Soon I shall dominate the world! Bwahahahahahahaha... what!? The cameras
are on? Oh shit! Well, ahem... I don't own these characters so if you don't
say anything, neither will I.
Last time Cloud crashed into a tree and crushed a bunch of pikachus that were planning to shove a firework up his ass. Not to mention seeing Rin's Hooker Agency and at the very end, Seymour was getting to know Don Corneo. This chapter he finally arrives back at the bar.
Tifa is pacing around the room impatiently. Aeris is sitting on a stool at the bar with an empty bottle of Jack Daniels in front of her)
Tifa: (tapping foot) where the hell is he? He's been gone nearly 3 days now! How long can it take just to get the shopping?
Aeris: (groggily) What are ya tawkin' 'bout?
Tifa: Jesus! I give up!
(She stamps off up stairs, leaving Aeris alone with the bar)
Aeris: Ooooohhhhh... dwinks!
(Up stairs, Tifa is busy designing decorations for the party. Unfortunately shes not very good at it since her, ahem... 'assets' keep getting in the way. Also being slightly grumpy doesn't help. We don't why she's in a mood. Probably that time of the month again)
Tifa: I can't concentrate! RRRRRAAAAARRRRRGGGGHHHH!!!
(She throws the scissors she's trying to use out the window. Unfortunately Cait Sith was standing outside at the time and the scissors stab him in the eyes. He starts to roll around on the ground in agony but nobody seems to really care)
Tifa: Where is he getting to!?
(She jumps onto the bed and lies down)
Tifa: (yawns) think I'll rest my eyes a bit...
(She nods off and dreams of beating the shit out of people. About 5 minutes later Cloud walks through the door of the Seventh Heaven to see... Aeris giggling to herself with several bottle of alcohol strewn across the bar)
Aeris: Oh! Hewwo (hic) Cwoud...
Cloud: Err... hi, Aeris...
(Cloud walks towards her and takes a deep breath, only to keel over slightly)
Cloud: Jesus Christ Aeris!!! You smell like the insides of a keg!
Aeris: Flattery won't get anywherreee...
(She falls off of her stool and ends up crushing Marlene who happens to be walking past)
Marlene: Holy Shi-! (Crush)
Aeris: Did you hear somethin'?
Cloud: Err... no.
Aeris: Oh. Well... I think I've sat in something nasty!
(She stumbles up and Marlene is stuck to her backside)
Aeris: I'm gonna go to shleep for a couple of days, shee yoo next spwing...
(She falls unconscious and ends up crushing Marlene again)
Cloud: ......... Ooookay... I'd better put the shopping away...
(As Cloud walks away, Marlene starts to drag heself from underneath Aeris. But unfortunately, as Marlene's half way out, Aeris decide to, errrrr... throw chunks)
(Cloud walks to the pantry and opens the door. It is pitch black and he can hear a strange sort of growling coming from inside)
Cloud: Shit! Sounds like a monster! Best get ready!
(He drops the shopping on the ground and pulls out his Buster sword. With his other hand he reaches for the light switch. He flicks it on and sees......... Barret! After his eating spree, he's now the size of one of those giant inflatable balls that people run along the inside of)
Cloud: Holy shit Barret! What the hell have you done!
Barret: Well you forced into it! You shouldn't have called me a – hey! Is that more food!
Cloud: Yeah, wh - wait a minute! Don't tell me you're still hungry!
Barret: Give me the food now!
(Enter Battle)
(Barret: 2517hp Cloud: 2852hp)
Barret: Give me food!
(Barret uses Limit Break 'Sumo Smash Attack'! Cloud gets 1356 damage. Remaining hp=1496)
Cloud: Jesus! You fat bastard!
Barret: Don't call me that!
Cloud: Fat Barret. Get ready to meet... fat chocobo!
(Summons fat chocobo who crushes Barret. Unfortunately, he also smashes half the house. People can see into whats left of some of the upstairs rooms and in one of them, Tifa is half naked as she was trying on her clothes)
Tifa: Eeeeeeeeeeekkkkkkkk!!!
Cloud, Fat Chocobo, Barret and anyone else who had a good enough view: (blushing) .........
(Tifa re-emerges fully dressed and looking very pissed... but not the kind of 'pissed' that Aeris is)
Tifa: CLLLLOOOOUUUUUDDDD!!!
Cloud: Oh shit! I'll see you guys in a couple of day's... seeya!
(Cloud sprints off with Tifa not far behind swinging an awfully large saucepan)
Tifa: Come back here you bastard and take your punishment like a man! I'll teach you to summon Fat Chocobo in the house again!
Cloud: That's okay! I already know how to!
Tifa: Come back here!!! RRRAAAAARRRRGGGGHHHH!!!
(Cloud summons Bahamut)
Cloud: Come on! Help me out of this mess!
(Bahamut looks around and sees Tifa swinging the saucepan around)
Bahamut: Oh shit! Sorry, but you're on your own! (Vanishes)
Cloud: Oh dear...
(Back at the Seventh Heaven, or what's left of it anyway, Barret has finally crawled out from underneath Fat Chocbo. Due to the amount of effort this took, he is normal size again. He sits down next to Fat Chocobo)
Barret: Phew! Though I'd never get out from under their... and I'm hungry again too!
(He looks up at Fat Chocobo and starts to drool)
Barret: Just wait here for a few seconds fat chocobo...
Fat Chocobo: Why? Where are you going?
Barret: Ohhh... nowhere. Just going to fetch my fire materia (walks out of the room)
Fat Chocobo: Oh, okay. Seeya in... a... bit...
(Back outside, Cloud is dragging an unconscious Tifa back to the Seventh Heaven. She now has two lovely black eyes. As they are about to walk through the front. Barret walks through licking his lips)
Barret: Holy shit! What happened to her?
Cloud: Well... it all goes something like this... (flash back begins)
(Tifa is chasing Cloud whilst swinging her saucepan around. However, with each step she takes, her breasts fly up and smack her in the eyes)
Cloud: ...and that's how it happened.
Barret: .........ah.
Cloud: Well, better try and bring her around...
(He plops onto one of the benches in the Seventh Heaven and goes into the pantry to get some frozen peas and sees the most horrible, terrifying and dispicable thing in his life)
Tune in next time to find out what it was that was so horrifying and despicable that has got Cloud shittin' his pants. Find out in Chapter 5... 'What do bad-guys do in their spare time!' .........Okay! Who the hell is coming up with names of these chapters cos whoever it is, is so getting sacked. What's that's? I did? Shit! P.S. Don't worry. Sephy will appear soon.
Last time Cloud crashed into a tree and crushed a bunch of pikachus that were planning to shove a firework up his ass. Not to mention seeing Rin's Hooker Agency and at the very end, Seymour was getting to know Don Corneo. This chapter he finally arrives back at the bar.
Tifa is pacing around the room impatiently. Aeris is sitting on a stool at the bar with an empty bottle of Jack Daniels in front of her)
Tifa: (tapping foot) where the hell is he? He's been gone nearly 3 days now! How long can it take just to get the shopping?
Aeris: (groggily) What are ya tawkin' 'bout?
Tifa: Jesus! I give up!
(She stamps off up stairs, leaving Aeris alone with the bar)
Aeris: Ooooohhhhh... dwinks!
(Up stairs, Tifa is busy designing decorations for the party. Unfortunately shes not very good at it since her, ahem... 'assets' keep getting in the way. Also being slightly grumpy doesn't help. We don't why she's in a mood. Probably that time of the month again)
Tifa: I can't concentrate! RRRRRAAAAARRRRRGGGGHHHH!!!
(She throws the scissors she's trying to use out the window. Unfortunately Cait Sith was standing outside at the time and the scissors stab him in the eyes. He starts to roll around on the ground in agony but nobody seems to really care)
Tifa: Where is he getting to!?
(She jumps onto the bed and lies down)
Tifa: (yawns) think I'll rest my eyes a bit...
(She nods off and dreams of beating the shit out of people. About 5 minutes later Cloud walks through the door of the Seventh Heaven to see... Aeris giggling to herself with several bottle of alcohol strewn across the bar)
Aeris: Oh! Hewwo (hic) Cwoud...
Cloud: Err... hi, Aeris...
(Cloud walks towards her and takes a deep breath, only to keel over slightly)
Cloud: Jesus Christ Aeris!!! You smell like the insides of a keg!
Aeris: Flattery won't get anywherreee...
(She falls off of her stool and ends up crushing Marlene who happens to be walking past)
Marlene: Holy Shi-! (Crush)
Aeris: Did you hear somethin'?
Cloud: Err... no.
Aeris: Oh. Well... I think I've sat in something nasty!
(She stumbles up and Marlene is stuck to her backside)
Aeris: I'm gonna go to shleep for a couple of days, shee yoo next spwing...
(She falls unconscious and ends up crushing Marlene again)
Cloud: ......... Ooookay... I'd better put the shopping away...
(As Cloud walks away, Marlene starts to drag heself from underneath Aeris. But unfortunately, as Marlene's half way out, Aeris decide to, errrrr... throw chunks)
(Cloud walks to the pantry and opens the door. It is pitch black and he can hear a strange sort of growling coming from inside)
Cloud: Shit! Sounds like a monster! Best get ready!
(He drops the shopping on the ground and pulls out his Buster sword. With his other hand he reaches for the light switch. He flicks it on and sees......... Barret! After his eating spree, he's now the size of one of those giant inflatable balls that people run along the inside of)
Cloud: Holy shit Barret! What the hell have you done!
Barret: Well you forced into it! You shouldn't have called me a – hey! Is that more food!
Cloud: Yeah, wh - wait a minute! Don't tell me you're still hungry!
Barret: Give me the food now!
(Enter Battle)
(Barret: 2517hp Cloud: 2852hp)
Barret: Give me food!
(Barret uses Limit Break 'Sumo Smash Attack'! Cloud gets 1356 damage. Remaining hp=1496)
Cloud: Jesus! You fat bastard!
Barret: Don't call me that!
Cloud: Fat Barret. Get ready to meet... fat chocobo!
(Summons fat chocobo who crushes Barret. Unfortunately, he also smashes half the house. People can see into whats left of some of the upstairs rooms and in one of them, Tifa is half naked as she was trying on her clothes)
Tifa: Eeeeeeeeeeekkkkkkkk!!!
Cloud, Fat Chocobo, Barret and anyone else who had a good enough view: (blushing) .........
(Tifa re-emerges fully dressed and looking very pissed... but not the kind of 'pissed' that Aeris is)
Tifa: CLLLLOOOOUUUUUDDDD!!!
Cloud: Oh shit! I'll see you guys in a couple of day's... seeya!
(Cloud sprints off with Tifa not far behind swinging an awfully large saucepan)
Tifa: Come back here you bastard and take your punishment like a man! I'll teach you to summon Fat Chocobo in the house again!
Cloud: That's okay! I already know how to!
Tifa: Come back here!!! RRRAAAAARRRRGGGGHHHH!!!
(Cloud summons Bahamut)
Cloud: Come on! Help me out of this mess!
(Bahamut looks around and sees Tifa swinging the saucepan around)
Bahamut: Oh shit! Sorry, but you're on your own! (Vanishes)
Cloud: Oh dear...
(Back at the Seventh Heaven, or what's left of it anyway, Barret has finally crawled out from underneath Fat Chocbo. Due to the amount of effort this took, he is normal size again. He sits down next to Fat Chocobo)
Barret: Phew! Though I'd never get out from under their... and I'm hungry again too!
(He looks up at Fat Chocobo and starts to drool)
Barret: Just wait here for a few seconds fat chocobo...
Fat Chocobo: Why? Where are you going?
Barret: Ohhh... nowhere. Just going to fetch my fire materia (walks out of the room)
Fat Chocobo: Oh, okay. Seeya in... a... bit...
(Back outside, Cloud is dragging an unconscious Tifa back to the Seventh Heaven. She now has two lovely black eyes. As they are about to walk through the front. Barret walks through licking his lips)
Barret: Holy shit! What happened to her?
Cloud: Well... it all goes something like this... (flash back begins)
(Tifa is chasing Cloud whilst swinging her saucepan around. However, with each step she takes, her breasts fly up and smack her in the eyes)
Cloud: ...and that's how it happened.
Barret: .........ah.
Cloud: Well, better try and bring her around...
(He plops onto one of the benches in the Seventh Heaven and goes into the pantry to get some frozen peas and sees the most horrible, terrifying and dispicable thing in his life)
Tune in next time to find out what it was that was so horrifying and despicable that has got Cloud shittin' his pants. Find out in Chapter 5... 'What do bad-guys do in their spare time!' .........Okay! Who the hell is coming up with names of these chapters cos whoever it is, is so getting sacked. What's that's? I did? Shit! P.S. Don't worry. Sephy will appear soon.