Again, my thanks goes out to elzed for being my sounding board and for beta'ing portions of this chapter. Thank you! All mistakes are mine. ;)
To everyone that has replied, thank you so much. :)
As always certain lines belong to Fox and Josh Schwartz.
This is rated R.
Ryan left the room and ran. Ran right to the pool house and into the bathroom where he stripped his clothes and ducked under scalding hot water.
He didn't think about what he'd done. Not yet. He couldn't. It was still too fresh and raw.
The water was fierce with his skin and his eyes burned, but he didn't change the temperature. This was what he deserved. This pain. After what he'd done... No! He wasn't going to think about it.
The air felt cool around him when he got out of the shower. It prickled his skin and made goose bumps appear.
Picking up his discarded clothes-the confining suit and tie-he hung it behind the door. He didn't want to look at it. He didn't like who he'd become while wearing it. The entire exchange with Seth had been like a disconnected dream. He thought about his hands, rough and cruel like he'd been taught, and the look on Seth's face that wasn't nearly as cold and sinister as he'd expected. Seth wasn't the one he wanted to fight. Still, he could see what he was doing but didn't know how to stop.
His burdens had become something that he always carried with him. They were attached to him like an arm or a leg. Shaking them loose wasn't an option without injuring himself or others in the process.
He was going to block it out.
Ryan couldn't settle when he tried to sleep later that night. Why couldn't he make it stop? Why couldn't he exorcise all the demons inside of himself? Images of Seth's scared eyes had haunted him every time he layed down. Frustrated with himself, he'd gotten out of bed, packed his bag and gone outside to think. He hid the duffel bag behind the garbage bins while he paced.
The night was foggy, the air wet and heavy. Ryan looked at all the perfect houses dusted in dew. Everything inside of him was telling him to just leave and not look back.
There was a tightness in his chest that he just couldn't shake. Stretching his knotted muscles, Ryan allowed his mind to go blank. It was harder than he imagined. Images of Seth had followed him outside, too. They seemed to cling to him like the mist in the air.
Seth believed Ryan was worth something and he'd hurt him. If there was one thing Ryan never wanted Seth to see it was his past, his ghosts. He'd not only shown them to him, he'd unleashed it on him, hurting him. There was too much ugliness for someone like Seth to handle. He was no better than his abusers had been. Ryan could only think of the loneliness now, the years of abuse that had taken him to this point. The ache was so bad, a pain so unbearable behind his breastbone, he could hardly breath.
Smoking his fifth cigarette, he heard footsteps behind him.
"Ryan? I thought I heard someone out here."
Ryan didn't even try to hide the cigarette.
Sandy ran a hand through his dark hair, smiling uneasily. "Uh, there's no smoking in this house."
Ryan took a deep drag, let it fill his lungs and then released it. "We're not in the house."
Sandy looked at him squarely. Without further prompting Ryan flicked the butt away. There was no point in arguing, he was done with it anyway. Sandy stepped out to crush the smoldering tip as it rolled down the driveway.
"So, what're you doing out here?"
"Couldn't sleep."
"Oh. I get like that sometimes. Listen, Ryan, I wanted to talk to you about some things."
"Like what?"
He watched Sandy's eyes as they found his duffel bag. "Are you going somewhere?"
Ryan shrugged. "Maybe."
Sandy appeared to be thinking some things over. He was tentative with his next words. "So you're having some trouble at home, huh?"
"Something like that." Ryan looked at the ground. The last thing he wanted to see was the pity in Sandy's eyes.
There was a long silence. "It was good that Seth brought you here."
"Was it?" Ryan scoffed.
"Well, I for one, am glad that Seth's made a friend. He can be a little overwhelming at first. But he's an interesting kid if you get to know him."
"I guess."
"You know, Ryan, I haven't always lived here. I know what it's like. We're cut from the same deck."
Ryan's head snapped up. He zeroed in on Sandy, looking him straight in the eye. "Don't pretend to know anything about me."
In a move that reminded Ryan of Seth, Sandy raised his hands up in defence. "Fine, then. Why don't you tell me what you're all about? What makes Ryan Atwood tick?"
"I dunno."
"There must be something. Look, Ryan, I'm not here to judge you; I'm here to help." He was trying to catch Ryan's eye, but Ryan wouldn't give him the satisfaction. He'd heard this speech all before. He knew the drill. People always pretended to care until they were close enough to take advantage.
"Yeah? How're you going to help me?"
"For starters, why don't you come into the house and I'll fix you something to eat. They never seem to serve anything edible at these functions. We can talk some more. Figure some things out together."
"Talk?" Ryan asked, sceptical.
"Or not. It's up to you." Sandy smiled. "I make a mean bagel. What'dya say?"
Ryan hadn't realized until Sandy mentioned food that he was starving. He hadn't eaten anything at the party. In fact, he hadn't eaten since breakfast. It was probably a bad idea to run away on an empty stomach anyway. "I'll be in in a minute, I just have to grab my stuff," he said, trying not to sound so enthused.
"Okay."
Ryan listened to Sandy's retreating footsteps until he couldn't hear them anymore and then pulled out the pack of cigarettes from his jacket. He studied them. The first time he'd had a cigarette he'd stolen it from his mother. That was a long time ago. Truthfully, smoking was just another one of Dawn's addictions that Ryan had hated when he was young living under her roof. Why he started smoking he wasn't sure, but he knew it was time to quit. Walking over to retrieve his bag, Ryan looked at the pack one last time and then dropped it into the trash.
It was the night after the party that Seth went to him. The sun had just gone down and Ryan hadn't been out of the pool house the entire day. Seth kept checking from his bedroom window that the light was on just to be sure that Ryan hadn't slipped out.
Ryan had been avoiding him, but he was still in the house-the pool house, at least-and that was all that mattered. He hadn't told anyone what had happened the night of his grandfather's birthday party. He wasn't even sure he really knew what had occurred. It all got jumbled and confused the more he thought about it. So he stopped thinking about it.
Seth knocked on the door before entering. "Ryan?"
Ryan was lying in the centre of the bed, his arm over his eyes. Seth thought he might have been asleep, but as he drew closer, Ryan was startled and sat up at his intrusion.
Seth didn't have a plan for what he was going to say. He was just going to go with whatever came out of his mouth first and roll with it. Walking toward the bed, Seth sat down in one of the wicker chairs adjacent Ryan and blurted out, "I don't think you need to be saved."
"No?"
"No. I think you've been hurt and I don't- I know you didn't mean it." Seth looked down at his shoes. One of the grommets at the side had fallen off and the material was beginning to fray where the hole was. "That thing that happened at the party is going to keep happening unless I can show you in some way that I want us to be friends...that I don't view you as just some guy that-"
"Sucked your cock?" Ryan's smile was glib.
"More colourful language than I would have chosen, but yes."
"Just forget about it."
Seth leaned forward. "No, Ryan. I can't and neither can you. It's always going to be between us," he said, motioning between himself and Ryan. "Unless I do something about it. So, I'm here. Doing something about it. I never meant to hurt you, I just...I wanted to be near you." Seth shook his head, realizing how ridiculous he sounded. "I'm sorry."
"Don't apologize."
Seth sprang up. He was going to pace now. It allowed him to think better. "We're not in Chino anymore, Ryan, and I can't help it, I am sorry. More sorry than you'll ever know. "
"That not what I meant."
Seth stopped pacing and waited for Ryan to continue.
Ryan's cheeks were pink and his eyes were focussed on his feet. "I should be the one... Just, don't apologize anymore."
Seth dropped himself onto the bed, twisting his body so he was able to touch Ryan. His hand landed, tentatively, on his knee, slid downward toward Ryan's thigh. "I-I want to make it up to you. I'm not sure this is the best way, but it's all I could come up with." Seth reached out and grabbed a hold of Ryan's belt buckle. He slipped it out of the hook and pulled it undone.
Ryan pushed his hand away, moved away. "What're you doing?"
"I'm...you know."
"You think this'll make us even?" Ryan asked pointing to his crotch. "That's fucked up!"
"No! I know I screwed up -we both sort of screwed up," Seth said, scratching behind his ear. "It's just- This way, you'll have to put your trust in me and I'll have to trust you. That's what this is about, right? I still trust you, Ryan."
"I don't trust anyone." Ryan's eyes were cold, but Seth saw through him.
"I think you're lying. I think you do trust me. You mean something to me, Ryan, and I don't want to hurt you. Somewhere deep inside I think you know that. I think, maybe, I might even mean something to you."
"I wasn't trying to hurt you, either. I didn't-" Ryan stopped as if realizing he'd given too much away.
"You don't have to explain. Just let me do this. I want to." Ryan looked sceptical. "I want to," he repeated, more for his benefit than for Ryan's. Pushing Ryan down so he was on his back, Seth moved closer. He took a big breath.
Seth eyed the front of Ryan's jeans. They were old and faded, hugging Ryan in all the right places. Seth once again reached for Ryan's belt, this time there was no resistence. The button and zipper gave easily.
"Wait." Ryan lifted his hips and stuck his hand in his pocket.
Seth hesitated.
Producing a condom, Ryan slipped it into Seth's hand. "Use this."
Seth held the condom in his palm. Safety first. Ryan must have been trained to have condoms ready for use. Seth didn't like to dwell on that, on what it meant in a larger sense. Closing his hand around it, he felt his pulse speed up.
His eyes again shifted to Ryan's jeans. He could see hints of Ryan's boxers and what was in them. There was no point of staring at it the whole night. Swallowing hard, Seth gathered his courage and began to tug Ryan's jeans off.
Now came the tricky part. What did he do first? It wasn't like he didn't know how a penis operated and it wasn't like he'd never jerked off before-'cause, really, he did that everyday just about-but it was different trying to get someone else off.
"Do you, uh, wanna take your shirt off?"
Ryan grabbed the ends of his shirt and pulled it up over his head, slinging it onto the floor. Seth regarded Ryan's bare chest. He noted each scar, each bruise, each scratch. The first initial touch wasn't well received. Ryan flinched out of habit or fear -Seth wasn't sure which. Taking his time, Seth got Ryan to calm down the more he touched him. Lightly, reverently, he marked the lines of faded scars and new bruises. Ryan's skin was warm under his fingertips. Seth's thumb strummed Ryan's nipple and after checking to make sure it was okay, he did it again and again until Ryan's breathing began to change.
Seth knew that going to Chino had been a big risk. Anything could have happened. He could have been arrested, beaten up or worse, but none of those things had happened. He'd met Ryan and took another risk in bringing him home. Everything had turned out good for the most part, so Seth wasn't as afraid anymore. Taking another risk, Seth licked his lips, leaned forward and kissed Ryan's chest. His eyes moved to Ryan's face, but Ryan's eyes were closed and his hands were clenched at his sides.
Seth kissed his way down Ryan's abdomen. His eyes fell on the deep scar on Ryan's side -the one caused by hatred, forever wrought with bad memories. Seth let his tongue sink into the groove, hoping to erase the pain. Ryan gasped and turned his head to the side.
Seth could feel his own erection pressing against his jeans but he refused to acknowledge it. This wasn't about him. This wasn't even really about sex. Trust, he told himself. This was about trust.
Seth's hand slipped inside Ryan's boxers. Ryan's shaft was thick and pulsing. Moving his hand experimentally, Seth wasn't prepared for the feeling of inadequacy that came over him.
He was bad at it. Really, really bad. It was one thing to think about it, to fantasize, but it was a whole different thing to be doing it.
Was he going too fast? Too slow?
Was there too much pressure? Not enough?
It was almost too much responsibility. He wanted to make this good for Ryan, to erase all the other bad memories.
Having dropped the condom sometime during his exploration of Ryan's body, Seth blindly searched for it while he continued to rub his thumb against the head of Ryan's cock.
Finally finding it, Seth tore open the package and pulled out the condom. His first two attempts to put it on Ryan failed. It was going from bad to worse. "Who knew a condom was so complicated?" he said, trying to make light of the situation.
Ryan took the condom from Seth's hands and placed it over his own erection. He wouldn't look at Seth. Seth didn't know what that meant. He wasn't sure he wanted to know.
Seth took in a series of short breaths before he lowered his mouth to Ryan's erection. He swirled his tongue around the head of Ryan's cock a few times before he had to pull back. A condom wasn't exactly blow job friendly. It tasted like hospital gloves. Not that Seth had tasted hospital gloves...but it was how he imagined they would taste.
"Dude, can I just, like, take this thing off. I seriously think I might be allergic to latex."
Ryan's eyes opened. "It's not safe."
"Well, uh, you always use a condom, right?"
Ryan nodded.
"So then, it's perfectly safe. I'll take my chances."
"You shouldn't. I've..." Ryan looked away. His cheeks, flushed from arousal, got a deeper shade of pink.
"Dude, what?"
"I get tested every couple of months, but, when I was young... There were times when I wasn't always safe. Protected. Whatever."
"I trust you."
"Maybe we shouldn't do this," Ryan said. He attempted to get up, but Seth gently pushed him back down.
"If it's that important to you... Condom stays, okay?"
Ryan nodded and settled back down.
Ryan did not like giving up control. And that was exactly what he was doing, allowing Seth to take control. It was a complete role reversal.
He wanted them to be safe. They had to be safe. He didn't want to hurt Seth, even unintentionally. Ryan froze. He didn't want to hurt Seth. He didn't want to hurt him because he cared what happened to him. He...cared about Seth.
Seth had gone back to do whatever it was that he was doing. What Seth lacked in experience, he made up for in enthusiasm. Licking, sucking. Rubbing. Seth did it all.
Ryan let the tension drain from his body. He began to settle down and relax, enjoy what was happening when the worst image popped into his brain...
Her fingers were cool, clammy, against the buckle of his belt.
Ryan pushed the image away only to invite more in.
...his face pressed into the warm dirt so he wouldn't be found...the smell of sour whiskey and turpentine locked in the air...the smack of boots on the gravel inches from where he lay, taunting him...
Ryan closed his eyes tight. Everything was spinning.
... milk-white fingers...a laugh he once found soft and warm, cackling in his eardrums...
"Ryan?"
Seth's voice. Seth. He was here with Seth. It was Seth doing these things. Seth touching him.
"Are you okay? Do you want me to stop?"
Ryan shook his head. He concentrated on Seth's tongue circling the head of his cock through a thin layer of latex, he concentrated on Seth's hand around his shaft and his other hand gentle on his abdomen. Soon the memories floated away and all he could feel was pleasure where he hadn't had any before.
Sex had become just a job to Ryan. He'd forgotten how good it could be. He felt sensations flooding through him that he'd always been afraid to feel. This wasn't bad. This wasn't dirty. This wasn't like before. This was not like he always thought about sex in his jaded way.
Ryan could feel the pressure building in his body. It felt like Seth was tearing down all the walls he'd built around himself, making all his inhibitions crumble. He began to move his hips in rhythm with Seth's mouth, participating instead of letting it happen to him.
He tried to hold back, to stop the inevitable, but Seth was relentless in his efforts. Ryan jolted up, clenching his jaw as he came.
"Fuck!" Ryan couldn't catch his breath. It had simultaneously been the worst and best blow job Ryan had ever had.
Seth was watching him with a dizzy smile on his face.
"I can't believe that just happened. That was, like...whoa."
Ryan blinked. Post-orgasm numbness had settled in. Anything could go wrong and it wouldn't matter because he was so relaxed.
Seth, on the other hand, was a ball of nerves, pleased with himself.
When he regained some energy, Ryan went to the bathroom to dispose of the condom. He craned his head out the door. Seth was still looking at him. It would have been unsettling if Seth didn't look so damn eager.
"So, that was...interesting," Ryan said, having regained his composure.
Seth stood and met him on the small landing. "It was okay, though, right? I mean, I did okay?"
Ryan nodded, feeling his cheeks heat. "You were okay."
"Good. Great. Listen, I'm going to go. It's all ready late and you're probably tired, right? Tomorrow we can talk some more, figure some more things out."
Ryan walked Seth to the door. Everything he had done since Seth walked in felt foreign.
Seth was halfway out the door when he turned around and surprised Ryan with a hug. Ryan's first instinct was to push him away, but Seth must have been anticipating it with the way he held on so tight. Ryan stopped fighting it.
The backyard had finally been restored back to normal. The platform had been disassembled, the streamers and balloons taken down and the party dishes washed. There were mounds of trash bags that needed to go outside. Kirsten was so exhausted from months of planning that she was taking it easy, taking her time to get all the garbage to the curb.
Hefting two large bags down the driveway, she set them down and opened the lid of the trash bins. She looked inside briefly and then looked again when something caught her eye. Reaching down, she picked up the pack of cigarettes. Kirsten looked back at the house. Pacing the driveway, she contemplated what to do. She was positive the cigarettes belonged to Ryan, but if she accused him...? He'd thrown them away. At least that was a start. Still, she slipped them into her pocket just in case temptation proved to be too much for him.
With some effort, Kirsten deposited the trash into the bins and walked up the driveway. Checking for damage to her flowers, she edged toward the pool house. The gardenias were doing horrible. She had to remember to call the gardener in the morning,
Kirsten stopped. Listened. There were voices coming from the pool house.
The shades were drawn. Moving closer, Kirsten could see shadows in the room. It could only be Seth and Ryan. But what were they...? Oh, God.
Kirsten's mouth dropped. There had to be an explanation. It couldn't. They couldn't be...
Stumbling back, Kirsten turned and walked back toward the house. She went inside and didn't stop moving until she was safely inside the sanctity of her own bedroom.
Kirsten was thisclose to confessing what she'd seen. Her nerves were shot. She masked it with anger. "I don't want that kid in my house!"
Sandy closed the file he'd been looking at and folded it over his lap. "What? Why?"
"He's trouble. Look what I found!" Kirsten held up the package of cigarettes, tossing them onto the bottom of the bed.
Sandy reached forward and picked them up. He examined them a minute and then set them down on the night stand. "I've talked to him about it all ready."
"He's a bad influence!" Kirsten rummaged through her drawers looking for her nightgown, looking for anything to keep her hands busy so Sandy couldn't see how bad she was shaking.
Sandy sighed. "He's just a screwed up kid. He needs some guidance."
Kirsten whirled around. "Oh, and I suppose you want to give it to him?!"
"Couldn't hurt," Sandy said, shrugging. "What's really going on here?"
Kirsten concentrated on taking off her clothes and then putting on her nightgown. "I don't like the way Seth's been acting lately."
Sandy chuckled in that sarcastic way that told her he didn't buy a word she was trying to sell him. "What, you mean happy? You've said it yourself: he's smiling more, he's laughing. He can't be your baby forever, honey. You have to let go sometime. We both knew this was coming."
Kirsten was taken aback. "I know. That's not..." She stopped, shook her head. "Remember when Seth was a baby and he got croup? No matter what we did, he just wouldn't sleep. He just kept coughing." Kirsten peeled back the covers and got into bed under the cool sheets. She smiled fondly, remembering. "You ran the shower and the whole bathroom filled with steam. We stayed in there for almost an hour. Our clothes got drenched, it was hot and sweaty, but the coughing stopped and he finally fell asleep in my arms, his little hands clutching my neck... I remember thinking that I just wanted to hold him like that forever. It was so easy then."
Sandy reached over and took her hand, kissed the back of it and let their joined hands drop between them. "It was never easy... It's just more complicated now. Teenagers!"
"Yeah." She rested her head on Sandy's shoulder and closed her eyes.
Sandy picked up the folder. He skimmed through it once again. "I think we're in over our heads, though. I mean, look at this: suspected physical abuse; suspected sexual abuse; detachment disorder; anger issues; eight different foster homes in one year."
Kirsten opened her eyes, lifted her head and looked at Sandy. "Eight in one year?"
"It's very vague, but it seems that his mother left them alone and didn't come back for an undetermined amount of time. Ryan and his brother were separated and put into foster care."
"That's horrible!"
"There are worse things in here. I can't even... I can't." Sandy visibly shuddered. Kirsten didn't want to know anymore. She didn't want to know what he'd all ready told her after what she'd witnessed. How was she going to send Ryan back to a life so horrible? It had to be done, though. Seth was too important to her.
"Sandy."
Sandy shook his head and Kirsten could see his mind at work trying to figure out the cruelty that some humans possessed. "I've seen cases of abuse but nothing like this."
Letting go of his hand, Kirsten pulled the blankets up around herself and settled down into the bed. "I can't deal with this, Sandy. I don't want him around Seth. Get him out of this house."
"The father is listed as deceased. He has a brother in jail. His mother's last known address is over three years old! Where is he going to go?"
"I don't know. We have to do what's best for this family, what's best for Seth. I just... please, Sandy."
Kirsten reached over and turned off the lamp on her night table. In the darkness she wouldn't be able to see Sandy's disapproval, disappointment.
She listened as he set down the folder and slumped down into his side of the bed.
Two hours later she was still awake, looking at the blank wall through the darkness. She had convinced herself that sending Ryan away was the right thing to do, but if that was true why did it feel like there was a giant weight on her shoulders and her chest was caving in?
She had to talk to Ryan.