"Emma, stay out of it. For once in your life, just stay out of it."
The words just seemed to fall out of my mouth. I didn't have any control over them.
"If only I'd thought of that sooner, but instead I tried to help him. And instead of being patient, instead of giving him a real chance, all I had was pity. All I did was feel bad for him. And maybe that was okay. But telling him that he was pathetic? That he disgusted me? That I'd never really been his friend? That I had just felt sorry for him? That's what sent him over the edge, not your stupid prank. You guys pulled one on him everyday, don't you think he'd become numb to it by then. He knew it was you anyway, but he didn't coming running after you with a gun, did he? He came after me, because it was me who was the worst of them all. I tripped him, Jay. I started a fucking campaign to get him kicked out of the school. I locked him out of the Dot, and humiliated him in front of everyone. You think some paint and feathers made him bring that gun in? You really think so?"
I shouted. It'd been inside me all week. It'd been dying to get out, and I just needed someone to know. The more I thought about it, the more I realized Jay was probably the best person to tell. He had less of a human side than anyone I knew. I imagined telling my Mom, but all I could think about how disappointed she was. I wanted to badly to tell Sean, but he was going through his own guilt issues. I guess I'd reached the point where I didn't care who heard. I was sick of keeping it in.
"Don't be so fucking stupid, Emma. The kid was a psycho, an accident waiting to happen. You're giving yourself too much credit. Hell, everyone is. Sean thinks it's his fault. Spinner and Alex are blaming themselves. Now so are you. The kid went off the deep end, and there's nothing anyone could have done to stop it. I sure as hell don't blame myself, and you shouldn't either. Think about it. He put some girl in a coma. Alex, as tough as she is, was fucking afraid of him. And that time at the Dot, he was about to rip you to shreds. What would you have thought about him then? Would you feel bad, because I don't really think you would."
He didn't feel bad for me. He didn't show an ounce of sympathy. It was exactly what I needed. All week everyone had asked me if I was okay, or if I needed anything. They wanted to know how I felt, if I needed help. Maybe his words were heartless and cruel, but they really clicked with me. I didn't feel any less guilty, but he'd put things into perspective. He didn't try to tell me that it was okay, and that it wasn't my fault. He didn't offer his shoulder to cry on. He just gave me the truth.
"I have to get to class. Don't worry about what happened with Spinner, if anyone asks I don't know anything."
I couldn't find the words to say thank you, and even if I did he'd probably think I was nuts. How exactly do you thank someone for yelling at you? Thank them for being callous and unsympathetic? I didn't. I couldn't. He watched as I stood up. I could tell he thought I was about to break. He didn't look concerned; it was more like he was looking at the scene of some horrible car accident. Interested in what was going to happen next. Probably wondering if I'd go off the deep end too. And then I did. Instead of walking to Media Immersion, I walked up to him. I kissed him on the cheek.
How typical. He calls me "fucking stupid" and I kiss him. I didn't like him. Actually, most of the time he made my blood boil. I couldn't stand how he seemingly didn't care about anything. But let's face it. The last couple of days he had been there for me. Maybe not in the conventional sense, but his actions had said a lot. It was the only thank you I could give him. He didn't look happy about it or anything, just surprised. He walked away before either one of us could explain it. He was out the door, and I was off to class.
First period. Media Immersion. JT and Liberty were fighting over some school play. Manny was looking at her hair in her compact mirror. Toby was playing some stupid computer game. They'd all gone back to normalcy. I hoped I'd find myself there soon too.