The lights twinkling in the city are bright tonight. Somehow they are always brightest when I am out here alone. The wind, too, isn't as cold as it should be, though it is well past midnight. It is as though nature and life itself is forgiving this old weary mind. Not that I would notice my surroundings much anymore. Although I look young and often feel young, I am not. I am older than the city at which I stare out upon, the city which I helped to create. This is the city of my destiny.
Sometimes I feel that now that I've achieved everything I was told I'd achieve I could die peacefully. Most of the time I wish it. I've lived my life three fold. My time here should have been up as soon as the last stone was in place. As soon as my daughter was married. As soon as she took the throne. I should have died long ago.
Yet I am unable to. And like myself, neither can my wife. She abdicated the throne, her position as Queen, decades ago and now asks me daily when the fates will let her weary soul rest. Each day she asks me for a reprieve, to end her suffering, and each day I find I can no more take her life than I can my own.
We are cursed.
Long ago we believed that our destinies were a gift. Something to celebrate daily and to take advantage of. Our great mission, we called it. To save the world from the bad guys and create a new world order of peace and love. We had the power of the universe at our command, and it was all given to us. We never asked for it. We fullfilled our destinies. And we never tried to return the gift. We never made any effort to be rid of the power we possessed. We took every ounce of power and we took it greedily, selfishly. Now, the fates that gave us this gift are making us pay for it. With our very souls.
Late at night when Serenity is asleep, I wander through the city. I am alone with my thoughts and even the worst creatures that crawl the city leave me to them, for they have heard my story and fear me. I once tried to clean up the city, beloved Crystal Tokyo, and rid it of all the things that had destroyed empires. Yet as hard as I worked, crime and other such debauchery thrived. I learned that no city is perfect. My utopia was no such thing. My paradise was an illusion. And I left the handling of it all to those who made it their chosen paths.
I have begun to wonder if the fates have deemed that we live only that we may go insane. Then I realize, it is most likely a choice I made for myself. That we made when we began this journey all those years ago. Yet it is on this hill, at midnight, over looking this city that I created, that I find hope.
10/20/04 WLS
There are times, when I am among my friends, that I find myself wondering which of us will die first. After all, we are all aged well beyond what any normal human being should be. But of course, we are not normal human beings by any stretch of the imagination. Normal people do not fight evil the way we do. Normal people do not have magic and very few of them actually have destinies in which the entire world rests on their shoulders. Many of them believe in reincarnation, yet none of them experience such as thing as we have. For us, there IS life after death, though it is not on a heavenly plane that many people believe exists. For us, life after death is merely a continuation of our lives before we died, an event that leaves us where we were last, though seconds, minutes or even decades pass between death and waking.
When I watch my friends, I find small hints that reveal just how trying our lives as crusaders for the world has been on them. Ami, our beloved bookworm, rarely speaks now. She is often too busy reading her bible. After her first child died, missionaries came to Ami and helped her through her grief in ways that no one else could, not even I, who most consider is an expert on theology. Ami, while previously quiet about her beliefs, converted to the Christian religion. She now carries a bible whereever she goes and never removes the crucifix from around her neck. It is my belief that she feels sure that she will meet her lost child again in "Heaven" and it gives her comfort. Ami will accept death most eagerly among us, I feel.
Mako has gotten cranky in her much older age. She seems to fight a daily battle against her body, constantly training and exercising, refusing to believe that she can no longer do many of the things she once could. This denial has caused her to become angry with herself and she takes it out on those of us around her. Cooking, it seems, is still the one thing that soothes her.
Minako, I fear, is hiding something. She smiles too much, as though she thinks that if she smiles no one will guess that something is bothering her. Long ago, in a fierce and long battle, she was wounded on her side. It still hurts her now. There are times when she moves that it pains her and while Minako smiles through clenched teeth and assures us there is nothing wrong, I still notice when she clutches the spot where the scar remains after all these years. Though her face smiles, her eyes reveal themselves. All is not well with Minako.
Even Usagi and Mamoru, Queen Serenity and King Endymion as they are known to the rest of the world, show signs of their iminent fragilty. Mamoru has left more of the work he once so loved to do in maintaining his beloved kingdom to others. He now seems more content to spend time with his great grandchildren than spend time tending to "royal duties". Usagi is frail and frighteningly so. Once so vibrant and healthy, with an appetite to match, she moves slower these days and eats only enough to satisfy the people around her. Usagi is working where Mamoru is not, or cannot, and it is because of her indefatigable sense of duty that she seems to be everywhere at once and aware of everything.
I, myself, can even see what time has done. Like Ami, I have become an almost complete recluse, choosing instead to meditate in front of my sacred fire. It tells me very little anymore, but the warmth of the fire is soothing and I find I cannot be away from it for very long without becoming uncomfortably chilled. It has become, in many ways, a companion, one through which I can reveal everything by means of mediation. I enjoy the solitude, where in many ways in my youth I was so often uncomfortable with. When I die, I will be alone and I will be at peace.
However, I think we are all alone in death. Death is a singular experience, one that cannot be shared. Death is something we call come to terms with in our own ways - or not at all, if the case may be. When the Senshi die, it will be no different, except that death may come to us when we are ready for it, and that day may be sooner or later for any of us. We have achieved our destinies and more. Peace eternal will be our reward for such.
Fin WLS 11-6-04
(Author Notes: I wrote these pieces when bits of them came to me. Both pieces are, admittedly, kinda depressing. I call it introspective. I just feel that well, the SM characters are stuck with this eternal/extended life situation and they have no idea what to do with themselves once the final battle is over. How long can you run a kingdom before you tire of the monotony that comes with it? How long can you live your life until the days begin to run into another and you want only for them to end? Especially when you are unprepared for such a thing after so long a time of fighting? So these pieces, both written in a single night, address that. Hope you enjoyed! P.S. Those who read "Believer" might find it interesting that I made Ami a Christian. Trust me, it wasn't planned, in fact the only thing planned about the second piece is Mina's part. But I just figured one of them would turn Christian at some point in their lives and since Ami is so bookish, I figured she was a good type for that..)
Sometimes I feel that now that I've achieved everything I was told I'd achieve I could die peacefully. Most of the time I wish it. I've lived my life three fold. My time here should have been up as soon as the last stone was in place. As soon as my daughter was married. As soon as she took the throne. I should have died long ago.
Yet I am unable to. And like myself, neither can my wife. She abdicated the throne, her position as Queen, decades ago and now asks me daily when the fates will let her weary soul rest. Each day she asks me for a reprieve, to end her suffering, and each day I find I can no more take her life than I can my own.
We are cursed.
Long ago we believed that our destinies were a gift. Something to celebrate daily and to take advantage of. Our great mission, we called it. To save the world from the bad guys and create a new world order of peace and love. We had the power of the universe at our command, and it was all given to us. We never asked for it. We fullfilled our destinies. And we never tried to return the gift. We never made any effort to be rid of the power we possessed. We took every ounce of power and we took it greedily, selfishly. Now, the fates that gave us this gift are making us pay for it. With our very souls.
Late at night when Serenity is asleep, I wander through the city. I am alone with my thoughts and even the worst creatures that crawl the city leave me to them, for they have heard my story and fear me. I once tried to clean up the city, beloved Crystal Tokyo, and rid it of all the things that had destroyed empires. Yet as hard as I worked, crime and other such debauchery thrived. I learned that no city is perfect. My utopia was no such thing. My paradise was an illusion. And I left the handling of it all to those who made it their chosen paths.
I have begun to wonder if the fates have deemed that we live only that we may go insane. Then I realize, it is most likely a choice I made for myself. That we made when we began this journey all those years ago. Yet it is on this hill, at midnight, over looking this city that I created, that I find hope.
10/20/04 WLS
There are times, when I am among my friends, that I find myself wondering which of us will die first. After all, we are all aged well beyond what any normal human being should be. But of course, we are not normal human beings by any stretch of the imagination. Normal people do not fight evil the way we do. Normal people do not have magic and very few of them actually have destinies in which the entire world rests on their shoulders. Many of them believe in reincarnation, yet none of them experience such as thing as we have. For us, there IS life after death, though it is not on a heavenly plane that many people believe exists. For us, life after death is merely a continuation of our lives before we died, an event that leaves us where we were last, though seconds, minutes or even decades pass between death and waking.
When I watch my friends, I find small hints that reveal just how trying our lives as crusaders for the world has been on them. Ami, our beloved bookworm, rarely speaks now. She is often too busy reading her bible. After her first child died, missionaries came to Ami and helped her through her grief in ways that no one else could, not even I, who most consider is an expert on theology. Ami, while previously quiet about her beliefs, converted to the Christian religion. She now carries a bible whereever she goes and never removes the crucifix from around her neck. It is my belief that she feels sure that she will meet her lost child again in "Heaven" and it gives her comfort. Ami will accept death most eagerly among us, I feel.
Mako has gotten cranky in her much older age. She seems to fight a daily battle against her body, constantly training and exercising, refusing to believe that she can no longer do many of the things she once could. This denial has caused her to become angry with herself and she takes it out on those of us around her. Cooking, it seems, is still the one thing that soothes her.
Minako, I fear, is hiding something. She smiles too much, as though she thinks that if she smiles no one will guess that something is bothering her. Long ago, in a fierce and long battle, she was wounded on her side. It still hurts her now. There are times when she moves that it pains her and while Minako smiles through clenched teeth and assures us there is nothing wrong, I still notice when she clutches the spot where the scar remains after all these years. Though her face smiles, her eyes reveal themselves. All is not well with Minako.
Even Usagi and Mamoru, Queen Serenity and King Endymion as they are known to the rest of the world, show signs of their iminent fragilty. Mamoru has left more of the work he once so loved to do in maintaining his beloved kingdom to others. He now seems more content to spend time with his great grandchildren than spend time tending to "royal duties". Usagi is frail and frighteningly so. Once so vibrant and healthy, with an appetite to match, she moves slower these days and eats only enough to satisfy the people around her. Usagi is working where Mamoru is not, or cannot, and it is because of her indefatigable sense of duty that she seems to be everywhere at once and aware of everything.
I, myself, can even see what time has done. Like Ami, I have become an almost complete recluse, choosing instead to meditate in front of my sacred fire. It tells me very little anymore, but the warmth of the fire is soothing and I find I cannot be away from it for very long without becoming uncomfortably chilled. It has become, in many ways, a companion, one through which I can reveal everything by means of mediation. I enjoy the solitude, where in many ways in my youth I was so often uncomfortable with. When I die, I will be alone and I will be at peace.
However, I think we are all alone in death. Death is a singular experience, one that cannot be shared. Death is something we call come to terms with in our own ways - or not at all, if the case may be. When the Senshi die, it will be no different, except that death may come to us when we are ready for it, and that day may be sooner or later for any of us. We have achieved our destinies and more. Peace eternal will be our reward for such.
Fin WLS 11-6-04
(Author Notes: I wrote these pieces when bits of them came to me. Both pieces are, admittedly, kinda depressing. I call it introspective. I just feel that well, the SM characters are stuck with this eternal/extended life situation and they have no idea what to do with themselves once the final battle is over. How long can you run a kingdom before you tire of the monotony that comes with it? How long can you live your life until the days begin to run into another and you want only for them to end? Especially when you are unprepared for such a thing after so long a time of fighting? So these pieces, both written in a single night, address that. Hope you enjoyed! P.S. Those who read "Believer" might find it interesting that I made Ami a Christian. Trust me, it wasn't planned, in fact the only thing planned about the second piece is Mina's part. But I just figured one of them would turn Christian at some point in their lives and since Ami is so bookish, I figured she was a good type for that..)