If You Were Gone
June 29th, 1997
Dear Ron,
I don't know how to tell you anything these days, so now it goes down in writing. At least if you never get to hear the words come out of my mouth, you'll have something to testify against. And I hope you know that I really do want to share these things with you, but I just can't. You know that, right? I don't know why it's so hard just to mutter three simple words without breaking down into tears. I just don't know, though I wish I did.
I don't know when it all started, our fourth year, maybe even third? Your sister used to try to get it through my head several times; I still don't think she's given up.
If I had known back then what would be happening today between us, I wouldn't have done all the things I did. Almost everyday I wake up thinking, why did I do that to Ron? and the thoughts never fade. And everyday when I go downstairs for breakfast, my mum always asks me what's wrong. And I don't say a thing about it. She understands that the two worlds cannot be joined together; she accepts that I have grown farther apart from her and dad. But she also recognizes my feelings. For the past three summers, I would wait until the day came that I'd see you again, and Harry of course. I packed days, sometimes weeks, ahead of time. My mum could tell that I was eager to get back to my world, to our world. She never stopped me.
I wouldn't blame you if all of this seemed too confusing or fast-paced, but it's true. I act like I don't care about you, that I only care about Harry. But that's not true, because I care for you too. I wish you could see that. Every time our eyes flicker over the others, I recognize the hurt in your eyes, the hurt that I caused. The hurt that I wish I could take back. I regret nearly every single painful word that has been spilt from my mouth. I don't know why it's only you and me who get at each other.
This morning I sat on my bed for close to three hours, just thinking. I don't even remember what was on my mind at the time that motivated me to stop and think. The past six years ran through my mind at the speed of light, but the most important things jumped out of at me, and all of them included you. My face was stained by my tears. I'm not quite sure what I cried about, but I know it was related to you.
I'm afraid for the world, for my world, for you and Harry. Harry isn't the only one with nightmares. Since the end of our fifth year, at least twice a week I would wake up shaking because someone was taken. For a long time it was just ordinary people, like Aurors and Hogwarts students, but then Harry went down with the rest. And after a while, it progressed to you. Those were the nights that I would soak my pillowcase with tears.
And even if you don't return the feelings, I will still… I will still love you anyways; because if you were gone, I would no longer have a world.
Love,
Hermione
Fin.