I See Talking Snakes
Chapter 3: Beware Cows Are Amongst Us!
The train finally came to a complete stop, and Hermione, with some help from Harry, was able to make Ron stop screaming. Harry glanced at Ginny, but looked away when she blew a kiss and winked at him. He remembered when he first met Ginny---she was so little and innocent. Now that he thought about it, he felt guilty. He shouldn't allow Ginny to act in this way---even if the kiss was totally worth it.
Harry turned his attention to everyone else unloading from the train. First the stiff-backed twins walked elegantly out the door, the nude crowd (Harry didn't look too long at them) strolled out, Sir Hump-a-lot (who at the time was chasing a girl trying to get to her cat) ran out, then came Neville and Dean glancing at one another with little mirrors while Seamus did a double back-flip out of the train.
Somehow, Harry, Ron, Hermione, and Ginny all managed to get through all the craziness and off the train. Harry looked around the crowd, his attention turned to a large man in pink.It was Hagrid. He stared open-mouthed up at Hagrid; he was in a long, pink dress with a pink, laced umbrella. The dress had ruffles on the sleeves and the top half was velvet. Harry never imagined he'd see Hagrid in this manner, he seemed too masculine. Hermione also stared in awe as Ron burst out in laughter (which sounded more likes sobs.)
"Why hello there Harry, how would you and your friends like to come over for some tea. I have decorated my house to look more, like me. It's adorned in lovely roses, and lace curtains. Wait until you all come to see it, I'm so excited." Hagrid said in a voice even more bizarre than his appearance. He sounded like a woman with a deep voice, such as Madam Maxime (who Harry hasn't met yet so it's even more odd for him to hear).
"Well," Hagrid began again as he started to turn, "I better sort out this group. My, my, children can be little heathens." He said as he waved his hand, curtsying before he left.
Harry pulled Hermione, Ron, and Ginny into an empty carriage, trying to avoid other students at all costs. When they arrived at Hogwarts, Professor McGonagall came out looking perfectly normal, until she sang.
"Come with meeeeee children to Hogwarts School." She sang this in the most beautiful opera voice. Harry was amazed, but decided to expect more unusual things throughout the day; he couldn't wait to see Dumbledore, but would Dumbledore change? Harry pictured Dumbledore in a long red dress and a big bowed red hat, causing him to giggle in his misty way.
Suddenly Snape popped out of one of the carriages, looking around desperately until he spotted his love and yelled joyously:
"Hermione, my love, come to me!!" As he said this he swung his arms wide open and ran towards her, a passionate look plastered on his face that disgusted both Harry and Ron. Hermione turned around and was about to run to her lover, but Ron quickly grabbed her.
"No Hermione, remember Will-POWER!!" Ron said in his quivering voice. Snape still came running and Ron struggled to keep Hermione still. Suddenly, out of the blue, a girl ran over and knocked Snape down and started kissing him harshly. At this Hermione swore at the girl and tried to pull out her wand to curse her, but Ron briskly grabbed her wand and tossed it to Harry. The girl looked up at Harry, Ron, and Hermione and said:
"I am Evil Fire Witch, you better stay OFF my hubby girl!! Sevy, baby, stay away from that scary little girl." The girl stands up and then sits on a nearby rock. "Come Sevy baby, and sit in momma's lap." Hermione swore like a dirty sailor. Harry and Ron gawked at her amazed she knew half of those words. Hermione almost managed to escape but Ron did something that even made Harry and Ginny gasp. He grabbed Hermione in his arms and kissed her—not on the cheek---but full frontal on the mouth. She struggled a moment, then she threw her arms around him returning it. Harry and Ginny exchanged awed looks---but all the same Harry had a feeling they liked each other. Ron sure picked the strangest time to---er---reveal his feelings.
Harry looked over at the new girl, Harry had to admit this girl was very pretty; she had long, brown hair, hazel eyes, and a very pretty shaped face. She also wore a long black, silk, very tight dress with red flames adorning it.
He shook his head, and then he looked back over at Ginny. He removed his cloak and quickly wrapped it around her, for his eyes weren't the only ones memorized by her new look. She restlessly obeyed.
It took a while for Ron and Hermione to---stop confessing their feelings. They eventually all walked inside, Harry looked up to see Peeves the Poltergeist yelling at all the other ghosts for throwing water balloons at the first years. Then when Harry looked past the circus-like crowd of students he saw his second-year professor---Professor Lockhart. Apparently the new Defense Against the Dark Arts teacher was in his office, and Lockhart came to reclaim his right to teach---thanks to the curse. Lockhart was acting too strange to do so, however. He had his wand in his hand and he constantly hit himself in the head with it yelling,
"Ahoy! Cow's walk amongst us people! Fear them for they shall take your very lives! They come in herds destroying everything in their sight. Beware!"
Harry goggled at him. For when Harry met Lockhart, he seemed extremely conceited, and well refined---in truth he was a lying git and a coward. Now he was some lunatic ranting about deadly cows? It was weird, despite the fact that Lockhart was always a lunatic.
Looking past the ridiculous Lockhart Harry could see Filch. Now Filch was as nasty towards the students as he looked (which is horrible), but his change was incredibly different. For he had shaved his beard, brushed his teeth to almost white, and wore very nice clothing. Perhaps he'd be nice to the students, some people seemed to be acting the opposite of how they usually act. However, Filch didn't in this case. He wasn't nice to the students. Harry saw him running up to un-expectant students and de-panting them. He seemed to enjoy this very much; his face would malevolently light up. Finally Filch approached the nude crowd, he stared at them, eyebrows raised, then turned on his heel and ran out of the room screaming, for he had no pants to pull.
Harry saw his fellow Gryffindor and Quidditch captain Oliver Wood. Wood was standing by the staircase staring at the moving pictures.
"I see talking snakes?" Harry asked meaning to say "Wood?" Wood wheeled around, his eyebrows raised.
"You do---well I'm sorry. This place is interesting---I mean---" He bent over and whispered in Harry's ear. "The staircases move." Harry stifled a giggle. Wood had no idea who or where he was.
Harry pulled a book out of his robes, "Quidditch Through the Ages," to hopefully remind Wood of something. Wood's eyes lit up.
"I need a broomstick---must play the game consisting of four balls---two the same---bludgers for the two beaters to hit, a snitch for the seeker, and a quaffle for the three chasers. I can be---keeper! Yes must play!" He then ran out of the hallway yelling "QUIDDITCH!!!!!" Harry stared---his mouth gaped open. He only knows Quidditch---that makes sense---not much of a change from before.
After trying to get past the insane crowd of students, teachers, and ghosts, they all made it to the Gryffindor table. Harry sighed in relief, until he saw Draco making out with this girl Harry new as Skye. Harry gagged at the repulsive sight because no girl should have Draco. He's just a plain git, but at least he had the decency to put his shirt on! Ron punched Harry's arm hard, Harry turned around and saw Ron point at Professor Dumbledore. He was in fact perfectly normal, he spoke normal when he greeted everyone, and looked normal, until he pointed out he had a large mole by the side of his nose. It wasn't noticeable to Harry until he squinted his eyes and looked very hard because Dumbledore's crooked nose covered it a bit. Finally Dumbledore stood up and attempted to quiet the hall, he was successful after a few fireworks burst out of his wand. He cleared his throat, and began to say: