Naruto Primer Lost Chapter: All
Haircuts
Spectrum suggested that we write a chapter about haircuts. We were, at first, a little hesitant because we didn't want anyone's hair to end up changing just in our story. But then we figured we knew how to get around it.
The teachers had all mutually come to the decision that it really was time for their students to get their haircut. Some of them looked downright silly with their long and/or messy hair that seemed rather impractical for the life of a ninja. So they tricked their students to arrive at a secluded part in the forest.
When the students arrived, they were slightly disturbed to only see a stool and a pair of scissors where they were to meet. Just when they were about to run away screaming, they crashed into some kind of force field wall and found that they were boxed in by their teacher's chakra!! NOOOOO!!
"WELCOME!" cheered their teachers.
"We've decided that a few of your are in dire need of a haircut." Said Asuma.
"I don't need a haircut!" said Sakura. "I just got one!"
"YEAH!" said Ino. "Me too!"
"Well OBVIOUSLY some of you don't need them." Said Kurenai with is a laugh. "And the reason you're here is to help us convince other people that they need them."
"And maybe even do a little bit of restraining while we carry out our evil bidding." Kakashi added as an afterthought.
"ARTHURS FOR ALL!!" Gai exclaimed, holding up his bowl.
"BEFORE you all scream in terror." Said Asuma, addressing the students while stepping in front of Gai. "You don't have to get a bowl haircut if you don't want to."
"Like we'd want to." Said Neji.
"Except for you, Neji, YOU have to." Said Gai.
"I refuse." Said Neji.
"We got an unbiased median to make a list of the people who do not need haircuts." Said Kakashi, reaching behind his back and pulling out Iruka.
"Hi!" said Iruka. "I love being the unbiased median!"
"Just read the list." Said Kurenai in an annoyed tone as if Iruka had ranted for hours about being the median.
"Okay…Sakura, Ino, Tenten, Hinata…" said Iruka. "Unless they WANT to. And Kiba and Naruto."
"You forgot Lee." Said Gai.
"…" said Iruka. "And Lee I guess…"
"YAY!!" cheered the three men who would not be subjected to torture. Then Iruka left.
"I think I might get my haircut…" said Tenten thoughtfully.
"It is my thought that no man should have longer hair than the woman he is associated with!" said Kurenai. "So that will be our rule of thumb!"
"I don't need a haircut." Said Sasuke randomly.
"You need it cut in SOME places." Said Kakashi.
"What if we refuse to allow you to cut our hair?" said Neji defiantly.
"Then Kurenai will French braid your hair." Said Asuma, pointing to Kurenai who held up some elastics. "And you have long enough hair for it to be done."
"And what if I refuse to allow THAT?" Neji said.
"You don't have a choice in the matter!!" yelled Gai.
"So who's first?!" said Kurenai enthusiastically. "Or do we have to make an example of someone?"
"I'll go first!!" said Tenten.
The teachers sighed.
"BESIDES any girls?" Kurenai specified.
"But I want a trim." Tenten said.
"The whole reason we're doing this is to cut the MEN'S hair." Gai explained to his student.
"But Iruka said that we can get our hair cut as long as we WANT it." said Tenten.
"Do I really need to get my hair cut?" said Chouji.
"Yes." Said Asuma. "It is rather long. It just needs to be a little shorter."
"But Ino's hair is longer." Said Chouji. "And I thought the rule of thumb only applied if our hair was longer than the female on our team."
"He's right you know." Said Kakashi.
"All right, all right!" said Asuma. "You're fine!"
"But Shikamaru still needs his cut!" said Gai, waving the bowl around.
"Ino, why did you have to cut your hair?" Shikamaru said.
"Because I wanted a change!" said Ino. "Now just because you're too lazy to get your haircut doesn't mean—"
"It's NOT because I'm too lazy, it's just…" Shikamaru began. "I don't know. It's my family's hairstyle."
"I've had my hair like this since I was just a little kid." Said Sasuke. "My hair dries like this. If I cut it any shorter then it'll look really weird when it dries."
"It ALREADY looks really weird." Said Naruto.
"Shut up, Naruto." Said Sasuke.
"Nobody's touching my hair." Said Shino.
"All right, I think Shino's hair is a nice length." Said Kurenai since she didn't want to touch his hair anyway.
"So that leaves only Sasuke, Neji and Shikamaru." Said Asuma.
"Since when is the length of my hair on the same level as Neji's and Shikamaru's?" said Sasuke, looking annoyed. "I have long BANGS. And besides, my hair is shorter than Sakura's."
"Not your bangs though." Said Kakashi.
"My bangs shouldn't count." Sasuke said.
"Yeah!!" said Sakura. "Sasuke's hair is FINE!"
"If you think about it, look at how ridiculous his hairstyle is." Said Gai.
Everyone stared at Gai. Silently. No one said anything.
"Okay, okay, you've made your point." Said Gai, crossing his arms and pouting.
"I guess we didn't plan this very well." Said Kakashi to his fellow teachers.
"Yeah!" said Asuma. "Because suddenly, I realize that I don't want Shikamaru's hair to be cut!"
"No, Shikamaru's hair MUST be cut." Said Kurenai. "Or… at the very least… French braided."
"Fine, just French braid my hair." Said Shikamaru with a sigh.
"WHAT?!" yelled Asuma as well as the rest of the males.
"Let's just get it over with, okay?" said Shikamaru, sitting down on the stool with a sigh.
"YAY!" cheered Kurenai as she took out Shikamaru's elastic. Everyone gasped but couldn't help but watch in awe as Kurenai French braided Shikamaru's hair with expertise. "Wow! Shikamaru, your hair is really soft and it smells like lavender! What kind of shampoo do you use?"
"…Whatever's in the shower?" said Shikamaru.
"Oh, okay." Said Kurenai with a shrug.
"Neji, you're next." Said Gai. "So unless you want your hair to be French braided then you have to get it cut."
"Why are you four so psychotic?" said Neji.
"We're just doing what's best for you!" said Gai as tears streamed down his face.
"I still want to get my hair trimmed." Said Tenten. "Can I still get it done?"
"We're working with Neji here." Said Kakashi, looking annoyed that Tenten was being so persistent.
"Neji, if you don't cooperate nicely then Kurenai will be forced to use French Braid no Jutsu on you." Threatened Asuma.
"Oh, I know that jutsu!" said Ino.
"Me too!!" said Sakura. Yes. Sakura ACTUALLY knows a jutsu.
"It was our graduation requirement." Said Hinata.
"Your graduation requirement was a French braiding jutsu?" said Kiba, looking a little betrayed.
"I've never even heard of it." said Shino.
"Well, we female ninjas learned all sorts of jutsus like that while you guys were sparring!" said Ino. "When we weren't collecting flowers, we were learning hair braiding, sewing and cooking jutsus!"
"That's why female ninjas can never amount to anything." Said Neji.
"HEY!" yelled the five female ninjas present even though all the male ninjas couldn't help but agree with him. Inwardly, of course. They didn't want to have to face the wrath of the hair braiding jutsus.
"In that case, we'll just have to show him our French Braid no Jutsu!" said Kurenai angrily as she finished up with Shikamaru's VERY pretty French braid.
"That's okay." Said Neji. "I believe that you can do it just fine."
"Well, if you won't get your hair cut and you won't let me French braid your hair then I'll just use French Braid no Jutsu on you!" said Kurenai, putting her hand in a seal. "French Braid no Jutsu!"
There was a poof of smoke, and when it cleared, Neji's hair was French braided! It looked even prettier than Shikamaru's because there was no chance for error!
"WOW!!" exclaimed Lee who literally hasn't said anything this entire chapter. It makes sense for it to be Shino who hasn't said anything but he's said TWO things. But Lee hasn't said ANYTHING. "What an amazing jutsu!! If only my hair was longer!!"
"Lee, shut up." Said Neji as he tried to pull the braid out.
"HA!" laughed Kurenai. "That braid is bound with chakra! You will have to wait for it to loosen out BY ITSELF!! Unless, of course, you know how to cancel the move, which I doubt you do since you don't seem very in touch with your feminine jutsus."
"This…is the lamest jutsu EVER." Said Neji.
"Well, I think we're done here!" said Kakashi.
"Yes, I do believe we are." Said Gai.
"Even though we didn't really get ANYONE'S hair cut." Said Asuma. "And our original intention was to cut everyone's hair."
They all shrugged and everyone dispersed.
Except for Neji and Shikamaru who both had French braids in their hair.
"Not ALL men have never heard of French braid no jutsu." Said Shikamaru as he easily unbraided his hair and flipped it back into his regular ponytail.
"What, did you KNOW they were going to do that?" Neji said.
"Yes." Shikamaru said.
"HOW?" said Neji.
Shikamaru sighed. "I hate to say it, but I'm pretty sure I've already answered this question." Said Shikamaru. "Because… I'm… SHIKAMARU."
With that, Shikamaru left.
Neji's eye twitched just as there was a rustling from the trees. Asuma dropped down.
"I didn't REALLY leave." Asuma said. "I just wanted to tell you that that's another one of the reasons why he's a chuunin—"
"And I'm not, I know!" said Neji, sounding annoyed.