Talek Darkbrook
Hey, great start off. I look forward to reading more. The chapters seemed a little short, but really interesting. Keep going. :)
Thanks. Unfortunately, because of Exams in the middle of the year, I may not be able to update. I'll try updating this one.
clara200 2004-11-03 2 Signed wow! I will add this to my c2 group. I have one on salamadastron. Will you join me.
Sure.
Cuiasodo A good idea ofr a soty but here are a few problems.
-The pace is a bit too fast. It would be better if it went slowly -The note about Redwall at the begining of ch.2 seemed rather pointless. You should have either wwritten more about what was hapening there or left it out completly.
-You need more description. Description would be a perfect solution to the way-to-fast-pace problem -You tend to start sentences with the same words a lot. -You probably should have gradually introduced the reader to the fox and his revolutionary weapon rather that outright tell all.
Other than these details, good idea for a story. Keep going.
About the Details, I've always had trouble with that. That's why I post to Fanfiction. I feel that I can get slightly better with each story, and I have improved alot (read the first chapter of my first fic "The otters vengance, then compare it to this).
The scene with Redwall was to show that the Redwallers were blissfully unaware of the slaughter and likely downfall of Salamandastron.
The weapon was introduced because I actually tried a version before with some of my local friends before posting. They didn't understand how the weapon was working. I decided to put more detail about the weapon.
Finially, I know I start sentences with the same word when I write. It's a thing I'm working out of - its something that proved successful in poetry which I wrote, but not in storytelling. Same with the details. I'm currently attempting to convince my mind that I need to work harder on that.
Again, thanks for reviewing.
Thanks. Unfortunately, because of Exams in the middle of the year, I may not be able to update. I'll try updating this one.
clara200 2004-11-03 2 Signed wow! I will add this to my c2 group. I have one on salamadastron. Will you join me.
Sure.
Cuiasodo A good idea ofr a soty but here are a few problems.
-The pace is a bit too fast. It would be better if it went slowly -The note about Redwall at the begining of ch.2 seemed rather pointless. You should have either wwritten more about what was hapening there or left it out completly.
-You need more description. Description would be a perfect solution to the way-to-fast-pace problem -You tend to start sentences with the same words a lot. -You probably should have gradually introduced the reader to the fox and his revolutionary weapon rather that outright tell all.
Other than these details, good idea for a story. Keep going.
About the Details, I've always had trouble with that. That's why I post to Fanfiction. I feel that I can get slightly better with each story, and I have improved alot (read the first chapter of my first fic "The otters vengance, then compare it to this).
The scene with Redwall was to show that the Redwallers were blissfully unaware of the slaughter and likely downfall of Salamandastron.
The weapon was introduced because I actually tried a version before with some of my local friends before posting. They didn't understand how the weapon was working. I decided to put more detail about the weapon.
Finially, I know I start sentences with the same word when I write. It's a thing I'm working out of - its something that proved successful in poetry which I wrote, but not in storytelling. Same with the details. I'm currently attempting to convince my mind that I need to work harder on that.
Again, thanks for reviewing.