Chapter Ten

-Angel-

I thought it'd be this big bang, some kind of grand affair. It isn't. I wake up gasping for breath, yeah-- gasping for breath. I sit straight up in bed. My heart is pounding in my ears. I hold my hand over my chest, sure I'm going to have a heart attack the first few seconds of being human. I glance over at the clock. 9:02.

A laugh bubbles up inside of me. I get out of bed and fling open the curtains. I stand there, reveling in the fact that the sun is not burning me for a few seconds before I realize I'm naked and my neighbor is watching. I can't even summon up enough ire for a growl, which leads me to wonder-- can I growl? Can I purr? Buffy used to like it when I purred. Buffy.

No, Liv.

"Liv!" I shout and grab some pants from the end of the bed. I stumble into the living room, pulling the pants up. I half fall in the kitchen and notice a note next to the coffee pot.

Went to a literature lecture. I'll see you up at the office later.

Love, Liv

I'm human, and Liv's not here to celebrate.

-Buffy-

I wake up with a start. I'm not sure exactly what woke me, but I glance at the clock. 9:02. Might as well get up. I step into the shower, letting the hot, hard spray wash over me. I've gotta end this thing with Angel. Neither of us can keep this up. He can't train me. I can't see him and not want him. It's not fair to me, it's not fair to him and it's not fair to Liv.

I'm not gonna run, not this time, but only because I want to be a part of my friends' lives now. I want to see Calie grow up. I want to see Willow and Oz's children. I want to spend time with Giles. He looks too old to me. I can live in L.A. and not see Angel. It's a big city. At least that's what I tell myself.

I put on a pale pink silk dress that I bought in Italy because Francesca was always telling me my wardrobe was too dull. I slide my feet into ivory heels, a pair of Manolo Blahnik's Cordy would have killed someone for in high school. I leave my hair loose around my shoulders, grab a handbag and take a cab to Angel's office. There's no way I'm walking that far in these heels, besides walking would mess up the really good looking diva thing I've got going right now.

The front office is empty. I tap on Angel's door. There's a pause and then he says "Come in."

I'm not surprised to find him standing in front of the windows. He seems to do that a lot. I guess you'd begin to miss the sun after two hundred and fifty years of not seeing it.

"Buffy," he says without turning around.

I smile sadly to myself. I'm going to miss the way he says my name. I'm going to miss that he feels me before I'm there and I wonder if he felt this way when he left me in Sunnydale all those years ago. "Hey."

I walk over closer to him, not too close though because we all know what comes of that. "We've got to stop doing this."

"Doing what?"

God, he's not that dense. I sigh. "Angel, maybe it was really easy for you to go on after you sent me away. I didn't think I was going to survive it. Buffy Summers didn't survive. She died a little death and Anne Williams got born because I couldn't live in a world where you didn't love me."

Angel shakes his head. He still hasn't looked at me. "There are two things you need to know. First, I loved you so much that watching you walk away nearly killed me." He turns and looks directly at me. I catch my breath. I've forgotten how intense Angel's eyes are, how much emotion they carry.

"Second, I still do." His gaze never wavers.

Tears scald my cheeks as they drip from my lashes. "Then why are you marrying her?"

Angel lets out a bone-deep sigh. "She's-she doesn't know who Angelus is. She doesn't know about the things I've done. She's not a part of that life. She never has been."

"So what? You're marrying someone you don't love because you get to have a clean slate?"

"I never said I didn't love her," he says.

"You never said you did," I accuse.

"Buffy," his voice is full of bitter things like regret, pain and sorrow.

"I can't, Angel. I thought I could stand up and have my heart broken one more time. I can't. I can't do it anymore."

"Buffy, come here." He holds his hand out to me.

I want to run. I want to run as far and as fast as my legs will take me. I can't. I've never been able to run from Angel. I take his hand and it doesn't register for a moment. Hell, it doesn't register until he pulls me close and I feel his breath, warm breath, on my skin. When I do realize what's happened-it's-there are no words. It's like-I don't know. I can't breathe. My chest is so tight and I can't breathe. I can't think and I can't swallow or stop the tears.

"Can I?" I ask hesitantly and look at his chest.

He nods and folds me into his arms. And all my dreams are coming true just moments before they're whisked away. Angel's heart is beating. My Angel. I don't need to breathe. He's doing it for me and if my heart stops beating, that's okay, Angel's heart is beating. Oh. God.

And that's when Liv walks in. I start to pull away. I'm surprised when Angel holds onto me just a moment longer. He releases me and we both stand there looking like we've been caught doing something much worse than holding each other.

Tears glitter in Liv's eyes. She bites her lips and glances back and forth between Angel and I.

"Buffy, could I speak to Angel alone please?"

And that, my friends is what you call courage under fire. I nod. "Yeah, I'm gonna-just-back to-I'm gonna go somewhere that's not here. Now."

I don't even make it to the lobby before the tears start. I jerk the heels off my feet and run back to my hotel as fast as I can. I've got to get out of here.

-Angel-

"Liv-"I start.

"Don't. Let me talk. I think you've done enough talking for the both of us today. I heard you, Angel. I heard everything you and Buffy said to each other," she says.

My throat closes and that breathing thing that humans make look so easy is actually coming pretty hard to me right now. "I'm sorry."

"So am I. Actually, no I'm not. Why didn't you ever tell me?"

"Tell you what, Liv?" I ask.

"Tell me that you're in love with another woman," she says.

I shake my head and sigh. I pinch the bridge of my nose. "Because it's Buffy. For the rest of my life, whether its sixty years or sixty centuries, I will be in love with Buffy. That doesn't change. She's a part of me, a part of my soul, a part of everything I am. That doesn't mean I don't love you. I do; it's just...not the same."

"Don't you think I deserve that, Angel? Don't you think I deserve to be married to someone who loves me as much as you love Buffy?" Liv asks.

I can't look at her. She's right. She's an amazing woman, an amazing human being. She does deserve someone who loves her as much as I love Buffy, or at least someone who doesn't belong to another woman. Liv steps toward me, she presses something into my hand and leaves a kiss on my cheek.

"I'm going to go move my things-"

"No, I can stay in the apartment here. You keep ours. I'll move out," I say. It's the least I can do.

Liv nods. "Alright. I'll be gone all day tomorrow. If you'd come then, leave your key on the bar."

I can't tell by feel or smell or hearing when she leaves, but when I turn around she's gone. I open my fist. The one caret diamond engagement ring I bought her lies in my palm.