the Dursleys forever. I don't think I'd ever felt that elated in my life. Or crushed when it couldn't happen. Now it's back to the Dursleys each summer. It's the worst - going someplace where you're not wanted.

Draco nodded. Trust me, I know.

But you have your mum at least, Harry insisted.

When she's not icing huge bruises or nursing broken bones, Draco spat.

Harry looked startled. Your mum too? he asked.

Draco nodded solemnly, but Harry could see a flare in his blue eyes.

It pisses me off. She never does anything wrong. She's nothing less than perfect in my eyes. She doesn't deserve it, the words tumbled out in a big wave of fury. And yet he uses her as a human punching bag. It makes me sick.

You don't deserve it either.

Draco shrugged. I know, but it seems worse when he hurts her. He uses her against me, too. His threats don't bother me, so he threatens to harm her if I don't cooperate. It's a lose/lose situation.

Harry pulled his knees to his chest. That's terrible.

Yea, well, hopefully I'll be able to escape everything one day. A moment of sweet revenge. All I want is to watch Lucius Malfoy get the Dementer's kiss, Draco said viciously. Or die, whichever comes first for the bastard.

The conversation dropped. Neither boy noticed Tonks' prolonged lavatory trip, and if they did, they didn't recognize it as intentional. For Tonks had figured out long ago that in order to help Draco Malfoy, one couldn't pretend to understand. One had to know.

And the understanding wasn't just a one way street.







~*~*~
*Partial lyrics from the chorus of Christina Aguilera's Walk Away'

Ergh, the ending is bit weak for me, but I hope you liked the chapter anyway :)

On a side note, did anyone see Love Actually? Alan Rickman was married to Emma Thompson - Snape and Trelawney married ::shudders:: And I LOVE HUGH GRANT!!!!