Disclaimer: I'm sick of writing these. Leave me alone.
A/N: I know I've been promising this for a while, but it's finally going to happen. Muhahaha.
Chapter Fourteen: Blackmail and Beans
It only took Artemis a few minutes to get to the Great Hall for lunch, and as he walked along he formulated his plan.
He knew he probably shouldn't do it; Hermione was the closest thing he'd likely have for a friend here, and he was looking forward to intelligent conversation for once. If he did this, he wasn't sure that he would ever be forgiven.
On the other hand…
He smiled as a new idea came into his head, although it disappeared quickly at the growling of his stomach. Perhaps he could get away without any of the blame, and place it upon one who displeased him immensely.
Before him was the many selections that represented lunch, although with the venemost spell he could see that his plate was poisoned. There was no spell he knew of that would get rid of that sort of poison, and whenever the food came in contact with even the area around the plate, bowl and goblet it simply became inedible.
Whoever made this poison, Artemis decided, did not think things through. Although the poison itself was artificial and was obviously made by someone who knew what they were doing, the would-be assassin left many loopholes. The poison, itself a hybrid between spells and potions, was designed to be undetectable for most spells and only affected objects that were not alive. Had it been slightly adjusted, it could have affected not only the food but Artemis himself. A frightening thought.
With such thoughts of self-protection in mind, Artemis decided that the lunch hour would be better spent writing the essay assigned for Potions. After all, evenings were for reading The Calling or figuring out how to fix his Fairy laptop.
It did not take long for neighboring students to question his motives; Chance poked him annoyingly in the shoulder with his wand. After erasing the ink-streak this caused from his half-finished essay, Artemis asked, "Yes?"
Chance grinned, red-gold curls flopping across his face. "Wanna play Hearts? We need another player." Jack and Spader on the other side of the table nodded emphatically.
"You didn't seem to mind playing with three earlier." Artemis pointed out, returning to his essay.
Out of the corner of his eye Artemis could see Chance shrug carelessly. "It's better with four, and the stupid Second Years don't want to play Yukor. Come on, everyone's saying you're a genius. Prove it."
Artemis said nothing, only adding an exceptionally outrageous flourish to his otherwise spider-like writing. As his teachers at St. Bartleby's would later discover, this meant he was annoyed.
"He's no smarty." Jack pouted, shuffling the deck. "He's just scared of losing!"
Spader nodded, ridiculous black curls tossing in the air. One of Cho's followers looked about ready to swoon. "And I wanted some real competition."
This made Artemis look up from spell-checking his parchment, blue eyes glinting with amusement. "You think you can beat me."
Spader nodded, dark brown eyes gleaming with anticipation of his own. "Easily."
Artemis slipped his parchment into his practical black book-bag and scooted slightly closer to Chance. "Which game?" he inquired, folding his hands on his lap. "Hearts?"
Jack nodded sourly. "Yes. But I can beat anyone in Yukor. Stupid Spader likes his precious Hearts, but I can beat him at Yukor any day. Hearts is all luck."
"Is not!" Spader protested, elbowing Jack painfully in the ribs. "Hearts takes way more strategy!"
"Is too!"
"Is not!"
Jack began dealing out the cards, silencing everyone instantly as they inspected their hands. Artemis' wasn't bad, assuring the genius of his victory. A matter of fact, he would have won had Hermione not chosen that moment to appear behind him before he was ready.
"Fowl?!" Hermione demanded, crossing her arms. "Have you seen my copy of Magical Me?" Apparently, the picture he had found came from one of the many pages dedicated to such things.
Artemis shook his head. "No, mademoiselle. I would check your book-bag again."
Hermione peered suspiciously at him. "Are you positive you didn't see it during Lockhart's class?"
"I promised nothing." Artemis responded evasively, returning to organizing his hand.
Muttering about the idiocy of rich snobs, Hermione flounced off to question some other Ravenclaws that had sat near her.
Chance leaned over. "Are you sure you want to play this?" He waggled his thick eyebrows in a way that he apparently thought was suggestive.
"I do not know what you are talking about." Artemis responded coolly, studying his cards.
Spader grinned, reaching across the table to nudge him in the ribs. "We play cards all the time. We know a lie when we see one. Now, what were you planning with Granger's book?"
Artemis eyed him speculatively. They weren't quite as stupid as he had thought. "What does it matter to you?"
They all leaned in until Artemis could feel their hot breaths. They weren't terribly hygienic either.
"Plenty." Jack said, trying to see Artemis' cards as he leaned forward. Artemis, ever-mindful of the backless benches and what occurred last time, scooted away from Chance. "She's smart, arrogant and Potter's friend. We'd all love to see what you have planned."
"If I tell you, will you back off?"
Chance and Spader nodded, although Jack gave one last regretful look at Artemis' hidden hand before doing so as well.
As much as Artemis disliked giving away his schemes, he could not do this without having three obnoxious boys hanging over him. Without a word he drew the paper he had prepared from his book bag, and, folding it so the 'rEeD IF u wAnT uR PiCtuR bAk' was clearly visible, placed a simple alohamora charm on it that would send it soaring towards Hermione's seat at the Gryffindor table.
All three of the card players grinned. "Blackmail."
Artemis nodded, returning to his hand. "Yes, to put it bluntly."
"But what did you demand?" Chance asked, eyeing Artemis with growing admiration—and fear.
Artemis shrugged. "Bernie Bott's Ever Flavor Beans. And Jack, it's pass to the left, not across, s please refrain from leaning over so far."
Jack drew back, covering up his poorly-executed attempt to peak at Artemis' cards with a face of astonishment. "Beans?! Why not something cool, like Galleons or a kiss?"
Artemis shook his head. "I have no need for some petty girl's gold, nor for anyone's embraces. Beans shall suffice for now." But you want gold. He reminded himself. It doesn't matter to the great Artemis Fowl where it comes from.
He brushed these thoughts away when he caught Hermione looking at him furiously from the Gryffindor table, crumpled note in hand. Painting a confused expression on his face, he shot her a look he figured to be bewildered.
Chance slid the three of his cards over, prompting Artemis to give Spader the three cards he had decided on giving up. "But beans?!"
Artemis sorted the new arrivals into his hand. "I have a certain fondness for them," he said, trying to sound as ashamed as he could, "and a certain lack."
Jack shrugged, laying down the two of clubs to start the game. "I guess it's a matter of taste then."
Artemis made no response, instead eyeing the angry young witch approaching from Gryffindor as he laid down an ace. Her opinion of Artemis seemed to have lessened since backing him up in DADA class.
"What is the meaning of that note?!" Hermione snapped as she stalked in between the Ravenclaw and Slytherin tables, attracting many curious gazes. "I know you're a vile little criminal by nature, but really, isn't this a bit far? That is my book you stole, my book!"
Artemis smirked. "It wasn't me, mademoiselle, nor do I wish to be in possession of yet another of Lockhart's thoughtless creations. What proof do you have that I did it, in any case?"
Hermione blushed. "None, but—but you're the one who sat next to me when it disappeared!"
"I assure you that I am not the perpetrator in this, Miss Granger. My friends here," he waved a careless hand towards the card players, "shall back me up in this."
Chance smiled at Hermione in a flirtatious fashion. "Innocent until proven guilty."
The other boys nodded, the very essence of offended innocence. They truly were excellent actors, albeit ones that didn't seem to convince Hermione the slightest.
Hermione drew away, eyeing the boys with obvious distaste. "I realize that, but…" She sighed in defeat. "Fine. But mark my words, if it was you that stole my book…" She trailed off, and stalked off back towards the Gryffindor table, looking thoroughly annoyed.
Once she was out of hearing range Chance grinned. "I never knew geniuses were so thick." He glanced at Artemis. "No offense."
"None taken." Artemis responded evenly, picking up his won hand from the table and setting it besides his book-bag. Lockhart's photograph tried to get a better look at the cards, and somehow managed to break the Silencing Charm to annoy Artemis with various playing tips (All rather stupid).
Jack smiled as well, placing the queen of spades on Artemis' three of diamonds. "Where does she have to drop them beans off?"
Artemis shrugged. "I told her to fly it up towards the ceiling, where I shall later bring them down from."
Spader narrowed his exotic eyes in speculation. He seemed Arabic in blood almost. "Wouldn't she be watching those beans to see who brings them down? She isn't that stupid." Chance snickered in agreement.
Clever clever. Artemis thought. They aren't as thick as they appear. Not the least.
"I shall handle it." he said after several long moments, playing the queen of spades on Spader's ace of diamonds. Spader did not look pleased by that turn of events. "After all, I am a genius."
Spader scowled at Artemis, scooping up the hand and the thirteen points that came along with it. "Shut up while you're still ahead, since your girlfriend's coming over again."
Artemis bit back a threatening retort—that was a very low blow—and turned to face Hermione.
Spader burst into bitter laughter when he saw Artemis had fallen for his bluff, earning an annoyed glare from everyone present. Artemis had made his second official enemy here at Hogwarts.
Jack bit voraciously into a ham-hock, and displayed the half-chewed contents as he interrupted the sudden silence. "Vour tur', Arthemiz."
Artemis played a heart, and glanced over Spader's still-laughing form. Hermione, barely visible over Hufflepuff's table and thinning occupants, was in the process of levitating a box of Bernie Bott's Ever Flavor Beans. Weasley at her side did not look please; perhaps the Beans were once his?
Mine now. Artemis thought dully, slipping out his wand as he carelessly gave Chance another point.
An idea struck him, and he fumbled with the lower half of his Potions essay for several moments before ripping it up in a show of violence. Lockhart's photograph looked genuinely scared and ducked behind a convenient chair in the picture.
"Whatcha doing?" Chance asked, picking up his won hand as he watched Artemis proceed to write a new letter on the ripped parchment.
Artemis made no response, instead folding this note similarly to the last and sending it soaring in an erratic path towards Hermione, who was watching the floating Beans like a hawk. The parchment, as soon as it floated in front of Hermione's face, distracted her long enough for Artemis to snag the Beans with a charm and bring it down to the table. Hermione looked positively furious at herself for not seeing who had taken the Beans, and the range of suspects was getting larger as more and more people began noticing the chocolate frogs she sent upwards as well (Taken, Artemis assumed, from her own personal snack-hoard for the day).
Chance leaned over, looking at the Beans with growing admiration. "She actually gave you them for a stupid book?"
"What did that note say?" Spader asked sourly, still annoyed about losing that round to Artemis. "Wanted to take a little moonlit walk with her by the lake or something?"
Artemis' eyebrows arced in surprise. Spader was certainly one to hold a grudged. "Hardly. I was requesting three chocolate frogs."
"Quite the sweet tooth, eh Arty?" Chance teased, nudging him again in the ribs. A bruise was surely developing there.
"Goodness knows he needs it." Jack cut in dryly, picking up the last hand. Everyone but Artemis began tallying their scores.
Spader grinned, writing thirteen under 'S' on the score sheet. "Lit'l scrawny Artykins, trying to gain weight? Pity; he'll lose that lovely anorexic figure."
Artemis was sorely tempted to place a hex on him, preferably one that would involve a Pinocchio-affect. "Don't call me that." he said quietly, his voice soft with malice.
Spader, however deep his grudge, was not stupid. He backed off, placing a sloppy zero under 'A'. Within a few moments everyone else's scores were tallied up; Chance with one, Jack with twelve.
Sweet as one-round's victory was, Artemis looked up towards the ceiling. The chocolate frogs were just waiting for him. So was half-a-House of people, all watching the chocolate frogs speculatively. They may not have known its purpose by the ceiling, but they were certainly interest in it.
Chance echoed his own thoughts. "Howya going to get them down?"
Artemis placed one elegant finger to his lips. Now that this deal had been given so much attention, people would be listening. As inconspicuously as he could, he drew Lockhart's photograph from his bag and, after placing a timed silencing charm on it, he turned around and located Draco Malfoy at the table behind him. Muttering alohamora under his breath, he directed the photo half-in and half-out of Malfoy's bag, located conveniently in the aisle between Ravenclaw and Slytherin.
It only took two more rounds of Hearts for people to lose interest in the levitation chocolate frogs, although no one, surprisingly enough, tried to take them from mid-air. Hermione was not stupid enough to let something like her hoarding Lockhart photographs let out—she had a reputation to protect as well, albeit a very boring one—and she was too righteous to lie about something like that. It was perfectly possible that she had lost the entire copy of Magical Me, but Hermione would be a good deal more desperate to get a book back then just a simple photograph.
Smiling, Artemis thought back to Defense Against Dark Arts class. Come to think of it, she had been short of one book. Magical Me. It must have been it.
However, Hermione would be suspicious of simply a photograph from it. He needed the entire book, and done in a suitably fangirl-ish fashion.
Grimacing, Artemis leaned over towards Chance. "Does your sister have any, ah, liking for Lockhart?"
Chance looked at him quizzically. "Rachel? Er, I guess—Hey! How did you know she was my sister?" The other two card players looked at both Chance and Artemis in shock. Apparently, they had not been told either.
Artemis sighed. He hated having to explain what really was but simple logic. "You and the red-haired girl in our House look very alike, and both have blue eyes—something very uncommon amongst so-complexioned people, which I am, quite frankly, curious about—and you have similar voices. Not only that, but you embraced like siblings earlier, and it is my understanding that you both come from the Isle of Man." He paused. "Correct?"
"She's my step-sister, actually." Chance said, sounding dazed. "We wanted to keep it down so people wouldn't bug us 'bout Mum's… you know…" He trailed off helplessly, and smiled weakly at Jack and Spader, both stunned.
Artemis ignored the following exchange, mostly consisting of 'Dude! Why didn't you tell us about any of this before?!' and 'Can I go with your sister?', and other such sentiments. Most were shrugged aside.
Hermione had certainly stopped watching the chocolate frogs by now, only sparing glances at them every once in a while. As soon as she slipped her eyes from it again, Artemis quickly brought them down, making sure that anyone still watching would be adequately confused by the zigzag path they led through the Hall before slipping into his hands.
Artemis looked up from the happily croaking chocolate frogs to look at Hermione. She looked quite pleased, and was marching over to Ravenclaw table even as he looked.
He mentally cursed himself. She must have traced his spell somehow, or placed a line on it.
Thinking quickly, Artemis put yet another alohamora spell on the chocolate frogs and slipped them into Draco's bag, next to the photograph. He kept the Beans.
Chance leaned over, dealing a new hand as he was at it. "I think the game's up, Artemis. Might as well eat the evidence."
Artemis shook his head. "No, it's not up yet."
Hermione turned the corner, following a seemingly invisible thread that stretched from the tip of her wand. Head bowed towards the ground, she did not notice who the 'culprit' of Magical Me was until she looked up and saw the back of Malfoy's head.
Slytherin table suddenly turned silent when they caught sight of Hermione, as well a the Ravenclaws close enough to watch. This would be an excellent show.
"Where is it?" she asked icily, clutching her shaking wand.
Malfoy looked up from his seat at her, clearly confused. "What are you ta—"
The sound of a resounding slap echoed through the Hall, eliciting laughter from all.
"Give me back my book!" Hermione cried, stabbing her wand at Draco's forehead. "I know you have it!"
Malfoy shook his head numbly, gray eyes darting around for Crabbe and Goyle. Unfortunately for him, they had taken a bathroom break. "I don't know what you're talking about."
Had any of the teachers been present, they would have also stopped the flash of a Coloring Hex, and Hermione's thievery of both chocolate frogs and a peculiar piece of parchment. Strangely enough, it had Lockhart 's signature on the back, with a 'and Hermione 4 eva' beneath it, surrounded by many hearts.
Artemis turned to the card players, placing the two of clubs down. "Beans, anyone?" He held out the open box.
Grinning, all three of them reached into it, pushing at each other to have some first. Once they had all grabbed a fistful each, Artemis took the rest as a well-earned reward. After all, he had not yet had breakfast.
He choked as he ate the first one. Vomit.
Dang… That wasn't as good as I had originally hoped…
Oh well. I'll go through and edit it for you shortly. Completely edited versions of OMAM and the re-done versions of the first few chapters shall be available next week Wednesday, along with the next chapter.
I am working on a short story for Artemis Fowl, and I was wondering if anyone would like to help me with it. It's basically an exploration of Artemis' mind. Please, only those that have very analytical minds and a deep understanding as to what Artemis truly is.
Namárië,
Nallasariel the Weeper