Scars and Bonds, a m*a*s*h fanfic

Scars & Bonds

Silently closing his office door, Dr. John McIntyre, Trapper John to his friends, lit a cigar and slid into the big chair behind his desk. It had been a grueling day, four surgeries lasting sixteen hours. He had started at 5:00 am and the clock on his desk now read 8:30 pm. He needed a drink, a nap, and a nurse, though not necessarily in that order. He had to pass on the drink though. His ulcer, which had been giving him trouble for the first time since he got home from Korea fifteen years ago, was advising against any alcohol for the time being.

As he closed his eyes, he thought of the gang from the 4077th, as he often did after a rough day of surgery. Grueling as these days may be, they didn't hold a candle to the marathon sessions that he was a part of during the war. He kept thinking that he should try to look up some of the old gang, but he had not seen any of them since his departure. Though he had not seen any of them, he had thought of them a lot, even Frank Burns.

Coming home had not been as thrilling as he originally thought it would be. Though he was stationed just a few miles from his home at Fort Devens until the war ended, he rarely saw his family. Though he had tried to save his marriage, for the kids' sake if nothing else, Louise was unmoved and they were divorced soon after he got home. He spent his remaining time at Fort Devens much as he spent his time in Korea, drinking and chasing nurses. Then his ulcer kicked in again and he had to settle down, at least as far as drinking was concerned. The nurses remained and if that killed him, well, what better way to go?

After he was discharged, he wanted to be as far from Boston as possible, but stayed around so he could be near the girls. He managed to maintain a good relationship with Kathy and Becky, but eventually Louise had remarried a school teacher and they moved the family to Florida, so at least by their departure, Trapper was able to be miserable in familiar surroundings.

Oddly enough, he felt like his best years had been spent in Korea, where he was farthest from his family and in the most danger. He sometimes found himself reminiscing about those times. The whole time he was there, he wanted to go home. Now that he was home, we wished he'd never left. At least while he was there, he had a family.

He thought of them, Hawkeye, Henry, Radar, Klinger, Father Mulcahy, Hot Lips, even Frank. They were the only family he really had now, and it had been fifteen years since he's seen them. He drifted off to exhausted sleep.

"Dr. McIntyre? Dr. McIntyre?"

Trapper awoke with a start and looked up, confused, at the pretty nurse, who was smiling and holding a cup of coffee for him.

"What time is it, Nancy?" he asked.

"Eight A.M., Doctor. I wondered where you were last night. Must have been a busy day yesterday," she smiled.

Trapper smiled weakly, "Yeah, I guess so. That's the longest I've slept in months. I'll make it up to you later, okay?"

"You're the doctor," she smiled. "By the way, there's someone out here who wants to see you. Shall I show him in?"

Trapper nodded as he drank his coffee. A tall, skinny man walked into his office. His brown hair was graying at the temples and a smile came to his face as he saw Trapper. He extended his hand and said, "Finally, after all these years, I get to meet the famous Trapper John McIntyre."

Trapper shook his hand. "Nice to meet you, Mr.....Mr....."

The man smiled, "I'm sorry. Obviously you don't know me. I'm a doctor too, actually. My name is B. J. Hunnicutt. We have a mutual friend."

"Okay," Trapper said, puzzled. "Who might that be? I don't have many friends these days, so it shouldn't take long to figure out."

"Does the name Hawkeye Pierce ring a bell?"

Trapper stood up. "You know Hawkeye?"

B. J. nodded, "I was your replacement in Korea way back when."

"No kidding? I always wondered about what happened after I left the good ol' 4077th. Can I interest you in some breakfast?"

B. J. said, "Sure. Is the food good here?"

Trapper chuckled, "It'll make you long for the mess tent." As they left Trapper's office, he remarked, "You know, I haven't seen or talked to Hawkeye since before I left."

B. J. stopped walking, "You mean you haven't seen him?"

Trapper shook his head, "I haven't seen or talked to any of them since I left Korea." He noticed B. J.'s worried expression and asked, "What's going on, Hunnicutt? Talk to me."

"Just before the war ended, Hawkeye had a nervous breakdown," B. J. told Trapper as they devoured their flavorless scrambled eggs and bacon. "It was really touch and go with him for a while, but he eventually came out of it and came back a couple of weeks before the war ended."

Trapper shook his head, "I can't believe it. I never would have thought Hawk would crack under the strain. After all the stressful times we went through, I never would have thought it would be him. Frank Burns, maybe, but not Hawk."

B. J. nodded, "You're right. We were all shocked. Hawkeye was our rock. Whatever else happened, we knew that Hawkeye would be there, towering above it all."

Trapper stared down at his plate, "All these years, I've thought that I should have tried to get in touch with him. We're not two hours away from each other. I should have tried....."

"Trapper, you didn't know. That was a part of your, and our lives that we don't like to revisit. It just dredges up old, bad memories sometimes."

"Maybe so," Trapper looked up, "but what if your post war memories are as bad or worse? Before I went to Korea, I had a wife and family. I came home to nothing. I basically work, chase nurses, and drink until I go to sleep at night. In Korea, I did the same thing, but it wasn't nearly as painful as I thought it was at the time. Tell me, B. J., has your life changed since Korea?"

B. J. shook his head. "It was hard at first. I came home to my wife and a young daughter that I barely knew, but we managed. I would have to say that, my life now is pretty much like it was before I went to Korea."

"Well then, you're one of the lucky ones. Be thankful," Trapper said as he threw his napkin over his breakfast plate.

B. J. smiled, but his mind was a thousand miles away, and he was wishing that it had actually been as easy as he said. For six months after he came home, he would wake up at night, wailing and moaning. He kept dreaming that Korean soldiers would break down the door to his house and take Peg and Erin away from him. He had the same dream many times while he was in Korea. He knew it was because he associated his going to Korea with taking him from his family, but that didn't mean he could make the dream stop. Finally he had been able to get in touch with Sidney Friedman and together they were able to make the dream stop, but it had taken some time. Like Trapper, he had not made an effort to get in touch with any of them after the war. Just seeing them would have reminded him of what he had missed so desperately during that time and he just was not ready to face it at that time. Days grew to weeks, then to months, then to years, but he never forgot them and what they represented to him, so he never tried to reach any of them.

"B. J.?" Trapper said, "Pardon my asking, but why exactly are you here? This can't be a social call, can it?"

B. J. shook his head, "It's about Hawkeye. His dad called me several days ago and told me that Hawkeye was having problems again."

Trapper asked, "What kind of problems? Is he sick?"

B. J. replied, "Psychiatric problems. He stopped performing surgery, practicing medicine, won't get out of bed. Hawk's dad is beside himself."

Trapper nodded. He figured Hawkeye's father was in his late 70's by now and Hawkeye was the only member of his family left. There was no doubt he was concerned, "Wonder why now, after all these years?"

"I don't know," said B. J. "Maybe something happened to trigger it."

Trapper thought as he finished his coffee, trying to figure out what could have triggered it again. Though Hawkeye had his moments when they were in Korea, such the long stretch where he didn't sleep and tried to ship a latrine to North Korea, he was never far from earth. From what Hunnicutt was telling him, things must have changed a lot for Hawkeye over the last few months he was in Korea after Trapper left.

"Have you talked to anyone else?" Trapper asked. "Has anyone else been having problems of any kind? Do they know about Hawk?"

B. J. shook his head, "I've just talked to one person, but I do know where the rest of them are. Radar is in St. Louis. He's a deejay for a radio station. Father Mulcahy works with deaf children over in New Jersey. Frank Burns teaches medicine at Northwestern University." B. J. smiled as Trapper winced. "Colonel Potter, who replaced your Colonel Blake, passed away a couple of years ago. Max Klinger is in Toledo with his wife and four kids. I spent the night with his family earlier this week. I told him I was coming to New England for a medical conference."

Trapper ran down a mental list of his fellow draftees and noticed, "Wait, what about Major Houlihan? What about her?"

B. J. pointed behind Trapper, who turned to see Margaret Houlihan walking in his direction. "She's the one I talked to," B. J. said.

B. J. and Trapper stood as Margaret approached their table. She smiled and hugged B. J. "You haven't changed a bit, B. J. You look just like you did when we left Korea," she smiled. Then she looked at Trapper.

Trapper smiled at Margaret, "How are you, Major?"

She stiffened. "Fine, McIntyre," she replied coldly. "Nice to see you again."

Trapper was taken aback by her response, or lack of. She sat down between them and asked B. J. "Did you tell him?"

B. J. nodded. "Would you like some coffee, Margaret?"

Margaret said yes and B. J. got up to fetch it for her, leaving Trapper and Margaret in an awkward silence.

Margaret looked much as she did when they had last known each other. Only her hair had changed as streaks of gray mixed with the blonde. Trapper wasn't sure why she was giving him the cold shoulder. After all, she was far from cold the last time they had seen each other. He had expected a little warmer welcome.

"So, Margaret?" he began. "What are you doing for yourself these days?"

"I work in Chicago, I'm over the surgical nursing staff at Chicago General Hospital," she replied, never looking at him.

"Not a bad position to be in, if I say so myself," Trapper winked at her.

Margaret said nothing, just glared at him.

Trapper leaned over the table toward her. "Okay, so what the hell is going on here? What's with the cold shoulder? You sure weren't this way the last time I saw you," he whispered.

"I think you know what the hell is going on here," she hissed. "I let my guard down in a weak moment and trusted you and then I found out that I was just another of 'Trapper's Conquests', just like all the others. I can barely stand to sit at this table with you."

"Hold on, now," Trapper began. "I don't know what you're talking...."

Margaret leaned toward him and whispered loudly, "I found the letter, you pig. The letter you wrote to Hawkeye. 'Mount Everest has been conquered', you wrote. 'Wear a helmet'. I trusted you, you son of a....."

"I brought some cream and sugar for your coffee, Margaret," B. J. said. "I couldn't remember what you liked in it."

Margaret straightened up in her chair abruptly and said, "Thank you, that's fine. Thanks."

B. J. looked at Trapper. He had a stunned expression and Margaret's face was as red as a beet. "Did I interrupt something between you two? I can leave you...."

"That won't be necessary," said Margaret, glaring at Trapper. "It's all over with now."

It was a long drive, about four hours, from Boston to Crabapple Cove, made even longer by the obvious animosity between Margaret and Trapper, which also made B. J. want to drive on the outside of the car, or under it. "So, did you guys catch up?" B. J. asked sarcastically, trying to break the ice.

He was greeted by stony silence. Trapper sat in the back seat, his heart in his throat. He had completely forgotten about the letter he had left for Hawkeye when he returned to the states. He had also forgotten about the paragraph devoted to Margaret. At the time things were happening, he assumed that both of them would have their fun and when it was over, act like it never happened and go their separate ways. That was why he had mentioned it so casually to Hawkeye. At the time, he thought it was just a Supply Room rendezvous, nothing more. But he had thought about her after he got home. He had just figured it was because Louise had put him out in the street and he was lonesome, but even after he managed to get over that, he still thought about her, wondered where she was. He figured that now he could wonder until doomsday about her. She wasn't talking, at least to him. He sighed and slumped down in the seat, closing his eyes.

Margaret stared out of the passenger window. She was absolutely livid with Trapper even now. It was never the same with her and Frank Burns after Trapper left. After some time, she had moved on with her life, got married and divorced to Donald Penobscot, left the army, and was now in a prominent position in a major hospital. She had not thought about John McIntyre in years, until B. J. called her about Hawkeye. He had told her about Hawkeye's current condition and he thought it might be a good idea if some of Hawkeye's closest friends, the two of them and Trapper, paid him a visit. She was pretty sure that Hawkeye had told B. J. about their one night under duress behind enemy lines shortly before the war was over, but she knew that neither Hawkeye nor B. J. knew anything about what she and Trapper had done. At first, she was not going to go, but if there was a chance that she could help Hawkeye, she was willing to do it. However, she was going to let Trapper John McIntyre know exactly how she felt, and she had.

Now, as she stole a glance at him as he slumped against the back door of the car with his head resting on the window, she realized that things had not been as good for him after the war as they had been for her. He was still tall and slim and looked pretty much the same, but his hair was completely gray now and his face was lined with years of hard living. When she had known him in Korea, he had a child-like, mischievous streak and a sly grin that, though he may have infuriated her at times, she still could not help but laugh to herself at him. That happy-go-lucky part of him was gone, though he still tried to appear that way. She would talk to him again, but not right now.

After a couple of hours, they stopped at a roadside diner to stretch their legs. "Anybody want coffee?" Hunnicutt asked.

Trapper shook his head. Margaret nodded, "Cream, no sugar, please."

B. J. stepped out of the car, hoping it would be in one piece when he got back.

"Margaret?"

She turned and saw Trapper in the back seat, "What do you want?'

"Look," he began. "I'm sorry. I thought it was just two ships passing in the night, going in different directions, you know? I never dreamed that you might have had feelings...."

She glared at him, "I might have had feelings? You're insane. Why would I have ever had feelings for you? It was just that....I was angry about...."

Trapper shook his head, "You mean you've been carrying this anger around for fifteen years, in spite of everything that's happened to you since then, and you say there are no feelings there? I don't think so, Major. I was born at night, but not last night."

"But the things you said about me in that letter...."

"C'mon, Margaret. Hawkeye and I said worse than that to your face a hundred times. That's not what's eating you. It was more than a passing thing, wasn't it? Tell me the truth."

Margaret shook her head, tears welling in her eyes, "I trusted you."

"I know you did. I remember what we talked about and I never told anyone about what we talked about. You remember we did talk a little bit, right?"

Margaret nodded. "I remember."

"Listen," Trapper said, leaning forward. "At the time I thought it was just a passing thing. We were two people who were both having a rough go of it and were there for each other. I gotta admit, though, that you have crossed my mind a few times since I got home and I'll bet it's been the same for you. Am I right?"

The sound of B. J. opening the car door startled both of them and Margaret turned back around to face the front windshield. B. J. looked in cautiously and then handed Margaret her coffee. "You guys didn't want to stretch your legs?"

Margaret replied, "No thank you. I'm fine right now."

Trapper shook his head, "Nah, that's okay, B. J., I pulled sixteen hours of surgery yesterday, so I've been on my feet long enough."

B. J. smiled, "I understand completely, Doctor. Sometimes I've thought my feet were nailed to the floor after a long day of surgery." He smiled and, looking down at his size 13's, shook his head. "Hawkeye wouldn't have let that remark pass without a wisecrack of some kind."

Trapper looked at Margaret and chuckled, "No. The Hawkeye I remember didn't let any remarks pass without a wisecrack of some kind."

Margaret turned to look at Trapper and agreed with a frown, "...or a perverted invitation of some kind, especially where I was concerned."

"You make that sound like a bad thing," Trapper winked at Margaret, who raised her left eyebrow, the one B. J. couldn't see from his vantage point, at Trapper in a warning. Trapper laughed out loud, for the first time in a long time.

The drive continued in silence, until Margaret asked, "B. J.? What about Charles? Have you talked to him about any of this?"

B. J. shook his head, "I visited Charles before I saw Trapper. Charles is, as you know, Head of Thoracic Surgery at Boston Mercy. He was his usual pompous self, sorrowful for 'Pierce's dilemma', as he put it, but not sorrowful enough to take time out from his schedule to join us."

"Charles?" Trapper asked incredulously. "Charles Winchester? You two know him?"

Margaret turned around, "Yes, he replaced Frank a few months before the war ended."

B. J. nodded, "I wondered if you two knew each other, working in the same town, albeit in different hospitals."

Trapper laughed, "Yeah, I know Chuckles. Everyone knows Winchester. He's quite a surgeon, according to everything I've heard him say. We've had our share of discussions and disagreements. Did you say he replaced Frank? I need to be filled in on some things, I guess."

"Maybe later," B. J. promised. "We're here," he said as Trapper looked and saw the sign for Crabapple Cove.

It didn't take them long to locate Mr. Pierce's home, a big white two-story with green shutters on the windows and a huge front porch, where Mr. Pierce was sitting when B. J. pulled into the driveway.

Mr. Pierce walked out to greet them, his stride belying the fact that he was in his late seventies. He was a tall, lanky man with a full head of white hair. Trapper imagined that Hawkeye would look like his father when he reached that age.

"Mr. Pierce?" B. J. asked as they stepped out of the car.

Mr. Pierce nodded, "You must be B. J. Hunnicutt." he said, shaking B. J.'s hand. "I'm glad to see you made it."

B. J. introduced Trapper and Margaret to Mr. Pierce. He smiled and said, "It's nice to finally meet all of you. Hawkeye has always spoken so well of all of you."

"How's he doing, Mr. Pierce?" B. J. asked.

Mr. Pierce shook his head, "I just don't know. I've never dealt with anything like this. He won't sleep or eat. He just sits in his room and stares out the window. Dr. Friedman's in there with him right now."

"Sidney Friedman?" Trapper asked.

Mr. Pierce nodded, "He got here earlier this morning. He's been in there with him for a couple of hours."

When Sidney Friedman arrived at the Pierce house, he wasn't sure what to expect. B. J. had telephoned him a week ago about Hawkeye's condition. Sidney had always feared that Hawkeye might snap again. He was too tightly bound, too intense, too passionate about what he did. When he saw Hawkeye, he knew that it was true.

Hawkeye looked older than his father. His hair was white and his face covered with wrinkles. When Sidney walked into his room, Hawkeye looked at him with hollow, sleepless eyes and said, "Well, it sure took you long enough."

Sidney replied, "I came as fast as I could. California is a long way from Crabapple Cove."

Hawkeye smiled, "I've been to California. The last time, I stayed overnight with a stewardess in Sacramento. I ended up staying three nights and never unpacked."

"Spare me the details, okay?" Sidney grimaced. "I understand you've had a few problems here lately."

"Such as...?" Hawkeye asked.

"Such as the fact that you've stopped doing the things you love most, practicing medicine, seeing patients, doing surgery. That's quite a change for you, isn't it?"

"Oh, that," Hawkeye shrugged indifferently. "I guess I hit the wall, Sidney. When you've had enough, you've had enough."

"Is that right?"

"Yeah, that's right," Hawkeye said grimly, looking at the window. "I've had enough."

"When did this come about? When did you get 'enough'?"

Hawkeye continued to look out the window at the woods behind the house, ignoring Sidney.

Mr. Pierce looked toward the house sighed, "They may be in there a while, so I guess we might as well get comfortable. Come on up and sit on the porch."

The trio followed him to the porch. B. J. and Trapper sat down, while Margaret paced. "I just don't feel like sitting right now," she said. "I've been sitting all day and the day before that. It's such a nice cool autumn day, I think I'll stretch my legs."

"Go ahead," said Mr. Pierce. "All the roads in town lead back to here. All three of 'em."

Margaret smiled and walked away. She had a lot of thinking to do.

Trapper had been right. There was more to it than she had been letting on. She did have feeling for Trapper, even now, fifteen years later. Her anger at him for writing Hawkeye that letter had been such that she couldn't even think about him for years without barely restrained rage. Then, Donald Penobscot had taken his place as the target of her anger for many years, until she heard he had been killed in the early stages of the war in Vietnam. By then, she was established in Chicago and had new friends and colleagues. She had even dated from time to time, but there was nothing that developed into a serious relationship.

Things had been running smoothly in her life until she got a call from B. J. Hunnicutt that brought her past crashing back into her present. According to B. J., Hawkeye was having problems again. She remembered how worried she had been near the end of the war when Hawkeye had suffered his breakdown. He was the strongest of all of them, the one that they most leaned on for support, the one who usually blew things off with a wisecrack or a leer, and it was alarming to see him break under the strain. She knew that part of her loved Hawkeye, even though it seemed obvious to her that they would only love each other if they didn't have to be around each other. Despite their attraction, they were hardly compatible together, personality-wise. That became obvious in the years they were together at the 4077th. Still, those were adverse conditions to live under.

There laid her dilemma after all: Though she was hard-pressed to admit it, she was torn between the two of them, Hawkeye Pierce and Trapper John McIntyre. When they were all together for that brief time, no two people had angered, disgusted, aggravated, or excited her more. She had wondered at the time if she might have felt differently about them had there not been such adverse conditions. However, due to her military background, she had dismissed such thoughts because they were both so undisciplined and unmilitary, so unlike what she had envisioned as her ideal.

She had only had a brief encounter with either one of them, and she had many such encounters over the years with other men, especially during the war, but for some reason those two were stuck in her mind to the point that she rarely even thought about the others anymore. There was something about the circumstances of those two that made them stand out. Maybe it was the emotional distress she was under when they were there with her. She was vulnerable and they were there to offer comfort. Now that she was no longer in the army, she often felt vulnerable.

Hawkeye's father excused himself and went into the house to make coffee for his guests, leaving Trapper and B. J. alone on the porch.

"B. J., tell me what happened to Hawk at the end of the war? What made him snap?" asked Trapper.

B. J. grimaced, as if this was bringing back unwelcome memories, and said, "I think he just got tired of all the death and destruction of the war. It all came to a head on an outing we had a few months before the end. We were on a bus going back to the camp and had to hide from a North Korean patrol. While we were hiding, a young refugee we had picked up suffocated her baby so it wouldn't cry out. Hawkeye had chastised her about the noise, but it was dark in the bus and he didn't see that it was a baby. It sounded like a chicken to him. I don't guess any of us knew it was a baby, now that I think about it, and we didn't think about it affecting him for sure. After that, he started to fall apart, trying to operate on patients without anesthetic, things like that, and ended up at a hospital in Tokyo. Luckily, Sidney was there and was able to get him back on track. I didn't think he was quite right when we left, but I felt like he would be okay since the fighting was over and we were going home."

B. J. looked at Trapper, "You know the worst thing, the worst thing? After that mother killed her child, none of us, NONE of us, even gave it a second thought after it happened. I mean, we consoled the mother, sure, but by that time, death was such a part of the landscape that nothing fazed us. Do you know I would wake up in the middle of the night after I got home, in a cold sweat, thinking of the pain and anguish on that woman's face, and of how still and lifeless her child was, lying there in her arms? But at the time, I never thought about it."

"I understand," Trapper nodded, "I guess we all brought home our share of demons from Korea, things that keep us up at night, things we have to drink away. I think about some of the kids I operated on. They were babies, too."

"Nobody comes through a war unscarred," B. J. said. "That's what Colonel Potter used to tell us. Whether they're physical or mental scars, we all have them."

"I hate I never got to meet him. Have you had any contact with Hawk since the war?"

B. J. replied, "I called him a couple of times, and we wrote each other off and on. What about you?"

Trapper shook his head, "I haven't talked to anyone since I came home. I left Hawkeye a letter explaining why I left, but I never heard anything from any of them, not even after the war."

B. J. looked at Trapper, "Wait a minute. You wrote Hawkeye a note before you left?"

"Yeah, I did...." Trapper began, but then he remembered that Margaret had quoted part of the letter to him earlier today. She must have destroyed the letter before Hawkeye could read it. "Damn, I guess all these years Hawkeye must have thought I left without saying good-bye. No wonder I never heard from him."

Trapper's heart sank. He hadn't thought that Margaret beat Hawkeye to the letter, even after she told him she read it. He figured she had stumbled onto it somewhere or that maybe Hawkeye's loose lips had spilled the beans during a night at the Officers' Club. He wanted to be angry about it, but really he couldn't blame her for tearing it up, or whatever she did to it. He shouldn't have written it to begin with, but for the two of them, Margaret had been the unattainable goal for almost two years. He had never expected to reach that goal; much less find out that he had developed feelings for her. He just wasn't built that way as far as women went, not even with his wife. He had only married Louise after he found out she was pregnant with Kathy and while he did care for her, it was more of a platonic love.

Margaret was different though, and though he did care for her, he wasn't sure why. Was it because he had been alone so long or because he truly cared for her? For someone, like Trapper, who had never had thoughts like these about anyone, it was perplexing.

"Trapper, you were like the rest of us. That was a part of your life you wanted to get away from as fast as possible and not look back," said B. J. "I know I should have kept in contact with him better than I did, but every time I tried, those old memories were dredged up again."

"You're right," Trapper said. "But that doesn't make me feel any better about not doing it. I might have been able to help Hawk."

"Maybe you still can," B. J. said.

"You might be interested to know that some concerned friends have driven up to check on you."

Sidney's voice broke a long silence and startled Hawkeye, who had been staring out of the window.

"Are they girls?" Hawkeye smiled. "If so, just give me a few minutes to freshen up," he said, running his fingers through his hair.

"One of them is," Sidney replied. "...and I'm sure she wouldn't want you to go to any fuss over her."

Hawkeye stopped, "You're serious, aren't you?"

Sidney nodded, "Never more."

"Who's here? Did you call someone?"

"Some concerned friends. They want to help you, almost as much as I do."

"I don't need any help," Hawkeye said angrily. "I'm perfectly fine. Can you not see that?"

"All I see is a man who I always believed would rather be a doctor than take a breath, a man who is now telling me that he doesn't want to be a doctor anymore," Sidney replied calmly. "Now I figure there must be a good reason why such a change has occurred."

Hawkeye sat down and stared out the window.

Sidney stood up and walked out of Hawkeye's room to get his friends.

"How is he, Sidney?" B. J. asked.

Sidney faced B. J., Trapper, Mr. Pierce, and Margaret, who had returned from her walk. "He's not responding to me. I'm sure that whatever is bothering him is related to his experiences in Korea. Something must have happened here to trigger it, but I think it's related to the past."

"You think maybe one of us can get it out of him?" Trapper asked.

Sidney shrugged his shoulders, "Well, you can't do any worse than I have so far. You people were with him a lot more than I was, so maybe you can read him."

B. J. shook his head, "He was hard to read when I was around him all the time."

Margaret nodded, "What should we do, Sidney? Do we just talk to him? Do we ask him questions?"

Sidney frowned, "Asking him questions might push him away. I think by just talking to him, we might be able to pull it out of him."

There was a long silence. Sidney asked, "Any volunteers?"

Margaret stepped forward reluctantly, and said, "I'll go."

She had not seen Hawkeye since the war ended. She still remembered the kiss. There were three long years of frustrations, disappointments, passions, desires, laughter and tears bottled up in that kiss. At times, she had nothing but contempt for Hawkeye. They were so different. She respected authority, while he despised it. Even though she had been attracted to him (and McIntyre) over the years, she always thought that it was a physical attraction and nothing more and that was all there would ever be to it.

But now things were different. She was in her mid forties and maybe she had mellowed somewhat, but she could also tell a difference in McIntyre, almost a sense of resignation. All the fight seemed to be gone from him and he was a different person. She wondered if this was what had happened to Hawkeye, and if either of them would be this way if they had not been in Korea.

She finally reached the top of the stairs, and she stared at the door to Hawkeye's room. She was trying to imagine what he looked like now, if he would proposition her like he used to do, or if he would make a wisecrack. Taking a deep breath, she opened the door.

Hawkeye was surprised to see Margaret. Sidney had told him that he had visitors, but he never dreamed it would be her. He wondered now who else was out there. "Margaret, you can't imagine how often I've fantasized that you would let yourself into my room," he leered. "I hope you brought an overnight bag."

"Hawkeye," Margaret said softly. She was surprised at how he had aged. His hair was completely white and he looked like he had not slept in days. She crossed the room to where he was sitting. He seemed okay to her so far. She hugged him awkwardly and sat down in the chair across from him. She asked, "How are you?"

"Fine, fine, couldn't be better," he replied, matter-of-factly. "And you?"

Margaret nodded, "I'm doing okay." She didn't know what to say. "You're looking....."

"Insane?" Hawkeye finished. "Loony, exhausted, kookoo? Stop me when I say it...."

"I was going to say 'well', but I figured you knew better," Margaret finished. "We're worried about you, Hawkeye."

"'We'?" Hawkeye wondered. "Who is 'we'? Who else is out there? Who told you to come here?"

Margaret replied hesitantly, "Just me, B. J., and Trapper."

"Where's Frank? Warming up in the bullpen?" he said with a leer.

Margaret stood up, "I never should have come in here. I came in here to help if I could and I've done nothing but make you mad. Why the hell are you bringing up Frank Burns to me? That's a part of my life that's been over for over fifteen years and you....."

Hawkeye held up his hand, "You're right. I was out of line."

Margaret sat back down. She knew better than to wait for an apology. That was as close as Hawkeye would ever get.

"How did you find out about me?" Hawkeye asked.

Margaret looked out the window. "B. J. called Sidney, then me, and then we found Trapper."

"Trapper's out there?" Hawkeye asked, looking at the door.

"Yes," Margaret replied.

Hawkeye ran his hands through his hair, stammering, "You guys came here from halfway across the country to see me?"

Margaret nodded. "Yes, we did. B. J. drove from California. I flew in from Chicago. We met Trapper in Boston and drove up."

"I don't know what to say," Hawkeye stammered. "I just can't believe that you would do this. Why?"

"We're family, Hawkeye. You don't go through what we all went through and not become family. You would have done it for me if I had needed it, wouldn't you?"

Hawkeye nodded, tears welling in his eyes, and then he smiled, "I would have done anything for you, Margaret, or to you for that matter."

Margaret smiled. He was still trying to run. "What's happened, Hawkeye? Please tell us what has happened to you?"

Hawkeye stood and crossed the room. He stared out the window, looking into the woods behind his father's house. He heard the door open.

"Tell us, Hawk," B. J. was standing in the doorway. "We want to help."

Hawkeye turned to see B. J., and then noticed the gray-haired man standing behind him, smirking.

"I understand you're looking for a medical man," Trapper began.

"I see you couldn't find one," finished Hawkeye, smiling.

After exchanging greetings, the four of them sat down in a circle in the middle of Hawkeye's room. After the initial hugs and greetings, it had quieted back down.

Trapper looked at Hawkeye, He looks older than his father, he thought. Whatever was eating at him was also eating him up. He was wasting away and fast. "So, Hawk? Been trolling for any nurses lately?"

"Only on nights that end in 'y'," Hawkeye replied. "You?"

Trapper shrugged his shoulders, "Well, I got this reputation I gotta protect."

Hawkeye smiled and then looked over B. J.'s shoulder and saw Sidney standing in the doorway.

"Vell, der head shrinker has arrived," cracked Hawkeye in a bad German accent. "Ready to dive back in, Herr Doctor?"

Sidney stared at the floor and said, "No, I think I'll let some old friends catch up." He turned and walked back down the hall.

To Trapper, Hawkeye appeared to breathe a sigh of relief, then he turned and said, "Sit down, gang. Let's open our presents."

The next two hours was spent catching up with each other. B. J. went first and told Hawkeye and the rest all about Peg and Erin, and about the son and daughter they had after he returned from Korea, and after the nightmares stopped.

"Erin will be graduating from high school next year," B. J. said. "Then she's going to go to Stanford and study to be a teacher. No medicine for her." Erin was old enough to remember B. J.'s nightmares after he returned from Korea. "Ethan and Emily are in elementary school. Ethan wants to be a baseball player and so does Emily," he smiled.

Margaret smiled, "That's sweet. Who do your kids look like, B.J.? You or Peg?"

"Fortunately, the girls favor Peg, but I'm afraid I've marked poor Ethan,"

"How's that? Cheesy moustache? Big Feet?" Hawkeye wondered to Trapper.

"Don't look at me," Trapper shrugged. "I just met the guy."

"What about you, Margaret?" asked Hawkeye. "You look fantastic. Did you ever meet Mr. Right? If not, I think I'll change my last name?"

Margaret shook her head, "I'm afraid not. I guess my standards are too high. I'm still a single girl focused on her career, and your last name is fine as it is."

"Swing and a miss," Trapper cracked.

Hawkeye looked at Trapper, "What about you, Dr. 'Live With 'em and Leave 'em'? Too busy to leave a note when you headed back to the Land of Opportunity?"

Trapper glanced at Margaret, who suddenly turned ashen. What was Trapper going to say? At the time, she hadn't thought about that letter being the last correspondence between two close friends. She had only been angry at the contents. Well, didn't she deserve to be? At the same time, what she had done might have unwittingly caused an irreconcilable rift between the two of them, and this was a time when Hawkeye needed all of his friends.

Trapper was not wondering what to say. He knew he had already hurt Margaret enough with some careless words in the letter. He didn't need to hurt her anymore. Besides, given Hawkeye's fragile state of mind, it might not be the best time to go into the details.

"Sorry, Pal. Didn't Radar tell you?" Trapper replied. "You weren't there when I got my orders, so I had to celebrate for two. They loaded me onto the chopper by stretcher. I didn't sober up until I was in San Francisco."

"My Bunkie," Hawkeye smiled. "Nice to know you managed without me."

"Only until I got home," Trapper said. "It was downhill from there. When I got home, Louise was gone, and so were the girls. I guess I finally wore out my welcome."

Hawkeye's smile faded and he looked out the window, "It's just as well, Trapper. I don't think marriage is what it's cracked up to be."

"How so?" B. J. asked. "Have you been holding out on us? Did you take the plunge and not send out invitations to your friends?"

Hawkeye shook his head, still looking out his window, "Not me, Pal. You know what I always used to say, 'Marriage isn't a word. It's a sentence'. There's no space in my life for a Mrs. Hawkeye."

Everyone was silent. Hawkeye's entire demeanor had changed instantly. He seemed to be loosening up earlier, but now he was distant, lost in thought.

He stood up and said politely, "Would you excuse me? I think I need to rest for a little while."

Downstairs, a half hour later, in Mr. Pierce's kitchen, the group sat and drank some of Mr. Pierce's very strong coffee and wondered what had just happened upstairs.

"I thought he was doing better," said Margaret. "But all of a sudden, he shut us out again. He just pushed us away."

"I know," B. J. said. "It was almost like shutting a water faucet off. It happened that fast."

Sidney walked into the kitchen with Mr. Pierce. "How did it go? What happened?"

"Sorry, Sidney," B. J. said. "We thought we had a breakthrough. He was asking us about our lives and starting to laugh and joke...."

"He even made a pass at me," Margaret said.

B. J. nodded, "....but suddenly, he just shut down, clammed up, and asked us to leave."

"But that's better than he's been doing with me," Sidney said. "He's been openly hostile to me for the most part, making sarcastic remarks, more so than usual, and keeping me at arm's length. It sounds like you might have broken through his barriers a little bit. Think about it. When did you notice that he started pushing away again?"

"Let's see," Trapper said. "I was talking about what I'd been doing."

"You mentioned your divorce, Trapper," B. J. said. "I was watching him. When you told him about your wife leaving, his entire expression changed."

Sidney looked at Hawkeye's father, "Mr. Pierce? Has Hawkeye recently been in a bad relationship, where maybe things didn't work out like he had intended? Maybe he was serious about someone and they didn't return the favor?"

"Hawkeye?" laughed Trapper. "Old 'Love 'em & Leave 'em' Hawkeye, scorned by a female?"

Mr. Pierce shook his head, "I don't know, Dr. Friedman. He's always kind of played it close to the vest with me on his relationships. I never have gotten much out of him about his girlfriends."

"As far as I know, I can't ever remember him even being remotely serious about a woman, at least serious enough to marry one. I mean, his intentions were usually the exact opposite of a permanent relationship." Trapper said.

Margaret nodded, "I can't imagine Hawkeye ever even considering matrimony."

"I can," B. J. said.

"I had not been in Korea very long, maybe a couple of months, when a couple of nurses transferred to the 4077th. One of them shared a past with Hawkeye. Her name was Carlye something, I forget her last name. She was only there for a few weeks."

"I don't remember her," Margaret said. "Of course, there were so many nurses that came and went during that short a time." She sat back amazed at what she had just said. So short a time? At the time, it seemed like they had spent decades in Korea.

"He dated her in college," Mr. Pierce said. "They were pretty close for a while, I thought, but I didn't think they were that close. I'll go see if I can find one of his old college yearbooks. There's a picture of her in there, I'm sure." he said as he left the kitchen.

"She was married at the time that we knew her in Korea," B. J. told Margaret. "I didn't want to say that in front of his dad. She left suddenly, I think, because things started getting too hot between them. He was pretty despondent for a while after that, but nothing more than you would expect someone to do after a sudden breakup."

"Do you think she's dropped back into Hawk's life?" Trapper wondered.

Sidney spoke up, "I think one of you should ask him."

They all turned and looked at Sidney. "One of us?" Margaret asked.

Sidney nodded, "To Hawkeye, I'm the enemy right now, and as long as he is not willing to come out of this himself, and as long as you people are here and represent friendly faces to him, he's not going to be very forthcoming to me with any information."

Mr. Pierce returned through the swinging doors into the kitchen. "Here she is, right here?" he said, pointing to the yearbook.

"She was quite a looker," Trapper said. "Hawk never mentioned her to me. He was holding out."

"Now I remember her," Margaret said. "She was a decent nurse, could have been better if she'd had a little more focus. I guess that's why I didn't remember her that well. Very pretty though."

"I guess I could ask him about her, Sidney," B. J. said. "We did discuss her quite a bit during that time and he might be more comfortable with me."

"It's getting dark," said Mr. Pierce, looking out the back screen door at the approaching night. "I'd like you all to stay for dinner, and overnight if you want. I won't take 'no' for an answer. Besides, you can't say 'no', especially since there aren't any restaurants or hotels in Crabapple Cove."

"Okay," smiled Margaret, "But only if you let us pick up groceries for you. This is a big, hungry group."

Mr. Pierce smiled, "There's a store just down the road here. I have an account there, so just get what you think we might need."

B. J. said, "Trapper, you and Margaret take my car." He tossed Trapper the keys. "I'm going to stay here and talk with Sidney about what we need to do."

The brisk autumn afternoon had changed into a frigid night as Trapper and Margaret rushed to the car to pick up groceries at the local market.

"Man, it's freezing out here," Trapper said as he rubbed his hands together. "Did you get the list, Margaret?"

"Got it," Margaret said, shivering as she clutched the grocery list.

Trapper got the car started and they drove to the market. They arrived there before the car even heated up and rushed into the market.

The market was an older store, with freshly cut meat sitting unwrapped in open coolers. "There's something you don't see anymore," said Trapper as he picked up a shopping basket. "What does the list say?"

"It says 'everything'. I see where Hawkeye got his sense of humor," Margaret smiled. "I'll get some milk and cheese over here and you pick out some meat, maybe some steaks or chops."

"Sounds good to me," Trapper said as he walked to the meat market. The butcher was in the process of cleaning up and was not happy to see Trapper. "We close in ten minutes," he growled.

"Fine," Trapper said as he pulled out a twenty dollar bill. "Think you can cut and wrap up this many steaks in ten minutes? If not, we can go somewhere else."

Twenty dollars worth of steaks was a lot of steak, and probably equal to what the market had taken in for the day. The butcher's demeanor changed and he said, "Yes Sir! Anything else?"

"The lady is taking care of everything else. Just bring me those when you're finished, okay?" Trapper walked over to where Margaret was shopping. "Find anything worth eating?" he asked.

Margaret nodded, "Some vegetables, canned, fruit cocktail, bread. Not much to choose from. What did you find?"

"Some steaks. He's carving them up for us right now."

"Do you have to go back to the hospital?" Margaret asked.

Trapper shook his head, "Nah, I do all my surgery in a couple of days a week. I got another doctor who will make rounds for me for a few days. He owes me a favor."

Margaret nodded. Trapper got the impression that she wanted to say something. "This seems like a nice place, Crabapple Cove. It's quiet, peaceful. I could get used to this after dealing with traffic and constant noise and commotion seven days a week."

"Me, too," Trapper agreed. "It would be nice to have a little peace and quiet once in a while."

"Do you ever......miss Korea?" Margaret asked.

Puzzled by her question, Trapper looked at Margaret. "I dunno. I never thought about it that way before. I guess sometimes I do miss it, now that you mention it. Do you?"

Margaret nodded, "Sometimes I think, believe it or not, that I do. I mean, it's funny. It was a horrible time, with all the death and destruction and carnage, but I think that I was at my best during all of that, and that the people I was with were the best, too."

"I know what you mean," Trapper said. "I mean, my life hasn't exactly been what you would call normal since I got home. In fact, sometimes I think it was more normal when I was over there."

"What have you done since then, since you got home?"

"I hate to bore you, Margaret. It ain't been pretty," Trapper said quietly.

"No," she said. "I want to know."

"Okay," Trapper said, scratching his head. "For several years after I got home, I tried to mend fences with Louise. I mean, I wanted to be there for the kids, you know. Louise and I were always friends, but... I never felt that...that...."

"Passion?" Margaret finished.

Trapper pointed at her, "Yeah, that's the word. I just never did get that with her. We never should have married, but we did. I tried really hard to feel that, but I just couldn't and she knew it, so she ended up marrying another guy, which was awkward for awhile. I got to the point that I didn't even go over to see the kids. I thought the new guy was taking their place and all."

"I don't know your girls, but I can't imagine anyone replacing their daddy," Margaret said.

Trapper nodded, "You're right, but then I didn't see that. I pushed them away because I didn't see it. Eventually, they moved, went to Florida. I hear from the girls about twice a year, Christmas and on my birthday, and that's it."

"I'm sorry, Trapper," Margaret said.

Trapper shrugged. "Hey, it's my own fault. I was 'too blind to see', as they say. I did it to myself. At least they do remember me though, even if it's just twice a year."

The butcher appeared, smiling, with a big bundle. "Here's your steaks, Mister. Do you need anything else?"

Trapper took the package and clapped him on the shoulder, "This should hold us for a while, my man. Thanks very much. Are you finished with your list, Margaret?"

Margaret nodded. She wanted to hear more, but the time had passed.

"Let's go," Trapper said. "I'll bet the others are starving."

B. J. and Sidney sat in the Pierce's kitchen. Mr. Pierce was outside, getting firewood for the night.

"He's pretty amazing, isn't he?" B. J. marveled. "He's got to be in his seventies and he hasn't stopped since we got here."

"It's good therapy," Sidney said. "He's worried sick about his son and that's how he's coping with it."

B. J. looked down at his coffee cup, "I'm worried sick about him, too, Sidney. How are we going to get him out of this?"

Sidney shrugged, "Hawkeye has to get himself out of this, I'm afraid. He got himself into it."

"What do you mean?" B. J. asked.

"I have a feeling that this is a problem of Hawkeye's making," Sidney said. "They've met before, right? Hawkeye and this woman?"

B. J. nodded.

"She was married the second time they met, so that would explain why they didn't stay together then, but do you know why they went their separate ways the first time?"

"I think she thought Hawkeye was more devoted to his work than to her," B. J. replied. "He probably was, too, knowing him like I do."

"We need to find out if they have crossed paths again since the war," Sidney said. "I think the direct approach may be the best here. Maybe you just need to ask him about her. If he has seen her or heard from her, you'll know right away. If he hasn't, then there's no harm done, at least from that approach. We'll just be back to square one."

"Okay," said B. J. "When do I need to do this? Should I let him rest, like he asked us to do, or should I just go on up and get it over with?"

Sidney heard the sound of B. J.'s car pulling back into the driveway. Trapper and Margaret had returned from the store. "No time like the present," he said. "Let's see what happens."

Trapper and Margaret returned from the store and started cooking. Mr. Pierce sat in the kitchen with them. The kitchen was small. There was only room for a couple of people and a small table, so it was crowded, but they both knew Mr. Pierce needed to be around people right then. The uncertainty of his son's future was wearing on him, they could tell.

"I just don't know," Mr. Pierce shook his head. "Hawkeye's always been high-strung, but this latest episode has really thrown me for a loop. This has me baffled."

"When did it start?" Margaret asked.

Mr. Pierce began, "Hawkeye would rather work than sleep or eat, you know?"

They both nodded

Mr. Pierce took off his glasses, "Well, about a month ago, he stopped going into the clinic. He lives in a house about two miles from here. He doesn't want me to know that he entertains, you know?" He smiled. "He showed up the next day, but the people who work there could tell his heart wasn't in it. He did that for a few days, then he seemed to improve a bit for about a week. Then, all of a sudden, the bottom dropped out. He stopped working completely. I couldn't even talk to him about anything related to medicine. Next thing I knew, he wouldn't even come out of his house. I finally got him to come back to the house with me, so at least I could get him to eat, but he stays holed up in his room now."

Margaret shook her head, "It just doesn't make sense. Hawkeye's never been like that. We used to have to make him go to sleep when we'd had several days of wounded."

Trapper nodded, "He hated the work, but he wouldn't quit."

Mr. Pierce agreed, "Same when he was here. He hated sickness and disease, just like he hated those poor boys being wounded and maimed, but he's always had the impression that he was the only one who could help them all."

Margaret and Trapper looked at each other and nodded, "That's the Hawkeye we know," Trapper said.

Margaret looked out the kitchen door at the stairs, "Maybe Sidney and B. J. can get to the bottom of this," she said.

Hawkeye couldn't sleep. He had not been able to sleep for some time now. He would drift off from time to time, but never longer than thirty minutes at a time. It had been hard for him to eat. He mainly nibbled on some things to ease his father's mind. He knew his father was worried about him, so he was trying to put up a front of sorts for him.

He was startled by a knock on his door. "Who is it?" he sang. "I'm not decent."

"Never have been," B. J. replied, as he opened the door.

"What is it?" Hawkeye asked as B. J. stared at him.

B. J. shrugged, "Nothing. I was expecting you to be wearing a red bathrobe for some reason."

"Sorry, a pretty nurse ripped it to shreds while we were in Tokyo. It died for a worthy cause, if I do say so myself."

"Went out with a bang, eh?"

"You might say that," Hawkeye grinned. "What brings you upstairs?"

B. J. sat down in a chair by the window, "Well, Trapper and Margaret are cooking dinner. Sidney is taking a shower, and your dad is worried."

Hawkeye's smile faded a little bit, "Yeah, I know. He's taking this pretty hard."

"We all are, Hawk," B. J. said. "You have to admit that this isn't standard operating procedure for you."

Hawkeye sat down on the bed, shaking his head in disbelief, "I can't believe you guys came all this way."

B. J. smiled, "Hawkeye, we all have a bond. We went through hell together. That's the key word, 'together'. I know that if I ever needed you guys, you would bust a gut to get to me. Am I right?"

Hawkeye nodded, his eyes glistening.

"Now, not only are you worrying your dad, you've got Sidney ready to climb the walls. He's afraid he's losing his touch, you know, getting people to open up to him."

Hawkeye said, "He'll have to sell his couch."

"At the least," B. J. said.

Hawkeye stood up and walked over to look out of the window, standing next to B. J. "You know, I've never told you this, but it's kind of hard for me to open up and show my feelings."

B. J. widened his eyes in mock surprise, "Glorioski!"

Hawkeye smiled, "You noticed that."

B. J. nodded, "You hide it well."

Hawkeye continued, "Trapper and I were best friends before you came along, but we weren't on the same scale. Trapper was a buddy, a pal to get drunk with, to chase nurses with, and to escape the insanity with. When you showed up, it was different. I was tired, tired of the death and destruction. The booze and nurses had stopped working as well."

"Maybe I took a different approach than Trapper," B. J. said.

"You did," Hawkeye agreed. "A more mature approach. I had to adjust to you, and your personality. You were more open than Trapper was. Do you know that I never learned anything about his personal life? I know your wife's maiden name, where her parents live, and your home address, at least when you were in Korea. I never had to do that with Trapper."

"What are you getting at, Hawkeye?"

"I had to open up to you, to share what I was feeling. I didn't have to do that with Trapper, didn't want to, but if I had stayed the same way with you, in the state of mind I was in at the time, I would have walked into a chopper blade. Nothing against Trap, but when I was at my lowest point, you were there, and you listened to me rant, rave, laugh, cry, just like now."

"'...just like now.' You think you might want to talk about what's bothering you?"

Hawkeye nodded, "I think so."

"Fire away," B. J. said.

Mr. Pierce had retired to the living room and was asleep in his chair. "This may be the first time he's slept soundly in awhile," Trapper said. He was cooking the last of the steaks.

Margaret nodded, "I know he's worried sick."

After a few moments of silence, Trapper said, "Okay, Margaret. I gave you my life's story since Korea. What about you? What have you done with yourself the past few years?"

Margaret smiled, "There's not much to tell. I've been in Chicago almost the entire time, over the surgical nursing staff. Work is pretty much my life."

"You never got married?" Trapper asked.

"Just once, while I was in Korea, but it didn't last. To be honest, it wasn't meant to. I didn't love him. I just thought I should and, at the time, I convinced myself that I did. In the long run, it just wasn't what either of us wanted."

"Sorry," Trapper said. "Divorce is bad enough, but in the middle of a war...."

"Anyway," Margaret interrupted, forcing a smile. "That's pretty much the extent of my personal life, sad to say. I guess I've been around long enough that if someone was going to sweep me off my feet, they would have done so by now."

"I don't know," said Trapper, taking the last steak out of the skillet. "Sometimes you don't get swept off your feet. Sometimes, it sneaks up from behind you, when you least expect it."

"Did it ever happen to you that way?" Margaret asked.

"I'm not sure just yet," Trapper smiled.

"Last month, I got a call. It was from an old friend. You may remember her. She was a nurse briefly at the 4077th. Carlye Breslin."

"I remember her," B. J. said.

"She was married while she was in Korea, didn't go by 'Breslin." I can't remember what her name was then. It doesn't matter, she's divorced now. Anyway, she called me. She's living in Connecticut now, working as a nurse."

"She just called to catch up?"

"Not exactly," Hawkeye said uneasily. "She wanted to see if there was anything still there between us. I mean, it had been fifteen years, she said, and she said that she thought of me a lot, more than she expected."

"Well, was there?"

Hawkeye stared out the window, "Oh, yeah. There was. There was still a lot between us. A lot."

"You seem overjoyed," B. J. said sarcastically.

"It's the same thing as last time, Beej," Hawkeye said. "I started getting cold feet again. She wants to be first in my life and I don't know if I can do it. I started pushing her away again, she said."

"So this is why you're pushing everyone else away, your family, your friends, your career?"

"I don't know," Hawkeye said, frantically. "I don't know what I'm doing. I'm confused, I can't make up my mind what to do."

"It sounds like you've already made up your mind to me," B. J. said. "I think you know it, too, but you're so used to being in charge and in control of everything, something that's beyond your control is baffling you."

Hawkeye gave B. J. a puzzled look.

"Go to her, Hawkeye. Every fiber of your being is trying to tell you that right now. Can't you see it? After all this time, your priorities are changing. Your career is not at the top of the list anymore. She's always been number one and you've denied it and fought it for twenty-something years and now you're tired of fighting."

"Pretty astute analysis," Sidney said as he opened the door. "Hawkeye, take his advice. Drop your pants and slide on the ice."

Hawkeye smiled, "I always wondered what that meant."

Trapper and Margaret were gathering plates and drinking glasses to feed the assembled group. It took some doing because rarely over the past few years had Mr. Pierce entertained over two people, but after some searching, enough plates and utensils were gathered.

Trapper stuck his head out of the kitchen door and said loudly, "Dinner's ready! Come and get it!"

Mr. Pierce came in, saying, "I could have gotten the fine china out for you. Mmmm! Smells mighty tasty to me."

Margaret said, "You just sit down, Sir. You've had enough to worry with for the past few days. Leave everything to us."

"I hope you like steak and vegetables, Mr. Pierce. It's the best we could do on short notice," Trapper smiled.

"I was hoping for maybe something on a shingle," a voice said from outside the kitchen.

Trapper turned in time to see Hawkeye standing at the kitchen door, with B. J. and Sidney close behind. "Sorry, they were out of shingles," Trapper said. "You'll have to make do."

Hawkeye sat next to his surprised father, "I don't believe I've ever had the pleasure of experiencing your cooking skills before, other than your work with the still, of course."

"Well, that should be reference enough, in my book," Trapper replied. "Sorry I left off the martinis this time around."

"Some of Dear Ol' Dad's coffee should be the perfect remedy," Hawkeye smiled at his father.

"Nice to see you out of your room," Trapper said. "You look much taller out here."

"Thank you," said Hawkeye. "I thought I'd stretch my legs a little bit, expand my horizons some. Maybe travel a little bit."

"Sounds promising," Trapper said as he put a plate of food in front of Hawkeye. "Anywhere in particular you have in mind."

"I've always liked Connecticut this time of year. Great scenery. From there, who knows where I might end up?"

"Hawkeye, I'm so glad," Margaret said.

The group sat down to one of the most satisfying meals any of them had enjoyed in a long time.

The next morning, Hawkeye had gotten up, dressed, and drove off before anyone else had stirred. They were stunned to find that he had left them so abruptly. They all sat in the kitchen, trying to wake up and wondering what had happened.

Margaret shook her head as she stared out the window at the frigid New England morning, "I can't believe he left without saying goodbye."

B. J. chuckled as he sipped some of Mr. Pierce's strong coffee, "I guess he had somewhere to go in a hurry." He smiled, "Maybe it's his way of saying that this is not goodbye, that he'll be seeing us soon enough."

Trapper nodded, "Maybe for a wedding. Who knows?"

B. J. stood up, "Well, I think our work is done here, group. I'm going to put some gas in my car and we can start the long journey back."

Trapper and Margaret each handed B. J. some money, "This should get you back to Boston, Beej," Trapper said.

"And this will get you get you well on the way home," smiled Margaret. "Not that we're rushing you or anything."

"I know you're not," B. J. grinned. "Thanks, I'll be back soon."

"Where's Hawkeye's dad, and Sidney?" asked Trapper as B. J. shut the door.

"I think he went for his morning walk," Margaret replied. "I don't know where Sidney is. Why?"

"Because I think you and I need to discuss some things and now is as good a time as any."

"Okay," Margaret said, "Discuss what things?"

Trapper stood up and looked out the window. It was going to be harder than he thought. "You know, we talked last night about how sometimes you just stumble into things, like....," he paused.

"Like love," she finished.

Trapper nodded, "Well, I've been stumbling around for a long time, and I'm tired of it. I'm tired of just wandering around from thing to thing, you know what I mean."

Margaret shook her head.

Frustrated, Trapper said, "I know what I've got to say in here," he pointed to his head. "But I can't get it out here," he pointed to his mouth.

Putting her hand on his chest, Margaret said, "Maybe you should speak from here."

Trapper smiled, "I'm trying. It's been a while since I've had to. You and I have both been through a lot, Margaret, together and separately. We've got a lot of scars and bruises from life. I was wondering if maybe you might want to go through the rest of it together."

"The rest of what?" Margaret asked.

"The rest of life," Trapper said impatiently.

Margaret smiled, "Is this a proposal, Dr. McIntyre?"

Trapper winced, "Let's call it an agreement for the time being," he said. "I can't promise it will be smooth as silk, but it should at least be interesting. Let's see what happens and go from there."

Margaret looked Trapper in the eye, and said, "Chicago or Boston?"

"I'm flexible," Trapper said.

"We'll find out."

B. J. Hunnicutt smiled as he read the note Hawkeye left on the driver's seat of the car.

B. J.,

Well, it looks like I'm going to follow Sidney's advice. He's never let me down before and I don't think he will this time. I'm going to drop my pants and slide on the ice. I always thought that this would be a big leap into the unknown, but actually this is really the only thing I've been sure about in the last twenty years of my life. I hope to be inviting you and our friends to a wedding soon.

Thank you for being a friend, my best friend, and for always being there for me, even fifteen years later.

Give the others my regards and tell them to get their tuxedos pressed.

Hawk

"Eight bucks, sir," the gas station attendant said, interrupting B. J.'s thoughts.

"Well, well," the familiar voice of Sidney Friedman spoke. "I take it the dilemma is no longer such."

"I missed you at Mr. Pierce's this morning," B. J. said.

"I saw Hawkeye off this morning, gave him a bit of encouragement. Then I decided to take a walk in this crisp New England air."

"You think the dilemma is fixed," B. J. wondered.

Sidney nodded, "I think so. I think Hawkeye's always known what he wanted in the back of his mind. He just didn't want to admit that he needed anyone else, but we all do."

B. J. thought of Peg, Erin, Ethan, and Emily, and how much more fulfilled they made his life. "We all do."

Upon their return to the Pierce house, B. J. and Sidney shared Hawkeye's note with the others. Then, after lunch, they went their separate ways.

After all the goodbyes, B. J., Trapper, and Margaret started the drive back to Boston. Sidney was going in Crabapple Cove one more day. He and Mr. Pierce had become fast friends.

"So, are you guys ready to get back to the grind of daily life?" B. J. asked Trapper and Margaret.

Margaret smiled. Trapper said, "You know, for the first time in a long time, I'm kind of looking forward to it, B. J."

"So am I," Margaret said.