Author's Note: Sorry for such a major lack of updates. I do have reasons but nothing good enough as an excuse to make up for it. I think I may actually have this story planned now. After changing it SOOOOOO much I think I finally know what I am going to do with it.

WARNING: This chapter contains VULGAR LANGUAGE and just plain horrible references. Please tell me if you think I should up the rating to "R"; I still don't understand how American ratings work.

Disclaimer: Yeah… still not mine… nothing changed… I didn't suddenly get rich and buy the whole Harry Potter community and it's characters from there owner: J K ROWLING. Though the plot is mine so… you have no permission to reprint it.

Reliving

Suddenly everything became light, and she began to become confused. Her mind was working fast, trying to come to conclusions, but she was finding it hard to remember anything.

The searing pain didn't help.

Trying to block it out, she figured she was at home still, after a particularly bad night. Remembering back to what had happened a couple nights before (((At least, what she thinks))) she understood why she was in so much pain. Suddenly, she felt a light touch on her hand and everything came flooding back to her. The beating, the rape, the murder, Draco…. Draco? How did I get … where the hell am I? Those Dungeons…Voldemort, wait….no. She sat bolt upright, which was a mistake in far too many ways. Two, which was still two too many. One: Someone was stood over her as she sat up, so she hit them on the head and immediately passed out again. Two: She had yet to recover from the pain of her torture so that sudden movement sent waves of excruciating pain through her body.

Feeling the pain slowly filtering back, she remembered exactly what happened straight away, and this time, refused to sit up. Or open her eyes. Or move a fraction to A: Give someone the impression she was awake and want to sympathize over her, and B: Make sure the pain didn't get any worse. It was hell enough without moving.

Apparently, however, she wasn't so discrete with trying to remain undetected as someone came over to her and started rambling on about something she couldn't quite make out, they then forced something down her throat, which she did honestly try her hardest to fight. It's just a bit hard when you wake up in her situation.

Feeling the sleep taking over her, she gave into it and fell into an uncomfortable, yet dreamless sleep.

Hermione woke up what seemed like hours later as it seemed much darker even though she didn't have her eyes open. The pain was still evident, but she felt very rested, even though her head was currently swarming with sadistic thoughts.

He raped me, he put me through hell, and then he killed her. The only family member who I ever loved, he killed. The wanker, I wish he could have paid, but no, the coward went and shot himself!!! Draco… what was up with him anyway? The way he looked at me, the way he protected me… he took me to the hospital wing at Hogwarts… so then how did I get to those dungeons? Was it all a set up? Did Malfoy come to kidnap me, not warn me? Was I in Malfoy Mansion? No.. Voldemort… Voldemort's Head Quarters? Maybe Malfoy Mansion is Voldemort's Head Quarters? And that deceitful son of a bitch Malfoy went and became a traitor! Why did I ever trust him? When did I trust him? Just because he was nice for a fraction of a day does not mean he is to be trusted. He is quite good at putting on an act; I bet he's Voldemort's little pawn, but just acts the snobby self-righteous Slytherin to fool Dumbledore. That's right, it's just an act.

Just like yourself.

How was she supposed to keep up this façade, when she was so sure that everyone around her knew the truth? Could she keep it up emotionally, even though everyone knew?

The more she thought, the more the tears came. She couldn't just lie there, welling it up; she had to do something, even if it would take away the pain for just a second. The literal pain was helping, but not enough.

Thinking fast, she decided to do what she always did to block out the pain, to make herself forget. Read.

How the hell am I supposed to get a book? I don't even know where the hell I am!

Opening her eyes, she looked around. She was at Hogwarts in the hospital wing. It must have been the dead of night, as she could not see any nurses or teachers bustling around trying to make their patients stay in bed. Well… one in particular.

Sitting up, she tried her hardest to get out of bed, but as she stood up, her legs faltered and she fell to the floor.

Trying her hardest not to scream out in pain, she knelt on the floor, letting the tears flow freely. It felt wrong to cry. She felt weak, and pathetic, and would not let herself stand for such trivial ideas.

She got up, and carefully, quietly and rather slowly, walked out of the hospital wing.

Walking down the corridor, she felt scared and alone. It had been Hogwarts in which she was kidnapped, taken to Voldemort and used for things she didn't know about. How was that fair? They do Merlin knows what to her and don't even have the decency to let her remember? For all she knew she could have been raped, again, and again and again until she bled and then….

"Miss Granger?"

She turned around to meet Dumbledore. Strangely, not feeling any panic at all about being out of bed after hours, she replied confidently…

"Professor…." As if to will him to ask the question.

"As much as I am so happy to see you awake, what are you doing out of bed, wandering the corridors in the wee hours of the morning?"

"I was going to the library, of course. I'm sure I have missed a lot and…"

"…Miss Granger!" he cut her off. "There is no use in lying to me. Now tell me, what are you doing out of bed?"

"I wanted to get a book from the library." Not including the part about missing work. It seemed pointless to include that, seeing how term hadn't started. Shame she didn't realise that earlier, but obviously Dumbledore did.

He nodded and replied curtly… "Ok. But I will forbid you to walk any closer to the library and must insist you go back to bed."

"But, professor… I –"

"Miss Granger, I shall assist you back to your bed. You need your rest, and I am positive Madam Pomphrey is extremely worried about where you have disappeared to this time."

Hermione let out a groan of disapproval, but she wasn't about to argue. She'd done, seen, too much of that.

Hermione led the way back to the infirmary, her conscience telling her to ask the question, but her mind fighting away any urges to do so. She wanted to ask it, she wanted to know… but she wasn't sure she wanted to know the answer.

As she turned into the hospital wing, Pomphrey came bustling over to her with a look of pity, relief and anger spread across her face. She didn't say anything, but looked relieved that Hermione had come back. Hermione realised that she must have thought something had happened again. Last time Hermione went missing, she ended up in front of Voldemort, and then passed out from the pain the death eaters caused upon her.

"Sorry… I just wanted to go to the library, but…" said Hermione, but cut herself off.

"That's Ok dear, just tell me next time… but preferably stay in bed!"

She pointed Hermione back to bed, and Hermione went.

Catching Dumbledore before he walked out the infirmary –

"Professor?"

Dumbledore turned around and looked at Hermione with the usual twinkle in his eyes, yet this time there was curiosity too. "Yes?"

Hermione thought carefully about whether she really wanted to ask this question, but he knew, Pomphrey new, so why not?

"What happened?"

Dumbledore's expression turned from one of curiosity, to one of sorrow. "I was going to ask you the same question."

"Oh…" she looked down.

"I think you need to get some rest, I'm sure you will have a lot of visitors—"

"What!? Professor, please don't let anybody come and see me!" She wasn't sure why, but she wasn't ready to be confronted by anybody, especially Ron, Harry or Ginny.

"And why is that Miss Granger? Everybody is extremely worried about you."

She liked this man less and less! First he cut off her journey to the library, which she was rather enjoying, might I add, and now he wants to know why she doesn't want to see anybody. Why couldn't he just accept that fact? Why did there always have to be a reason?

"I… I, I just don't think I'm ready to see them." She said, her voice breaking. She looked down to her hands, which were placed gently on top of the bed spread, her vision becoming cloudy as tears started to show themselves.

"Very well, but I can't say I can keep away your two friends. I must say they always have had a certain disregard for the rules." And with that, he left, leaving a very sullen Hermione.

The truth was, she was finding it harder and harder to trust anybody. She had trusted her mother with her life…. But her life had been even more of a lie than she had thought. Her mother did know about her being abused, and she just lay there, watching as her father raped her. How could she trust someone that had lied to her, her entire life? And lied about something so big! If she could put so much trust into one person, and then find it out the truth, how could you possible trust anybody you thought you could? And then there was Draco. She had put so much trust, so much faith in him. She didn't even know why, it just felt right, but he had turned out to be the same traitor that her mother had been.

She couldn't bare to have to feel that pain again. She couldn't have her heart ripped to even more shreds. She wasn't sure she could take any more heartache.

Not yet, at least.

Hours passed before she awoke again. She had been given another dreamless sleep potion, meaning that she felt extremely refreshed and unhaunted. (((You know how much I love new words))) However, not being able to deal with everything in her dreams meant she had to do it when she was awake. Not that she was ungrateful for those many hours of a free spirited mind, but time went so much slower when she was awake. Therefore, she seemed to have more time to dwell on everything, which meant she was shutting away more and more.

She had come to the conclusion that she was an orphan, which wasn't exactly difficult to come to, since it was the truth. She had no family left, at all. That hurt the most. It wasn't the fact that she had been tortured by Voldemort's little servants and used as a play toy. Having no family, and an abusive background leaves scars deeper than that. Her whole life had been haunted by her father. She hated to admit it, but he hated her. He never loved her. As much as she wanted him to, she was never good enough for him. Even before she went to Hogwarts, she wasn't accepted, but then she became a freak. His freak, and that's why it messed him up so much, because he was her daughter, part of her was him, she was a part of him and vice versa. He couldn't accept that he could produce something so… wrong.

Throughout her life, there was no one she loved more than her mother. There never is, with anyone. You may find love with someone else, and you love your family more than anything, but no one matters more than your mother. And now she was gone. Dead at the hands of the person who had made her life a living hell. Made her lie to her best friends, made her act like someone she wasn't, just to hide his sadistic activities. It was all her fault. He had aimed at Hermione, he had wanted her dead. As much as she hated to admit this too, he loved her mother more than anything in the world. And he wanted Hermione dead because her mother knew the truth. It was all her fault, if her mother hadn't stepped in the way to protect her, her life would be less of a shit hole, the pain would be gone, and her mother would still be alive. Was she jealous? Jealous of the fact her father loved her mother, but never gave her the love she deserved? Or did she hate him for it? Hate him for never being the father she needed? The father she needed to tell her that she wasn't the ugly freak everyone at school called her? The person she needed to hold her at night, and make her feel safe? The manly figure in her life that would tell her all about the real world, and play with her after school? Did she hate him for never being there for her?

But more importantly, did she hate him for hating her so much? Was she so imperfect, that he had to treat her the way he had? What was so wrong with her? She was just a defenceless little kid who knew no better! Why did he have to take away the preciousness of childhood and taint her innocence? Destroy it even, for that was what he had done. She wasn't innocent any longer, and all at the hands of her father! Her father! He had raped her, and thought nothing of it! He even thought it was funny!

At this point, she cut herself off. She couldn't bare to think of it any longer, there weren't possibly enough tears to shed.

Hermione was still in the hospital wing, but now she was sat up hugging her knees and crying hysterically into her arms. She wanted the pain gone. Her whole life she had dealt with it. She was stronger because of his actions, as she had to get over it to move on, and so she had. She was stronger, he made her stronger. But she wasn't strong enough to take this! Not once had she been abused, raped, told the heart breaking truth and made an orphan in the mere vicinity of less than 12hours!!! She just wanted it to end, the pain to end.

"The fights, those nights
I tried to pretend it don't hurt
The way, I prayed
Someday that you would love me
Really, completely
Just how I wanted it to be

For every last bruise you gave me
For every time I sat in tears
For the million ways you hurt me
I just want to tell you this
You broke my world, made me strong
Thank you
Messed up my dreams, made me strong
Thank you

My head, near dead
Just the way you wanted it
My soul, stone cold
Cause I was under you're control
So young, so dumb
Knew just how to make me succumb
But I understand
To make yourself feel like a man

You hit, you spit, you split, every bit of me, yeah
You stole, you broke, you're cold
You're such a joke to me.

For every last bruise you gave me
For every time I sat in tears
For the million ways you hurt me
I just want to tell you this
You broke my world, made me strong
Thank you
Messed up my dreams, made me strong
Thank you"

Madam Pomfrey had been watching her for the past 30 minutes. Hermione was completely oblivious to this. Straightening herself out, and trying to wipe away her tears, she tried to turn away. But the tears came anew, and she let them fall freely. She couldn't take this. She needed it as much as Hermione did! But she couldn't possibly fall asleep! Picking up one bottle of dreamless sleep, and wiping away her tears, trying to stay strong for the few minutes she had too, she walked over and gave Hermione the potion. Hermione took it without even looking at the vial's description, downed it, and then layback on her bed. Not once did she look at Madam Pomphrey, for which the nurse was grateful.

Taking a step backwards, Pomfrey watched as Hermione fell into a dreamless sleep and breathed a sigh of relief as she saw the pain slowly fade from the girls face.

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