Inigo: (To the albino, who has entered the grove with a wheelbarrow) Where is the man in black? You get there from this grove, yes? Fezzik, jog his memory. (Fezzik hits him on the head.)
Fezzik: I'm sorry, Inigo... I didn't mean to jog him so hard. ...Inigo?
Inigo: Father... I have failed you for twenty years. Now our misery can end. Somewhere, somewhere close by is a man who can help us. I cannot find him alone; I need you. I need you to guide my sword. Please... guide my sword (His sword guides him to the tree, where he leans on the secret knot. They go down and find Westley. Fezzik listens for a heartbeat.)
Fezzik: He's dead.
Inigo: This is not fair..
(Bedroom)
Granddaughter: Grandpa, grandpa, wait, wait. What did Fezzik mean, "he's dead"? I mean, he didn't mean... dead? Westley's only faking, right?
Grandfather: You want me to read this, or not?
Granddaughter: Who gets Humperdinck?
Grandfather: I don't understand.
Granddaughter: Who kills Prince Humperdinck? At the end! Somebody's gotta do it. Is it Inigo? Who?
Grandfather: Nobody. Nobody kills him. He lives.
Granddaughter: You mean he wins? Jesus, Grandpa, what did you read me this thing for?
Grandfather: You know, you've been very sick, and you're taking this story very seriously. I think we oughtta stop now. (shuts book)
Granddaughter: No... I'm okay, I'm okay. Sit down. I'm all right.
Grandfather: Okay. All right now, let's see, where were we? Ohh yes. In the Zoo of Death.
(Back in the Zoo of Death)
Inigo: The Montoyas have never taken defeat easily. Come along, Fezzik; bring the body.
Fezzik: The body?
Inigo: Have you any money?
Fezzik: I have a little.
Inigo: I just hope it's enough to buy a miracle, that's all.
(They go to a small cottage where Inigo pounds on the door.)
Miracle Max/Seamus: Go away! (knock knock knock) What? What?
Inigo: Are you the Miracle Max who worked for the king all those years?
Max: The king's stinking son fired me. And thank you so much for bringing up such a painful subject. While you're at it why don't you give me a nice papercut and pour lemon juice on it? We're closed! (slams the door, followed by more knocking.) Beat it, or I'll call the Brute Squad.
Fezzik: I'm on the Brute Squad.
Max: You ARE the Brute Squad.
Inigo: We need a miracle. It's very important.
Max: Look, I'm retired. And besides, why would you want somebody the king's stinking son fired? I might kill whoever you wanted me to miracle.
Inigo: He's already dead.
Max: He is, huh? I'll take a look. Bring him in. (lifts Westley's arm, and it flops back down.) I've seen worse.
Inigo: Sir? Sir?
Max: Huh?
Inigo: We're in a terrible rush.
Max: Don't rush me, sonny. You rush a miracle man, you get rotten miracles. You got money?
Inigo: Sixty-five.
Max: Sheesh. I never work for so little. Except once; and that was a very noble cause.
Inigo: This is noble, sir. His wife is... cripple. His children are on the brink of starvation.
Max: Are you a rotten liar.
Inigo: I need him to help me avenge my father, murdered these twenty years.
Max: Your first story was better. Where's that bellows cram? He probably owes you money, ah? Well, I'll ask him.
Inigo: He's dead. He can't talk.
Max: Woo hoo hoo! Look who knows so much, heh! Well, it just so happens that your friend here is only MOSTLY dead. There's a big difference between mostly dead and all dead. Please, open his mouth. Now, mostly dead, he's slightly alive. Now, all dead, well, with all dead, there's usually only one thing you can do.
Inigo: What's that?
Max: Go through his clothes and look for loose change. ...Hey! Hello in there! What's so important? What'cha got here that's worth living for? (Presses his lungs)
Westley: Trruuueee..... lloooovve...
Inigo: "True love!" You heard him? You could not ask for a more noble cause than that.
Max: Yeah, sonny... true love is the greatest thing in the world. Except for a nice MLT: mutton, lettuce, and tomato sandwich, when the mutton is nice and lean, and the tomato is ripe... they're so perky; I love that. But that's not what he said! He distinctly said, "To blave..." and as we all know, "to blave" means "to bluff!" So you were probably playing cards, and he cheated! And... (Valerie/Lavender runs in)
Valerie: Liar! Liar! Liar!!
Max: Get back, witch!
Valerie: I'm not a witch, I'm your wife! But after what you just said, I'm not even sure I wanna be that anymore!
Max: You never had it so good.
Valerie: "True love," he said, "true love," Max!
Max: Don't say another word, Valerie!
Valerie: He's afraid. Ever since Prince Humperdinck fired him, his confidence is shattered!
MAX: Why'd you have to say that name? You promised me that you would never say that name!
Valerie: What? Humperdinck? Aaah! Humperdinck! Aah. Humperdinck, Humperdinck, I'm not listening! Humperdinck! ... True love lies expiring, and you don't have the decency to say why you won't help!
Max: Nobody's hearin' nothin'!
Valerie: Humperdinck! Humperdinck!
Inigo: This is Buttercup's true love! If you heal him, he will stop Humperdinck's wedding!
Max: Wait. Wait. If I make him better, Humperdinck suffers?
Inigo: Humiliations galore.
Max: Ha haa! (Sings) That is a noble cause. Gimme the sixty-five. I'm on the job
Valerie: Woo hoo!
(Sees the miracle pill.)
Inigo: That's a miracle pill?
Valerie: The chocolate coating makes it go down easier. But, you have to wait fifteen minutes for full potency. And, he shouldn't go in swimming after for at least... what?
Max: An hour.
Valerie: Yeah, an hour.
Max: A good hour. Yeah.
Inigo: Thank you for everything.
Max: Okay.
Valerie: Bye bye, boys.
Max: Have fun storming the castle!
Valerie: Think it'll work?
Max: It would take a miracle. Bye bye!
(On the castle wall. Fezzik and Inigo are carrying Westley.)
Fezzik: Inigo! There's more than thirty.
Inigo: What's the difference? We've got him. Help me here. We'll have to force-feed him.
Fezzik: Has it been fifteen minutes?
Inigo: We can't wait. The wedding's in half an hour. We must strike in the hustle and the bustle before hand. Tilt his head back. Open his mouth.
Fezzik: How long do we have to wait before if we know the miracle works?
Inigo: Your guess is as good as mine.
Westley: I beat you both apart! I'll take you both together!
Fezzik: I guess not very long.
Westley: Why won't my arms move?
Fezzik: You've been mostly dead all day.
Inigo: We had Miracle Max make a pill to bring you back.
Westley: Who are you? Are we enemies? Why am I on this wall? Where's Buttercup?
Inigo: Let me explain: --no, there is too much. Let me sum up: Buttercup is marry Humperdinck in little less than half an hour. So all we have to do is get in, break up the wedding, steal the Princess, make our escape-- after I kill Count Rugen.
Westley: That doesn't leave much time for dilly-dallying. wiggle
Fezzik: You just wiggled your finger! That's wonderful!
Westley: I've always been a quick healer. What are our liabilities?
Inigo: There is but one working castle gate. And it is guarded by... (He helps Westley see over the wall) sixty men.
Westley: And our assets?
Inigo: Your brains. Fezzik's strength. My steel.
Westley: That's it? Impossible. Maybe if I had a month to plan I could come up with something, but this... (Shakes his head)
Fezzik: You just shook your head! That doesn't make you happy?
Westley: My brains, his steel, and your strength against sixty men and you think a little head-jiggle is supposed to make me happy? Hmm? (Fezzik smiles.) I mean, if we only had a wheelbarrow, that would be something.
Inigo: Where did we put that wheelbarrow the albino had?
Fezzik: Well, with the albino, I think.
Westley: Well, why didn't you list that with our assets in the first place? (Sigh) What I wouldn't give for a holocaust cloak.
Inigo: There we cannot help you.
Fezzik: Will this do?
Inigo: Where did you get that?
Fezzik: At Miracle Max's. It fit so nice, he said I could keep it.
Westley: All right, all right, help me up. Now, I'll need a sword eventually.
Inigo: Why? You can't even lift one.
Westley: True, but that's hardly common knowledge, is it? (His head flops and Fezzik lifts it.) Thank you. Now, there may be problems once we're inside.
Inigo: I'll say. How do I find the Count? Once I do, how do I find you again? Once I find you again, how do we escape?
Fezzik: Don't pester. He's had a hard day.
Inigo: Right. Right. Sorry. (Fezzik nods Westley's head.)
Fezzik: Inigo!
Inigo: What?
Fezzik: I hope we win.
(Chapel. Humperdinck and Buttercup are kneeing and whispering.)
Humperdinck: You don't seem excited, my little muffin.
Buttercup: Should I be?
Humperdinck: Brides often are, I'm told.
Buttercup: I do not marry tonight. My Westley will save me. (An old bishop/Neville waves the couple standing.)
Bishop: Mawwage. Mawwage is what bwings us togethah today. Mawwage, that bwessed awwangement, that dweam within a dweam.
(Outside the gates)
Yellin: Stand your ground!
Fezzik: (In the cloak and on the wheelbarrow) I am the Dread Pirate Roberts! There will be no survivors!
Inigo: Now?
Westley: Not yet.
Fezzik: I am here. My men are here... but soon you will not be here.
Inigo: Now?
Westley: Light him.
Fezzik: The Dread Pirate Roberts takes no survivors. All your worst nightmares are about to come true! (Everyone scatters.)
(Chapel)
Bishop: Then wove-- twue wove-- will fowww you fowevaw...
(Outside the gates)
Fezzik: The Dread Pirate Roberts is here for your souls!!
(Chapel)
Bishop: So tweasuah your wove...
Humperdinck: Skip to the end.
Bishop: Have you the wing?
Buttercup: Here comes my Westley now.
(Outside the gates)
Westley: Fezzik! The portcullis! (He thrusts it open, cornering Yellin.)
(Chapel)
Humperdinck: Your Westley is dead. I killed him myself.
Buttercup: Then why is there fear behind your eyes?
(Outside the gates)
Westley: Give us the gate key.
Yellin: I have no gate key.
Inigo: Fezzik, tear his arms off.
Yellin: Oh, you mean this gate key.
(Chapel)
Bishop: And do you, Pwincess Buhhcwup...
Humperdinck: "Man and wife!" Say "man and wife!"
Bishop: Man and wife.
Humperdinck: Escort the bride to the honeymoon suite. I'll be there shortly.
Buttercup: He didn't come.
(In the first corridor)
Rugen: (Sees the three.) Kill the dark one and the giant, but leave the third for questioning. (The men attack and Inigo kills them all.)
Inigo: Hello. My name is Inigo Montoya. You killed my father. Prepare to die. (The Count runs away and Inigo follows after him. Rugen then locks a door and Inigo tries pounding on it.)
Inigo: Fezzik! I need you!
Fezzik: I can't leave him alone.
Inigo: He's getting away from me, Fezzik! Please!! Fezzik!
Fezzik: I'll be right back. (Fezzik leaves Westley in a statue and goes to Inigo, slamming his fist into the door. It opens.)
Inigo: Thank you.
(In the hallway)
King: Strange wedding.
Queen: Yes. A very strange wedding. Come along now. (Buttercup kisses his cheek.)
King: What was that for?
Buttercup: Because you've always been so kind to me, and I won't be seeing you again, since I'm killing myself once we reach the honeymoon suite.
King: Won't that be nice. ...She kissed me!
(Various castle room)
(The Count is being followed by Inigo. Rugen pulls out a Flornese dagger, and throws it at Inigo. It hits him in the stomach.)
Inigo: I'm sorry, father. I tried. I tried.
Rugen: You must be that little Spanish brat I taught a lesson to all those years ago. Simply incredible. Have you been chasing me your whole life, only to fail now? I think that's the worst thing I've ever heard. How marvellous.
(In the honeymoon suite)
(Buttercup looks through all of her 'husband's daggers and picks one up. She holds it against her chest and is about to shove it through her heart when she hears Westley.)
Westley: There is a shortage of perfect breasts in this world. 'Twould be a pity to damage yours
Buttercup: Westley! Oh, Westley, darling! (She starts to kiss him and he tries to kiss back.) Westley, why don't you hold me?
Westley: Gently.
Buttercup: At a time like this, that's all you can think to say? "Gently"? (She grabs his face, planting one on his lips.)
Westley: Gently! (He falls back, hitting his head.)
(Various castle room)
(Inigo pulls the dagger out and starts to stand, falling back once or twice.)
Rugen: Good heavens. Are you still trying to win? You've got an overdeveloped sense of vengeance. It's going to get you into trouble some day. (They start to duel)
Inigo: Hello. My name is Inigo Montoya. You killed my father. Prepare to die. Hello. My name is Inigo Montoya. You killed my father. Prepare to die. Hello! My name is Inigo Montoya. You killed my father. Prepare to die! (They fight even more aggressively.)
Rugen: Stop saying that!
Inigo: Hello! My name is Inigo Montoya! You killed my father! Prepare to die!! (Inigo dissarms Rugen, slashing one cheek.)
Rugen: No!
Inigo: Offer me money. (Slashs the other cheek.)
Rugen: Yes.
Inigo: Power too, promise me that.
Rugen: All that I have and more. Please.
Inigo: Offer me everything I ask for.
Rugen: Anything you want.
Inigo: (Stabs Rugen through the heart.) I want my father back, you son of a bh.
(Honeymoon suite)
Buttercup: Oh Westley, will you ever forgive me?
Westley: What hideous sin have you committed lately?
Buttercup: I got married. I didn't want to; it all happened so fast.
Westley: It never happened.
Buttercup: What?
Westley: It never happened.
Buttercup: But it did! I was there! This old man said "man and wife!"
Westley: Did you say "I do"?
Buttercup: Oh, no... we sort of skipped that part.
Westley: Then you're not married. You didn't say it, you didn't do it. ...Wouldn't you agree, your Highness? (Humperdinck is standing at the door, sword drawn. He begins to enter.)
Humperdinck: A technicality that will shortly be remedied. But first things first. To the death!
Westley: No! To the pain.
Humperdinck: (Pause) I don't think I'm quite familiar with that phrase.
Westley: I'll explain. And I'll use small words so you'll be sure to understand, you warthog-faced buffoon.
Humperdinck: That may be the first time in my life a man has dared insult me.
Westley: It won't be the last. "To the pain" means the first thing you lose will be the feet, below the ankles. Then your hands, at the wrists; next, your nose.
Humperdinck: And then my tongue, I suppose. I killed you too quickly the last time, a mistake I don't mean to duplicate tonight.
Westley: I wasn't finished! The next thing you lose will be your left eye, followed by your right.
Humperdinck: And then my ears, I understand, let's get on with it.
Westley: Wrong! Your ears you keep, and I'll tell you why: so that every shriek of every child at seeing your hideousness will be yours to cherish; every babe that weeps at your approach, every woman who cries out, "Dear God, what is that THING?" will echo in your perfect ears. That is what "to the pain" means; it means I will leave you in agony, wallowing in freakish misery forever.
Humperdinck: I think you're bluffing.
Westley: It's possible, pig. I might be bluffing. It's conceivable, you miserable vomitous mass, that I'm only lying here because I lack the strength to stand. Then again... perhaps I have the strength after all. (Stands) Drop... your... sword. (Humperdinck's sword clatters.) Have a seat. (He sits in a chair.) Tie him up. Make it as tight as you like. Ow!
Inigo: (Entering) Where's Fezzik?
Westley: I thought he was with you.
Inigo: No.
Westley: In that case...mmm... (One knee buckles.)
Inigo: Help him.
Buttercup: Why does Westley need helping? (Helps Westley)
Inigo: Because he has no strength.
Humperdinck: I knew it! I knew you were bluffing! I knew he was... bluffing.
Inigo: Shall I dispatch him for you?
Westley: Thank you, but no. Whatever happens to us, I want him to live a long life, alone with his cowardice.
Fezzik: (Outside) Inigo! Inigo! (They all rush to the window) Where are you? Oh, there you are. Inigo, I was at the Prince's stables, and there they were-- four white horses. And I thought, there are four of us-- if we ever find the lady... hello, lady!... so I took them with me, in case we ever bumped into each other. And I guess we just did.
Inigo: Fezzik, you did something right.
Fezzik: Don't worry. I won't let it go to my head. (Buttercup jumps and Fezzik catches her.)
Inigo: You know, it's very strange... I have been in the revenge business so long; now that it's over, I don't know what to do with the rest of my life.
Westley: Have you ever considered piracy? You'd make a wonderful Dread Pirate Roberts. (Westley falls and they all gallop away.)
Grandfather: "They rode to freedom, and as dawn arose, Westley and Buttercup knew they were safe. A wave of love swept over them; and as they reached for each other ---"
(Back to the bedroom)
Granddaughter: What? What??
Grandfather: Nah, it's kissing again. You don't wanna hear that.
Granddaughter: Well... I don't mind so much.
Grandfather: Ah... okay. "Since the invention of the kiss, there have been five kisses that were rated the most passionate, the most pure. This one left them all behind." (Buttercup and Weastley kiss) The end. Now, I think you oughtta go to sleep.
Granddaughter: Okay.
Grandfather: All right. Okay. ...Okay. ...Okay. All right. So long.
Granddaughter: Grandpa? ...Maybe you could come over and read it again to me tomorrow.
Grandfather: As you wish.
THE END!!!!
(At the end of the whole thing, the cast comes out and is about to take a bow when they hear.... nothing.)
Draco- WHAT?! (Huffs) Six months worth of work and no applause?!
(Chirp Chirp)
Various Hufflepuff- Kiss her again!!!!
Draco- (shrugs, kissing Hermione again while Harry struggles to keep Ron from killing Draco. There is a standing ovation.)
Bastet- (Walks up on stage.) Thank you, Hogwarts, for allowing we some 92 of us cliche you!
Hermione and Harry- 92 of you?
Bastet- You think I could pull this off on my own? Oh, and you may want to re-vamp your potions essay. Sevvie darling is such a stick in the mud, but he's not grading on length like he says, but on what's all in it.
Harry: (blinks, then grins.) Uh-huh... (Hugs Bastet) Care for a tutor job...?
Bastet- (grins back and they walk off.)
Ron- What the hell? (Shakes head and grumbles.)
Hermione- Well, I wasn't expecting that.
Draco- Why not? This is a cliche, my darling Hermione.
Hermione- Why, I do believe you're right, my true love.
(Draco and Hermione link arms and exit stage right while the remaining cast restrain Ron and Severus looks fuming at his cover being blown by his....)
Harry- (Off stage) YOU'RE HIS WHAT?!?!?!
A/N- Well, that's that. Little ficcie. Oh, and by the way, Bastet comes from an unfinished (for now, anyways) fic of mine. I'm revamping the whole thing of "Black Velvet". In it... she's Sev's adopted daughter... So that's what that whole thing is about. Oh well. Have fun....!!!
T.A.S.M.
Fezzik: I'm sorry, Inigo... I didn't mean to jog him so hard. ...Inigo?
Inigo: Father... I have failed you for twenty years. Now our misery can end. Somewhere, somewhere close by is a man who can help us. I cannot find him alone; I need you. I need you to guide my sword. Please... guide my sword (His sword guides him to the tree, where he leans on the secret knot. They go down and find Westley. Fezzik listens for a heartbeat.)
Fezzik: He's dead.
Inigo: This is not fair..
(Bedroom)
Granddaughter: Grandpa, grandpa, wait, wait. What did Fezzik mean, "he's dead"? I mean, he didn't mean... dead? Westley's only faking, right?
Grandfather: You want me to read this, or not?
Granddaughter: Who gets Humperdinck?
Grandfather: I don't understand.
Granddaughter: Who kills Prince Humperdinck? At the end! Somebody's gotta do it. Is it Inigo? Who?
Grandfather: Nobody. Nobody kills him. He lives.
Granddaughter: You mean he wins? Jesus, Grandpa, what did you read me this thing for?
Grandfather: You know, you've been very sick, and you're taking this story very seriously. I think we oughtta stop now. (shuts book)
Granddaughter: No... I'm okay, I'm okay. Sit down. I'm all right.
Grandfather: Okay. All right now, let's see, where were we? Ohh yes. In the Zoo of Death.
(Back in the Zoo of Death)
Inigo: The Montoyas have never taken defeat easily. Come along, Fezzik; bring the body.
Fezzik: The body?
Inigo: Have you any money?
Fezzik: I have a little.
Inigo: I just hope it's enough to buy a miracle, that's all.
(They go to a small cottage where Inigo pounds on the door.)
Miracle Max/Seamus: Go away! (knock knock knock) What? What?
Inigo: Are you the Miracle Max who worked for the king all those years?
Max: The king's stinking son fired me. And thank you so much for bringing up such a painful subject. While you're at it why don't you give me a nice papercut and pour lemon juice on it? We're closed! (slams the door, followed by more knocking.) Beat it, or I'll call the Brute Squad.
Fezzik: I'm on the Brute Squad.
Max: You ARE the Brute Squad.
Inigo: We need a miracle. It's very important.
Max: Look, I'm retired. And besides, why would you want somebody the king's stinking son fired? I might kill whoever you wanted me to miracle.
Inigo: He's already dead.
Max: He is, huh? I'll take a look. Bring him in. (lifts Westley's arm, and it flops back down.) I've seen worse.
Inigo: Sir? Sir?
Max: Huh?
Inigo: We're in a terrible rush.
Max: Don't rush me, sonny. You rush a miracle man, you get rotten miracles. You got money?
Inigo: Sixty-five.
Max: Sheesh. I never work for so little. Except once; and that was a very noble cause.
Inigo: This is noble, sir. His wife is... cripple. His children are on the brink of starvation.
Max: Are you a rotten liar.
Inigo: I need him to help me avenge my father, murdered these twenty years.
Max: Your first story was better. Where's that bellows cram? He probably owes you money, ah? Well, I'll ask him.
Inigo: He's dead. He can't talk.
Max: Woo hoo hoo! Look who knows so much, heh! Well, it just so happens that your friend here is only MOSTLY dead. There's a big difference between mostly dead and all dead. Please, open his mouth. Now, mostly dead, he's slightly alive. Now, all dead, well, with all dead, there's usually only one thing you can do.
Inigo: What's that?
Max: Go through his clothes and look for loose change. ...Hey! Hello in there! What's so important? What'cha got here that's worth living for? (Presses his lungs)
Westley: Trruuueee..... lloooovve...
Inigo: "True love!" You heard him? You could not ask for a more noble cause than that.
Max: Yeah, sonny... true love is the greatest thing in the world. Except for a nice MLT: mutton, lettuce, and tomato sandwich, when the mutton is nice and lean, and the tomato is ripe... they're so perky; I love that. But that's not what he said! He distinctly said, "To blave..." and as we all know, "to blave" means "to bluff!" So you were probably playing cards, and he cheated! And... (Valerie/Lavender runs in)
Valerie: Liar! Liar! Liar!!
Max: Get back, witch!
Valerie: I'm not a witch, I'm your wife! But after what you just said, I'm not even sure I wanna be that anymore!
Max: You never had it so good.
Valerie: "True love," he said, "true love," Max!
Max: Don't say another word, Valerie!
Valerie: He's afraid. Ever since Prince Humperdinck fired him, his confidence is shattered!
MAX: Why'd you have to say that name? You promised me that you would never say that name!
Valerie: What? Humperdinck? Aaah! Humperdinck! Aah. Humperdinck, Humperdinck, I'm not listening! Humperdinck! ... True love lies expiring, and you don't have the decency to say why you won't help!
Max: Nobody's hearin' nothin'!
Valerie: Humperdinck! Humperdinck!
Inigo: This is Buttercup's true love! If you heal him, he will stop Humperdinck's wedding!
Max: Wait. Wait. If I make him better, Humperdinck suffers?
Inigo: Humiliations galore.
Max: Ha haa! (Sings) That is a noble cause. Gimme the sixty-five. I'm on the job
Valerie: Woo hoo!
(Sees the miracle pill.)
Inigo: That's a miracle pill?
Valerie: The chocolate coating makes it go down easier. But, you have to wait fifteen minutes for full potency. And, he shouldn't go in swimming after for at least... what?
Max: An hour.
Valerie: Yeah, an hour.
Max: A good hour. Yeah.
Inigo: Thank you for everything.
Max: Okay.
Valerie: Bye bye, boys.
Max: Have fun storming the castle!
Valerie: Think it'll work?
Max: It would take a miracle. Bye bye!
(On the castle wall. Fezzik and Inigo are carrying Westley.)
Fezzik: Inigo! There's more than thirty.
Inigo: What's the difference? We've got him. Help me here. We'll have to force-feed him.
Fezzik: Has it been fifteen minutes?
Inigo: We can't wait. The wedding's in half an hour. We must strike in the hustle and the bustle before hand. Tilt his head back. Open his mouth.
Fezzik: How long do we have to wait before if we know the miracle works?
Inigo: Your guess is as good as mine.
Westley: I beat you both apart! I'll take you both together!
Fezzik: I guess not very long.
Westley: Why won't my arms move?
Fezzik: You've been mostly dead all day.
Inigo: We had Miracle Max make a pill to bring you back.
Westley: Who are you? Are we enemies? Why am I on this wall? Where's Buttercup?
Inigo: Let me explain: --no, there is too much. Let me sum up: Buttercup is marry Humperdinck in little less than half an hour. So all we have to do is get in, break up the wedding, steal the Princess, make our escape-- after I kill Count Rugen.
Westley: That doesn't leave much time for dilly-dallying. wiggle
Fezzik: You just wiggled your finger! That's wonderful!
Westley: I've always been a quick healer. What are our liabilities?
Inigo: There is but one working castle gate. And it is guarded by... (He helps Westley see over the wall) sixty men.
Westley: And our assets?
Inigo: Your brains. Fezzik's strength. My steel.
Westley: That's it? Impossible. Maybe if I had a month to plan I could come up with something, but this... (Shakes his head)
Fezzik: You just shook your head! That doesn't make you happy?
Westley: My brains, his steel, and your strength against sixty men and you think a little head-jiggle is supposed to make me happy? Hmm? (Fezzik smiles.) I mean, if we only had a wheelbarrow, that would be something.
Inigo: Where did we put that wheelbarrow the albino had?
Fezzik: Well, with the albino, I think.
Westley: Well, why didn't you list that with our assets in the first place? (Sigh) What I wouldn't give for a holocaust cloak.
Inigo: There we cannot help you.
Fezzik: Will this do?
Inigo: Where did you get that?
Fezzik: At Miracle Max's. It fit so nice, he said I could keep it.
Westley: All right, all right, help me up. Now, I'll need a sword eventually.
Inigo: Why? You can't even lift one.
Westley: True, but that's hardly common knowledge, is it? (His head flops and Fezzik lifts it.) Thank you. Now, there may be problems once we're inside.
Inigo: I'll say. How do I find the Count? Once I do, how do I find you again? Once I find you again, how do we escape?
Fezzik: Don't pester. He's had a hard day.
Inigo: Right. Right. Sorry. (Fezzik nods Westley's head.)
Fezzik: Inigo!
Inigo: What?
Fezzik: I hope we win.
(Chapel. Humperdinck and Buttercup are kneeing and whispering.)
Humperdinck: You don't seem excited, my little muffin.
Buttercup: Should I be?
Humperdinck: Brides often are, I'm told.
Buttercup: I do not marry tonight. My Westley will save me. (An old bishop/Neville waves the couple standing.)
Bishop: Mawwage. Mawwage is what bwings us togethah today. Mawwage, that bwessed awwangement, that dweam within a dweam.
(Outside the gates)
Yellin: Stand your ground!
Fezzik: (In the cloak and on the wheelbarrow) I am the Dread Pirate Roberts! There will be no survivors!
Inigo: Now?
Westley: Not yet.
Fezzik: I am here. My men are here... but soon you will not be here.
Inigo: Now?
Westley: Light him.
Fezzik: The Dread Pirate Roberts takes no survivors. All your worst nightmares are about to come true! (Everyone scatters.)
(Chapel)
Bishop: Then wove-- twue wove-- will fowww you fowevaw...
(Outside the gates)
Fezzik: The Dread Pirate Roberts is here for your souls!!
(Chapel)
Bishop: So tweasuah your wove...
Humperdinck: Skip to the end.
Bishop: Have you the wing?
Buttercup: Here comes my Westley now.
(Outside the gates)
Westley: Fezzik! The portcullis! (He thrusts it open, cornering Yellin.)
(Chapel)
Humperdinck: Your Westley is dead. I killed him myself.
Buttercup: Then why is there fear behind your eyes?
(Outside the gates)
Westley: Give us the gate key.
Yellin: I have no gate key.
Inigo: Fezzik, tear his arms off.
Yellin: Oh, you mean this gate key.
(Chapel)
Bishop: And do you, Pwincess Buhhcwup...
Humperdinck: "Man and wife!" Say "man and wife!"
Bishop: Man and wife.
Humperdinck: Escort the bride to the honeymoon suite. I'll be there shortly.
Buttercup: He didn't come.
(In the first corridor)
Rugen: (Sees the three.) Kill the dark one and the giant, but leave the third for questioning. (The men attack and Inigo kills them all.)
Inigo: Hello. My name is Inigo Montoya. You killed my father. Prepare to die. (The Count runs away and Inigo follows after him. Rugen then locks a door and Inigo tries pounding on it.)
Inigo: Fezzik! I need you!
Fezzik: I can't leave him alone.
Inigo: He's getting away from me, Fezzik! Please!! Fezzik!
Fezzik: I'll be right back. (Fezzik leaves Westley in a statue and goes to Inigo, slamming his fist into the door. It opens.)
Inigo: Thank you.
(In the hallway)
King: Strange wedding.
Queen: Yes. A very strange wedding. Come along now. (Buttercup kisses his cheek.)
King: What was that for?
Buttercup: Because you've always been so kind to me, and I won't be seeing you again, since I'm killing myself once we reach the honeymoon suite.
King: Won't that be nice. ...She kissed me!
(Various castle room)
(The Count is being followed by Inigo. Rugen pulls out a Flornese dagger, and throws it at Inigo. It hits him in the stomach.)
Inigo: I'm sorry, father. I tried. I tried.
Rugen: You must be that little Spanish brat I taught a lesson to all those years ago. Simply incredible. Have you been chasing me your whole life, only to fail now? I think that's the worst thing I've ever heard. How marvellous.
(In the honeymoon suite)
(Buttercup looks through all of her 'husband's daggers and picks one up. She holds it against her chest and is about to shove it through her heart when she hears Westley.)
Westley: There is a shortage of perfect breasts in this world. 'Twould be a pity to damage yours
Buttercup: Westley! Oh, Westley, darling! (She starts to kiss him and he tries to kiss back.) Westley, why don't you hold me?
Westley: Gently.
Buttercup: At a time like this, that's all you can think to say? "Gently"? (She grabs his face, planting one on his lips.)
Westley: Gently! (He falls back, hitting his head.)
(Various castle room)
(Inigo pulls the dagger out and starts to stand, falling back once or twice.)
Rugen: Good heavens. Are you still trying to win? You've got an overdeveloped sense of vengeance. It's going to get you into trouble some day. (They start to duel)
Inigo: Hello. My name is Inigo Montoya. You killed my father. Prepare to die. Hello. My name is Inigo Montoya. You killed my father. Prepare to die. Hello! My name is Inigo Montoya. You killed my father. Prepare to die! (They fight even more aggressively.)
Rugen: Stop saying that!
Inigo: Hello! My name is Inigo Montoya! You killed my father! Prepare to die!! (Inigo dissarms Rugen, slashing one cheek.)
Rugen: No!
Inigo: Offer me money. (Slashs the other cheek.)
Rugen: Yes.
Inigo: Power too, promise me that.
Rugen: All that I have and more. Please.
Inigo: Offer me everything I ask for.
Rugen: Anything you want.
Inigo: (Stabs Rugen through the heart.) I want my father back, you son of a bh.
(Honeymoon suite)
Buttercup: Oh Westley, will you ever forgive me?
Westley: What hideous sin have you committed lately?
Buttercup: I got married. I didn't want to; it all happened so fast.
Westley: It never happened.
Buttercup: What?
Westley: It never happened.
Buttercup: But it did! I was there! This old man said "man and wife!"
Westley: Did you say "I do"?
Buttercup: Oh, no... we sort of skipped that part.
Westley: Then you're not married. You didn't say it, you didn't do it. ...Wouldn't you agree, your Highness? (Humperdinck is standing at the door, sword drawn. He begins to enter.)
Humperdinck: A technicality that will shortly be remedied. But first things first. To the death!
Westley: No! To the pain.
Humperdinck: (Pause) I don't think I'm quite familiar with that phrase.
Westley: I'll explain. And I'll use small words so you'll be sure to understand, you warthog-faced buffoon.
Humperdinck: That may be the first time in my life a man has dared insult me.
Westley: It won't be the last. "To the pain" means the first thing you lose will be the feet, below the ankles. Then your hands, at the wrists; next, your nose.
Humperdinck: And then my tongue, I suppose. I killed you too quickly the last time, a mistake I don't mean to duplicate tonight.
Westley: I wasn't finished! The next thing you lose will be your left eye, followed by your right.
Humperdinck: And then my ears, I understand, let's get on with it.
Westley: Wrong! Your ears you keep, and I'll tell you why: so that every shriek of every child at seeing your hideousness will be yours to cherish; every babe that weeps at your approach, every woman who cries out, "Dear God, what is that THING?" will echo in your perfect ears. That is what "to the pain" means; it means I will leave you in agony, wallowing in freakish misery forever.
Humperdinck: I think you're bluffing.
Westley: It's possible, pig. I might be bluffing. It's conceivable, you miserable vomitous mass, that I'm only lying here because I lack the strength to stand. Then again... perhaps I have the strength after all. (Stands) Drop... your... sword. (Humperdinck's sword clatters.) Have a seat. (He sits in a chair.) Tie him up. Make it as tight as you like. Ow!
Inigo: (Entering) Where's Fezzik?
Westley: I thought he was with you.
Inigo: No.
Westley: In that case...mmm... (One knee buckles.)
Inigo: Help him.
Buttercup: Why does Westley need helping? (Helps Westley)
Inigo: Because he has no strength.
Humperdinck: I knew it! I knew you were bluffing! I knew he was... bluffing.
Inigo: Shall I dispatch him for you?
Westley: Thank you, but no. Whatever happens to us, I want him to live a long life, alone with his cowardice.
Fezzik: (Outside) Inigo! Inigo! (They all rush to the window) Where are you? Oh, there you are. Inigo, I was at the Prince's stables, and there they were-- four white horses. And I thought, there are four of us-- if we ever find the lady... hello, lady!... so I took them with me, in case we ever bumped into each other. And I guess we just did.
Inigo: Fezzik, you did something right.
Fezzik: Don't worry. I won't let it go to my head. (Buttercup jumps and Fezzik catches her.)
Inigo: You know, it's very strange... I have been in the revenge business so long; now that it's over, I don't know what to do with the rest of my life.
Westley: Have you ever considered piracy? You'd make a wonderful Dread Pirate Roberts. (Westley falls and they all gallop away.)
Grandfather: "They rode to freedom, and as dawn arose, Westley and Buttercup knew they were safe. A wave of love swept over them; and as they reached for each other ---"
(Back to the bedroom)
Granddaughter: What? What??
Grandfather: Nah, it's kissing again. You don't wanna hear that.
Granddaughter: Well... I don't mind so much.
Grandfather: Ah... okay. "Since the invention of the kiss, there have been five kisses that were rated the most passionate, the most pure. This one left them all behind." (Buttercup and Weastley kiss) The end. Now, I think you oughtta go to sleep.
Granddaughter: Okay.
Grandfather: All right. Okay. ...Okay. ...Okay. All right. So long.
Granddaughter: Grandpa? ...Maybe you could come over and read it again to me tomorrow.
Grandfather: As you wish.
THE END!!!!
(At the end of the whole thing, the cast comes out and is about to take a bow when they hear.... nothing.)
Draco- WHAT?! (Huffs) Six months worth of work and no applause?!
(Chirp Chirp)
Various Hufflepuff- Kiss her again!!!!
Draco- (shrugs, kissing Hermione again while Harry struggles to keep Ron from killing Draco. There is a standing ovation.)
Bastet- (Walks up on stage.) Thank you, Hogwarts, for allowing we some 92 of us cliche you!
Hermione and Harry- 92 of you?
Bastet- You think I could pull this off on my own? Oh, and you may want to re-vamp your potions essay. Sevvie darling is such a stick in the mud, but he's not grading on length like he says, but on what's all in it.
Harry: (blinks, then grins.) Uh-huh... (Hugs Bastet) Care for a tutor job...?
Bastet- (grins back and they walk off.)
Ron- What the hell? (Shakes head and grumbles.)
Hermione- Well, I wasn't expecting that.
Draco- Why not? This is a cliche, my darling Hermione.
Hermione- Why, I do believe you're right, my true love.
(Draco and Hermione link arms and exit stage right while the remaining cast restrain Ron and Severus looks fuming at his cover being blown by his....)
Harry- (Off stage) YOU'RE HIS WHAT?!?!?!
A/N- Well, that's that. Little ficcie. Oh, and by the way, Bastet comes from an unfinished (for now, anyways) fic of mine. I'm revamping the whole thing of "Black Velvet". In it... she's Sev's adopted daughter... So that's what that whole thing is about. Oh well. Have fun....!!!
T.A.S.M.