What I Hope To Be

To understand the heart and mind of a person, look not at what he has already achieved, but what he aspires to. - Kahlil Gibran

Rimmer glanced over at Lister putting his shorts on. He was grinning inanely like a kid that had gotten away with nicking sweets. Rimmer hid his own smile as Lister caught his leg in the wrong leg hole and fell sideways. "Left leg in the left hole, Listy. Simple enough, even David Beckham can do it. You should have learnt it back in secondary school at the very least."

"Smeg off," said Lister, grinning ever wider. "What're you doin' for the rest of the night?"

"Resting, most likely. I think I'll read that book. You?"

"TV and beer."

"Ah, a staple diet indeed," Rimmer said. He couldn't quite work out the strange atmosphere between them now. It wasn't as unsettling as before but it also didn't seem relaxed either. There was still a sense of being on edge with one another. It reminded Lister of the time he'd caught his mate's girlfriend naked. Whenever he looked at her from then on, she wasn't his mate's girlfriend. She was the girl with the Betty Boop tattoo and brown mole on the left shoulder. He saw her and saw them.

He saw Rimmer and he didn't see a smeg-head with an Oedipus complex and inferiority issues. He heard desperate moans and a face distorted by orgasm. He felt unsure but willing hands. Their relationship, or whatever it may have been before, had completely changed. Would life always be like this? Normal daily bickering broken by lustful and curious invitations.

Yes, that was the new feeling enveloping them. Somehow their passion for fighting had grown into another kind of passion. Their encounters had felt incredibly rough and primal. There wasn't the same sense of building up as there was with a woman. Their loneliness and lack of sex in the last couple of years had made them ready for action and the drop of a hat. In this case, it was the drop of a shirt.

I couldn't believe what was happening at the time. I'd never had oral sex before and Lister was mind blowing. I'm a little concerned that I may not have been his first, he was that good. When it came to my turn I just couldn't do it. I knew I would disappoint him. I don't know why I've suddenly made it my life's goal to please him but everything between us has felt like a competition. Who had the worst childhood, who had the worst jobs, who had the worst love life.

So I just had to win at something but the very idea of going down there filled me with the dread that I wouldn't be any good. He was understanding, and we carried on as normal but I felt so guilty. I don't think I've felt guilty before. He had done it for me willingly and I'd turned away. I promised him I'd do it sometime. I promised myself I'd surprise him the next day.

Rimmer was as good as his word and when Lister returned from his curried breakfast, Rimmer was sat up in his bunk expectantly. "Erm, hi?" Lister said: dumbfounded as to why Rimmer was sat seemingly waiting for him.

"Hello, Lister. I'm bored."

Lister grinned, taking this for a coded language meaning 'let's get it on'. He shut the door and it wasn't long before they were tumbling naked beneath Rimmer's covers. The bunk constricted their movement greatly and Lister decided to try and convince Rimmer to, next time, move their antics to the Captain's bed. Rimmer's sense of loyalty and fear of superiors would prevent him from agreeing straight away but the advantages would eventually come to outweigh his cowardice. The others would never find them there and a big bouncy double bed offered more prospects than a tiny hole in a wall.

Lister looked at him now as he adoringly kissed him. His eyes were so much brighter and warmer than he remembered. The fluorescent light reflected in them and highlighted the flecks of green and gold in the autumn-brown iris. "Alright then, I'm ready," said Rimmer and he held his breath and made the exhilarating journey downwards.

"What's goin' on 'ere then?" said Holly as she popped onto the screen. Rimmer made a short and sharp, "Gwack!" sound as he jumped and whacked his head against the top of the bunk. "Bloody... Holly? What the smeg do you want?" he spluttered.

"Oooh, I wouldn't do that if I were you. Don't know where he's been." Lister rolled his eyes at Holly and told the wall screen to turn off and then switch to private status. "There," he said, "now she can only come on if it's an emergency."

"Emergency, emergency. Curious computer will die if she doesn't get to watch the sexy freak show of fuck buddies - Dave and Arnie," Holly announced monotonously. A double glare attack from the two men made Holly reconsider her position. She considerately switched off and left them alone. But not before adjusting the security camera angle to face their beds.

"'Ere you'll never guess what I just saw," Holly said, her blank face hiding her true excitement. Kryten had just finished watching his one guilty pleasure - the long running soap opera 'Androids' - and was not in the mood for Holly's twittering. He had clothes to wash, sheets to fold, hairballs to clean up. The Cat moved one of said hairballs aside slyly and ignored Holly also. "I'm going off for a nap, I don't have time for your garbage," he announced before twirling and grooving out of the room.

"Lister and Rimmer in bed. Together."

The Cat halted in mid twirl and lowered his arms from their look-at-my-sexiness position. "Say what?"

"Yup, caught the sneaky blighters at it. You alright, Kryten? You've gone paler than normal." Kryten had indeed gone pale. His circuits had chatted together and shrugged shoulders before concluding that this was the sort of news that could kill a mechanoid like Kryten and had all agreed to shut down simultaneously, and all in seven nanoseconds. Kryten shut down and fell to the floor. "Oh bloody 'ell. I knew he'd be a little frazzled by the news but I didn't think he'd pack up like that."

"Well, what did you expect? He's practically Lister's mom and to find out he's gay? And not just gay but gay with Rimmer? That's more than any parent could handle."

"You seem to be handling it quite well."

"Baby, they can be as gay as they want so long as they don't dress better than me. In fact, I encourage it - more ladies for me if you catch my drift," the Cat winked and carried on his merry way to his quarters for a nap.

"Calm down, Kryten," Lister urged the distraught sanitation robot. Holly had disturbed them again to report Kryten's hara-kiri act and the two disgruntled and sex-starved men had fixed Kryten only to be set upon with angered questions and bitter remarks. "Calm down?" he trilled, "calm down?! How can I be calm when you and Mr Rimmer are... doing those kinds of things. With each other! Desecrating your body with… acts of… naughtiness."

Lister scratched the back of his head and blushed heavily, "We haven't... I mean we're not... y'know. Like that. It's a boredom thing."

"I suppose you'll be getting the Cat to join in next," Holly grinned. " I'm sure his ability to lick his own crotch will come in handy."

"Hey Rimmer, could we-?"

"No, we could not!" Rimmer snapped furiously at Lister. And as for Kryten's allegations. He made it sound like he had led Lister astray! He was peeved that he held Lister in such a high regard. What a mechanoid's boy Lister was.

"I suppose there's nothing I can do to persuade you otherwise, Mr Lister?"

Rimmer explained as slowly as he could for Kryten's primitive robot brain, "It's going to be this way until we find women or until you fix Rachael."

"I'll get right on it, sir," Kryten said enthusiastically and brushed past him deliberately.

Rimmer shook his head and rubbed the bridge of his nose jadedly. "Did you see that?"

"Yes. I saw, Rimmer."

"He nearly knocked me over! That was on purpose!"

"I know," Lister soothed. "Don't worry, he'll get over it when he sees it's not such a bad thing. Though he has made me think a bit."

Rimmer paused before asking, "Think about what?"

"How far this is going to go. What're we doing, Rimmer, and why? What happens when we do find women? What if we only find one woman?"

"Then the man she doesn't pick will have to become reacquainted with his own hand. It's a temptation to over think this but if we do it'll be spoiled. Remember when we almost had a 'talk' about it? Well, as it turns out we didn't need a 'talk', did we?"

"Just a very fun shower," Lister said, his boyish grin spreading across his face like melted butter. Rimmer smiled too and they agreed on gentleman's terms that words were to never be used again except in their usual friendly insult matches.

I don't know why, but in that moment I forgot all about my contempt for every other living thing. I'd found someone willing to share my life. To talk and play games with. To banter with and tease. Lister doesn't judge me like the others do. Even though Kryten has now forgiven me and accepted our ways, he still calls me a "Smeeeeee".

Lister calls me names and takes the mickey, like all friends do. But he senses a human being inside me who's considerate and loving. I'm not sure where he is or if he even exists but if Lister believes in me then so do I. Lister has a way of making good things eventually happen for him. I hope I'm a good thing. I really do.