category: AU/comedy
author: Manda
rating: PG/PG-13
pairing: none
spoilers: none
notes: I realize not everyone knows about Hagaren DX or understands my system of name-changing, so I'll explain it here. This fic is all Arakawa's fault by means of "Hagaren DX", her information/fanworks/parody manga where she does a series of "What If" scenarios, one of them with Mustang as a Japanese literature teacher. I took the idea and ran with it.
Masuta abbreviated form of "Masutangu", the katakana spelling
of Mustang. Arakawa has him in DX introducing himself as
"Masuta-sensei".
Hokuai katakana spelling of Hawkeye.
Hyu abbreviated form of the katakana spelling of Hughes that I'm too lazy to remember right now.
Rasuto katakana spelling of Lust.
Shezuka there are so many alternate spellings of this name already, I think everyone knows. ;;
I also used the katakana versions of first names instead of attempting to really make them Japanese and confusing everyone and myself. ;;
Those with unaltered names are another nationality - in most cases German.
In Japanese schools the students and teachers would refer to other teachers as "-sensei", hence the title. But to simplify things a little bit I just left it as the usual Westernized "Mr." and "Mrs." More formal teachers in Western countries may address students as "Mr." and "Mrs.", but Japanese teachers do it all the time, to the extent that my Sensei sometimes has trouble remembering our first names.
Characters who haven't appeared yet will, never fear; as well as the rest of the Sins.
Roi Masuta stood straight, folded his hands behind him, attempted to look commanding to class 4A. Why this situation intimidated him, he wasn't sure. It wasn't as if he hadn't faced similar ones, although he supposed said other situations didn't involve children. He didn't know how to deal with children that well, never having any of his own and not particularly wanting them either. Women were fun, children were not. So how exactly was he a middle school teacher again?
The faces of the classroom had a variety of looks; bored, apathetic, attentive, or a combination of the first two. He wondered how their last teacher had been.
"Get on with it," called a voice near the back of the room. As the laughs echoed about the room and he located the source of the insult; a blonde boy with a braided ponytail down his back. Who was currently picking dirt out of his nails as he sat in his backwards-facing chair.
Roi raised an eyebrow. "You sure have a lot of respect for your teacher."
"Are you our teacher, or just the janitor? We don't even know yet." Uneasy laughs.
Anchoring his feet to the ground, Roi finally blurted out the words he was aiming for. "I'm Masuta, your new Japanese teacher."
Years of experience finally returned to him with a sigh of relief and he wrote his name on the board in strong strokes.
"Wow, you're good at calligraphy," one of the students in the front mumbled, and he smirked. It was indeed coming back.
"Thank you. Now that I've introduced myself, I'll learn all your names. Please wave your hand when I say your name. Mr. Aaosa?"
When he reached a "Mr. Elric", the blonde ponytail boy half-waved a hand. "Yeah."
"Yes is fine, Mr. Elric."
"My Japanese isn't that good," he said, grammar perfect, with only the slightest hint of an accent. "I hope you'll forgive me for my linguistic mishaps."
"I hope you'll forgive me for calling you on them." There was his ability to be confidant and insulting; he had wondered where it had went in the beginning of class.
He finished roll and held up the textbook, which had a picture of a bird. The text always had something irrelevant on the cover.
"This is what we'll be using this year, as I think it has a great mix of literature you'll need to know for the entrance exams and also some other interesting stories. Unfortunately we'll have to focus most of the year on what you'll need to know for the exams. It's for your own sake."
There was a slightly muted groan from the class, and a long drawn out groan from a certain Mr. Elric and another blonde male in the class he identified as Mr. Tringam.
"It's not my or your choice."
"I'm sure it's not," piped up Elric.
"Please raise your hand if you have a comment, Mr. Elric."
Several girls in the class squealed and made muffled comments to the girls on the sides of them. Masuta heard "He's so stoic! Cute!" and thought they were talking about Elric until he realized they were looking at him. At least some of the girls were on his side. Not that he planned to take advantage of it in anything other than an innocent manner. Women his age (a well-concealed 28) were much more advanced and classy. Oh, and there was that thing where he could get fired for fraternizing with students. That too.
"Yes, sir," Elric said, and placed his head in a gloved hand. Maybe that'll be the end of it, considering the girls in the class seem to be on my side, Masuta thought, and rambled on a bit on his thoughts on the current state of Japanese literature. The bell rang, and the students filed out, some of the girls giving him glances and giggling as they left the room.
All in all, it didn't seem like it would be a bad class - except for that Elric, who had glared at him the entire time in his backwards-facing chair.
"I don't understand what the girls are all going crazy about. He seems like he's going to be a real hardass," said Edward. He balanced back his chair on its back legs before the blonde haired girl next to him pulled the chair legs to the ground and yelled at him.
It was lunchtime; class 4A attacked their bento boxes. The class had segregated itself into irregularly-sized groups throughout the room. Probably the biggest was the one that surrounded one Edward Elric, known troublemaker and son of the notoriously absent German ambassador.
"I don't think he'll be bad," said his brother, the slightly smaller and less outspoken Alphonse Elric. He was still capable of as much trouble as the older brother; sneaking into his brother's class from his was a routine event since the beginning of school, and that was one of his much lesser offenses. "He seemed nice. I have him too."
"I think he's okay," said the blonde-haired Winry Rockbell who had pulled Ed's chair down earlier. "I just don't like Japanese class too much. It's boring. Shop's much more fun."
"Are you kidding?" outburst Panina, to the right of Winry. "He's absolutely gorgeous. We can just look at him instead of paying attention in class!"
"See, that's what I'm talking about," replied Ed, screwing up his face. "He doesn't seem like the type to let you get away with not paying attention. And I just don't like him. He smirks too much. I bet he's a pervert or something. We should get him."
Al sweatdropped before dodging a flying rubber band from the other side of the room. "I don't think that's a good idea. We're still fighting with the other brothers. Do we want to get in a fight with a teacher too?"
The "other brothers", Fletcher and Russell, had sworn a war on the Elrics mid-last year. No one really remembered when the war started; Ed always claimed that one of them had insulted his height and then his grades and things had escalated from there and now the Tringham Brothers Deserved Death. Russell sat on the side of the room farthest away from the windows and the Elrics, surrounded by his cronies and brother (who also snuck out of class). The two parties occasionally shot glares and rubber bands at each other, such as the one Alphonse was now aiming back at them. His nickname wasn't "Armor" for nothing; he seemed impervious to attack by anyone, whether the attack took the form of punches or rubber bands.
"So? I doubt he'd be the type to take a side in THAT battle if we annoy him. He seems too by-the-book to do such a thing. And since I think he won't choose a side, and especially not the right one, I say we give him a little persuasion to join our side. And get the Tringhams at the same time," Edward said in hushed tones, and the younger Elric sighed.
"And how are we going to do this?"
"There's still thirty minutes of lunch left, right? We'll start out with the usual."
He grinned and held out a can of spray-paint.
Noon-time in the faculty room was a clatter of chopsticks, keyboards, and tea mugs. Variously colored tops of heads stuck out from between blocked partitions.
Principal Hyu slapped Masuta on the back and almost made the latter drop his dried squid.
"Yo, how's it going?"
He shrugged and popped the squid into his mouth. "Seems like they're good kids."
"I'm glad you were able to transfer here, although, I suppose it helps in getting a job if you're already friends with the Principal, yeah?"
"I suppose so. You've been bugging me to come here forever, but until now the pay just wasn't good enough for me."
"You and your expensive lifestyle, with your lady-friends and your good sushi. Reisha and I just can't compare, we're the boring domestics. By the way, did I mention that she's pregnant with the child who is certain to be the best in the world, but can never eclipse her, because they'll have to be equally the best in the world?"
"Yes, many, many times," Masuta said. He attempted not to grit his teeth to add and we'll all be happy when that happens so you'll stop going on constantly about it.
Jurika had been married to Hyu for over two years; their first child was due in several months, and Hyu just wouldn't stop talking to anyone and everyone about it. Ever. Even if the person walked away, he would follow them and keep talking about his daughter. In long sentences.
Hyu paused and waved his hand up in the air. "Yo, everyone, pay attention."
Several dozen heads looked up from computers, paperwork, or food.
"We've got a new comrade here today. I'm proud to introduce Roi Masuta, our new Japanese teacher. If he has any questions don't hesitate to help him, because he's a good guy."
A chorus of voices said hello, nice to meet you in unison, and Masuta blinked. That one voice, wasn't it-?
Hyu started going on about his wife again as Masuta surveyed the room-
And there she was, her dyed blonde hair tied up in a bun on the top of her head, glasses, the faintest trace of pink lipstick, the usual appraising look, a black pin-striped pants-suit-
He tried not to gather too much attention and made some excuse to Hyu as he slowly stood up, walked over to where she was at the other side of the room.
"Riza?" She looked up at him, eyes surprised and wide. She had looked at him like that all the time years ago, when they were children and he suggested something she didn't approve of. He did that a lot.
She looked back down at her paperwork as she spoke.
"Looks like you've lost enough of your sensibilities to stoop down to my level."
He shrugged again. That seems to be the theme of today, he thought. "I got bored. You still teaching science?"
"Yes."
"I'm teaching Japanese now."
Surprise in her eyes again, though she hid it better this time. He considered it a testament to his ability that he was able to even see the surprise at all. Ah, but there had been so many women-
"Mr. Masuta."
He turned. A blonde, clean-cut man in a blue casual suit, cigarette hanging out of his mouth. Masuta hid his immediate aversion; cigarettes pissed him off. He couldn't explain why. Maybe it was the overabundance of smoke. He smiled anyway, and bowed.
"Hello."
The man bowed in return; he spoke with a slight accent. "Hey, I'm Jean Havoc. I'm the French teacher."
"Pleased to meet you. There's such a large amount of foreign staff and students at this school, it's amazing."
Havoc shrugged. "It's because we're so near to Tokyo. And it's not like it doesn't cause problems, either - since we have so many foreign diplomats' kids they tend to act obnoxious. I'd watch out for the Elric and Tringham brothers in particular."
Riza looked up, balancing her pencil perfectly between two fingers. "They're involved in a silly little war. I believe it started when Russell called Edward short and Edward threatened to cut off Russell's head."
Masuta stored the comment in the back of his head for future reference.
"Anything else I should know?"
She glared at him, holding the pencil eraser at her lip.
"I think you'll find out for yourself. Now, if you'll excuse me, I have work to do. And by the way, calling me Ms. Hokuai is fine, Mr. Masuta."
I really don't deserve this treatment, he thought, as Havoc dragged him in another direction to meet some of the other staff. Names and faces went by so quickly that he could barely remember them though he bowed and smiled to all, and made a mental note to check the school's online directory and memorize everyone's names. The nurse, with long black hair and beautiful eyes. The slightly portly math teacher, with his shirt unbuttoned at the top and no tie. The gym teacher with the enormous muscles, who seemed to sparkle for some reason. The tiny, bubbly physics teacher with his black hair and glasses. The home economics teacher with black dreadlocks, who for some reason seemed like she was ready to rip off anyone's head at the slightest offense.
Hyu grabbed his arm before Havoc could finish the introductions.
"The superintendent wants to see you and me before the end of the lunch period. Just to discuss the signing of your contract and a couple other things. Nothing serious, you know?"
"That's fine," Masuta said. He was yanked yet again by the arm out of the office into the narrow, badly-lit hallway.
The walls and lockers were covered in red, blue, yellow, and purple graffiti.
"Well, you certainly picked an interesting day as your first day," Hyu laughed, slicking his hair back.