Disclaimer: I own all the Harry Potter characters and setting and stuff...hmmm, I'm sure there should be a negative in there somewhere. I own all the Harry Potter characters and not setting and stuff?? No, still not right. Oh well.

The Slytherin Common Room

"Hey, Harry," Ron called as Harry skipped by. "You should try this stuff." He proffered a bad of what looked like Bertie Bott's Every Flavour Beans.

Harry accepted and approached Ron. It was always wise to eat something before going to see Myrtle – she always got so upset if his stomach rumbled as it reminded her that hers could not. However, when he reached inside the packet, he couldn't feel any beans, just some powder.

Shocked, he looked at the packet more closely and found that, as well as crushing Ron's beans, someone had mislabelled his packet! Bertie Bott's Every Flavour Cocaine? As far as he knew, there was no such thing.

(I know – more bad drug jokes. We should know better. Don't worry – this is the last one (I hope))

However, as we all do know, Harry's knowledge doesn't stretch very far. We can illustrate this by imagining all of Harry's characteristics as little fluffy balls with miniature legs and arms and big cartoon eyes. His Ego's the big red one in the middle that has Harry's Feminine Side and his Sensitivity on its arms. His Paranoia is the huge purple one, hiding in the corner, biting its fingernails, its eyes darting about, trying to identify some more prospective murderers. His Knowledge is the dull grey one, standing outside the group, a toupee on its head to try to cover its bald spot. It is the one that is being ignored by all the others [there is an effectively discordant bit in the music that resolves itself to a soft minor triad]. As the camera zooms up on his Knowledge, we see that it has blinkers clamped to its head, representing Harry's ignorance of anything but Myrtle.

[The music becomes deathly quiet]. Harry's Knowledge turns and starts to walk away, looking back only once to see if anyone has noticed its departure. The shot cuts back to the party, where Harry's Paranoia is accusing his Conscience of trying to poison it the previous night. His Ego is now making out with his Feminine Side, having ditched his Sensitivity, who is sitting on a stool, crying.

The shot cuts back to his Knowledge who, dispirited, takes off his toupee and drops it. [The camera follows the fall of the toupee in slow motion. A bass drum is hit just as it hits the ground. The camera stays focused on the toupee until all the dust settles, whereupon the shot changes to that of Harry's Knowledge walking morosely into the distance. Music fades out.]

Awwwww... Who else was crying? Come on – you can tell me! Don't you just love the corniness?

Ahem

As has just been established, Harry's Knowledge wasn't exactly complete, so the fact that HE doesn't know of Bertie Bott's Every Flavour Cocaine doesn't mean anything. In fact, this product was quite famous as there had been a big legal battle when it first came out.

Upon its arrival in his local sweet shop, a concerned citizen took the matter first to the authorities and then to court.

That's right – false advertising.

The citizen argued that, as cocaine was snorted, it wasn't right to call it 'Every Flavour' as the flavours couldn't be tasted. Mr. Bott, for his defence, brought in a Muggle biologist, who told the jury that 'taste' and 'flavour' were two different things; 'taste' was detected on the tongue, while 'flavour' was detected by the nose.

The jury, having been told this, was so confused that they unanimously decided that Mr. Bott was not guilty of the charge. It was at this point that the Ministry of Magic remembered cocaine was illegal and tried to lock Mr. Bott away. This proved difficult as Bertie Bott turned out to be a marketing gimmick, a bit like Colonel Sanders.

Harry, who didn't know this, but did know that Myrtle was waiting for him, patted Ton on the shoulder sympathetically and told him that next time he should check the packet before he bought anything. Then he skipped off again.

When Harry entered the bathroom, he found Myrtle waiting for him, a piece of parchment in her hand. She proffered it to him.

"I found this," she said. "It must have fallen out of your pocket the last time we..." she blushed. "The last time we had..." she trailed off, embarrassed.

"You know," Harry reflected, "until I met you, I didn't realise people could do that with ghosts."

"Yes, well..." Myrtle blushed again. "It must have fallen out." She offered him the parchment again.

Harry took it, wondering why she was so embarrassed at admitting to having played twister. He looked at the parchment. Written on it, in block capitals, were the words, "IMPORTANT PARCHMENT ONLY TO BE READ BY SLYTHERINS WHICH DEFINITELY DOESN'T CONTAIN THE SCHEDULED TIME OF THE NEXT MEETING WITH VOLDEMORT"

"Well," said Myrtle after a long pause, "aren't you going to open it?" Harry looked at her, amazed.

"I would never have thought of that!" he said. He opened the parchment.

All Death Eaters are invited to a rendezvous in the Slytherin Common Room of Hogwarts School of Witchcraft and Wizardry. This meeting will be to discuss the future of the Death Eaters – your children! For the first time, they will be able to meet with careers advisors who will help them to decide what role they want to play in the Death Eater organisation. The meeting is at 7:30 on the 17th June – don't be late!

Tapas and martinis will be available but you must provide your own potpourri.

Répondez, s'il vous plaît

Lord Voldemort

(Squiggly signature)

Harry gasped in shock. "You know what that means, don't you?"

"That Lord Voldemort will be in Hogwarts in approximately 8 minutes? That Dumbledore has gone so you will, once again, be left to face Voldemort alone?" Myrtle asked, her eyes shining.

"No!" Harry said, "It means that the Slytherins will be breaking school rules!"

"By consorting with the most evil wizard of all time? By planning to become Death Eaters?"

"No!" Harry shouted, outraged, "They will be drinking alcohol within school boundaries AND," he paused dramatically, "they will be bring in material that some students may be allergic to!"

"The potpourri?" Myrtle asked. "You're angry about the martinis and the potpourri?"

But Harry wasn't listening to her. "Come Myrtle! We must save the integrity of this school!" he shouted, before running out of the door.

Myrtle glided after him, mouthing "potpourri?" to herself every so often.

As they approached the Slytherin Common Room, it was almost silent, except for the sound of Harry's heavy breathing. No matter what being on the Quidditch team had done for the Creevey brothers' physique, it had not made Harry fit. After all, it's the broomstick that's doing all the exercise, not him. It may have influenced his ability to have children (think about it – width of broomstick and how he balances on it – that's a lot of pressure to put on a sensitive area) but his one true love is dead, so that doesn't really matter.

Harry collapsed on the floor for five minutes while he got his breath back. Then, he slowly eased his way up, trying to shake the cramps out of his legs. He walked over to the portrait hole.

"Ummmmmm, pureblood?" Harry tried, remembering the password from years ago. Seeing the look on the portraits face, he continued – "Death-to-all-mudbloods? I-love-the-Dark-Lord? Basilisks-are-for-life-not-just-for-Christmas?"

Suddenly, he heard a slow, contemptuous drawl – "Harry Potter."

Harry didn't need to turn around to know it was Draco Malfoy who spoke – the narrator had said it was a drawl – but he did anyway. "Myrtle?" he asked, identifying the person behind him. He paused – there was something wrong here. "That was a very good imitation of Malfoy," he tried. No, something still wasn't right.

"I'm over here," it was a hissed, faintly embarrassed drawl. "Turn 40 degrees to your left." Harry did so.

"Malfoy!" Harry said. This was more like it. Then he had a realisation – the element of surprise was lost – "NOOOOOOOOO!!!!!"

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Hey!!!!! It's really unfair – back to school on Thursday... NOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!

Just so you know, to get some of the jokes in this fic, it would be a good idea to watch/read the following obsessively so you get all the references:

Harry Potter 1: Blaise Zabini is in there, as are phrases like, 'how very wrong he was' and 'orange, Longbottom?' Obviously all the others as well as this is a Harry Potter fic.

Finding Nemo: should watch this obsessively anyway (Pony boy? You know, for a clownfish, he's not that funny.) I was talking with my friends yesterday about the Shining and I said "here's Brucey!" and they all said, "no, it's 'here's Johnny!'" because they hadn't watched this film enough times

Pirates of the Caribbean: same applies. You know, I made a reference to this film while explaining one of Spinach's references – to the bit which goes "Elizabeth's safe, just like I promised; she's off to marry the Commodore, just like she promised, and you're about to die for her, just like you promised. So we're all men of our word, except for Elizabeth, who is, in fact, a woman."

The Emperor's New Groove: love this film. "I'll turn him into a flea, a harmless little flea, and then I'll but that flea in a box, and I'll put that box in another box, and when it arrives – AH HA HA HA HA – I'll smash it with a hammer! It's brilliant, brilliant, brilliant I tell you; genius, I say! [pause] Or, to save on postage, I could just poison him with this!" There are a few references to this in Spinach's last chapter.

Beauty and the Beast: the best part of this film is Cogsworth's laughter. Watch it, and listen to his laughter. For example: "And as I always say, if it's not Baroque, don't fix it! Ah ha ha ha, ha ha." Or, "You're lady awaits. Oh ho ho." Spinach did a reference to this film in her last chapter as well, and challenged you people to find it and not one of you reviewed with an idea. Not many reviewed for that matter.

The Lion King: I know, sad but true. Do love Disney films. We even had a Mulan reference in this chapter – the potpourri bit.

Shrek 1 and 2: these are so great. You know the popping noise that donkey does? I was so tempted to do that during the exams...just resisted (well, except for once or twice...)

The Simpsons: probably referred to this somewhere. Watch this way too much.

Terry Pratchett books: love these. These are the originator of the need for five exclamation marks, for, as he puts it, this is "the sure sign of an insane mind."

The rest of it is just chemical imbalances in our brains...I think. PITY US!!!!!