Minus Myrtle

Harry knelt in shock on the common room floor, oblivious to the Death Eaters around him casually discussing the 471 Dark-Lord-approved ways to kill Muggles and to the piteous, drawling pleas of his fellow student.

"Could somebody help me? Please? All I need is a diamond edged cutting utensil. Is that so much to ask?"

Nobody paid him any attention. The Death Eaters were arguing over whether Magic Muggle Massacre (™) #357 was 'Push a Muggle off of a high cliff using a nearby stone that you have transfigured into a long stick' OR 'Push a Muggle off of a high cliff using a nearby pebble that you have transfigured into a long stick.'

Those who had given up on the argument were bewailing the fact that in Modern MNC times, all senior Death Eating involved was paperwork.

Harry had collapsed to the floor, tears forming in his eyes. Draco couldn't quite figure out if this was grief or if Harry's eyes were simply watering from squinting in an attempt to focus for so long.

"I think I may have permanently injured my spine..." Draco drawled loudly. "I need immediate medical attention!"

There was no reaction.

"Stupid bloody Death Eaters," he drawled under his breath.

As one, everyone turned to look at Malfoy. (Except for Harry, who was already looking at him... Or, at least, he thought he was. Although 'Draco' later turned out to be a lampshade.)

"Young people of today," said one man disgustedly. "They have no respect for their fellow human beings."

The Death Eaters filed out of the common room, so hurt that the biggest act of sadism they managed was some half-hearted treading on Draco as they made their way out.

It was just Harry and Draco now. Two underage wizards who were poorly equipped against this unforeseen enemy – hair gel as an adhesive in association with suicidal glasses.

Draco settled down for a nice angsty night in which the former enemies would discover shocking and humanising truths about each other.

Thankfully, he was saved from this fate. It was actually only fifteen minutes before Hermione discovered them.

"There you are Harry! The whole of Gryffindor's been out searching for you! It's already 8pm, you know – WAY past your bedtime."

She performed a quick charm to repair Harry's glasses and a rather complex one that freed Draco without removing all of his hair.

Draco quickly rushed off to find the nearest mirror. Harry, however, wandered vaguely out of the common room, too choked up with emotion to speak. Hermione followed him silently and respectfully to the girls' toilets. Myrtle's toilets.

Harry couldn't bottle it up any longer.

"Oh, Hermione! She's gone! My One True Love has died...AGAIN... I shall never feel the same about anyone else. We were so close...like..."

"Zirconium and hafnium?" Hermione suggested.

Harry gave her a look of utter bewilderment.

"Zirconium and hafnium not only occur naturally together in ores, they are so chemically similar that it took over a century to distinguish between them. Don't you read?"

"Not that!" exclaimed Harry. "I already knew THAT..." He descended into silence for a moment as he tried to concentrate on glancing suspiciously at himself and then gave up and continued, "You actually sounded intelligent again! And you weren't talking about Goyle!"

Hermione looked slightly queasy. "Well, thankfully, Dumbledore popped in to see if he could scab a cup of tea from school funds and he realised what a state the school was in."

"That's right," Ron said, stepping out from behind a door at the moment it would give maximum dramatic effect. Before Harry could say, "What in Merlin's Beard are you doing in my girlfriend's toilet?!?" Ron continued the story. "Dumbledore came across me as I was on my drug high. He said, and I shall never forget his words, 'Mr. Weasly, what big pupils you have.' And he waved his wand and I was suddenly well enough to say 'All the better to...absorb lots of light with...' It was amazing. I told him that the whole school was messed up and he performed some incredibly complicated magic and the stability of the universe was restored."

Ah! thought Harry, for the benefit of the slower readers, So THAT'S why Voldemort had suddenly returned to his normal psychotic self and all of those miscellaneous Bernards had disappeared!

"We're so lucky that Dumbledore came back. I'm sure you realise what terrible danger we were in," said Hermione, confident that he didn't so she would have a chance to show off her intellectual prowess in front of Ron... I mean, in front of her friends...

However, her plan was thwarted as Harry felt, at this point, that he could put in something to the conversation. "Of course! I once knew someone whose guinea pig used to get very twitchy around potpourri. What's to say that that's a guinea-pig-specific complaint?!"

Ron patted him sympathetically on the shoulder while Hermione continued as if he hadn't said anything.

"Voldemort was trying to give us, and all of your other friends, a potion that would give us the opposite personalities. He thought that the further instability in your life would be enough to send you over the edge. He would have succeeded if it hadn't been for Myrtle.

Harry let out a little sob. There was another silence. At first, he thought it was to let him compose himself. He soon realised that Hermione's pointed glare was directed at him. He gave in.

"Wow, Hermione. How did you figure that out," he said monotonously.

"Well," she said, excited, "it was at the Hog's Head that I realised..."

Harry did try very hard to be interested but it was well past his bedtime and it had been a long day. His listening consisted of a lot of tired blinking and a very poor recollection of what had just been said. This is rather fortunate as we missed out most of the events that Hermione used to solve the mystery. However, Hermione's curious tooth brushing action needed to be explained, so he caught the last bit.

"...so it was obvious that's what he wanted to do."

"However, he didn't count on Winky being a rogue element. He thought she was just a good little house elf who does what she's told. I knew that she has a rebellious streak in her because after cleaning the toilets one day, she mixed up Lavender's and my toothpaste. From there, the only possible conclusion that could be drawn is that Winky would give Voldemort some potion so his Dark Scheme would turn into something more frivolous, as it did."

Harry didn't know what 'frivolous' meant, but he assumed it meant 'gut-wrenchingly evil.'

"If it was all so obvious, why didn't Dumbledore realise?" asked Ron, right on time. It was almost as if he was reading from (a rather poorly written) script that was trying to explain all of the convoluted 'logic' behind what had happened that year.

Almost.

some of Harry's potion is forced down reader's throat

It was at this point that Dumbledore himself stepped dramatically out of the nearest cubicle. "Harry," he said gravely, "I'm afraid I have something to confess."

Harry tried to look serious, but it was getting increasingly difficult not to let out a yawn.

Aren't long passages of explanation dull?

Dumbledore continued, unaware of Harry's thoughts. "I haven't been very involved in the fight against evil this year because I've been fighting for a cause that is far more worthwhile... The fight to renew my contract with the company that makes Sherbert Lemons!"

He paused dramatically, and Harry belatedly realised that he should have gasped in shock.

"That's right Harry," said Dumbledore solemnly. "The reason I like Sherbert Lemons so much is I'm paid to advertise them."

Harry gave another gasp, just in case.

"So you really were talking about Sherbert Lemons with the Fat...Horizontally Over-Endowed...Lady," interrupted Hermione, anxious to show how well thought out this fic is.

"Well done, Miss Granger. The Sherbert Lemon money is vital for our finances, so I felt the need to discuss the problem with a miscellaneous painting.

"Vital?" queried Ron, wishing that some of what he said in this chapter would sound like actual dialogue.

"Mr. Weasly. No less that seven children from your family have attended Hogwarts – the best wizarding school in the country – despite your apparently non-existent affluence. The reason you can do this is that most of our funding comes from Sherbert Lemons."

The trio paused in thought.

"So Goyle is paying for our education? Because he eats so many sweets?" Ron asked hopefully.

"Indirectly, I suppose."

There was another pause as Ron tried to fix this feeling of revenge in his mind forever.

Dumbledore left them to their little victory.

It was as they were walking up the stairs to the common room that Harry remembered his problems, which had been conveniently forgotten throughout the explanations to make them over more quickly.

Well, Myrtle couldn't be helped, he supposed. She died, properly this time, brave, noble and completely out-of-character. For her sake, Harry would try to be out-of-character as well by not being such a moody git.

The other problem was less easily solved, though.

"Hermione, Ron," he whispered, beckoning them towards him, despite the fact that the trio had been walking quite close together on an otherwise deserted staircase.

"Voldemort told me...he said I was his son." Harry bit his lip anxiously to show that he was really just a boy and definitely no the son of a dark wizard who spent most of his time trying to kill him.

Fortunately, Hermione agreed with him. "Don't be silly, Harry! Voldemort can't be your dad!"

"Why not?" asked Harry, waiting for her to talk of his bravery and inner nobility that meant that there was no way he could be the cunning and underhand heir of Slytherin.

Yeah, right.

"Harry, haven't you noticed his unnaturally high voice? I know how it happened. It's mentioned in Hogwarts: A History. Chapter 27: Past Prefects and their Unfortunate Accidents. Terrible thing. Though he does deserve it."

"WHAT?!?"

"Harry, Lord Voldemort's a eunuch."

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AN' A THUMPIN' GOOD 'UN!!!!!

This is our penultimate but one chapter! SOB! (shut up with your treacherous cries of relief!!!) So we thought we'd do something INTERACTIVE!!!!! OOOOOHHHHH!!!!! awe (AWWWW!!!!! ...that's AWE not AWWW!!!)

The competition is this: answer a simple question on our fic and you will win your very own....dramatic music...highly coveted...drum roll GUEST APPEARANCE IN OUR NEXT FIC!

Yeah! We're writing another one and forcing it onto you! YAY!!!!

The simple question is...

What links the chapter titles of our fic?

Find out... well... depends on who gets it and how soon.

Until next time!