Chapter Eight

-Angel-

The door to my office is shut. I've told Harmony I don't want to be disturbed under any circumstances. I heard her, Buffy that is. I heard what she said when we left the training room and I made up a meeting I had to be at so I could get away from her, because if I were around her one moment more I'd forget I was a man engaged to someone else.

So now I'm sitting here, brooding. What else would I be doing? I'm not sure she knows I heard her. She hasn't been around vampires in five years; maybe she's forgotten I can hear a pin drop in the other room, but then maybe she hasn't. In which case, did she mean for me to hear her? The old Buffy, the one I knew in Sunnydale, used to whisper things when she wanted me to hear them, but didn't want to say them. She knew exactly how good my hearing was. We'd have entire half whispered conversations, because sometimes I could get her to talk like that, because sometimes I could get her to tell me all the things she kept bottled up so tightly.

I stand up and shove myself away from the desk to pace in front of the windows looking onto L.A. I shouldn't be having these feelings for Buffy. Who am I kidding? These feelings for Buffy never went away, I just accepted that she was gone and I had to get on with my life.

That's when Liv walked into my life. She forced me to get out and get on with my life. She'd show up just after sunset and tag along with me, insisting that with me was the safest place she could be. Liv wedged herself into my life. I'm not saying I'm complaining because until the moment Buffy Summers walked into my office, I would have told you I was a happy vampire, relatively happy anyway.

And now I'm getting married in a week and a half. In a week or so I'm going to be human and that pesky gypsy curse that kept Buffy and I from trying to have a future together won't be an issue. She and I had other issues though, other problems. My thoughts wander to that forgotten day. I may become human, but she's still going to be the slayer. I won't fit in her world anymore.

I shake my head and rake my fingers through my hair. She spent the last five years not being the slayer. If I weren't getting married (which I am) to someone else, would we be able to live in a world where she's the slayer and I'm just a human? Would I be able to watch her risk her life, night after night, fighting beside her but knowing in the end this is her destiny and it's going to kill her? Doesn't matter, it's a moot question because I am marrying Liv.

Liv has stuck by me through a lot of things. She never cared that I was a vampire, sure she was a bit surprised at first but show me a person that isn't. She doesn't know about Angelus. He's never tainted her life or our relationship. She doesn't have memories of him killing her friends, of him trying to kill her. Once I become human, that's all I will have ever been to Liv, human.

I am marrying Liv.

-Buffy-

"So, Will, tell me about Angel's fiancée." I'm sitting on a big, cushy couch in Willow and Oz's apartment, a little sore from my training session with Angel earlier that morning, with my hands wrapped around a mug of cocoa. We're having girl time while Oz is out practicing with the Dingoes.

Willow looks a little uncomfortable and glances at me. "Do you want the truth or the best friend version?"

I grin. "The best friend version?"

"She's horrid, not even remotely pretty or nice. She reminds me a lot of Cordy in high school personality wise, without the good parts and uhm..." Willow pauses, searching for more horrible lies to tell.

I chuckle softly. "Okay, now the truth."

Willow shrugs and puts her cocoa on the coffee table. "She's nice. I mean I'm not all in the Liv fan club, but she's friendly, she's open minded. She helps me, Giles and Dawn out with the research sometimes. She's crazy about Angel. And she's pretty. She reminds me a little of you, maybe taller but still blond, tiny, blue eyes."

I gnaw at my lower lip. "Yeah Angel kind of has a type, I mean Darla, Me, Liv, blonde, little. Is he crazy about her?"

Willow tucks a strand of her flame colored hair behind her ear. "I-I'm not sure. I mean he cares about her. He-"she pauses and looks up at me, as if considering whether she should say something or not. "He never looks at her the way he used to look at you."

"What does that mean, Will?"

Willow shrugs. "I don't know really. He used to look at you with this all consuming obsession. You knew just from watching Angel watch you, that you were his world, his universe. It just-it means he doesn't feel the same way about her as he did, maybe does, about you. I'd have to see you two together first to-you know see anything."

"I mean-I don't know. So many things have changed and then sometimes—sometimes it seems like nothing has changed. Things were easier in Siena. I knew what I was going to do that day, what was going to happen and how I would feel about it. Here-since the moment I landed I don't know how I'm going to feel from one second to the next. Introduce Angel into my life and blam it's all outta whack."

Willow smiles at me. "He feels the same way you know. Or at least he used to. He told me once, when he wanted me to look up Ford on the net, that life before you was easy, simple. Then you came along, and suddenly he's jealous of sixteen year old boys."

Confession time, I think. I glance over at Willow and take a sip of my hot chocolate. "You know, Will, the reason I came here-I mean I wanted to see Dawnie and everyone, but the real reason I came here was-was to get Angel back."

Willow laughs. "Duh, of course it was. You don't think I knew that? We're best friends, or...were."

I smile and reach over to grab Willow's hand. I squeeze it. "Still are."

"So, how are you gonna do it?"

I sigh. "I don't know. We're-I don't know where we're at. He kissed me the first time he saw me."

Willow's eyes lit up. "Oooo, what was it like?"

I grin. "It was-it was like it always is with Angel kisses, the whole world fades away."

I tell her about the coffee shop, the walk on the beach and our training session.

Willow takes a deep breath, levels her best resolve face at me and says, "As always, I advise you to talk to him."

"I don't know if I can just do that, Will. I mean he's engaged to be married to someone else," I say.

Willow shrugged. "You'll never know if you don't try."

-Angel-

"You okay, Boss?" Harmony asks, poking her head into my office.

I glance up from my brooding by the window. "I'm fine."

"Okay, uhm—I'm going to go. It's dark and way past regular working hours," she hedges.

I stand up and grab my duster from the coat stand by the door. "I'm going to walk back to my apartment. I'll walk you to your car."

"So are you way excited about the wedding? I got the cutest pink dress to wear. I'm so glad you decided to go with a night time wedding even though the sun won't be a problem then and isn't that weird. I mean you, human. How much does that suck? Well, I guess maybe it won't for you, but now you've got to worry about things like botox and face lifts just to stay looking young," Harmony babbled.

"Yeah, excited."

I'm grateful Harmony's car is parked close. I watch her drive off and then walk into the cool night air. I turn my face up to the night and let instinct dictate where I go. Eventually I will walk back to my apartment, right now I need some time alone, some time to think. I end up in a park. I sit down on a bench, take my shoes and socks off and walk in the cool grass barefoot.

I take a deep breath of night air. The smell of earth rolls over me and I remember crawling out of my grave. I remember the brief moment of panic and then the overwhelming hunger, hunger that clawed its way out of the grave and drank down the groundskeeper in the small cemetery. Bile rises in my throat. I know what I did next. I've lived it a thousand times over in memories, in nightmares. I killed my father, my mother and my baby sister.

My breath is coming in harsh pants. I lean against a tree, fighting to regain control. I don't even notice her until she lays a hand on my shoulder.

"Angel."

I shake my head. "Go away."

"What's wrong? You-somehow you look even more pale then usual," she says.

I turn around and look into her green eyes. She wears concern around them like a pair of spectacles. I shake my head again. "I thought I could just be human. I thought I could forget everything I'd ever done, everything Angelus has ever done. I thought I could forget Mum and Da, Kathy-I thought-I thought I could be human."

She pulls me into her embrace. She's so strong. I always feel like I'm going to break Liv. I can't break Buffy, she's stronger then I ever hoped to be. "Shhh, it's okay. You're alright," she whispers as she rifles her fingers soothingly through my hair.

I wrap my arms around her and hang on so tightly. She'll make everything okay, somehow. That's what she does. Buffy saves me.

Somehow we end up folded on the grass, me wrapped around her like she's a life ring. She's still stroking my hair, my face, my neck and I just want to stay here for a little while longer. I'm so tired of being the hero, being the guy who always saves everyone. I want someone to save me.

"You don't have to forget everything and everyone to be human, Angel. Everything you are right now is all you have to be," Buffy whispers.

"I don't deserve this. I don't deserve a reward. I should be burning in hell for eternity for the things I've done."

She shakes her head. Her golden hair falls around me like rain. "No, you've done so much good. You've saved so many lives. You've redeemed yourself, Angel and I'm not the only one who thinks so."

A streak of lightening cracks the blackness of the sky and thunder makes the ground shudder. The night opens up and rain starts pouring down on us. We scramble up from the grass. I snag my shoes from the bench and we run, hands entwined, toward my apartment.

We don't say anything to each other until we're inside. She's shivering so hard her teeth are chattering.

"You're shaking like a leaf," I whisper, unable to keep myself from repeating words from the past.

"Cold," she says and I wonder if she's aware that she's repeating the same words from the same past.

"Let me get something," I say and lead her into the bedroom. I grab a pair of my sweats and a sweater from the armoire. I could have handed her something of Liv's. It would have fit better. I want to see her dressed in my clothes. I want to smell her scent on them. I hand her the clothes and automatically turn my back, chiding myself for not going in the other room.

"Put those on and get under the covers, just to get warm." It could have been that night, that lifetime. It could still be that night, that lifetime.

I close my eyes, take deep measured breaths and wait. She doesn't wince in pain, of course she doesn't. We haven't been fighting anyone. She doesn't have any cuts on her shoulder blade, not this time. I always wondered about that. I wondered if she'd hissed in half pain, knowing I would want to know why, knowing I'd insist on seeing it. I wondered then if she wanted me that close and I wonder it now.

"Thanks," she mumbles and I open my eyes.

My sweat pants puddle around her bare feet. My sweater hangs down almost to her knees. She looks even tinier, more fragile encased in my clothes. I step into the bathroom, grab a towel and hand it to her. She's still shivering and I know I should move, make some tea, anything but stand here close enough to touch her.

She's in my arms, heedless of the fact that I'm still soaked to the bone. She's shivering and enveloping herself in me. I bury my nose in her hair. Her breath hitches and she snuggles herself deeper into me, her head going to the crook of my neck, that space made just for her.

It takes me a moment to realize the sob that rips through the air isn't Buffy or me. I glance up and there's no one there. I take a deep breath.

Liv.