Disclaimer: Nothing is mine except most of the insane Ravenclaw people. Every single one of them is based on a person I know, and there is one that is me. Credits for who's who are at the end of this chapter. Poe is not mine. Lenore is awesome, and there shall be more of her later. Just you wait… *cackles*
A VERY IMPORTANT NOTE: You know how Harry had all the mini-problems in the book? Well, guess what; so does Artemis! I made up a literal horde of OC's to fill in Ravenclaw a bit for this purpose. Just you wait until Dorian comes into the picture…
Leslie and anyone else I know at school, I would like to state that I DO NOT like in THAT way any of the people my OCs resemble. Savvy?
'666' is the number of Armageddon, and can be substituted as a less polite word for 'heck'.
Let the Mayhem begin!
Chapter Nine: Introduction to 666
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Artemis stared blankly at the portrait before him. It had no special merit of any sort, unless you consider the fact that it moved special in this insane world he was in. The lady was of the crabby variety, with an uncanny resemblance to a classical Salem-style witch. On her black-cloaked shoulder was a crackling Raven of the same hue of her ebony hair, and her deep blue eyes, similar to his own, glittered with a sharp intelligence that hinted of secrets and long-dead languages within her mind.
"Nevermore!" croaked the raven, flapping his wings a bit on the witch's shoulder.
The witch shot the raven an annoyed glance, and then turned back to Artemis. "Can't stop quoting Edgar Allen Poe. Nice fellow. Met him once. A bit depressed, all the same." She said by way of explanation. "What did you say your name was?"
"Artemis Fowl, Madame." He said quietly, looking at the raven.
The woman's eyes gleamed. "The Second, am I right?"
His eyes narrowed at the witch. "Yes…" he said cautiously, and then added, "What would be your name?"
"Lenore." She said simply, and Artemis' eyebrows flew up in surprise. She laughed, and the raven joined in.
"The Lenore? From Poe's 'The Raven'?"
The witch nodded, and the Raven croaked, 'Nevermore nevermore."
Artemis' forehead creased. "Then you must have been his muse, or something."
Lenore grinned. "Yes. He courted me for a while, and after I left to go to Beauxbatons, he was rather depressed. Hence the poem about me and Ebon here." Ebon cackled raucously.
Artemis sighed. "Well, although this conversation has been most enlightening, I have business to attend to within the dormitory. Mistletoe."
The witch smiled, and swept back the hem of her black dress dramatically. The portrait opened, and Artemis found himself in the Ravenclaw dormitory.
It was an elegant affair of dark blue velvet and bronze filigree, the epitome of understated grace. Neat lapis-lazuli couches and mahogany tables were scattered liberally about the azure carpet, and twin staircases spiraled up into the stair-painted ceiling.
He craned his head upward, and he saw it was only a clever illusion that the stairs twirled away into the sea of constellations and stars, nothing more. All the same, the seemingly infinite ocean of darkness gave him a ghostly reminder of the depth of Lenore's eyes. Shivering, he went to the left-hand one, and walked slowly up it. Just in time, as well. A horde of Ravenclaws poured through the portrait-hole, and he went up the last few steps of the staircase at a run.
Cocking his head slightly, Artemis listened to see if anyone else was climbing up the bronze stairs. By the laughter, it sounded like they were having a party down in the Common Room. A crafty smile curved his lips. He could have some time to unweave the webs of conspiracy around him.
He sat down next to his chest, apparently brought here by the House-Elves, and undid the complicated locking charm surrounding it with a few intricate gestures. The lid opened without complaint, and he slid the fairy laptop out from the hidden side compartment. Picking himself off of the floor and sitting squarely on his bed, he pressed the 'on' button.
Nothing.
Frowning, he pressed it again, listening for that characteristic whirr of the computer.
A few droplets of rain splattered on the window, deafening in the silent room.
Artemis scowled fiercely at the innocent laptop. Why did these things always happen to the best meaning of people? Like him, although many would violently disagree.
He forced himself to breathe slowly, following the meditation pattern Butler had coached him in. In and out… in and out… Soon, he was logically analyzing the problem, as he always had.
Technology apparently didn't work at Hogwarts. There was no explanation whatsoever. He had thought that maybe Fairy technology might have, but, judging by the fact that Holly's rather nasty gun refused to shoot, the two brands of magic were not compatible. This could lead to some rather nasty problems.
If he could not access his criminal activities from here, the empire he had taken so long to build would come crashing around his head. He had to somehow get access to the Internet. It was only a matter of time before he became a raving loony from lack of world news. He shuddered at that thought; himself reduced to a gibbering moron would be a sure sign of impending Armageddon.
The sound outside his dormitory crescondoed, and a rattle from the stairs announced that a mob of people were coming up. Having no wish to be questioned, Artemis hastily shoved the laptop back into its small compartment and pulled out a random book.
He just managed to plop down on his bed in a position of more-or-less boredom when a dozen boys stampeded into the dormitory, chattering more obnoxiously then Lenore's raven.
"..and did you see that ace he played on Spader's queen? Whoo-wee! That was one sweet deal!"
"What about m'hand with the three kings and the queen of spades? You all got a bazillion points for that round…"
" I still say that Jack's four jacks rocked that full house of Chance's."
Card players. Artemis thought, trying to bury himself deep into his book before any more of his brain cells fried. I might have known.
To his horror, he started reading the book, and discovered that it was one of Juliet's; One hundred ways to cheat in cards.
One of the chattering boys must have noticed, because the whole horde of them decided to spontaneously group around his bed, trapping him. Before he could draw the navy-blue curtains back to retreat to safety, two of the boys had the cords wrapped around their wrists, twirling them too close to Artemis' head for comfort.
"You wanna play cards?" one of them asked curiously, his buggy eyes inches from Artemis' face. He was sorely tempted to jab them with his wand, but he desisted.
"I'd rather not." He said coldly, trying to hide the cover of the book from the inquisitive boys.
Too late; the same boy did back off a bit, but not before snatching Artemis' book from his hands. "Look at this! A book on cheating! Chance could probably use that, especially after that nasty hand of yours that you played against Spader."
One of the boys with ferociously red hair—the one they called 'Chance'—glared at the inquisitor. "I think you, Spader, need it more then me." Several of the boys laughed at the first boy, who blushed a deep scarlet.
"Well….. You couldn't even beat Jack!" the boy stuttered, red with fury. Several of the boys oohed at this, and all turned to a boy with sloppy brown hair.
'Jack' turned towards Spader, clenching his fists. " What did you just call me?" he asked, his voice soft and dangerous.
Without warning, Spader brought up his fist and in a blur punched Jack right in the mouth. Within seconds the mob of boys were reduced to a bunch of howling loonies, all trying to hit whoever and whatever got in their way.
Artemis sprang back, letting the now ripped pages fall to the floor. Evidence destroyed he thought aimlessly. He whipped out his wand, and did a blocking hex which repelled all people within a five foot radius. Many of the boys flew back, landing in conveniently placed beds, and continued to brawl.
Artemis, as inconpiciously as he could, placed a Protection Spell on him and all of his belongings. Then, almost as an afterthought, he placed one on the window as well. Drafts were a horrible thing to fall asleep to. Wading through a sea of fighting boys, he swiftly made his way through to the door—
And into the face of Professor McGonagall.
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Holly looked at the situation below and frowned. Fire-fights were fun, in a very dangerous sense, but tavern fights were only a temptation to use others as anger management. As these foolish card players were doing now.
She was currently in the rafters of the dormitory, alone and without Trouble at her side. She was about to swoop down and disarm Fowl to fulfill her long-awaited kidnap when those fools came in and within a minute started a fight worthy of remembrance. Something almost always interrupted her, whether the entry of the Carnival of Fools or having your plan hoodwinked by a rather moronic mistake. She seemed to have the worst of luck…
The door below opened as Artemis went to leave the dormitory. Frankly, she couldn't blame him. Morons were a most unpleasant thing to deal with, especially ones that—
McGonagall.
She stepped through the doorway, hazel eyes glittering with righteous anger. Artemis stepped back with one fluid moment, shock that mirrored her own precisely in his twilight eyes. All of the brawling stopped instantly, due to the aura of sheer authority that followed her everywhere. If it could stop Butler from shooting her on the spot, it was certainly good enough to stop the rapscallions.
Her breath caught in her throat. McGonagall was one of those rare individuals who acted as a bridge between the Fairy world and the Wizarding universe, someone who could always see through the biases of both parties (Not that Holly would admit she had any biases.). The carefully sown threads of agreement between the vitally different worlds, however, were coming dangerously close to shattering with McGonagall's outright refusal to assist in the capture of a certain dangerous fugitive. Every night at Faerie's Gambit, she fully expected new orders from Root and the Council to kidnap McGonagall as well.
"Mister Fowl, if you would kindly step out of my way…" Minerva said, sending a shudder up Holly's spine. They were friends, or as close as a Mud-Woman and an Elf could get. Ever since the rather unfortunate night that she had saved McGonagall from certain death, they had remained more-or-less in sporadic contact, and she acted as the primary in-between for McGonagall and the Council. But now…
Artemis did step out of the way, and McGonagall apparently could not keep back a sharp gibe. "Shoddy Blocking Charm, Mister Fowl. That is apparently something we shall have to work on tomorrow." Artemis' fists clenched, although he made no response. There was no excuse for a badly-done spell, not even for a Squib.
McGonagall turned towards the now sheepish card-players, harsh disapproval written all over her face, right down to the thin lips. "Tell, me, gentlemen, why do you think that just because the Head of Ravenclaw is currently in a discussion with some of the other teachers that you can brawl like common Muggles?"
One of the boys, identified as 'Chance' by Holly, tentatively raised his hand. "But I am a Muggle, missus." His face turned a rather nasty shade of white less then a second later. Even Holly was inclined to pity him. The rest of the boys, quite wisely, decided to keep silent, and McGonagall, apparently satisfied by the lack of noise, swept back out of the room again.
Pandemonium was instant, although much quieter. Artemis slipped out of the dormitory after the Professor, and, although sorely tempted otherwise, Holly restrained her trigger hand. When she remembered that she had nothing to shoot, however, her curses were drowned out by the fighting boys below.
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Artemis closed the door, closing his eyes against the sudden wave of exhaustion. Holly. She was still here, after him… He had thought she had learned her lesson, but apparently someone had to be given a few hexes as a reminder.
His forehead creased in concentration. Was she the one trying to poison him? The Fairies normally weren't so blunt in their methods, and the Council would surely not approve of such motives… Yet, these were desperate times, and he was one of those people that only encouraged desperate times to occur. He might be an exception to their laws…
*grrrrrrMrrrrroooooomgrrrr*
His stomach was still growling. That reminded him; how was he supposed to eat when Holly—no, innocent until proven guilty—someone was trying to poison him? He had only brought so many rations, and spells could be renewed as long as the caster had strength. Unlike someone's starved body.
It came to him like thunder. Hogsmeade. Why hadn't he thought of it before? One of the diagrams of Hogwarts had shown a tunnel that led straight into the candy shop, where all the food he could ever desire lied.
He shook his head. It wasn't the stealing part that bothered him; it was eating all that sugar. His brain could not suffer a glucose overload, except at great risk to his delicate operations. Hyper-ness was not something that Artemis looked forward to.
That left one viable option; an antidote. He had suitable knowledge of potions, since it was one of the magical arts he favored; very precise and delicate. It took a lot of skill to invent concoctions and guess at their result, and complex things were just the sort of thing Artemis loved. The spell had shown a mix of hemlock and poison water chestnut; both very virulent venoms that killed swiftly and painlessly. Whoever was trying to kill him obviously didn't bear him much of a grudge. Perhaps an antidote of chamomile and elderberry? Maybe with a touch of persimmon essence?
Lost in his thoughts, he didn't notice when the annoying red-head from the Hall stopped right in front of him and started taking notes again. When he finally realized the blue dots dancing across his vision was certainly not caused by lack of food, he glared at the girl in front of him. "What do you want?" he snapped, not at all in the mood to be disturbed from his thoughts.
The girl looked up at him, her clear blue eyes looking deeply into his own. "You have fascinating eyes." She stated simply, and returned to whatever she was scribbling.
Artemis' eyes widened in surprise. "What?" he asked, much taken aback. He had never had anyone speak to him so before. Then again, he hadn't been surrounded by people who dared to look him in the eye.
The red-head flipped her notebook around, revealing an almost perfect drawing of his eyes. Despite the fact he saw them everyday in the mirror, Artemis was unduly surprised by the depth in them. Even though it was only a charcoal sketch, he could somehow feel that they were twilight blue…
"Not bad." He said quietly to the girl, but she didn't notice, being too absorbed in finishing the drawing. After waiting a few moments, he swept past her. She didn't even care, but turned to get a proper view of him for her picture. At least, he hoped it was for the picture.
With one finger delicately trailing the bronze rail, he walked down the stairs, taking careful note of his surroundings. Not all the boys had been up there arguing about cards, or any of the girls, for many of them were down there gossiping away. He was about to turn around to more interesting events when Cho caught sight of him. "'llo, Artemis! Want to join us?" Several of her friends giggled at this, but Cho shot them a withering glance and continued. "We're talking 'bout some of the Gryffindors!" One of her friends muttered under her breath, 'Harry Potter.', and the whole group burst into a fit of renewed laughter. Cho remained quite cool, and turned back to Artemis. "Come on!"
Artemis shook his head; he despised gossipers. If you had little better to do then to talk about someone's mistakes and their popularity, they had no life. And apparently, the whole dormitory was full of these potential inmates at the local insane asylum. S
Someone to his left grabbed the sleeve of his shirt, and he whirled around, only to find himself looking down at a smallish boy with wide brown eyes. "Can you help me?" he asked, eyes entreating for aid.
Yes I can help you. Artemis thought. With a nice Quieting Hex and a Petrifying Curse to boot. He loosened the boy's rather harsh hold on his shirt, and it tore with a definite rip. Quite angry now, he turned to go to the dormitories where he had at least his books to escape to when the red-head walked right into him. Suffice to say, oil pastels were in places they were simply not meant to be and papers were flying in the air.
Artemis, muttering darkly about what he would do once he finished The Calling, practically ran up the stairs to the dormitories. So this is what dear Hermione had to live with last year. Morons at every corner and flying objets that somehow manage to stain even the reputably stain-proof Armani loafers. Right now, he would envy the man in The Pit and the Pendulum. At least he knew what he was dealing with.
He was not pleased that, when the door opened, a deck of cards flew right into his face, accompianed by the soaring body of Chester 'Chance' Berling.
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I didn't get half the stuff I planned on getting done this chapter. Oh well. Did you like it? Lots more on the individual Ravenclaw 'Morons' next chapter. None of this was planned ahead of time, although, I have to say, chapter 11 will be quite a treat if you love humor. It's already written and I know you're going to love it. Leslie, Betsy, and whoever else is reading this from MY school, that is where the 'Hot Guy' incident has been transfigured for this story.
Next chapter is primarily the beginning of the next day (I take things slow, in case you haven't noticed. I prefer stories with lots of story to them, and thus most of mine shall be the same in that respect.), in which Artemis gets a rather unpleasant schedule, and I catch up on various other characters. Probably a check-up on how Mary Sue and Juliet are settling in, how Butler is handling the reporters while keeping dear Angeline Fowl out of the matter, and the fate of Root's cigars. Nothing is set in stone yet, but it shall be something like that.
I have gotten a few questions regarding Hermione; namely, is she going to fall for Artemis in this. The answer is a definite 'No', at least for this particular year. I am wary of writing romance, since I happen to have little interest in it (I'm barely 14, for goodness' sake). If anything, it shall occur around late 3rd year or 4th year (I'm leaning towards the 4th year, myself) and is probably not going to be Artemis/Hermione and certainly not Artemis/Holly. I have a vague idea, but I don't know yet.
Does anyone know the head of the Ravenclaw House? I looked and looked, but I couldn't find it. Merci!
And one last thing; the sequel to this is going to be out of Hogwarts, after he recovers his memories from EC. I already have the outline done (It's a very rich story that leans more on emotional complexes then humor, although it IS there) and the first 5 chapters. Another version of it is going to also be made for things outside of the Magic and Mayhem sequence.
I plan to write these until I am old and gray. It can just keep going on and on and on and on and on…
Longer reviews with more helpful advice shall probably be mentioned on this, if it is any incentive for more critiques. I like advice! I want to grow as a writer, not just sit and stagnant.
Namárië,
*`~Nallasariel the Weeper