A/N: Squeals! I've gotten over 200 reviews now! You guys rock!
I want to send out a very special thank you to my betas for this chapter- CS Whitewolf and VirginSuicide. I can't tell you how much they helped me pull this chapter together. It was really quite trying to write. You guys are fantastic!
And, Headphone Therapy, I think we can safely say we are officially in the belly of this beast.
Speaking of which, I feel compelled to warn you guys that some violence follows.
/words/ mental voice that sounds remarkably like Harry
(words) mental voice that sounds remarkably like Snape
…words… montage of memory flashes
"words" voices out loud, per usual.
X
XIX
XIXIX "Voices" XIXIX
The air was brisk; the sky was clear. A haunting glow from the full moon lit the way, and only in hindsight did it stand as a beacon of warning—your doom lies this way.
The night brushed past him like déjà vu, the memory of a memory. Anger pushed him forward and all reservations were forgotten as revenge pulsed through his veins.
"Tonight you get yours," he whispered through his satisfied smirk.
He crept now in stealthy silence, barely making a sound lest he disturb the resting willow. Inching closer, ever mindful, ever watchful, his eyes running rivers over the trunk and the root system, looking for the supposed key to entrance. The branches quivered and one swung down, straight for him. He tumbled forward, pressing the small knot amongst the roots and continuing his dodging roll in case the tree continued to attack.
But what do you know? As the branch swung upward, preparing no doubt for another swipe at him, it suddenly stiffened and froze as if put under a body bind curse. His eyes glinting with malicious glee at the small victory, Severus could make out an opening that led into darkness.
"Lumos," he said, climbing down, excitement growing. It was real. That fool Black had really screwed up when he let Severus overhear tell of their nighttime activities. Once he caught the Marauders red-handed, the Headmaster would have no choice but to expel them.
In hindsight he cringed. Humiliation and anger were seamlessly woven into the event. But his memory swept forward in his great haste. He mistook the echoing noises ahead for drunken revelry, and he did not hear the footsteps running behind him.
It was only when he reached for the trapdoor handle at the end of the tunnel that a moment of fear made him pause with caution. He stood unmoving for several seconds, hand extended, listening to the sounds emitting from the room above. Surely those harsh, dangerous-sounding echoes could be of no party. His mind was in turmoil as to whether or not to proceed; his wariness to confront the cause of such noise clashed with his almost painful desire to see the Marauders expelled.
A panicked voice broke him from his reverie.
"Severus, no!"
Potter.
Present and past selves both swelled with undeniable loathing. Potter: who had so publicly rejected him so long ago. Potter: who had so thoroughly humiliated him time and time again. Potter: who had stolen Lily. Potter: the bane of his existence; the thorn in his side. What gall he had to try to stop him now!
Out of spite, Severus swung his gaze from the fast approaching dark-haired boy, and wrenched open the trapdoor. All was silent and still for one sanctified moment as his eyes focused from the dull glow of his wand to the deep darkness of the room above.
But then his heart stopped beating as an imposing shape advanced with frightening speed across the room and through the shafts of moonlight that filtered through the boarded up windows. Severus swallowed hard as his eardrums splintered with the hellacious roar.
And then, in a moment of panic that would forever cause countless hours of cursing out unfathomable regret, Severus froze.
He froze as a werewolf—claws extended, teeth bared—lunged at him.
And he separated from himself, so that it seemed as though he were watching a slow-motion reenactment of the attack, and his disembodied self accepted without question that in the blink of an eye, he'd either be a werewolf—or dead.
He would have been… except that a white stag leapt over him and trampled down the werewolf, driving it back into the house above. Severus could hear the blood-curdling howls, and the drumming of hooves as the two fought—teeth to prongs, claws to hooves—and the stag won! The werewolf retreated, and the stag returned, climbing in the form of James Potter back into the tunnel, securely closing the trapdoor once again, and shaking back to reality the petrified Severus.
"Severus, oh Merlin, answer me! Did he get you!"
Severus blinked once as his mind translated the words. He shook his head in response.
James hung his head and his body drooped as he sighed relief. "Sirius told me he had you overhear how to get down here. I couldn't let it happen. I'm gonna beat the shit out of him when we get back. And I wouldn't blame you if you organized a band of Slytherins to get him again later," he growled.
"You saved my life," said Severus dully, as his future self mentally smacked himself for ever voicing that misguided statement.
"I was almost too late," said James guiltily.
"I owe you a life debt."
James shook his head. "Just don't tell anyone about this and we're even, okay?"
Severus narrowed his eyes and snapped, "Secrecy does not repay a life debt and you know it."
But James never asked for another thing, and Severus loathed him even more—leaving him in his debt, and then dying, so that Severus had to carry the debt on his shoulders until his brat of a son was old enough to start drawing the attention of those who would repeatedly try to kill him.
Severus remembered all of this.
And now, so did Harry.
XIXIX
"What happened?"
Albus Dumbledore knelt down next to the unconscious Harry Potter who was laid out across Snape's couch.
"He was upset about Lupin, and other things. He came to me demanding answers, and when he wasn't satisfied with the ones I gave him, he… Albus, he possessed me."
"Merlin's beard," whispered Dumbledore, looking up at Snape, who had temporarily stopped pacing to look down sadly at Harry. "Was it intentional?"
Snape shook his head. "No, I don't think so. His magic is still erratic from the shock. I was going to prescribe a few more days break from his training, but… anyway, that, combined with his heightened emotional state… No. I think he was merely trying to use our link to get the answers he wanted."
"What answers did he want?" Dumbledore turned back to Harry and gently put a hand on the young man's forehead.
Snape opened his mouth to answer, but found himself unable.
To tell Dumbledore of Harry's discovery about him training the Slytherins would lead to how Harry knew, and why that even bothered him, which leads back to Malfoy… and Snape's knowledge of their relationship and all the events surrounding it was now protected by the oath he took to train Harry.
Nor could he tell Dumbledore about Harry's concern for Snape's own well-being, because Harry's concern extended into Legilimency and potion use.
Dumbledore looked up and furrowed his brow as he watched Snape try to speak, and fail.
"I'm sorry, Albus. The oath covers everything." He sighed heavily, and then continued pacing, whispering angrily, "Damn the broad wording we chose for the oath!"
Dumbledore nodded. "Severus, what CAN you tell me?"
Snape paused in his pacing once again and looked at the headmaster. "I don't believe he's in a magical coma. I am fairly certain his state has nothing to do with overextending himself magically."
"Then what is it?" Dumbledore's concern grew as he studied the tragic look on the Potions Master's face. It was highly uncharacteristic of him to show such emotion.
Snape swallowed hard and whispered, "The look on his face, Albus, when he came out… I think he saw everything. I think he gained the full detail of my memories of being a Death Eater."
XIXIX
/My father was a hero after all./
(Your father was a prat. He wimped out of a would-be lethal prank.)
/He saved my life. Your life, I mean./
(He terrorized me for years, and then held a life debt over me.)
/But he never asked for anything, except discretion. He was trying to make amends./
(He failed.)
/So you became a Death Eater/
(I did NOT become a Death Eater because of James Potter!)
/Then why/
(It was power, given and taken away by my father)
…disappointment, never good enough, masked feelings, will not cry again…
(It was fear and humiliation in school)
…looking up at the laughing faces, youngest in the year, smallest, picked on constantly, hiding spaces in the dungeons, highest grades in all my classes, hexed in hallways…
(It was anger and disgust at the world)
…filthy mudbloods, tainting thousand-year-old bloodlines, endangering the entire wizarding community with their ties to the muggles, inferior beings must be contained, venting anger, sneering faces, casting curses, power, power, power, power, power, power, power…
…first kill, apparate in, sleeping family, muggle children, two Death Eaters, two initiates, screaming children, Unforgivables, naked mother, burning candles, sick pornography, they shit themselves, father stabs them, his eyes wide open, tears running, he cannot stop himself, mouth is open, his nose drips snot, the room is red and stinks of death…
/And I stood there and laughed. You laughed, I mean./
(Yes, I did.)
XIXIX
"How long has he been like this?"
"Since yesterday evening."
"Why isn't he in the infirmary?"
"He's safer in my care."
Lupin took one look at Snape's carefully placed indifferent sneer and lunged across the room. He grabbed him by his chest and threw him into the wall. Snape dropped to the ground and Lupin climbed on top of him, pinning him down. His teeth were bared and he snarled, "I told you to stay away from my son!"
"REMUS LUPIN!" bellowed Dumbledore as he flicked his wand, prying the ferocious man from his victim and flinging him across the room, quickly casting an invisible barrier around him so that he could not again attack.
Lupin pounded against the barrier, yelling, "There is no reason for Harry to be in your bed, you sick fuck!"
"Calm yourself, Remus," demanded Dumbledore, his eyes flashing dangerously.
"Albus," he pleaded, "We've got to get him out of here. He needs to be in the infirmary!"
"In the infirmary, where everyone in the school will know his condition? So they can report to their parents, who will report to Voldemort?" Dumbledore shook his head. "No, Remus, Harry is far safer here with Severus."
Snape pulled himself to his feet, carefully straightened his robes, fixed his glare, and turned back to the two men as though nothing had happened.
Lupin stood seething. "Albus, what has he done to my son?"
"Remus," said Dumbledore threateningly, "Control yourself or we will continue this discussion elsewhere."
Lupin glanced at Harry's form in Snape's bed and nodded, biting back his protective instincts.
"Harry is in a coma. We believe it is the result of his mind trying to assimilate memories he obtained when he possessed Professor Snape yesterday evening."
"He WHAT!" shouted Lupin, glaring at Snape. "How could you let him do that—and so soon after magical shock!"
Snape deepened his glare. "Mr. Potter did not offer me much of a choice in the matter."
"The possession was accidental," supplied Dumbledore.
"No one accidentally performs magic that powerful," said Lupin snidely.
"Remus," warned Dumbledore.
Lupin backed down. "What have you done to revive him?"
"All of the basics," said Dumbledore. "Severus also attempted to bring Harry back by contacting him through their link."
"And?" asked Lupin, struggling to refrain from trying to attack Snape again at the mention of his link with Harry.
Dumbledore shook his head. "His mind is closed off from us. But he does seem to be somewhat aware of his surroundings."
"Why do you say that?"
"Thus far, Harry has only allowed Professor Snape to administer food, water, or potions. When Poppy and I tried, he would not swallow, and in fact, stopped breathing as well and would have suffocated had we not removed the potion from his mouth."
Lupin felt a pang of jealousy and anger at this news. "I want to try," he declared.
"We hoped you would," said Dumbledore. "If Harry will allow you to feed him, then we can transfer him to your care."
Lupin paled slightly as a thought hit him. "His absence will be noticed."
"It already has been," said Snape calmly.
"Word will reach Voldemort. What are the students being told?"
"His closest friends have been told that, for safety's sake, he will be in hiding temporarily. Beyond that, we are allowing rumors to propagate," said Dumbledore, a tight smile forming on his face. "So far, most of the rumors center around special training in exotic places."
Lupin sighed heavily and rested his forehead on the invisible barrier. "You know his friends are going to start digging for answers. They can't not solve mysteries that have nothing to do with them. They are definitely going to try to find the truth about Harry's disappearance."
Dumbledore nodded. "Yes, but, you are now the fourth person to know the truth. So our main concern is whether Harry's mind is as closed off to Voldemort as it is to Severus. If he were to infiltrate Harry's mind in the state it is in now, there is no telling the harm that could be done."
"But it's not a magical coma!" said Lupin. "Shouldn't he be able to protect himself?"
Snape answered cautiously. "He is… able… to protect himself with Occlumency. We just cannot be sure that he is."
XIXIX
/How did you become like that? Laughing at all that pain/
(My father had a great deal to do with it.)
/My father was a bastard … I mean, your father./
(He reminds me a bit of Uncle Vernon.)
/Uncle Vernon never beat Aunt Petunia. Or me. Father was cold and cruel. He could never be satisfied. Growing up with him was like… you were afraid…/
(I was always afraid of making a wrong move, because anything could send him off. I don't know what was worse—the rage or the silence. He enjoyed watching pain. He enjoyed causing it. But when he couldn't, he would just take away everything. He could suck the life out of you—suck out the joy, until you were a shell focused only on gaining his approval, winning his love. But he had no love. He had no soul.)
/Like a Dementor/
(Hmm… He is what I think of when they come around…)
/So he taught you how to enjoy causing pain./
(He taught me most of the curses I know. Delighted in it, as a matter of fact. That was our father/son time together… preparing me to impart pain. My mother believed in the purity of bloodlines. She thought Voldemort had some good ideas. My father… he just liked Voldemort's methods.)
/I hate him. I hate him so much./
(The hate dulls with time.)
XIXIX
Ginny Weasley stared up at the Head Table, her eyes narrowed suspiciously. "I don't buy it," she said finally.
"Me neither," agreed Ron, glaring into his breakfast. "If Harry knew he was going into hiding, he would have told us. He would have at least somehow let us know he was okay."
"And anyway," continued Ginny, "Look at Dumbledore, going on like nothing has happened. It's a total act. That twinkle in his eyes… it's fake. Something's wrong."
Hermione picked at her food. "I just wish I knew what to do about it." She had spent the last few days so worried that she felt she was always verging on tears. Ron put his arm on her shoulder, and she let him, but turned to Ginny. "Are you sure he didn't say anything else?"
Ginny shook her head, staring intently at McGonagall. "Just said he was going to get answers… I don't think McGonagall knows anything. She looks like she's covering worry too, but, she clearly trusts everything is okay. Dumbledore's the one who knows the truth."
Ginny had also been watching Malfoy, who had sneered his "Thank Merlin he's gone" just like the rest of Slytherin, but Ginny saw something else buried in his expression. He was nervous. He might know something, but Ginny couldn't think of any safe way to ask him. If his disappearance was to do with Voldemort, Malfoy wouldn't tell her anyway, but if it was something else… her questions might wind up giving him answers. She couldn't risk it.
"What about Snape?" she asked.
"Terrible mood this week," said Ron. "I don't fancy trying to pump him for information. You'd wind up with a year's worth of detention."
Ginny sighed heavily and stood up.
"Where are you going?" asked Hermione.
"I'm owling Mom. Maybe she'll accidentally slip something in that will help us figure out what's going on."
"Don't you have Potions? You'll be late," said Ron.
"I don't care," said Ginny. "I can't stand not knowing. And anyway," she leaned in closer and gave her brother a sly look, "Maybe Snape'll tell me something in detention." She grabbed her bag and swept out of the Great Hall.
Ron stared after her incredulously. "Is that supposed to be bravery? Willingly provoking Snape to get answers?"
"I suspect it's more loyalty than bravery," said Hermione. "The magical sister bond must really be bothering her right now." She turned back to her breakfast. "And anyway, it's Harry."
XIXIX
"Harry?"
…lifetime of suspicion, no one will ever trust me again…
"Harry, I don't know if you can hear me, but…"
…it's never open mistrust—it's all looks and body positioning, whispers, even at Hogwarts, even in the Order…
"I know you were worried about me going to Albania—and I guess you were right. You saved my life with that information, so, thank you."
…students think I'm evil, but that's to be expected, scared faces, nervous fidgeting, distracted mistakes…
"I can't stand seeing you like this. I want to help. I want to fix it all for you. I wish I could have given you a normal life. I wish you could have been a normal boy."
…cupboard under the stairs, Uncle Vernon yelling, I didn't make my hair grow back, suspicious looks, I'm a parslemouth, Heir of Slytherin, Tri-Wizard Tournament, Harry Potter killed Cedric Diggory…
…Marauders torturing me, students laughing, father's lessons, curses, pain, Voldemort's power so appealing…
"But instead you're laying here with all these powers, and all these worries, and now, all these new memories…"
…Dumbledore offers me a job as a sign of good faith, but blocks the Defense Against the Dark Arts position, forever banned I suppose because of the Dark Mark—no matter how I've proven myself, always on the outside, bitter and solitary, but he allows a known werewolf, who nearly killed me, seething anger, and the Order throws suspicion my way, they value the information I bring, but in their minds, they hope I die on the next mission so they don't have to fear betrayal any longer…
"We'll work through this, Harry. We'll get through it. But you have to wake up. Please drink this. Please wake up for me."
/It's Remus. He's okay./
(Don't drink it.)
/He wants to see me./
(That's his voice, but it doesn't mean it's him. It could be a voice illusion. He could be offering you poison. Unless you can feel and recognize the magic of the person offering, don't imbibe a thing.)
/You're right. I should protect myself. Lupin can wait. After so many years of suspicion… he can wait./
Lupin waited for a while, but Harry did not swallow. He did not breathe.
He sighed heavily, and waved his wand, clearing the Revival Potion from Harry's mouth. He began to breathe the moment the liquid was removed.
Lupin choked back his tears, looking at the relaxed face of James and Lily's son. He slid down in his seat and closed his eyes heavily, trying not to think about everything the boy must be experiencing. All the things Snape had ever done running though his mind, all those memories…
Lupin shook his head, but failed to clear the thoughts away. Harry was powerful, but surely he wasn't capable of a full…
The door opened, and an instant later, Lupin found himself face to face with Severus Snape, his wand pointed directly at Snape's heart.
"No change?" asked Snape calmly.
Lupin shook his head, lowering his wand. "No," he said quietly. "I thought the Revival Potion might work if I could convince him to take it and let it wake him, but he still won't drink a thing from my hand. Are you sure he can hear us?"
"No." Snape walked over to the chair next to Harry's bed and carefully sat down. "Get some rest."
Lupin nodded, relieved of his shift. Snape would watch Harry until 2:00am. Lupin stood watch overnight and during the day, while Snape slept and taught classes. Snape came in from time to time to give Harry food and drink. He would only swallow when it was Snape. But no potions revived him. They got no response from him at all.
Lupin stepped through the door Snape had just entered through, and left the small cottage in the mountains of Brazil. He closed the door behind himself and glanced around Snape's quarters. He was hungry, and he needed to sleep. He summoned a house elf to bring dinner, and sat down at the table.
The house elf arrived with food, and served him eagerly, oblivious to the bright orange door that clashed with the rest of the room. Dumbledore had moved it into Snape's quarters Sunday night after Lupin arrived. It was a portal to the cottage, which was at the same time a part of Hogwarts—and therefore protected by its wards—and located in South America—and therefore hopefully far enough from Voldemort to lessen his link with Harry.
The Fidelius Charm protected the door itself, as well as the cottage. Only Dumbledore, Lupin, Snape, and Madam Pomfrey knew of its existence.
Snape and Lupin watched Harry for any signs of improvement or decline, and guarded him in case something happened. Dumbledore had always trusted Snape, so Lupin had always put his faith in that, rather than the man. But seeing the care with which Snape looked after Harry this week, Lupin began to wonder if perhaps he should trust the man after all.
XIXIX
Hermione returned form the North Tower with more books, and Ginny greedily snatched at them. "Find anything else?" she asked, almost frantically.
"More prophecies. I can't believe the extent of them. Now that we know what to look for, it's almost as if we open a book and it jumps out at us."
"We've got to catalogue all of this," said Ginny immediately. "It's no good to keep reading without keeping records. We should make charts, and cross-reference everything."
"Slow down, Ginny," said Ron. "You're starting to sound like Hermione."
"Well, what do you want me to do!" she snapped. "I've got to do something! I can't just sit here and not help! Four days he's been gone! Four days! I can't make him come back, so the least I can do is make sure he's more prepared for this goddamn battle when he does!"
"Ginny, calm down," urged Hermione softly. "He'll come back and we'll have the charts ready for him when he does."
"This is driving me crazy."
"I know."
"Snape knows something," she said. "Have you noticed how dark his eyes are? He's not sleeping."
"Are you really going to ask him?" asked Ron in a tone that clearly said he didn't think it was a very good idea.
"Harry trusts him. So do I."
XIXIX
/So they mistrust you. So what? It's not like you should be trusted, after all the shit you did./
(Et tu, Brute?)
/Don't give me that. I've seen it./
…years of torture, hunting people, kissing hems, spreading fear, serving darkness, lording power, cursing innocents, killing, killing, killing, the blood is on my hands…
/You enjoyed it, even./
…grief…
(I did.)
…years of danger, restitution, double agent, cunning spy, thirteen years the Dark Lord rested, still mistrusted, never a chance, never a new beginning, never enough time past, never enough proof of a clean life… I'll never be enough…
(You're right. Who could ever forgive what I've done?)
/You haven't even forgiven yourself/
(No.)
/Then why should anyone trust you/
(I suppose I always figured that their forgiveness would come first. Their trust. After the world absolved me, then I would forgive myself.)
/Do you deserve to be forgiven/
(That's not for me to judge.)
/You're the perfect judge. Should you be forgiven/
(I've spent 17 years living my life to make myself worthy of forgiveness… And I…)
/What/
(You're sixteen. I became a Death Eater at sixteen. In the three years before I turned spy, I did unspeakable things.)
…screams still echo, every scream, every face of every victim, every look of terror, every plea for mercy, every curse, every dead, lifeless body, every person that lived on with their memories of torture—it all echoes—it never goes away…
(Some pain never dulls. And the things I've done while working as a spy… It's all the same. Is it better that I torture people because sometimes I can secure information used to imprison other torturers? Is it better that I kill because sometimes I help trap other killers?)
XIXIX
"Professor Snape?" Ginny paused her scrubbing of the dungeon classroom floor to fix Snape with a desperate look. This had to work. He would see that she was sleeping as little as he. He would tell her… something, at least.
"Yes, Ms. Weasley?" An impassive face—but dark, tired eyes—turned to her.
"Do you know anything about twin bonds?"
His gaze flickered, and Ginny knew that he was finding it harder to hold his mask together. When he said nothing, Ginny continued.
"Because I know that magical brother-sister bonds are made with a mere expression of interest, and that they continue to grow stronger so long as both parties continue to remain committed to the relationship."
She paused to watch him, but Snape remained as inexpressive as ever.
"And sometimes it gets to the point where we can even hear… I mean, where they can hear each other's thoughts…" No really, that was an accidental slip of the tongue.
Snape looked back to the papers he was grading. "And, Ms. Weasley? I assume there is some point behind your drivel," he snapped.
Ginny took a deep breath and pushed on. "I was wondering about twin bonds. I mean, I know they have to be forged with a conscious choice of sharing everything, and that the twins will always know if the other is safe, but… Can the bond be forged over distances? If both people were willing?"
"No, Ms. Weasley. Twin bonds also involve the exchange of blood."
"Oh," she said quietly, staring down at the floor, but not scrubbing. She waited in silence for some time, and then sniffed loudly, continuing to scrub.
'He's not going to ask,' she thought, 'But he knows about our bond, and he's thinking about it now.'
Ginny sniffed again and Snape shifted slightly in his seat. That was her cue.
"Professor, do you know where he is?" she whispered softly.
Pause. "Who, Ms. Weasley?" But the cold in his voice was obviously forced.
"Harry," she said, her voice breaking a little.
"I was told he is in hiding," he recited.
"And I know that's not the truth," she said, looking up at him, begging him with her eyes to tell her where her brother was.
"Are you suggesting the Headmaster is lying?"
"Please," she said. "It's been six days. I know something is wrong. I can feel it. Like I'm cut off…" She looked away from his eyes, hoping against hope that Snape would find his heart.
He drew a long, slow breath that she could only just barely hear. Finally, he said in a low voice, "He is safe."
"Is he?" she asked, meeting his eye again.
"As safe as he ever is. You may return the cleaning supplies to Filch and return to your dormitory." He stood up and swept into his office, closing the door behind him. Ginny got up to leave. Her small victory tasted sour in her mouth.
XIXIX
/Why didn't you stay with Voldemort/
(My mum died.)
/You make it sound so simple, but it never is./
(My mother died soon after she found out I had become a Death Eater like my father.)
/You blamed yourself./
(She killed herself. She knew potions. She would never have accidentally taken that combination.)
/I… You… It wasn't just you…/
(No, it wasn't just me. My father brought home some Ministry officials he had abducted per Voldemort's order. They were in the dungeons for days, and she finally caught on that perhaps Voldemort's ends did not justify his means. She later asked me if I would have done what my father did.)
/And you told her you already had./
(I respected her with the truth. She confronted my father.)
…his rage takes over, he raises his wand, she cowers in fright, 'I'm your wife, damn it', and he laughs, 'Severus, this is your blood,' he says, and spills hers on the rug, 'Notice the color, the smell, notice the look on her face…' and Severus did, 'I feel you have a choice to make, Severus, as to whose son you truly are,' and Severus drew his eyes from his mother's excruciating pain, taking in the angle of his father's wand, his vicious smile, 'It is your fate to become one of us as you see us now… Choose,' and the power was exciting to see, but his mother was on the floor in agony…
(And then she killed herself. And then I killed my father.)
…Death Eater mission, raiding Azkaban before the Dementors were put in charge, freeing Death Eaters, guards intercepting, reinforcements coming, father's voice—he's casting curses, no one will know—they'll blame the guards, a well-aimed curse to crush his windpipe, he falls, the guards are watching, but I just walk away, they gape in shock…
(A stupid mistake to leave witnesses. The others brought my father's body back with us, so there was no evidence, but the story got around. It got back to Voldemort.)
XIXIX
Snape didn't speak as he entered the cottage. Lupin was there in an instant, ready to kill if it had been anyone other than he, Dumbledore, or Madam Pomfrey. Snape didn't even flinch; his eyes were on Harry. Silently he swept forward, taking Lupin's seat.
"I thought you had detention," said Lupin, coming up behind him.
"It ended early," he replied simply. "Go get some rest."
Lupin eyed him intently. "No, it's okay. I'll watch him."
Snape didn't move.
"Severus, have you slept at all this week?"
Snape kept his eyes on Harry, and remained silent. Lupin drew a chair up next to his. They sat in silence for some time, Snape watching Harry, Lupin watching Snape.
"You need to sleep, Severus. It's not healthy."
Finally, Snape looked up at him. Lupin noticed that his eyes were tinged with a very faint redness, and he wondered if Snape had been crying.
"He's assimilating my memories, Remus," Snape whispered.
"It's not your fault, Severus." It was the first time he had said it aloud, although he had known it for truth since that conversation with Dumbledore.
"At first I had hoped that when he possessed me he had only gone deep enough to have seen… maybe this year… maybe the last few, but…" Snape looked back to Harry. "After this long unconscious… he did it all the way. A full possession."
They both knew it was true, but neither had wanted to admit it.
"It never occurred to me he could have, or I would have warned him against it," he said firmly. He turned to Lupin with a wild look in his eye, and continued in a loud, almost jovial voice, "But who would have thought that even Harry Potter would be capable of a full possession at just sixteen years of age!"
He stood up and began pacing.
"Did you know the youngest was thirty-nine? He possessed three different people, and lost himself—couldn't differentiate the other memories from his own! Only the great Rowena Ravenclaw herself ever fully possessed someone and came out unscathed, and with no apparent use of a pensieve, even!" He laughed maniacally, and Lupin wondered briefly if Harry could hear Snape's meltdown. "Do you think our young Harry will come through with the gifts of yet another founder!"
He slumped suddenly back into his seat, and turned to Lupin, washed over with oceans of guilt and pain, "Do you think he'll come back?"
Lupin sat forward, and took hold of Snape with his very determined eyes. "Of course he will, Severus. This is Harry."
Snape scoffed brokenly. "Ginny Weasley can feel how far away he is."
"Ginny? Are they bonded?"
Snape opened his mouth, but couldn't answer. "The Oath," he said instead, and Lupin nodded.
"He just needs time, Severus. He'll be okay."
XIXIX
/I don't want to see it./
(You have to. This is your memory now.)
…'You disappoint me, Severus,' 'Yes, my Lord,' and pain beyond pain, 'He served me well, far better than you, I might add,' and agony eternal, 'Your childish attachment to your mother has cost me dearly. You may not kill my followers without my command,' 'Yes, my Lord. I am sorry, my Lord,' ragged breathing, coughing blood, 'Oh… you will be'…
(And they entered, and each came forward and sought revenge. Teaching me a lesson about my father, but I saw their faces. They didn't care about him, and they didn't care that it was me. I was just one more body, one more means of releasing what was locked within.)
…stripped and wandless, dungeon cell, chained to the wall, or the floor, hung in mid-air, sometimes upside-down, one by one, casting curses, slash the skin, burn it all, the meat of my body, break me down, healing spells, the scars run deeper, food and water, revival potions, so I last longer…
(But I was one of their numbers, which made it that much more satisfying.)
…'Oh, your father used to be fond of this one,' hissed Bellatrix with her maddening laugh, drawing fingernails across naked flesh, she tilts her wand and I ejaculate endlessly, the pain sickening, their laughter deadening, and I don't even know if I'm screaming anymore, as I think of my father towering above my mother ('Choose') and Lucius says my father's name as he strikes me and curses me and I kneel before him, bloodied but not begging…
…days it lasted, never ceasing, some have been here, where I am—they laugh harder, taunting, jeering, pound into me, body aching, my soul blackens, I've seen the worst, and I survived, never again, never again, never again…
(And then I went to Albus.)
/Did you ever second guess that decision/
(Never once.)
XIXIX
Ginny nearly screamed in frustration, flinging the book she had been reading across the common room. Hermione and Ron, who were just returning from their nightly rounds, entered in time to see the book smack against the floor. Hermione shared a look with Ron before leaning down and picking up the book, but she decided not to remind Ginny that Trelawney had made her promise not to cause any damage to her precious works.
Ron slid into the seat next to his sister, and Hermione across the table. She pulled the charts Ginny had been working on all weekend over to her and immediately saw what had upset her so much.
"What does this mean?" she asked.
Ginny shrugged dejectedly. "I'm not sure. But I've found thirteen different prophecies that seem to say that one day, the only hope for salvation just lays down, closes his eyes, and never returns."
"But what does that mean?" ask Ron.
"I don't know. But there are six more that say he does return, but only after another offer, or another memory, or, I don't know!" Ginny wrapped her head in her arms and slumped onto the table.
"We have to go to Dumbledore with this," said Hermione, gathering up the parchments. "It could have something to do with whatever has happened to Harry."
"It does have to do with Harry," said Ginny, her voice muffled through her arms. "I can feel it… I just don't know what it means. I don't know what to do."
"We go to Dumbledore," stated Hermione definitively.
Ron pulled Ginny to her feet. "She's right. And luckily, we're Prefects, which means that a 1:00 am visit to Dumbledore's office on a Monday night is more than acceptable." He put his arm around Ginny's waist and said kindly, "Come along, Genevieve. Maybe we can trade this info for some answers."
XIXIX
/How can you live after that/
(I survived for some time. But not anymore. I became a spy again because I had to. But I have no future after this war. I've given all I have to offer.)
/Thirty-six years ago, I was a boy named Harry Potter. I was an orphan and an outcast. An awkward kid with a penchant for attracting murderous dark lords. I narrowly escaped with my life several times. And I was tired. I was tired of being so far removed from everybody. I was tired of people dying. I was tired of always being the Boy Who Lived, and never just Harry. I was just some stupid kid with way too much good luck and bad luck for his own good./
(Who are you now?)
/I don't know. An amalgam maybe. Some guy with far too many bad memories./
(It's the memories that wear me down. They make me who I am, but I don't want to be that person anymore.)
/I don't want to be him either. I want my parents back. I want Sirius./
XIXIX
Ginny Weasley lay shaking on her bed.
She wasn't getting any answers. Dumbledore had thanked them for their work, and told them everything was okay, that Harry was okay. Ginny wanted to kill him.
She floated through classes the next day, barely registering anything.
She hadn't even bothered to go to class today. She felt like a huge chunk of her was missing. Like she was slipping away.
Maybe she was only his sister, but Ginny knew without doubt that Harry was not okay.
XIXIX
"Something's wrong."
Snape slammed his way into the cottage, pushing Lupin aside as he once again reared to attack. He swept swiftly to Harry's side, sitting on the bed and staring hard down at him, studying the unconscious young man. Snape took his hand and held it tight.
"Nothing's changed," said Lupin behind him.
"Something has. Harry, can you hear me?"
/I have no future after this war. I'm so close now. All I have to do is reach out and I know they'll come for me./
Snape jumped when he heard Harry's voice speaking into his mind. "Harry, what are you doing?" he shouted in alarm.
/I remember you didn't believe me, but I did contact Sirius. He came to me. They'll all come this time. I'll go to them if I have to./
"Oh Merlin." Snape rounded on Lupin. "Go get Dumbledore," he yelled. "Now!"
Lupin bolted from the room without question; Snape could hear the firecall in his quarters through the open door.
"Harry, don't call them. Stay here with me. It's time for you to wake up now. Just hold onto my voice and come back."
/Sev, there's no future there. All there is, is a past I don't want./
"There is a future, Harry. Your future. That past is mine. We can sieve it out, but you have to wake up. Come back. Give me back my memories."
/It's too late for that, Sev./
"No, it's not, Harry! We can fix it. I was there. We can fix it together."
/No we can't. It's too much. I'll never be enough. I see that now./
Snape was shaking, his face drawn in panic. "Mr. Potter," he snapped. "You will wake up this instant!"
/That was thirty-six years ago. You can't scare me now./
Snape choked. "Please," he whispered, begging.
/You deserve it, Sev./
"What?"
/Forgiveness. I've decided. I know it all now. I know why your future closes in, and I know why you grieve. I know why you blame yourself for everything. But I forgive you. You deserve it./
Snape shuddered, leaning over the pale figure, tears dripping onto his face and neck.
/I want you to forgive yourself. Do you think you can/
Snape heard his own rasping breath. He heard Dumbledore and Lupin gasp as they entered to see Snape crying over Harry's prone figure. He heard Harry's voice in his head, and for the first time in his life, he was absolved, and by the one person with the best authority to do so.
"I can now," he whispered.
/Good. Goodbye./
And Harry stopped breathing.
"Harry!" Snape screamed into his face. But he was shut out once again, and he knew that Harry had no intention of coming back.
Panicked, he turned to Dumbledore. "Ginny Weasley!" he coughed. Dumbledore and Lupin stared at him, pale in their fear of losing Harry. "Get Ginny Weasley! NOW!"
Lupin rushed forward and took Harry in his arms, trying to revive him. Dumbledore was gone. Snape watched him step into the fire.
XIXIX
"Ginny, you must come with me."
Ginny turned in her bed to see Albus Dumbledore stepping through the fire in her dormitory. Her eyes were drifting, and she felt very far away.
Dumbledore swept forward and pulled her up. "Harry needs you," he said quickly.
The words hit her like adrenaline and she was up in a flash. She and Dumbledore stepped into the fire and Dumbledore said, "Professor Snape's quarters."
She felt herself spinning, and tumbled forward into the dungeon bedroom.
"Where is he!" she demanded fiercely.
"Harry is in hiding through the orange door," Dumbledore answered.
"What orange door!" Her voice was nearly a scream as she turned around frantically. And suddenly, an open orange door appeared before her. Ginny rushed through and into a cozy bedroom. The first thing she saw was Snape. He was leaning against the wall, clutching a bureau for support. His hair covered his face. Lupin was sitting on the left side of the bed, rocking back and forth, clinging to—
Harry!
She ran to the bed, hurriedly climbing onto the right side, running her hands through Harry's hair, clutching at his shoulder, his back.
"What the hell is wrong with him!" she demanded.
"He's dying," said Lupin, his voice cracking.
Ginny let out a horrified noise, like her heart was breaking.
"He's in a coma," said Snape, from across the room. "He took my memories, and now he's lost in the worst of them. He can't remember his life well enough to want to live it any longer." He was standing by Ginny's side, holding a knife out to her. "You have to finish it, Ginny. Give him everything. It's our only hope."
Ginny nodded, taking the knife.
"W—what?" started Lupin.
"Twin bond," said Ginny, holding Snape's eye.
"No," said Dumbledore, stepping forward. "I cannot permit this. If you start the bond and he dies, part of you will die with him."
Ginny rounded on him. "Who the hell are you to stop me! 'Harry is fine, Ms. Weasley.' You call this fine!"
"Ginny," he began calmly.
She turned back to Harry and said, "Anyway, the bond's already started."
"I can't condone this," said Dumbledore.
"Then get out," snapped Ginny. "Remus."
Lupin nodded and placed Harry into Ginny's arms. He stood up and pulled Dumbledore away. Snape pressed back against the wall, and then it was only Harry and Ginny.
She carefully pulled him close, breathing him in, focusing on her attachment to her brother. And very slowly and carefully, she began to carve a circle into the palm of her left hand.
"Harry," she said quietly, reaching out to him with her spirit, "I hope you can hear me, because it's time. The first time I saw you, wandering around, lost in the train station, you were an oddity to me. You were the Boy Who Lived, and a million other stupid titles that distanced you from everyone, and took away from who you are. I was a child who didn't know any better. But I do now."
She took his right and began to slowly and carefully carve a triangle.
"You are Harry Potter, the shy boy who cares entirely too much what the rest of the world thinks of him. You're the awkward boy that always underestimates himself, and who saved my life. You're the true friend, whose loyalty never wavers, whose bravery surpasses all. You are the Potter version of myself."
She pressed their bloody hands together, intertwining their fingers, squeezing tightly.
"And I know you're lost in there. I can feel you slipping away. But I offer myself to you. I ask you to become an extension of myself, my magical twin. And I offer you my memories, so you can remember who you are, and finally join the Weasley family like you've always wanted. Take this, Harry, and come back to me."
…family dinners, yelling brothers, hexing squabbles, hugs goodnight and bedtime stories, broken arm, they all come running, love and comfort, coming home, only girl, they're overprotective, Hogwarts letter, special diary, telling secrets, Harry Potter, memory lapses, fear, connection, crush and idol, Harry Potter, rushes down and saves my life, Tri-Wizard Tournament, Harry Potter, almost lost him, feel it change, Order Headquarters, Harry Potter, crush is over, friendship growing, Harry Potter, risk my life, Ministry of Magic, Harry Potter, entirely worth it, he'll end the war, Harry Potter, believe in him, Harry Potter, I fall in love, Harry Potter, I'm with you to the very end…
"Ginny," he breathed.
The new twins pulled each other into a bone-crushing embrace, trembling against each other.
Lupin and Dumbledore sank into the bedside chairs, washed over with relief. Severus slid down the wall and to the floor, shuddering horribly.
Harry was the first to break the silence, when he whispered, "You're in love with me, Ginny. You never should have agreed to this bond."
"You idiot," she whispered back. "You know you're worth it."
And they smiled into each other.
"How long was I gone?" he asked, finally pulling away a little.
"Ten days," said Dumbledore, his voice shaking.
"Wait, what day is it?"
"Wednesday," said Ginny, "April 1st."
"Oh." Harry sat up and turned to the shaking figure on the floor across the room. He gazed at Severus calmly with eyes that were no longer as expressive as they once were, and said quietly, "Happy birthday."
XIXIX
XIX
X
A/N:
Yuki Kurai- Draco' a smart boy. He knew what he was doing, even if he wasn't thinking about it.
Elebereth- Yup, that's exactly what he's doing.
Ladybird- Draco/Harry- they think it's love (and who am I to judge?) but you're right about there not being trust. But in there situation, how can there be? Right now at least. Sev/Harry- you're also right that they'll understand each other better than most, but that they'd still have plenty of issues to work through. But um, Sev/Remus? No, not this story. They may become friends, but I don't see more for them after so many years of animosity (we're talking like 26 years here- in my story, Sev's 36, Remus 37). And there was never an underlying attraction that perhaps Harry and Draco had- they just hated each other. Thanks for the review!
Illucia- You called that one! All of them, actually. Yes, this is a H/D. The H/S opening is necessary. You'll see why later… (grins evilly)
Celedriel-greenleaf- I know! Never a healthy relationship for Sev.
Shadow Bandit- Yes, indeed. What will Harry do with the information? More Draco coming up. And thank you for reviewing.
VirginSuicide- You rock. You totally rock. I know I've said it already. But you do. Thanks for the awesome review, and for betaing for me.
CS Whitewolf- And you rock too! Another awesome beta/writer that I'm glad to be working with! Thank you for all your help.
B- so, indeed.
Malfoysnogger- Yes, Harry and Draco both understand each other better now… so let's see what happens after all this new craziness!
Firestar- Yay! Glad I got to cheer you up! I feel for the Slytherins too. I really hope there is something we can do for them. And that Draco took the opportunity of Harry's absence to wake up!
Usually Immaculate Aristocrat- Yeah, always back and forth- what's with him anyway? And Pansy sends her thanks for your condolences about the TB.
Wintermoon2- thanks for the beta offer, but I got a couple who are wonderful like you, but not quite as busy (so get to work with your stories! One update is not enough for me, even if Azhure did write an epic!). But um, yeah. I'm keeping secrets. For now. But here here on the parental collection, and for Harry holding his own. Confused young man- too much going on. He's doing the best he can.
Slice- oooh! I'm telling your mom! No I'm not. Anyone that would risk punishment to read my story is awesome, and I'm keeping your secret! (even if you call me a cliffhanger whore, because, well, it's true). Glad you're lovin' the character interaction. And Perenelle's ability to make Harry blush in front of the headmaster.
Nemati- I know, I know. Long wait… I'm sorry. But it was worth it, right? Brilliant idea, yes?
SheWolfe7- Yes, that is very aptly put. Draco is so Malfoy and never did (bother to?) understand Harry. Thanks for the review!
Wolfen-alysha-draco-dragon- (blushes) thank you.
Yukari- I'd like to see what Draco's going to do to get Harry back as well. It better be good, is all I have to say!
Hacen- 10! Woohoo! I rock! I'm awesome! I'm perfect! I'm the best! … ahem… um… I mean… er… thank you very much, kind reviewer.
Anon- I will always continue. Until the end, at least.
Madkornfan- Hey, I can't help it if Voldemort's got throngs of Death Eaters out to destroy Harry and everything and everyone he holds dear. And I can't help it if he's entered an angsty relationship with his rival. And I can't help it if he's going to go off and possess Snape just because he doesn't know any better. Not my fault, here! (thanks for the review)
Relle- thank you! Hope I didn't make you late!
Dragenphly- Thank you, but you know, that's really not fair of you. Sure, Draco's a fuck, but that's why we love him so dearly. But I do dig the Harry/Sev rooting. (And even the both rooting) but you'll just have to hang on to see where all that's going.
Rosalba- H/D- well, when you consider all the issues they got, it's got to get worse before it can get better. They have a lot to confront. What happens next depends on how they deal with each other and their issues. H/S- whew! You have got some very strong beliefs in that department… But let me tell you something… um, I can't really tell you much. You'll have to wait and see. But, snarkiness will continue. And mentorness to a degree. But even without the no sex promise, something's got to happen after Harry's discovery. And it could be a million things (from Harry being uncomfortable to steamy snogging sessions…) but I'm not going to say what. Glad you like the Flamels, and glad you love Ginny's extra pep-up. I was glad of how cool she was in OotP, and just had to build on that. And glad I was IC with the betrayal. Gotta love Malfoy… he's so… … … something, anyway. Thanks for the review! Thanks for sharing your POV.
Rowenna- ooh, yes. Okay, the Philosopher's Stone was destroyed, but Nicolas and Perenelle had been drinking the Elixir of life for a good several hundred years- the new and improved Elixir of Life that Perenelle designed returned them to their youth. So, even with the stone destroyed, and even if they are already out of Elixir (which they haven't told me, one way or the other), they're still only in their late 20s, early 30s physical age-wise, so they still get to grow old before they die. Harry had always assumed that they'd be old and white-haired like Dumbledore, and just took it for granted that they would die right after the stone was destroyed, which is why he was so surprised that not only were they alive, but young as well.
Silent-sounds- Oh, did I forget to say Happy Birthday? I updated that day on purpose- and then forgot to mention it… oops… ;)
Pure Black- thanks!
Verily (chapter 7)- Thanks! And, yes, I had been saving the Serious thing- because you're right, we've all wanted to use it. And thanks for mentioning the pile of Snape line! I was quite proud of that one, actually! You made me giggle.
Emeline- eep! Don't go crazy! Here it is! Here it is!
Driven to insanity- sorry I missed the 'tomorrow' deadline. I did the best I could. But I'm glad you're enjoying it, and I hope you continue to read, even though it is angsty.
Kiki- I love 'em all too! Thanks!
Terence- gasps bows Me love cookies!
Michael16119- Thanks for the beta offer, and thanks for the compliment! I try hard to keep it interesting, glad to know I'm succeeding!
Chris Tsuda- Thanks! And I enjoyed your artwork, by the way. Amazing stuff!