Chapter 6 Through Madness

Sirius flung himself on the sofa in front of the fire. He tipped his head back, closing his eyes, and tried to get his breathing under control. The Order meeting had just ended. Snape was driving him crazy with his taunts and barbs.

'Slimy, greasy git!' James yelled angrily.

"Acting like he's so important. Fucking Death Eater. Why does Dumbledore even trust him?" Sirius asked furiously.

If only he could be out helping, doing something, instead of here in this damn house that he hated. Even occasional trips to Windy Corner or Jack's flat didn't help because Sirius was still imprisoned unable to do anything that really mattered. For all that he could do, he might as well still be imprisoned in Azkaban.

"You all right?" Jack asked softly.

"Yes." Sirius growled. He could still feel himself vibrating with anger. The sofa dipped as Jack sat down next to him. "I said I was fine." He snapped, gray eyes flying open to glare at Jack.

"I know." Jack responded calmly. "I don't believe you." Jack reached for Sirius's hand and held it loosely, allowing Sirius to jerk it away if he wanted to. Sirius felt calmer now that Jack was touching him. His fingers slowly tightened on Jack's hand as his breathing calmed.

"He's right, I don't do anything for the Order. I don't do anything at all." It made Sirius even madder to admit that Snape was right. He felt almost sick with anger. His stomach churned and he fought to calm his breath again.

"If you did and the Dementors caught you, it'd be game over. It's safe for you here."

"I don't want to be safe!" Sirius yanked his hand from Jack's loose grasp and stood. He started pacing the floor, feeling his anger surging through his veins. "Who the hell cares about being safe?"

"So you'd like to be a soulless shell of a man? Because I saw Barty Junior the other day and, let me tell you, it's an appealing sight." Jack snapped.

"I just want to be useful!" Sirius yelled.

"You are!"

"How?"

"You're a huge support for Harry. He needs you."

"He's the only one." Sirius said bitterly, stopping and gazing into the fire.

"He's not the only one." Jack said as he stood. They'd been together over two months now.

"He should be."

"What's that supposed to mean?"

"It means that I fucked things up for Harry once, I'm not going to do it again."

"And you think being with me-"

"I don't need a distraction."

"That's what I am? A distraction?" Jack asked slowly.

"Yes." Sirius lied. He took a deep breath and then said the most hurtful thing he could think of. "I only fucked you because I couldn't have Remus, because you look enough like him I could pretend I did. And now I realize I only want the real thing. I don't want you."

Jack stared at him, anger, disbelief and hurt swirling in his eyes before he turned and walked out the door. Sirius stood in front of the fire, feeling empty and cold. James and Lily stared at each other in shock.

"Sirius?" Remus's voice startled him. "I just saw Jack leave, he looked really upset…what happened?"

'Tell him what you did! He'll help make it right.' Lily pleaded.

'She's right. You need to fix this, he loves us.' James agreed.

"Oh, Moony, I just fucked everything up." Sirius sank to his knees in front of the fire and told Remus what had happened.

"Why? Why would you say that? Did you mean it?" Remus was shocked.

"I don't know why I said it. I was so mad at Snape, I couldn't think straight. It just made me crazy - more crazy… I didn't mean it. I don't want you anymore…not like that. I like him…I love him, but…I always hurt everyone, I always let people down. I always fuck up." Sirius felt like crying or tearing his skin off.

"So…you just decided to do it sooner rather than later?" Remus asked softly.

"Yeah." Sirius scratched at his arm.

"Oh, Sirius." Remus reached out and put his hand over Sirius's, stopping his movement. "You don't always fuck up."

"Yes, I do. I just did. I lied." Sirius bowed his head and stared at the floor. "It's over."

"It's not over…at least, you could try to repair what you've done. If you explained, you could fix this." Remus was silent for a moment, "Jack's not like me." He said thoughtfully.

"I know that, Remus." Sirius snapped, lifting his head to glare at his best friend while trying to get his hand out of Remus's grasp. Remus was stronger than he looked, Sirius had forgotten that.

"No, I know you know that." Remus smiled reassuringly at Sirius. "Would you like some tea?"

"No." Sirius finally succeeded in twisting his hand free.

'What does he mean that Jack's not like Moony?' James asked.

'Yes, what did he mean?' Lily asked.

"What do you mean he's not like you?" Sirius asked reluctantly.

"I just meant, it's going to take more than an 'I'm sorry' to set this right. To win him back."

'What would it take?' Lily asked immediately. 'Sirius! Ask him!'

"What would it take?" Sirius asked.

"Oh…I don't know. I don't know him that well, but…that was very mean. You're probably going to have to beg, grovel, flowers might help…or chocolate." Remus looked thoughtful. "You could cook him dinner, then beg, grovel, plead and then give him chocolate."

"You think I should apologize." Goaded by his pride, which sounded like his father, Sirius spoke. He was a Black, damn if he'd apologize for something.

"Of course you should! Damn it, Padfoot! I hadn't seen you this happy since…since Harry's first birthday! You love him! And to give all that up on the off chance that you'll mess it up is…well it's stupid!"

"I already did mess it up! What if I say I'm sorry and I mess it up again? Or what if he leaves me? Or he could die! What would I do then?" Sirius asked desolately.

"You can't live your life based on coulds and ifs, Sirius. Where's the Marauder I knew? The one who wasn't afraid of anything?"

"He died in Azkaban."

Author's Notes: Thanks to my reviewers! Sorry this is a little angsty now…life's a little sucky right now. But I did promise a happy ending and I will deliver. Next chapter up in a few days.