I know you think that I shouldn't still love you
I'll tell you that
But if I didn't say it
Well, I'd still have felt it
Where's the sense in that?
I don't know what's happening to me. I'm weightless and free falling, and yet I'm being shoved and pushed. I feel warm and yet there's so much pain. It's so peaceful here, but the screams of the world ring in my ears. The white emptiness surrounds me, but I there's nothing more that I want to do than escape this place. There's danger here. I don't know what and I don't know why, but I want to get out of this place NOW.
I think that I've been here before, in this white place that's soft like a cloud as nails dig into my skin. Yes, it's vaguely familiar. Once when I was eight years old, Wyatt "accidentally" stabbed me with Excalibur. But Paige saved me with her healing powers before I made it all the way to this place.
Looking around, I realize that I'm crying. I don't cry; it's just not my nature. But I'm realizing that the screams are those of my little sister and cousins, of Leo, of Darryl. Bianca. She's calling out my name now, begging me to come back.
As I search this place, I know that there's no escape. I'm dead.
"It's over for me, isn't it?" I ask whatever's keeping me here. "Just please answer me. I'm so sick of this. Always wondering, never knowing. Don't make me wait. I need to go back."
Predictably, nobody answers. The screams from Bianca are becoming more intense, piercing through me like daggers. Their pain, their regret, their anger. It courses through my vains and it's all because I'm dead.
"I don't want to die. I'm not finished. Can't you see that I have things to do?" Tears slide down my cheeks. Crying is the weirdest sensation I've ever felt. "Hold on. I'm coming back." I wish Bianca could hear me. I wish I could snuggle with the twins and read them bedtime stories, I wish I could take Prue by the hand and tell her that I'll protect her from the demons, I wish that I could ruffle Andy's hair and call him my little buddy.
Memories flood my mind. I can't lose them. Without me...I don't even want to know what will happen to them. They're only little kids.
"Andy, take care of them. Prue, remember that you never have to be afriad of the dark. Catty and Cassie, always stay innocent and good." I heave a sigh. "Could you just kill me now and make it short?" I choke out to the bright, vast space before me.
"You've waited long enough, I suppose."
I promise I'm not trying to make your life harder
Or return to where we were
Well I will go down with this ship
And I won't put my hands up and surrender
There will be no white flag above my door
I'm in love and always will be
"Who are you?" I demand. There's nobody hear, but I feel a presence. And then I realize what's happening. I can't see or hear anymore. I've been stripped of all my earthly abilities. The voice is inside my mind, and I've heard it before. At Catty's and Cassie's wiccaning.
"Grams?"
"Yes, that would be me. You've caused quite the uproar here, Christopher Perry Halliwell."
"What do you mean?"
"You weren't meant to die; the Angel of Death never collected your soul. We can't explain it. Anyways, while you've been waiting, we've been arguing."
"What about?"
"Your survival. We all see the great things you've already done, the lives that you've touched. And we can see what you are going to do. Chris, you have great potential. You're a hero. Never forget that."
"Wait--what's happening?" Suddenly her voice is a whisper a million miles away. I'm spinning. All is chaos and I'm seeing red all around me. With all my heart I pray for the madness to stop.
I know I left too much mess
And destruction to come back again
And I caused nothing but trouble
I understand if you can't talk to me again
And if you live by the rules of 'It's over'
Then I'm sure that that makes sense
It's sticky, gooey, and wreaks of a coppery metallic smell. I moan and the liquid squishes in my fingers. I feel no pain but I'm exhausted, on the floor...in the kitchen of the manor.
I ease myself up to my feet, drenched in blood. Whose blood? I look around frantically for an answer. There's a boy on the floor, a gaping hole in his stomach. I reach my hand toward him, frightened by what I may find.
Wait--where's my hand? It's gone! I don't have a hand! I gasp in shock, looking down at my torso. No legs, no stomach. It's as if I'm not even here. What's happening to me? Again I stare at the boy and know immediately that he is dead.
The boy is me. I'm dead.
You might think that you'd freak out at the realization you were dead, but no, not me. It's an eerie sort of calm, like it's impact hasn't really hit me yet. I'm too shocked to say or do anything but gape at the lifeless figure. Me, dead, on the floor. And this must be what it feels like to be a ghost.
"But...but why didn't I move on?" I whisper. "Why am I still here?"
This is your chance to prove yourself. Prove to us that you deserve to live.
My head snaps up. "Why are you doing this?" I cry, but at the same time I know there will be no answer. Nobody ever answers me...it's been that way for a long time.
A muffled sob from the banister catches my attention. It's...it's--Leo?
Well I will go down with this ship
And I won't put my hands up and surrender
There will be no white flag above my door
I'm in love and always will be
No way. Why does he care whether I'm alive or dead? It makes no sense. He never cared about me before. Like I said...nobody ever answers me. Ever. Yet here he was, staring at the dead kid on the floor. Ugh, it's so gruesome to think that that mangled thing is me. And what the hell am I supposed to do to prove myself?
To be perfectly honest, I've never seen Leo cry before. I feel kind of sympathetic. I mean, it was my fault he was crying, because I was dead.
My expression hardens. It was HIS fault for ignoring me. It was HIS fault I was dead in the first place.
"Leo....dad," I correct myself with a sigh. I know he can't hear me. "I'm not dead. Not yet. There's gotta be a way."
Leo freezes in place for a moment, and his ears perk up. I back away from him, not letting him get too close.
"I wish you were still here," he whispers.
POP.
What made that noise? I wonder. I look around, but the house is empty. It's just me, Leo, and the dead kid--erm, dead me. I look over at Leo again.
"Oh, shit." It's Barbus at Leo's shoulder.
And when we meet
As I'm sure we will
All that was then
Will be there still
I'll let it pass
And hold my tongue
And you will think
That I've moved on
Barbus doesn't see me at my first, and I can read his lips from his distance, whispering into Leo's ear: "It's all that girl's fault that your son is dead. You have to kill her...you have to kill Wyatt...you must kill those elders that didn't break the spell..."
"No!" I choke. "It's not true! It's not their fault, it's not anybody's!"
Barbus pauses and the dazed expression in Leo's eyes at once becomes alert. "Barbus," Leo whispers.
"That's right, it's Barbus," I confirm, hoping he can get my message.
"You," Barbus sneers. "You're ALIVE! How can that be?"
"You tell me," I mutter, flicking my wrists. But Barbus doesn't freeze, blow up, or even move with telekinesis. I stare down at my hands again. Oh, right--the whole "dead" thing doesn't exactly have its perks.
Barbus is looking around the kitchen, eyes narrowed. "Where are you?!"
He can't see me! I run over to Leo and say, "Leo, don't listen to Barbus. It's a lie, all of it's a big lie. You have to resis--"
A hand grabs hold of my neck and pins me down to the floor. Damn, I can still feel pain in death. And anger--plenty of it.
"I can't see you, but I can hear you," Barbus cackles. "It's time for you to say good-bye." He aims a fireball at me on the floor, but I quickly roll away from it and jump to my feet. I have the advantage for once. He has no idea what he's aiming for.
"You know, this isn't the first time you'll die. You may get away now...but you just wait eight and a half years, and then you'll see..."
"What the hell are you saying?" I demand.
"You're destined to die, Chris Halliwell. And I'll be right there when it happens." With a tsk-tsk, he shimmered off.
I know where he's going. He'll never give up and tell he's turned somebody off the edge because of my death.
"The proving thing will have to go on hold," I call up to the elders. That is, if anyone's listening.
Well I will go down with this ship
And I won't put my hands up and surrender
There will be no white flag above my door
I'm in love and always will be
Go to Barbus. Stop Barbus. Follow Barbus...I've got to save them!!
Finally I open my eyes with a jolt, trembling all over. I'm in Bianca's living room, and Prue, Andy, and the twins are on the couch. The twins are fast asleep, Prue is crying, and Andy is pale in the face as if he's in a trance. I reach out to his open hand in his lap, but phase right through him. I utter a small cry as he shivers, almost as if he can feel me.
But he'd never know.
Besides, I can't linger. The pain in their eyes...
"I'll be right back," I promise, knowing that finding Barbus is more important.
"Okay," he says sleepily, not really realizing that he heard me. I manage a weak smile before turning away to face Bianca, sitting in the kitchen with her head in her hands. Her hair's been tossled by the wind and she's been crying.
I wish I could feel bad, but I don't. Conflicting emotions course through me. I love her--I HATE her. She saved me; she killed them. I want to rip her from piece to piece, bit by bit, and yet I want to hold her forever...why is she doing this to me??
"You killed him. Killing them meant nothing. They killed him in the end, and you both lost. Chris died because you left him all alone with four kids and a club and demons...You'll never see him again and you didn't even get to say good-bye."
"Stop it," Bianca moans.
"You have to kill Leo for ignoring him. You have to kill the children for burdening him. You have to kill the cops for coming too late..."
Bianca's eyes glaze over. "I have to kill them," she repeats.
"No!" I scream. "Bianca, listen to me! Please, Bianca!"
"She can't hear you," Barbus laughs. "She's mine!"
"Shut up!" I yell, fuming. "You're wrong! She'd NEVER--"
"You're anger is consuming you," Barbus laughs evilly.
Bianca, in a trance, slowly rises from her chair towards the kitchen utensils. She's going to kill them. The realization seems to hit like a bullet. I have to do everything I could to stop her.
"Bianca, no!" I beg, running to her and grabbing for the glimmering blade she no clutches in her hands. But my hand passes through her. "Stop! You can't! The didn't do anything!" The knife hovers over Andy's head as she shakes.
"ANDY, RUN!"
The boy's eyes snap open and he lets out an earshattering wail of fright at the sight of Bianca and the knife. Lynn rushes into the room and Bianca's eyes are vibrant and full of life in an instant.
"You won't stop me," Barbus growls.
Well I will go down with this ship
And I won't put my hands up and surrender
There will be no white flag above my door
I'm in love and always will be
"You watch," I shout back at him. Suddenly the entire room is blowing around violently, a tornado seeming to develop around me. So consumed in my rage, my passion, lights begin to shatter and a powerful force of light erupts from around me.
"I won't let you win. No longer will you torment the ones I love...no longer will you feed off the fear, the anger..."
"What, you think you can defeat me? You're too scared of failing. Of ending up evil, just like your brother. Of letting Wyatt win...of letting me win...but most of all, ou're scared of losing them." He indcates the small children and Bianca, as if ready to shoot them dead.
Red lights blare in my face. So much energy goes into my one task...All the pain I've endured seems to penetrate my every cell, all the sadness, all the rage, all the memories spin inside my head. Alone, helpless, worthless. He's right. I don't matter.
NO! I can't let him win, that's what he wants! With a last cry, the energy bursts and the room fills with light. Barbus screams in agony, sinking to the floor. He burns up into a pile of ashes on the carpet.
The red fades from my eyes and I collapse to the floor.
I will go down with this ship
And I won't put my hands up and surrender
There will be no white flag above my door
I'm in love and always will be
But as I hit, I realize...I felt pain. I'm solid.
I'm alive.