In front of me were three men. They did not look like the people we usually encountered through the Stargate. One of them looked like a slob, and another had an "H" on his head. What did that stand for? The other was wearing a yellow suit. Then I noticed that they were standing in a Goa'uld encampment! No matter what they looked like, it was still trouble. I tried to raise my gun, but the blackness won...

I woke up in a bed. It was a comfortable bed. I looked to my right. Daniel was lying there. I gave him a kick and he woke up.

"Jack? What happened?" he asked.

"I don't know," I whispered back. I looked left and saw Sam just waking up. Teal'c was in the bed next to hers and was now sitting up looking at me.

"Where are we?" asked Sam.

"I have no idea! We used that two way thing. Then I remember seeing three guys and next thing I know I'm here! What time is it?" I asked. I looked down at my watch. There was someone in it. Not the whole body, just a bald and extremely ugly head. "Guys? Does anyone else have an ugly bald guy in their watch?"

"What?" asked Daniel. I saw him look at his watch and widen his eyes in disbelief.

"Good, I'm not going mad," I said. The head in the watch smiled at me and nodded.

"'Ello dudes! 'Ow's it hangin'?" asked the face, "I'm Holly by the way. I'm the computer aboard the ship Red Dwarf! I have an I.Q of 6000!"

"Red Dwarf?" asked Sam.

"Wait 'ere! Don't go anywhere! I'll get the rest of the crew!" said the head. He stayed on the watch but had a far away expression.

"The rest of the crew? Who are they?" asked Daniel.

"In all my years of travel I have not heard of a space craft named Red Dwarf," said Teal'c. I looked at my watch. The door opened. I groped for my weapon and found it wasn't there.

"Aowwww!" shouted a man as he entered the room. He was spinning around. He wore a yellow suit and had fangs. After him came a man with locks and a strong smell. Then the man with an "H" on his head. The face appeared on a screen this time. I looked from them to my team. They all looked shocked. I was also shocked. It's not every day this kind of thing happened. Well, actually, in the SGC it kind of does!

"Ere. I know who you guys are," said the bald head, Holly. "There was a picture of you in a book I was reading. You're those guys aren't you? SG-1 or somfink."

"What book was that?" I asked. The head looked embarrassed. He looked from me to the slob and back to me again.

"The Junior Encyclopaedia of History. It's like that one on space, only it's about history and stuff."

Daniel looked amazed. He looked at the head and then said, "The Junior Encyclopaedia of History?" I thought that was a rather rude thing to say, and evidently so did the head.

"Yeah! You got a problem with that?" asked Holly.

"History? We're in a History book?" asked Daniel, I was now starting to catch on. The Stargate had not gone public! How did anyone even know that we existed.

"Yeah, history! You're dead!" said Holly.

"What?" asked Daniel.

"You're dead! You all died in the year 2072! I don't know what happened... I'm a slow reader," said Holly.

"What year is it now?" asked Sam.

"I don't know? Take 3024 or somethin' like that, add three million years..." said Holly. My eyes widened in shock. So did Daniel's.

"How did we get here?" I asked. Daniel was starting to look guilty. "What is it Daniel?"

"Well, I did drop two of the machines. I put the labels on like I thought I should! I must have got it wrong..." said Daniel sheepishly.

"Which one?" I asked.

"The time travel one," said Daniel.

"Oh, great!" I said.

"Excuse me, but who are you?" said the slob in a very strong Liverpudlian accent.

"We're SG-1! From Earth," I said. "I am Colonel Jack O'Neill. This is my team; Captain Samantha Carter, Dr. Daniel Jackson, and Teal'c."

"But... I'm supposed to be the last human alive," said the man.

"Come to Earth, it's swarming with them!" I said.

"Jack, this is in the future! Earth might not even exist!" said Daniel. He looked at the slob, who looked really happy to see us. The man in the yellow suit went up to Sam. I started to rise out of the bed.

"Hey pretty lady! I'm the Cat!" said the man, "I'd like to make you squeal!" I got up and walked over to the "Cat" and swung him round. I then threw him onto the work table.

"I don't know who you are, but if you don't stop it I'll kill you!" I shouted. The slob ran up to me and tried to pull me off Cat.

"Hey man! He didn't mean no harm! He's a cat!" shouted the slob.

"What?" I asked letting go. The slob looked at me.

"Let's get a beer milkshake," he said.

"A what?" I asked.

"You'll see," he said and showed us out.

We all sat around a table. The slob had now introduced himself as David Lister. The man with the "H" on his head said that his name was Arnold Rimmer and that he was dead. He was apparently a Hologram. Lister told us his crazy story, about how he had smuggled a cat aboard the ship, and was sentenced to eighteen months in stasis. He told of how the rest of the crew had dies, and how Holly had let him out three million years later. He told of the race that had evolved from his pet cat, Frankenstein. Told how Rimmer had been brought back as a hologram.

In return we told them our story, of the Goa'uld, the gate, the SGC, and all the planets we had visited. They listened very closely.

"So, how do you plan to get home?" asked Lister. Teal'c got up and poured himself another drink. Rimmer cringed and whispered under his breath; "Oh god, he's a Jaffa!"

"We don't know! There must be a way!" argued Daniel. I looked at him.

"Why? We don't know that for sure," I said. Daniel looked back at me.

"The book said we don't die until 2072! The book must be right!" said Daniel. I looked at Lister and rolled my eyes.

"He's always like this! Long haired know-it-all," I said. Daniel looked sad for a minute and then brightened up.

"Are there any Goa'uld left?" he asked.

"Yes! Well, there were three million years ago! When we left there were small pockets of Goa'uld resistance. So, I'm not sure whether they'd still be around," said Rimmer.

"Oh. Well, how are we going to get home Daniel?" I asked. Lister looked at me, he looked as though he wanted us to stay. But we couldn't. Daniel thought for a minute and then said;

"I don't know! Ask Sam," I though this was a very good idea.

"Carter? How do we get home?" I asked. Sam looked at me.

"Well, we'd have to make one of the devices that we put on the Stargate, then we'd have to find a Stargate, plug it in, find out how to make it go back three million years, then dial home and... that's it sir!" she explained. I sat there for a second and then turned to Daniel.

"This is all your fault, you know that?" I asked. He nodded. Teal'c walked past Rimmer. Rimmer jumped, then he stood up pretending to go look at some consoles. I sighed, we were never going to get home.

"Well, we can find you a Stargate! I'm not sure about that funny thing you stick on it," Lister said. He turned to Rimmer. "Rimmer, man! Let's get moving!"