Now That's Scary

Chapter 3: Familiarity Breeds Contempt

Or: Auctorial Aischrology

Or: Professional Trick-or-Treaters

Disclaimer: It's chronologically impossibly for me to own The Nightmare Before Christmas, because I was only two years old when it was released.

(Sorry, but I've unintentionally lied to my readers. This chapter will not involve what was promised earlier, but something different. Well…not that different.)

To quote Farla, who writes the Unoriginality stories (as well as several others) for Pokemon: "This idea pops up every now and then, and I hate it mainly because it's stupid." The idea focused upon in this chapter is the one where Jack invites Lock, Shock, and Barrel to live with him for a while. I would like to explore what might really happen if the four of them lived under the same roof.

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Lock, Shock, and Barrel (collectively known as "Boogie's Boys," even though Shock was female) stood on the doorstep of Jack Skellington's castle, which looked surprisingly more like a mansion. They had inexplicably evicted themselves from their treehouse, as if some author had suddenly decided that the main character's abode would be a better place for mischievous children to reside. Although the three children would normally be arguing amongst themselves and chattering up a storm, they were virtually silent.

"Should I ring the doorbell?" Barrel asked his companions.

"Go ahead," replied Lock. "We've been listening to sarcastic narration for three long sentences now, after all."

Barrel stepped up to the chain hanging from the circular cavity in the wall, and pulled. Everyone present heard the sound of a scream, which was obviously intended as a one-time gag, but got old rather quickly.

Thirty seconds passed.

"Why hasn't Jack answered the door?" Lock asked impatiently. "He never fails to answer the door almost instantly after we ring the bell."

A response came from inside the house. "Nobody's home! Go away!"

"Very funny, Jack," sneered Shock. "C'mon. Let's go inside."

"Um, pardon me for bein' rude, but exactly why are we gonna go in?" asked Barrel. "Do we have a real reason for leaving our private, personality-suiting treehouse to live in some dark, foreboding castle that already belongs to someone else? It's not like we'll die if we stay where we were before."

Lock and Shock speechlessly stared at Barrel. No one had addressed that matter.

"Aren't we already dead?" Lock wondered aloud.

"I think so," responded Shock. "Of course, there's no real evidence that we died, and it makes things awkward when you say that you 'live' here…."

"But you don't have to be dead to inhabit Halloween Town," pointed out Jack from inside his house. "There's Doctor Finkelstein, for instance."

"Oh, what are we talking about this for?" Lock asked. "Let's go on in."

And so they did, much to Jack's chagrin.

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Oh, Jack tried to hide his aforementioned chagrin. It was fairly easy at first. All he had to do was keep calm when giving the trick-or-treaters a guided tour of the castle.

"This is the kitchen," said Jack, gesturing towards it. "As you can see, it's the room where I keep the telephone. If you feel the need to call nine-one-one and do so, a representative will explain to you at length why we don't have a great need for a hospital. The kitchen's other function is to be the place where you eat. It is the only place where you eat, by the way."

Lock raised his hand. "Does eating include having candy?"

Jack pondered this for a moment. "Er…I guess not."

The trick was to keep some of the figurative treats in the rules, as children tended to be advocates of the stick-and-carrot routine. This worked when Jack said that the kids could play in the village, as long as they didn't steal anything or kill anyone. It also worked when Jack said that the three children could trick-or-treat when it wasn't Halloween, provided that they keep property damage to a minimum. Believe it or not, it even worked when Jack allowed Boogie's Boys to perform scientific experiments in the tower room, but only if nothing really dangerous or tasteless occurred.

The problem came when Jack realized that he had no real way to punish Lock, Shock, and Barrel for breaking the house rules. Moreover, those kids tended to intentionally cause as much harm as possible, so it was their self-sworn duty to skirk the rules in any way they could be skirked.

(Now that those explanatory paragraphs are done, some dialogue and events can occur.)

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Lock, Shock, and Barrel were exploring the castle's built-in library. (Normally, they would be destroying objects or placing prank calls to Henry Selick, but they were not in the mood.) Jack had gone out of the house to buy milk, so the children were free to read whatever books they so chose. Unfortunately, they could not reach the high shelves, and were unable to find the ladder. However, Boogie's Boys soon found a very amusing shelf of books that happened to be positioned at the perfect height.

"Hey, look over here!" shouted Shock. "Here's a bunch of books by this guy named L. Frank Baum."

Barrel and Lock rushed over from the opposite end of the room to where Shock was standing. Lock pulled out a book from the shelf and glanced at its title.

"The Wonderful Wizard of Oz," he read aloud. "I thought it was just a movie."

"So did I," said Barrel.

"Me too," commented Shock. "But apparently not."

One of the books' spines caught Shock's eye. She pulled it out of the shelf and read its title:

"A Kidnapped Santa Claus. Oh, wow! That sure sounds familiar."

"Say…that does seem famil'ar to me," Lock said. "What's the book about?"
Shock opened the book to one of the first few pages. "Well, it talks about where Sandy Claws lives an' stuff." Suddenly, Shock's eyes narrowed. She stared at the page.

"What's the matter?" asked Lock. (Barrel said nothing, because he was looking for other books on the shelf.)

"It says that Sandy Claws lives in some place called the Laughing Valley. But we know that he lives in Christmas Town. It gets the part that he lives in a castle right, though." Shock continued reading, and turned the page.

"Hey…this seems interesting," noted Shock. "Apparently, there's this cavern-mountain place where these Daemons of the Caves live."

By the time Shock had finished reading the book, both she and Lock were giggling.

"Sounds kinda like the movie's plot," Lock asserted.

"Yeah," agreed Shock. "Especially the Daemons. They're a lot like us and Oogie Boogie. An' Jack is kinda like the Daemon of Envy and the Daemon of Repentance."

"Guess what I found?" said Barrel. He was holding a small stack of books, all of which were by L. Frank Baum. Barrel set the books down, then sat on the floor.

He held up the book that was on top of the stack. "This one's The Patchwork Girl of Oz. Her name's Scraps, and she was created by some crazy sorcerer or something. Plus, according to this, she's independent and likes to sing and dance."

"That sounds like someone we know," said Lock.

Barrel held up the next book. "Here's The Road to Oz. I was flippin' through it, an' it says that there are these weird creatures called Scoodlers. They're things that have two faces—one on the front an' back o' their heads—that they can spin around, and they can take their heads off, too. They sound kinda like the Mayor, don't they?"

Lock and Shock nodded in agreement.

Barrel held up the third book in the stack. "Then there's Glinda of Oz. I haven't read any words in it yet, but guess what's in the front an' back?" He flipped to the front inside cover of the book, and pointed to the illustration. The other two trick-or-treaters focused their attentions on the picture.

"Why is the Patchwork Girl hugging that pumpkin-headed thing? And why are all those other freaky-lookin' people starin' at 'em?" inquired Shock.

"I dunno," said Barrel, shrugging. "But I've got another book here. It's called The Marvelous Land of Oz, and I didn't look at it yet." Barrel then opened the book to the front inside cover, and turned a few pages. Suddenly, a smile spread across his face.

"This is the second book in the series, and it's also the first book with that pumpkin guy we saw earlier. You'll never guess what his name is. It's 'Jack Pumpkinhead.'"

Lock and Shock began laughing.

"That's so weird," chuckled Lock.

"Yeah, I know," rejoined Barrel. "And now I know how to pester Jack when he gets home."

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As it turned out, Barrel's plan was to hang around Jack while describing the most cringe-worthy parts with Jack Pumpkinhead aloud. Of course, Barrel would simply refer to the Pumpkinhead as "Jack," which was intentionally both confusing and embarrassing. Not ones to pass up an opportunity for mischief, Lock and Shock decided to participate as well.

"Now Tip is sayin' to Jack: 'I think I'll lay you upon the ground overnight,'" said Lock, while Jack was painting his face.

"Now the Saw-Horse says that Jack is absurdly built and has a flimsy person—and earlier, he called 'im a coward," said Shock, while Jack was giving Zero a bath.

"Now Jack is askin' Tip if seeds could be considered in the light of brains," said Barrel, while Jack was playing the piano.

"Now the Woggle-Bug is talkin' about how he wants to eat Jack—an' Jack's in the same room, too," said Lock, while Jack was putting hypoallergenic studs in his eye sockets.

"Now Jack is resting his head against the Scarecrow's chest," said Shock, while Jack was flossing his teeth with barbed wire.

"Now the narrator says that Jack is too stupid to be educated," said Barrel, while Jack was thrusting his face into a bowl of acid-soaked Cheerios.

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Boogie's Boys' fun did not end with that. One morning, they woke up in their new room, and Lock touched on a certain subject.

"Y'know, it just occurred to me that we can talk however we want," he said.

"Whaddya mean?" asked Barrel.

"I mean, we should be able to swear. After all, the fanfictionists do it all the time—mentally, of course. And we have a right to do it. There's nothing stopping us."

"You're right," said Shock. "So, why don't we try it out? We'd only be exercising our rights."

"I'll go first," Lock told his comrades.

So, he made his way downstairs and into the kitchen, where Jack was making pancakes.

"Good morning, Lock. What would you like for breakfast?"

"Aw, Hell; Jack. I guess I'll have some Frosted Mini-Wheats."

"Go right back upstairs, mister!" shouted Jack.

"Why?"

"Don't question my authority. Just do it!"

"It didn't work," said Lock when he came back to the room he shared.

"I'll try it," replied Shock.

She came downstairs and reached the kitchen.

"Why; hello, Shock. What'd you like for breakfast?"
"I dunno, but you can be damn sure that I don't want Frosted Mini-Wheats."

This, too, upset Jack.

"Get back up there, missy! No questions, please."

"Lock was right," Shock told Barrel upon coming to the correct room.

"You're not doin' it right," asserted Barrel. "I've gotta do it."

Barrel performed the typical coming-down-the-stairs-and-going-into-the-kitchen routine.

"Hi there, Barrel. What do you want for breakfast?"

"That's easy. I want summa those totally b----in' pancakes you're makin'!"

Even though his cooking skills had been complimented, Jack did not appreciate Barrel's comment. In fact, he was so upset with this that he pulled Barrel's mask and suddenly released it, causing the mask to snap on Barrel's face.

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A week had passed, and the trick-or-treaters were back in their house in the trees.

"I can't believe Jack kicked us out of his house," grumbled Lock, popping a stolen Reese's Peanut Butter Cup into his mouth. He was standing on a table.

"Well, what did you expect to happen?" Shock contemptuously inquired. She sat upon a chair. "Didja think Jack would slap our wrists and bite our noses or something?"

"Uh, I got hurt," commented Barrel, who was sitting under the table and licking his fingers, which were sticky from holding partially-melted bubble gum.

"Shut up!" exclaimed Shock. "Like I care."

"An' we didn't even get to finish reading those books," Lock complained.

"Oh, I beg to differ," said Barrel. He stood up and produced a copy of The Marvelous Land of Oz.

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That, naturally, is where the chapter ends. My readers probably get the point.

NEXT TIME: Has anyone who's reading this ever read some of those Jack/Sally pseudo-lemons? If the answer is "yes," then the next chapter will be surprising. It breaks new ground in the quasi-utopian world of The Nightmare Before Christmas fluff.