Spike continued to stare at his green-eyed girl in wonder. Can't? Die?
"Buffy, what are you--"
"Oh, I'm not, like, you know, a vampire or anything," she assured him. "No, not that. Um, I kind of got a pardon of sorts. From the council. And then from the Powers."
He wasn't following.
"It... it all makes perfect sense now," she said as her smile broadened. Her hand fluttered to her mouth as she continued in a daze. "Oh, God. I thought they'd cursed me. But... they knew. Those sneaky, glowy little fuc--"
"Knew what, Pet?" Spike interrupted, still not sure what she was telling them.
"Those sneaky Powers," she sighed, still locked within her own revelations. He reached out and softly turned her chin so that he could see her eyes. She looked up at him and immediately looked ashamed.
"Buffy, love... you're scaring me. What aren't you telling me?"
She took in a fortifying breath. This was going to be hard. Really, really hard. And she knew that it would break his heart.
"Do you..." She felt the tears stinging the backs of her eyelids. She blinked them back hard and then tried again. "Do you remember the movie Groundhog Day?"
She wanted to play movie quiz? He never did quite understand all facets of his girl.
"Pet--"
"You know you remember it. Dawn made you watch it with us one night when it was on TBS. You kept making... shirty little comments about how ridiculous it was for that man to keep reliving the same day over and over," she reminded him.
"You never did learn how to use that word... shirty," he grinned. He remembered the movie. Later that night, he'd confessed how he could relate to Phil Connors because every night... His face grew somber. "Every night I saved you. Tried to do something different. More clever. Quicker..."
"Right."
"Pet, please tell me where you're going with this because I'm beginning to think it's back 'round the twist... and that worries me." He couldn't hide the frantic tone in his voice.
"No, no." She met his eyes and he could see the spark of life in her stronger than ever. There was none of that walking catatonia that he'd seen too many times with Dru. Buffy was there. And she was taking back her life at lightning speed.
"The movie... remember how after awhile, it just became too much for him?" she asked. He didn't look like he was following. "Remember? He started trying to kill himself. Toaster in the bathtub?" Now he remembered. Slowly she pushed the sleeve of her sweatshirt up and turned her wrists so that he could see them. There was a smattering of spidery, white scars covering the skin of her small bones.
He gently took her wrists into his cool hands and inspected them. She couldn't bear to look as his eyes filled with tears, big and glassy... unable to look away from the proof that she'd tried to end it all. Over and over again.
"Buffy," he whispered, as his eyes spilled over. Cold tears streamed down his cheeks in guilt and attrition for the pain his omission had caused her. He never knew he'd had this kind of power over her. He always thought that it was she who had the power over him. "What have I done to you?" His eyes shot up to meet hers again.
"Shh, baby," she soothed. His hands stayed on her wrists even as she moved to stroke his cheek. "I'm here. That's the point that I'm trying to make. I kept trying to end it all. God, all different ways... but I'd wake up and I'd still be here. Still be breathing and the wounds would be closed. And I couldn't figure it out. The scars would remain. Maybe to remind me that no matter how I tried, I wasn't going to leave this world."
He was shaking. She could feel him dragging in ragged, unneccessary breaths. He was practically gulping for air.
"And I demanded to see them. I had slit my wrists for probably the hundredth time and then just started yelling at them to show themselves. Told them they were cowards and that they were the real first evil. I thought I'd fallen asleep," she whispered. "And suddenly I was in this very dark place. Pitch black... except for a spotlight on me. It was blinding me. I remember squinting, my hand shading my eyes... and then there was this sound, like the soft hiss a balloon makes when you let the air out of it."
Spike was trying to follow without interrupting her, but his mind was still trying to wrap around the many times she'd wanted to die because of him.
"I started yelling at them again. They stole you from me. They took away my heart. My soul. My reason to be. They let me scream until I had no voice left. And then they whispered so I'd have to strain to hear."