Part Four

Buffy stared at Angel in silence. She couldn't believe her ears, he was so cold, so empty yet so adamant she leave. If what Gunn told her was true, then if she left now, it could well be the last time she saw him alive. He'd said 18 months, but Buffy wasn't sure Angel would last another 18 days he looked so ill.

"Why?" She asked the man sat opposite her pleadingly.

"Why? Why not? You came to take out an evil, possibly still souled vampire; Well I'm neither evil nor a vampire so why stay?" He tried to keep the bitterness from his voice and it wasn't hard. It took an inordinate amount of effort just feel the slightest emotion these days.

"I came because Gunn said you needed my help!"

"He was wrong," The neutrality in Angel's voice was getting her incredibly frustrated. If he'd yelled, screamed and bitched at her, then she could deal with it. But he didn't, he just sat there impassively, she asked a question, he'd bluntly answer, in a tone of voice that revealed nothing as to the reasoning behind his response.

"Sure you don't need help, have seen yourself lately?? And you know you can do that now, BEING HUMAN!" Buffy stood and paced in frustrated fury. "You're Human, and... You're sick... and GOD, What the hell is wrong with you? How can me leaving, help you! Explain this to me please!"

"How can you staying help me either?"

Buffy deflated, he was right, how could her staying help him? She could try and force him to get medical help, but really what good was that in the long run, when he was in the state he was in?

"I don't know."

"Go home Buffy,"

It had been an hour since the door had clicked shut marking Buffy's departure from his life once again. Angel still sat on the tatty couch. He wasn't brooding, brooding involved guilt and guilt was an emotion, a feeling, and he was numb. He'd been numb for 6 months, numb since he hadn't said goodbye to Wes, Spike and even Ilyria. Numb since he'd lead his friends blindly to their deaths, pointlessly. True Wolfram and Hart was gone. Oh yes it was gone, turns out the senior partners weren't as good as they would have had every one believe, without the circle of the black thorn to do their dirty work, they had to start from scratch. So for now, he and Gunn were safe. Soon Gunn would be on his own, but he doubted the partners would look for a crippled ex demon-hunter, who lived in a slum with his aunt and cousins, telling stories to youngsters about the battles he'd fought in his glory days. No he was pretty sure Gunn would be ok.

He'd been if not content, then at least not upset to spend his last days here in the city where he'd allowed himself become completely absorbed in his own delusions of a mission, a destiny and self worth. The truth of the matter was he was just a pawn, a willing, guilt ridden little puppet that the powers liked to play with and make do their dirty work. So he would spend the last few months of his life with as much dignity as he could. He wasn't suicidal, he didn't want to stop living, and he certainly wasn't looking forward to hell; there were plenty of things he wanted to do. He wanted to see the world in glorious sunlight, he wanted to walk the Great Wall of China, he wanted a second chance at being a good parent, he wanted to tell his son he loved him. He wanted to go home and say a proper goodbye to his Sister and Mother, he wanted to tell his father he was sorry and he finally understood. He wanted to lay white roses on their graves. He wanted to take his first communion in 260 years, he wanted to get married.

He wanted to remember what it felt like to be loved, he wanted the last 5 1/2 years to be a lie. He wanted to go back to a time when Buffy loved him, trusted him. Thinking back over his relationship with the blonde slayer he had come to one conclusion, she never had and that would have hurt if he could feel. He loved her with everything he was until he'd raised his sword and jumped into the battle against the hordes sent by the partners. He'd switched off all of the emotions he had during the fight, as one by one his friends had fallen around him. Now when he saw her, the only thing he remembered was the times she'd said she didn't trust him, three times to be exact. The first back when their love was so new, when she'd found out about Drusilla, the second in that police station when she'd come thinking he'd bend to her, forget his own convictions in the face of her anger and need for revenge and that third time when she'd told him by proxy, through the twerp Andrew, she'd hadn't even thought to tell him face to face.

When he'd gone to Italy to... he wasn't sure now why he'd gone, but when he had, he'd found out again through the idiot about Buffy's feelings. That short but pivotal trip back to Europe had lead to a startling and, at the time, frighteningly painful revelation. She had never loved him anywhere near as much as he had loved her, if at all. At best he was a teenage crush, at worst an act of rebellion by a lonely, angry slayer embittered by her calling. At the time the pain had been so great, it had driven him first to drink and then into the arms of another blonde. A werewolf with a crush, a poor foolish little girl who thought he could feel for her, even when his heart was taken and then destroyed.

And now Buffy was in LA. He didn't have the sense of smell he used to have, so he had no way of checking if she was still with The Immortal. Was he now helping them, because of her? It was easy to imagine, he wasn't the only creature of the night to fall for her charms, to be sucked in by her illusion of innocence. Now she had come to his town, primarily to kill him. He wasn't sure what to feel about that. He supposed he should be grateful, that they would go to any lengths to make sure the evil that once existed within him wouldn't be left to roam free. It was irrelevant now, he wasn't evil and she would leave.

He felt his chest tightening and gripped the cushions on the couch. Squeezing his eyes shut he took deep breaths, it didn't stop the pain from coming but it helped him through it. These attacks were coming more frequently now, his heart reminding him of its poor condition, reminding him that the clock was ticking on his mortal existence.

He didn't have the time to see the world now, he hadn't the strength to walk The Great Wall of China, and his son believed him dead and was better off because of it. The logistics of getting to Ireland were impractical and he wasn't sure what was stopping him entering a church, but he hadn't done it yet. No matter how hard he wished he couldn't take back 5 1/2 years and as for feeling love? Well he never would again, all the love he had he'd already given away. So he'd settle for dying with more grace than he'd lived, he wasn't afraid, he didn't long for death, but when it came he would welcome the release.

Buffy felt like she had lead in her shoes as she walked up to her hotel room. He'd told her to leave and she had, but she couldn't help feeling that it was the biggest mistake of her life. The last time she'd seen him there was world of hope in his dark eyes. A confidence she hadn't seen before, at least until she had sent him away. Was this payback? No Angel was many things, but petty usually wasn't one of them. So what could have happened in 18 months to destroy him so much? 'Well he lost all his friends you idiot' she mentally scolded herself, but it was something more than that. They'd both lost people in the past and Angel certainly was no stranger to death. No there was something more. Was it even her place to pry? Five years ago, definitely, 2 years ago she'd have been pushing it, but now? Well logic dictated that it wasn't her place, but her heart very rarely listened to logic, especially where her soulmate was involved.

She was brought out of her inner musing by the voice of her sister slayer, who was stood in the doorway to Willow's room.

"Hey B, can you come in here a minute, we gotta talk."

Buffy frowned, but followed.

She entered the room to find Willow sat, crossed legged, in the centre of the double bed, her posture was relaxed and Buffy thought she may have been meditating. Faith threw herself down on the bed jolting the red head from her inner contemplation. Buffy was startled by the look in her long time best friend's eyes. There was anger, betrayal, pain and no small amount of fear. 'Well at least they aren't black' she thought then mentally slapped herself for it.

The blonde slayer looked from the red head to the brunette and back again. "Guys, what's going on?"

Willow indicated she take a seat on the bed with them. Once Buffy was seated, Faith took a deep breath and looked to the redhead for reassurance.

"B, I uh... look I didn't mean to, but I over heard... Giles talking to Andrew." When she paused, Buffy just raised an eyebrow in confusion and willed her sister slayer to continue with a wave of her hand.

"He said some stuff, nasty stuff, about you, Red, me and... Angel."

"What kind of stuff?"

"He err, said you were fickle and liked your men dangerous and that's why you went with Angel, he uh... called Willow an idiot and he said both me an Angel were cold blooded killers, always were, always would be, his words."

Buffy took a deep breath, still very confused. "ooookay, umm faith isn't this a little 4th grade? So Giles has his dislikes and we've all done things to piss him off, I guess he was just venting, sure what he was saying was really mean, but..."

Faith cut her off with a shake of her head. "You didn't hear him B, he meant it. God, you remember all the shit I was saying back when I was working for the mayor? Remember how I sounded?" At Buffy's nod, she continued. "That's what he sounded like, he believed B. He said the sooner Angel was dead the better off the world would be!!"

Faith was pacing by this time; she threw her hands in the air in exasperation. "How many times has the big guy saved all your Asses? Or the world? Sure when he was vamp he had a complete psycho just below the soul but Angelus is gone! Angel's human and he's dying and..."

Buffy blinked but was still seeing what she thought she was, Faith had punched the wall and now had her hand buried in the plaster work up to her wrist. Leaping off the bed she helped the brunette slayer pull her hand free and they both sat back on the bed.

Turning Faith's bloodied fist over in her hand she inspected the damage. "Nothing broken."

"Thanks, sorry about the wall Red."

Willow just waved it off, she was hardly one to talk, she'd incinerated two pot plants and a shower curtain before she'd had the magics under control earlier. And thinking of...

"Buffy there's more." Willow faced her best friend sadly, what she was about to say would shatter any illusions Buffy had left about her watcher.

"You remember Gunn and Giles having that argument in the Diner?" Buffy nodded. "Well ok, so Faith and I knew Fred, we both met her when we went to LA coz of Angelus."

"Total cutie, skinny little Texan, with a heart just as big, heard all about me from Cordelia but didn't bat a lash when I showed up with Wes. Girl couldn't harm a fly, but she was off the chart smart. When I was there she and Gunn had a thing." Faith chimed in.

"Yeah so," Willow Continued, "We both liked her so we wanted to know what Gunn and Giles were talking about, so we ah... sorta bullied it outta him..."

"And?" Buffy questioned, her curiosity peaked.

"Fred was taken over by the demon goddess Ilyria."

"Like Glory?"

"Sorta, worse in way. Ilyria was an old one, like the demons in the hellmouth are old ones. She ah... turned Fred into a shell, boiled her insides out to make room. She ah... umm... she destroyed Fred's soul, burnt it to nothing."

Buffy gulped and licked her lips nervously, she was liking this less and less. "What has this got to do with Giles, Gunn and Angel?"

Sharing a look with Faith, she continued very glad she'd had time to calm down. "Angel called Giles for help, to save Fred, before Ilyria took full control. Actually he wanted MY help, but only knew how to make contact with me through the council. Giles told him he wouldn't help Wolfram and Hart; but he made it clear he wouldn't help because it was Angel."

"Could he, or...or you have helped?"

"Not really the point B,"

Buffy looked down at her lap, no it wasn't the point. How could her watcher do that? Her thoughts flew back to him and Robin planning Spike's death behind her back. Oh her watcher was more than capable of doing that. Suddenly a thought occurred to her.

"I spoke to Angel." She ignored their confused looks, "He told me to go home, maybe... maybe he thinks that what Giles said... that..."

"That we all feel the same? That maybe Red didn't help of her own choice? That we hate him? Yeah I caught that too when Ace didn't call us the moment he was human. "

It was Buffy's turn to pace. To say she was angry was an understatement; she was furious and hurt. Her watcher, the man she once considered like a father to her had done this, had allowed an innocent to die, what ever his reason they were irrelevant. What else had he done without her knowledge? What else had he implied to Angel when they spoke? When she'd left the ex-vampires home she was swamped with confusion as to his attitude, but the pieces were falling together to form an alarming picture. No wonder he didn't want her around, if he believed she'd let one of his friends die because of where he worked or simply because of who he was. She understood there had been a big battle, had he needed help then but not called for it? Because of what Giles had said? Had that been the only time they'd spoken or had other things been said at other times, like when...

Like she was suddenly possessed by an angry spirit Buffy whirled on her heal and stormed out of the room. Willow and Faith had watched with concern as she'd paced and when she marched out they exchanged worried looks before leaping off the bed in pursuit.

They finally caught up with the irate blonde as she kicked in one of the hotel room doors. Buffy pulled no punches when she found Andrew coming out of the bathroom, a small hotel towel wrapped around his hips and slammed him bodily against the wall.

"Start talking."

"hey, ow, and I thought slayers were supposed to respect their watchers."

"Welcome to the 21st century. And you're not a watcher."

"And hey," Willow spoke up cheerily from her position at the door, "Faith tortured her last watcher."

"Hey! At least I didn't flay a guy alive!" Faith shot back.

"Guys? Not now." Buffy hissed looking over her shoulder at the bickering pair. Turning back to a frightened Andrew, Buffy increased her grip on his throat with her forearm. "You and Giles have been real cosy of late, so I want to know what's been going on. Especial where a tall dark ex vampire is concerned."

"OK hey, No problem, well little problem, coz I can't breath." Buffy released him and stepped back. "You uh... think I could get dressed first?"

"Talk."

"Ok so, you want to know about when I went to see Angel?"

"Stop stalling nerd boy." Faith menaced as she and Willow came further into the room.

"OK so, Giles sent me deep into enemy territory to rescue our troubled slayer."

"Whoa, wait up. Enemy territory?"

"Yeah, Wolfram and Hart. Giles told me all about how evil they all were and stuff before I went."

"You didn't say that to any of them while you were there did you?"

"Well not exactly, I mean I had to keep them sweet, so they'd co-operate. And it was so cool, they had all this high tech stuff and big offices and hey Spike was there."

"Spike?!" The three girls yelped in unison. Then Willow waved her hands excitedly, "oh, Oh, Gunn! He mentioned Spike, it slipped my mind at the time coz you know, Angel, Dying, real important, but hey."

"Uh, oopse, I wasn't supposed to tell you that." Andrew said quietly chewing his lip.

"What else weren't you supposed to tell us?" Buffy fumed. Spike was alive, but thinking back she recalled Gunn saying he was dead, so she'd leave that aside.

"Well uh Giles said mentioning Spike, was uh... I think he said counter productive. But nothing else I think. Oh except that both Spike and Angel were in Rome, before the whole research reunion thing. But I set them straight, how you were in love with the immortal and how you'd moved on and wanted them to as well."

"You. Told. Them. What?" Buffy pronounced each word with care as she stalked the towel clad young man.

"Well uh, Giles mentioned how you were so over them, and how it really creeped you out when they got all stalker on you. And you were all snugly with The Immortal. It was kinda Funny, Angel kept saying something about cookie dough, and me and Spike both thought he was gonna cry, so ughhhhhhhhhhhhhh...." The rest of his sentence was cut off when he found his windpipe clamped in a vice like grip by a seriously pissed off slayer.

"Never think to assume how I feel, especially about Angel." Dropping the slightly blue sci-fi nerd Buffy turned to leave the room more furious than when she had entered it. She was nearly out of the door when Andrew's voice made her stop dead.

"But I wasn't wrong when I told Angel, you didn't trust him right? Coz Giles said..." Again he was cut off, but this time it was Faith that interrupted him, with her fist.

Buffy marched down the hallway and into her room slamming the door behind her. Faith soothed her sore knuckles as she stared after her sister slayer.

"Giles is a dead man." She said with deadly seriousness.

"Think she'll let us watch?" Willow responded, just as serious as the brunette had been.

"Maybe she'll tape it."

tbc