Now That's Scary
Chapter 9: Unholy Matrimony
Or, It's Always Bad Luck at a Wedding
Disclaimer: Although I could have come up with the idea for The Nightmare Before Christmas, I didn't, so I don't own it.
Just so you know, the Piccolo in this chapter has nothing to do with the Piccolo character in Dragon Ball.
Jack Skellington stood on the stage in the Town Hall for the third time in this story. However, it was full of Halloweenlanders this time, not fanfictionists.
"Thank whatever gods I worship," Jack muttered under his breath. He then raised his voice to the normal volume and spoke to the crowd.
"Everyone, I have some very important news to tell you," he said. "I have been dating Sally for the better part of three months, and I think it's time I got married to her."
Almost everyone began chattering and talking at once. Some—namely, a group of females—were outraged.
"She's gonna give you problems!" yelled the Little Witch. "Marrying Sally is a bad idea!"
"Who are you, my mother?" Jack asked sarcastically.
The Little Witch closed her mouth.
"Don't marry Sally!" yelled the Big Witch. "I'm obviously being used as a vehicle for fangirlish writers who want to hypocritically think that at least they're not like me, but who cares?"
"I do," said Jack.
At this, the Big Witch stopped talking. The Underwater Gal opened her mouth, then closed it without saying a word.
"Wait!" cried Shock, who was sitting with Lock and Barrel in the back row. "I need to fill a female role, too. Why don't you marry me, even though we don't like each other?"
"Er…I won't dignify that with a response," Jack said. "Anyway, Sally and I will be wed on the thirtieth day of October, despite its obvious wrecking the Halloween plans. I hope everybody in Halloween Town can come. In fact, you're all required to attend."
Several attendees crossed their arms, scowled, and slumped down in their seats.
Jack pretended not to notice. "Formal dress is also mandatory. This is a black-tie event, if you will pardon a joke." He pointed to his bow tie.
Back at the Skellington home, Sally expressed her joy at the wedding prospects by berating her fiancée.
"But Sally, I thought you'd be happy," Jack said.
"I am happy," replied Sally, sitting at the opposite end of the kitchen table. "But this is going to interfere with the Halloween plans. You said so yourself."
"Wait a minute. You weren't there at the meeting, so how did you know I said that?"
"Harlequin told me. Anyway, there's another problem. Who's going to marry us?"
"What do you mean? We can find a minister."
"No, we can't. We're not Christians. This is Halloween Town."
"Oh, that's right. Okay, then…how about the Mayor?"
"Did someone mention me?" asked the Mayor, who came striding into the kitchen.
"Yes, but we don't care," said Jack. "We regret to inform you that you will inevitably mess up the wedding procedures, since you hardly have any fans."
"I don't know why," added Sally. "It's kind of sad, really."
The Mayor's face stayed in its happy form, although it bore a frown. "But…the person who's writing this story thinks I'm cool, for all the good that does me."
"Which isn't much," stated Jack. "Now, get out. Sally and I are trying to make plans that have very little to do with you."
"Oh," said the Mayor, his face spinning to reveal the depressed side. "Do you ever get the feeling that I bother you too often in fan fiction?"
"Not at all," Jack fibbed. "Go away."
The Mayor drew a heavy sigh, then left.
"Don't you think that's a bit harsh?" asked Sally. "I mean, he was only trying to help."
"The fanfictionist is saving most of the jokes she could've used for this scene for the eventual movie parody. Anyway, couldn't we find a justice of the peace?"
Sally rose from her chair. "Hey, that's right. We could."
"Well, then," said Jack, rising as well. "Let's go justice-finding!"
"Not yet," said Sally. "We have to tell Doctor Finklestein first."
"I don't mind at all," Dr. Finklestein said.
"WHAT?" gasped Sally, rising from the floor of the laboratory. "You're supposed to mind. Why aren't you upset?"
"That's a very simple thing to explain." Dr. Finklestein rolled his wheelchair to face Sally. "Jack is the Pumpkin King. You are, technically, my daughter. If you get married to Jack, you would become the Pumpkin Queen, which would give me a connection to royalty."
"Of course!" cried Jack, who was leaning against a wall.
"Also," continued Dr. Finklestein, "you were something of a nuisance, Sally. Not to be rude, but you were. If you left my house, I wouldn't have to worry about you putting deadly nightshade in my soup or anything like that. After all, if you didn't live in my house, that would ruin the whole point of sneaking out. Not to mention that people would no longer see me as a cruel man after merely observing the way I treat you."
"I see," said Sally.
"Furthermore, if you lived with Jack, I wouldn't have to look after you. Jack seems like a trustworthy sort of person, and I can't be bothered to constantly keep an eye on you, Sally."
"Thanks for the compliment," said Jack.
"You're welcome, my boy. Lastly, I created Sally as a companion. Now that I have my new creation, Margolotte, I don't need Sally anymore. I do wish I hadn't given her half of my brain, though. Now she has to do the scientific things."
"What's the matter with your brain?" asked Sally.
"Margolotte?" chimed in Jack.
Dr. Finklestein sighed. "I removed the left half of my brain when I made Margolotte. The left half is the part that calculates, analyzes, and deduces—in other words, the part that is essential for mathematics. The right half is the creative, artistic part."
"Oh," Sally said.
"Yes, and why did you name her Margolotte?"
"She was never officially named, so I don't see where that's any of your business," Dr. Finklestein retorted. "Now, good day."
"That was easy," said Sally, as she and Jack left the doctor's house.
"Now we can go looking for justices of the peace," commented Jack.
As it turned out, the only available justice of the peace was a short female phantom named Piccolo. She was extremely pale, had frizzy black hair, wore a tuberculose-gray suit, and could not pronounce more than one syllable of most words. Jack really should have considered the last point before he assigned Piccolo the role of substitute priest. He did not pay a great deal of attention, as evidenced by the fact that he did not laugh at Piccolo's hilarious mistakes. For instance, Jack's title was shortened to "Pump King," as if he was the best gas-station attendant the world had ever seen—although no one could realistically expect Jack to laugh at that.
The day of the wedding arrived, and all Halloweenlanders reluctantly put their Halloween plans on hold. Most of them felt it was unfair that everyone had to dress formally when several denizens didn't normally wear clothes, but they came nonetheless.
Because there were no other gathering places in Halloween Town, Jack and Sally had to be married at Town Hall. Oddly, they were the first ones to arrive, but did not get married immediately. This led to some confusion for Piccolo when she was on the stage.
"Shall I get you mare now?" asked Piccolo.
"No," said Jack, who wore a tuxedo that looked like his pinstripe suit without the stripes. A matching hat topped his skull. "I want to make sure everybody shows up first."
Piccolo walked over to Sally, who was dressed in an orange gown that was covered in spiderweb-like lace. "Sally, how you feel ab this?"
"You mean, how do I feel about Jack's plans for getting married? Well, I want lots of people to see us, but I wish he wouldn't make plans that affect so many people. I don't want to wait for such a long time."
"You think may Jack can?"
"What?"
"Can Jack wait for wed?"
Sally frowned. She walked over to Jack.
"Jack, Piccolo wants to know if you're able to wait to get married," Sally said, putting a hand on Jack's shoulder. "And you know what that means, don't you?"
Jack turned to face Sally. "Do you mean, am I stalling for time because I like you less than you like me?"
"Yes." Sally's frown deepened so that it was almost a scowl.
"No," Jack said nervously, breaking away from Sally. "Just be patient."
"I don't like waiting."
"Can I help you?" asked Piccolo.
"Round up some guests," said Jack. "And hurry."
"'Kay." She darted out the door.
A few minutes later, Piccolo returned to Town Hall, the entire population of Halloween Town behind her. She ran up to the stage.
"How did you get all those people to come?" asked Sally.
"Threats."
"Ah."
Meanwhile, the guests were not enjoying themselves.
"I told Jack not to get married," complained the Mayor, who wore his regular clothing and stood on the left side of Town Hall. "I told him it would ruin his afterlife. But did he listen? No."
"Of course," said the Wolfman. He had on a yellow tweed jacket and matching pants. "There isn't even a repulsive wedding cake or diluted punch."
Lock, Shock, and Barrel were the least happy of all. They commiserated in the back row.
"Jack made me come to this stupid wedding and I'm bored," griped Lock. He was wearing a red tuxedo and tap shoes of the same color. Unlike his fittingly devil-red costume, the tuxedo was covered with glitter, which kept getting into Lock's hair and/or making him sneeze. I hope no one mistakes me for a pixie, he thought.
"You're not alone," moaned Shock. She wore a floor-length dark purple evening gown in lieu of her usual dress, and had been required to doff her hat. Her face was dotted with gray and purple bruises from tripping on the skirt of the dress and falling. Although Shock appreciated any complements to her gruesomeness, she had commented that she would have preferred less painful ones. "Why do we have to come? It's not like we're going to pay attention, anyway."
"I didn't even know we owned these outfits," said Barrel, who was dressed in a black suit and tie. His usually bare feet were inside black tap shoes, which were not made to fit three-toed people and therefore made Barrel's feet very uncomfortable. "An' I don't like 'em."
"Me neither," said Lock and Shock.
"Hush, ev!" shouted Piccolo, who now stood at a podium. "Jack and Sally shall now be wed!"
Everyone quited down at that moment. Jack and Sally immediately took their places in front of the podium, ignoring the style of modern American wedding processions.
Piccolo opened her copy of The Book of Speeches for Formal, Informal, and Moderately Formal Occasions, turned to the formal section, and stopped on the page for wedding speeches. She began to read aloud.
"Dear belov, we are gath here on this day to wit the join of Skel Jack and Rag Doll Sally. In mare, of course. Case where indiv are lit joined are rare. Anyway, on to vows. Do you, Jack Skel—el—ellllliiiiing—ton, take this woman to be your lawf wed wife?"
"I, Skeleton Jack, king of the pumpkin patch, Jack of the lantern, liveliest of the dead, patriarch of pumpkins, master of fright, figurative demon of light, maestro du macabre, chief of the chichifaced, emperor of imps, object of many fangirls' lust, shriekin' deacon of freaks, dean of the dead, bony minister of black magic, pope of pixies, lord of the dance, luck of the Irish, freak of the week, off of the wall, will of the wisp, ace of the spades, His Halloween Highness, and one mean waltzer, do."
"And do you, Sally no last name, take this skel...e...ton to be your lawf wed hus...band?"
"I do, and I have nothing else to say."
"Do you two promise to care for each oth...er in sick and health, in not-comp-horr...i...ble times and in mind-sear bad, 'til death do you-oh, never mind?"
"Sure," said Sally.
"I guess," said Jack.
"Good. With the powers invest in me by the auth, I now pro you bone-man and wife."
"Isn't this the part where we're supposed to kiss each other?" Jack asked Sally.
"That's right." She wrapped her arms around Jack's rib cage and kissed him on the place where his lips would have been.
"Yuck," Shock said disgustedly, covering her eyes with her hands. "I'm glad I can't ever get married."
Lock was speechless. His eyes widened in horror, he turned even paler than he already was, and his mouth hung open, showing his sharp little teeth.
Barrel tried to ignore what was going on around him, so he looked at a girl next to him and took a mental inventory of her physical features, comparing them to his. The first thing he noticed was that she was a few feet taller than he was. Her skin was a peachy-pink color, unlike Barrel's ghastly cadet blue skin. She wore pants, a shirt, and a leather jacket, which were all black; this probably meant that she wanted to fit in at Halloween Town but thought herself above wearing a Halloween costume. Instead of extremely short green hair, the girl's hair was long and dark brown, which reminded Barrel of chocolate. Wait a minute-chocolate! thought Barrel.
He grinned nastily and licked his lips, then with his mouth open lunged toward the girl. She screamed as he dove at her, but before he could close his maw around the girl's hair, she caught him in her hands.
"Aw, man," groaned Barrel.
"You almost had her," said Lock, who had turned his attention to his friend. Meanwhile, the other Halloweenlanders were still watching Jack and Sally, who had started to dance to some sort of ghoulish Halloween-ball music.
Barrel then saw that the girl's eyes were red and puffy, and that her cheeks were stained with tears.
"What's the matter?" he asked.
"I heard that people cry at weddings," said Shock. "They're supposed to be happy or something. Why anyone would be happy at a wedding, I'll never know."
"These are tears of envy, you little brats!" yelled the girl. She threw Barrel down on the floor, paying no attention to the thud noise when his back slammed onto the ground. With that, she left the Town Hall.
"Envy?" asked Barrel, sitting up and scratching his head.
"It's another word for jealousy," said Lock.
"No, that's not what I meant. Why is she envious?"
"Because Sally got married to Jack instead of her, of course," said Shock. "I didn't think you'd need someone to explain that."
"I see," Lock said. "Hey, have you ever noticed that you're the one of us who usually points out the facts in fan fiction?"
"Yeah, I've noticed that, too," added Barrel. "It makes Lock and me seem kind of stupid. Since most fanfictionists are female, isn't that a bit like reverse sexism?"
"Shut up, you stupid boy," replied Shock.
THE END
...of this story, anyway.