"So, er Sam. Did anyone ever tell you about the birds and the bees????"
"Oh no Mr Frodo. I hate those birds, they eat all my strawberries."
"Yes, quite, quite. Erm, well, Sam. Have you ever...er, it's Rosie's birthday soon isn't it???? What're you gonna get her????"
"Oh I don't know Mr. Frodo."
"How about a new dildo????"
Sam blushed.
"Oh yes, maybe Mr. Frodo. She ahs a collection you know, but I don't know whether to get her a blue one or a polka dot one, she has so many Mr. Frodo, and then sometimes she says a cucumber is enough Mr. Frodo and, and, shuddup!!!!"
"Ah ok Sam. Erm, have you and Rosie, ever, well..."
"Ever what????"
"Have you ever slept together...like in the same bed????"
"Oh yes, every night Mr. Frodo. Sometimes Eleanor joins us too!!!!"
"Erm, sure. But have you slept together...without any clothes on...????"
"Oh yes Mr. Frodo. I, er, misplaced my pyjamas!!!!" Sam chuckled.
"Erm, Sam you don't seem to be getting me, erm, Sam. What is down your trousers????"
"Oh Mr. Frodo, that's quite a personal question..., erm" He looked down. "Well, the piece of string."
"String???? Down your trousers????"
"Yes, Mr. Frodo. It's tied around the brick."
"There's a BRICK down there????"
"Yes, I should really take that out of there..." He reached down his trousers. "Ooh...no, actually, I think I'll keep it down there..."
"Is there, anything...else????"
"The stones."
"STONES????"
"Yes, Rosie brought them back from her work in Gandalf's sack."
Frodo was speechless.
"Ok...Sam have you ever has SEX????"
"Er, Frodo, Mr. Frodo, I don't know, er, that's quite, that's a, er, Mr. Frodo, well, er, SHUDDUP!!!!"
"Well???? Have you????"
"Well the thing is, I'm not really Sam."
"I'm not really Frodo, Sam. I am...Elijah Wood!!!!"
"GASP!!!!" said Sam. "I'm not Sam, I'm...Orlando Bloom!!!!"
"Oh my god...oh god...urgh..." Elijah threw up.
"What." Said Bloomy-Boy in a monotone.
"You, we, you raped me...all those years ago..."
"What???? When????"
"You were drunk, against a lamppost...urgh there was blood everywhere..."
"Ok..."