One Meeting
"Please wear your badges," Hermione entreated Harry and Ron, "We need to support Winky."
"I don't care how much support ARSE gives, I am not wearing a badge until you change the name."
"You may have a point..." Hermione said. After some deliberation, she said, "Yes...maybe for the benefit of the American readers," she paused, and then, so as not to over-confuse Ron or Harry, swiftly changed it – "I mean, imaginary American exchange students, we should call it the All-out Sobriety Society."
"NOOOOO!" Neville randomly appeared, screaming, in their path. "This is BRITAIN – the national muggle currency is POUNDS not DOLLARS; mum is spelt with a "u" not an "o"; Harry's FRINGE covers his scar, not his BANGS; and it was the PHILOSOPHER'S STONE – actually an object that alchemists looked for – that Harry rescued in his first year!" Then he ran away again, still screaming.
In America, where thinking is apparently discouraged, they call it the Sorcerer's Stone.
Now I have successfully alienated the target audience, back to the plot.
"Wait, Neville!" Harry called after the swiftly disappearing, rather rotund boy. "Aren't you coming to the DA meeting?"
"The DA?" Neville questioned. "Why do we still have DA meetings – Umbridge is gone and Tonks is a competent teacher."
"Yes, I know," Harry replied, "but the author needs a reason to have a group of people who aren't all in Gryffindor who are relatively well known." A long silence met this remark.
"Uh, what he means is...it's fun!" Ron covered up, shoving more of Harry's potion down his throat.
"Nice recovery," a random bee buzzed in his ear. This was too much for Hermione, who launched herself at the bee, screaming something about this not being Aladdin. Unfortunately, or fortunately depending on whether or not you think Ron looks good in purple, Hermione smacked him in the face by accident. Ron collapsed to the floor. After all, we know from certain very accurate films that her blows are 'brilliant' and 'feel good'. (This doesn't mean anything dodgy, in case you can find sexual innuendo in anything, like Spinach)
Hermione rushed over to him – "Asleep, my love?" She trailed of, blushing and performed a quick memory charm, before restarting her Shakespeare quote...I mean, perfectly normal prose. "Asleep...Ron? What dead, my dove?" To appreciate this fully, get a boy to read her part in falsetto.
"No," Ron said, standing up again, "But did you have to hit me?" Ron, who, incidentally, did not think that he looked good in purple, and therefore did not want a bruise, queried. Are you still with me or was that last sentence far too complicated? Deep breaths now, no need to panic...
"I'm sorry Ron!" Hermione exclaimed. "I honestly only did that to provide a good...no, wait...a really bad way for the author to orchestrate your exit." Hermione paused before swearing to herself. That was the third time this chapter that the author had been mentioned. She got out a stress ball and muttered to herself, "I am not a fictional character. I am not a fictional character."
A random mirror appeared and said, "That's the spirit, dear." Do not ask how a mirror spoke – it has the right to speak just like everything else. Just because it has neither a voice box, nor a tongue, nor lips (the latter tow are essential for changing noise into intelligible, or in mine and Spinach's case, random yet rather worrying, sounds)... ARE YOU PERSECUTING REFLECTIVE SURFACES?? HUH, PUNK?!?!?!
Sorry about that, coursework and revision overload.
In the time it took Hermione to think of the Violation-Of-Mirror- (rights)-Is-Terrible Society, and then reject it because she couldn't think of another word to do with heaving and VOM(r)ITS wasn't quite up to scratch, all the other members of the DA, excepting Cho and her friend, Michael Corner and his friends, and that random Zacharias guy, because neither of the authors like any of them, appeared.
Wow! A 71 word sentence and you haven't yet gone brain-dead. I applaud you.
They were about to head off to the Room of Requirement when suddenly Professor McGonagall ran up.
"Oh Ron, you are hurt!" McGonagall exclaimed.
Ron asked someone to please explain to McGonagall what happened after you had been hit in the face a very short time ago.
Hey, if you haven't read The House at Pooh Corner recently, it's you loss. Such a great book... (emotional sniff)
"In any case," McGonagall said, her voice no longer the squeak it had just been, and wondering why she had just felt the urge to be a pink Very Small Animal. "We shall have to call a meeting of the Gryffindor Quidditch team – Ron's injury needs to be discussed."
"I don't think that's entirely necessary," Harry said, confused, "Anyway, aren't I the captain so I'm the one who should decide when team meetings are called and you, in fact, have nothing to do with it?"
"No," Hermione said, a little hysterically, glancing at a copy of the rough outline of the plot, "I really think you should go. I mean, Gryffindor colours are gold and scarlet, and if Ron turns up purple..." she trailed off before finishing darkly, "it would be terrible for morale."
"Ok," Harry said, simple creature that he is. He then skipped off to have a meeting with the fellow members of the team: Ron, Ginny, Colin and Dennis Creevey, Seamus and Dean.
The rest of the DA members (not that Colin or Dennis are members...) stood around awkwardly. "Well, we can't really have a meeting with so many members gone, can we?" Hermione prompted.
Suddenly, Blaise Zabini appeared and said, "I know, let's go down to the kitchens and scab some food off the elves!"
Hermione stared. "What are you doing here? You were mentioned once! Once in the entire series! You only exist so JK could show off how she could think of last names beginning with "z"!"
Blaise broke down into hysterical sobs. "That didn't stop other people randomly inserting me into their fics! People don't even know whether I'm male or female! I don't even know!"
Hermione patted Blaise on his...her...THE shoulder. And she thought Harry had gender issues. "There, there," she said, trying to be comforting.
"Don't patronise me!" Blaise screamed before running off into the distance and starting a new double life as a spy. He/she was great at it – even Bond only gets an average of three women per film, but Blaise could get guys as well, seeing as even he/she didn't know what he/she was, never mind which way he/she swung. (According to spy films, the number of what shall be called 'relationships' so that this fic doesn't have to change to PG13, that a person has, the better a spy they are.)
After a suitable amount of time spent staring in shock after Blaise, Neville said, "He...she... It was a good idea though, going down to the kitchens." Take note of who says this, and also how he has previously been described as rotund. Another adjective shall be added to this –
"You're obese, Neville," Justin Finch-Fletchley (that's right, not just Justin; all Hufflepuffs have to have their last names directly following their first names, just in case the reader get confused with all the other Justin's, Ernie's, Hannah's and so on that attend Hogwarts.) "It's a good idea though."
"Did you know," Hermione, who clearly did know, asked, "that if you're too fat, you're fat can choke you?" No-one knows, and no-one will ever know, why she chose to share this. Except Hermione, of course, because she knows everything, but...she doesn't want to tell anyone...yeah... (aside – I think they believe me...)
Somewhere during this ramble, they managed to arrive at the kitchen. Hermione tickled the pear (and don't start persecuting fruit and saying that it can't be tickled just because it doesn't have nerve endings...it has the right to be tickled if it so chooses.) The portrait swung open.
Winky appeared. "Yes, miss?" she asked, looking at Hermione fiendishly.
"Hmmm," said Hermione, turning towards the others. "How suspicious! Winky is usually drunk, not alert and ready to serve. And the other house- elves are usually rushing around, preparing food, not tied up in a corner with gags in their mouths." She looked directly at where a camera would be if it was a film and not just everyday life, and said, "Could this be something to do with the stranger in the Hog's Head?"
"You are getting paranoid," Ernie MacMillan said pompously (guess the house just by how many names he is referred to by). "Can we have..." he paused, a very pompous pause (well, it is Ernie MacMillan), "the basket of the gently glowing cupcakes with a suspiciously empty phial next to it?"
"Of course, sir," Winky said, handing them the basket. Everyone took a cake as they left the kitchen and started eating. Then Winky was alone (aside from all the other house-elves that were tied up) and she laughed a deeply evil laugh.
"Mwah hah hah hah hah!" It would have been so much more sinister if it wasn't actually the approximate pitch of a dog whistle.
IIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIII IIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIII
I am going to respond to all the reviewers individually now, because it should give me a feeling of Zeus-like power. TEE HEE!!!!! You won't know what I'm talking about because you haven't read the reviews (I care little that you can easily read all reviews, or that the replies are easy to work out from context)
Fallen Angel of Deatheaven: thanks for being such a staunch supporter of this fic – you don't know how warm and fuzzy it makes us feels inside to have had someone there with us from the beginning. Not very actually, but oh well...
Flaming Bubbles of Death: yeah, read "say what" and that is soooo funny (SPOON!) Have you read "how to write a harry potter fanfic" or any of Silver Pheonix25's parodies??? They're really funny as well.
Elly and the Gundam Wing Fan: that wasn't shameless flattery in the previous reply, honest...ahem. You really shouldn't have mentioned HP 3 because I'm just going to have to rant about some more things which I had forgotten.
Why did they randomly change the location of the castle???? WHY!!!!! I'm so confused. I mean, we all already know that they teach magic at Hogwarts (kind of essential to the plot, really) so why do they feel the need to prove it by changing the location???? And Lupin looked really really bad as a werewolf – the only difference between them and real wolves is meant to be tubular nostrils or something, yet the werewolf in the film looked like an oversized ferret soaked in formaldehyde or something. And it was fooled by Hermione's really bad imitation howl that obviously wasn't a proper howl.
A nonny mouse ( ): good thing that you aren't Spinach coz that would be REALLY sad... oh yeah, good job on that really original pune
"Please wear your badges," Hermione entreated Harry and Ron, "We need to support Winky."
"I don't care how much support ARSE gives, I am not wearing a badge until you change the name."
"You may have a point..." Hermione said. After some deliberation, she said, "Yes...maybe for the benefit of the American readers," she paused, and then, so as not to over-confuse Ron or Harry, swiftly changed it – "I mean, imaginary American exchange students, we should call it the All-out Sobriety Society."
"NOOOOO!" Neville randomly appeared, screaming, in their path. "This is BRITAIN – the national muggle currency is POUNDS not DOLLARS; mum is spelt with a "u" not an "o"; Harry's FRINGE covers his scar, not his BANGS; and it was the PHILOSOPHER'S STONE – actually an object that alchemists looked for – that Harry rescued in his first year!" Then he ran away again, still screaming.
In America, where thinking is apparently discouraged, they call it the Sorcerer's Stone.
Now I have successfully alienated the target audience, back to the plot.
"Wait, Neville!" Harry called after the swiftly disappearing, rather rotund boy. "Aren't you coming to the DA meeting?"
"The DA?" Neville questioned. "Why do we still have DA meetings – Umbridge is gone and Tonks is a competent teacher."
"Yes, I know," Harry replied, "but the author needs a reason to have a group of people who aren't all in Gryffindor who are relatively well known." A long silence met this remark.
"Uh, what he means is...it's fun!" Ron covered up, shoving more of Harry's potion down his throat.
"Nice recovery," a random bee buzzed in his ear. This was too much for Hermione, who launched herself at the bee, screaming something about this not being Aladdin. Unfortunately, or fortunately depending on whether or not you think Ron looks good in purple, Hermione smacked him in the face by accident. Ron collapsed to the floor. After all, we know from certain very accurate films that her blows are 'brilliant' and 'feel good'. (This doesn't mean anything dodgy, in case you can find sexual innuendo in anything, like Spinach)
Hermione rushed over to him – "Asleep, my love?" She trailed of, blushing and performed a quick memory charm, before restarting her Shakespeare quote...I mean, perfectly normal prose. "Asleep...Ron? What dead, my dove?" To appreciate this fully, get a boy to read her part in falsetto.
"No," Ron said, standing up again, "But did you have to hit me?" Ron, who, incidentally, did not think that he looked good in purple, and therefore did not want a bruise, queried. Are you still with me or was that last sentence far too complicated? Deep breaths now, no need to panic...
"I'm sorry Ron!" Hermione exclaimed. "I honestly only did that to provide a good...no, wait...a really bad way for the author to orchestrate your exit." Hermione paused before swearing to herself. That was the third time this chapter that the author had been mentioned. She got out a stress ball and muttered to herself, "I am not a fictional character. I am not a fictional character."
A random mirror appeared and said, "That's the spirit, dear." Do not ask how a mirror spoke – it has the right to speak just like everything else. Just because it has neither a voice box, nor a tongue, nor lips (the latter tow are essential for changing noise into intelligible, or in mine and Spinach's case, random yet rather worrying, sounds)... ARE YOU PERSECUTING REFLECTIVE SURFACES?? HUH, PUNK?!?!?!
Sorry about that, coursework and revision overload.
In the time it took Hermione to think of the Violation-Of-Mirror- (rights)-Is-Terrible Society, and then reject it because she couldn't think of another word to do with heaving and VOM(r)ITS wasn't quite up to scratch, all the other members of the DA, excepting Cho and her friend, Michael Corner and his friends, and that random Zacharias guy, because neither of the authors like any of them, appeared.
Wow! A 71 word sentence and you haven't yet gone brain-dead. I applaud you.
They were about to head off to the Room of Requirement when suddenly Professor McGonagall ran up.
"Oh Ron, you are hurt!" McGonagall exclaimed.
Ron asked someone to please explain to McGonagall what happened after you had been hit in the face a very short time ago.
Hey, if you haven't read The House at Pooh Corner recently, it's you loss. Such a great book... (emotional sniff)
"In any case," McGonagall said, her voice no longer the squeak it had just been, and wondering why she had just felt the urge to be a pink Very Small Animal. "We shall have to call a meeting of the Gryffindor Quidditch team – Ron's injury needs to be discussed."
"I don't think that's entirely necessary," Harry said, confused, "Anyway, aren't I the captain so I'm the one who should decide when team meetings are called and you, in fact, have nothing to do with it?"
"No," Hermione said, a little hysterically, glancing at a copy of the rough outline of the plot, "I really think you should go. I mean, Gryffindor colours are gold and scarlet, and if Ron turns up purple..." she trailed off before finishing darkly, "it would be terrible for morale."
"Ok," Harry said, simple creature that he is. He then skipped off to have a meeting with the fellow members of the team: Ron, Ginny, Colin and Dennis Creevey, Seamus and Dean.
The rest of the DA members (not that Colin or Dennis are members...) stood around awkwardly. "Well, we can't really have a meeting with so many members gone, can we?" Hermione prompted.
Suddenly, Blaise Zabini appeared and said, "I know, let's go down to the kitchens and scab some food off the elves!"
Hermione stared. "What are you doing here? You were mentioned once! Once in the entire series! You only exist so JK could show off how she could think of last names beginning with "z"!"
Blaise broke down into hysterical sobs. "That didn't stop other people randomly inserting me into their fics! People don't even know whether I'm male or female! I don't even know!"
Hermione patted Blaise on his...her...THE shoulder. And she thought Harry had gender issues. "There, there," she said, trying to be comforting.
"Don't patronise me!" Blaise screamed before running off into the distance and starting a new double life as a spy. He/she was great at it – even Bond only gets an average of three women per film, but Blaise could get guys as well, seeing as even he/she didn't know what he/she was, never mind which way he/she swung. (According to spy films, the number of what shall be called 'relationships' so that this fic doesn't have to change to PG13, that a person has, the better a spy they are.)
After a suitable amount of time spent staring in shock after Blaise, Neville said, "He...she... It was a good idea though, going down to the kitchens." Take note of who says this, and also how he has previously been described as rotund. Another adjective shall be added to this –
"You're obese, Neville," Justin Finch-Fletchley (that's right, not just Justin; all Hufflepuffs have to have their last names directly following their first names, just in case the reader get confused with all the other Justin's, Ernie's, Hannah's and so on that attend Hogwarts.) "It's a good idea though."
"Did you know," Hermione, who clearly did know, asked, "that if you're too fat, you're fat can choke you?" No-one knows, and no-one will ever know, why she chose to share this. Except Hermione, of course, because she knows everything, but...she doesn't want to tell anyone...yeah... (aside – I think they believe me...)
Somewhere during this ramble, they managed to arrive at the kitchen. Hermione tickled the pear (and don't start persecuting fruit and saying that it can't be tickled just because it doesn't have nerve endings...it has the right to be tickled if it so chooses.) The portrait swung open.
Winky appeared. "Yes, miss?" she asked, looking at Hermione fiendishly.
"Hmmm," said Hermione, turning towards the others. "How suspicious! Winky is usually drunk, not alert and ready to serve. And the other house- elves are usually rushing around, preparing food, not tied up in a corner with gags in their mouths." She looked directly at where a camera would be if it was a film and not just everyday life, and said, "Could this be something to do with the stranger in the Hog's Head?"
"You are getting paranoid," Ernie MacMillan said pompously (guess the house just by how many names he is referred to by). "Can we have..." he paused, a very pompous pause (well, it is Ernie MacMillan), "the basket of the gently glowing cupcakes with a suspiciously empty phial next to it?"
"Of course, sir," Winky said, handing them the basket. Everyone took a cake as they left the kitchen and started eating. Then Winky was alone (aside from all the other house-elves that were tied up) and she laughed a deeply evil laugh.
"Mwah hah hah hah hah!" It would have been so much more sinister if it wasn't actually the approximate pitch of a dog whistle.
IIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIII IIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIII
I am going to respond to all the reviewers individually now, because it should give me a feeling of Zeus-like power. TEE HEE!!!!! You won't know what I'm talking about because you haven't read the reviews (I care little that you can easily read all reviews, or that the replies are easy to work out from context)
Fallen Angel of Deatheaven: thanks for being such a staunch supporter of this fic – you don't know how warm and fuzzy it makes us feels inside to have had someone there with us from the beginning. Not very actually, but oh well...
Flaming Bubbles of Death: yeah, read "say what" and that is soooo funny (SPOON!) Have you read "how to write a harry potter fanfic" or any of Silver Pheonix25's parodies??? They're really funny as well.
Elly and the Gundam Wing Fan: that wasn't shameless flattery in the previous reply, honest...ahem. You really shouldn't have mentioned HP 3 because I'm just going to have to rant about some more things which I had forgotten.
Why did they randomly change the location of the castle???? WHY!!!!! I'm so confused. I mean, we all already know that they teach magic at Hogwarts (kind of essential to the plot, really) so why do they feel the need to prove it by changing the location???? And Lupin looked really really bad as a werewolf – the only difference between them and real wolves is meant to be tubular nostrils or something, yet the werewolf in the film looked like an oversized ferret soaked in formaldehyde or something. And it was fooled by Hermione's really bad imitation howl that obviously wasn't a proper howl.
A nonny mouse ( ): good thing that you aren't Spinach coz that would be REALLY sad... oh yeah, good job on that really original pune