Dear Natalie,
I asked your dad to give this to you when you turned 18, because I didn't think you'd be mature enough at a younger age, and if you were, well, then you're more like me than I could ever have hoped.
I'm sitting on the bed with your dad, watching you sleep as I write this. The doctors told me I've not got a lot of time left, and I know you probably don't remember me. I'm so sorry I wasn't there to see you grow up. You're my everything baby, and I would have given anything to be able to see you become the woman you are today. I love you. So much. You're my little miracle.
I know that there either was, or will be a time in your life when you hate me for not being there. Here there were teardrops she'd been unable to hold back. But whether you believe it or not, I'll be watching you. I'll always be there for you, at least in some form or another.
I pray every day for the strength to be able to let go when the time comes, but I know that no matter how many times I do, or what promises I make, it's going to be so hard. I never meant to leave you without a mom growing up, and if you had one because your dad met someone else, tell him I'm happy for him, and I'm not saying that sarcastically. He deserves to be happy after some of the hell he's been through.
You're six months old now, still way too young to be left with only one parent. I know it's so unfair to you. And I hate that just because I got cancer you, and your dad, had to suffer. Believe me, the farthest thought from my mind when I found out I was pregnant, was not being around to see you grow up. I hope you were happy, I really do.
When I pray for the strength to let go, I always pray too, that you never resent me. This wasn't my choice, and if I'd had one, I'd be there with you now in person, instead of just in memory and writing.
I love you so much baby, I always will.
Give your dad a hug from me, please?
Love,
Mom
P.S. Your dad's never seen this, and if he has he went against my direct wishes, but this last paragraph is for him.
Garret, honey, I love you, so much. I feel so bad about leaving you with another daughter, this one who you have to raise on your own. My worst nightmares were never even close to this. I'm going to miss you, so much, sweetie. Believe me, if there was anything I could do to stay, you know I would have. Even if I had to bitch at every person in the world, I'd have done it, even just for another single minute with you. You're trying to keep Nat from screaming now, and I'm fighting so hard not to break down and cry. You two look so cute together, and I hope you stay together. I don't know what your relationship with Abby is now, but I do hope it's better than it used to be and that your relationship with our daughter is never like that. I hope you're happy, I really do. Your happiness is the only thing that ever matter to me and I hope you know that. I know some people used to think my job was more important to me but they're wrong. Nothing was more important to me than you, and then you and Natalie were. I promise.
If you've read this before she showed if to you, you can bet your ass (Your sweet piece of ass) that I'll come back from the grave just to yell at you. And you know me. You know I could do it.
Love,
Renee