Author's Note: Yes, you read the summary right. This is Pro-Shelle. I know, I know, 'WTF?', right? But this really is essentially a Phillip fic with a Phan ending. I don't know, I think it's kind of angsty. I hope I captured Belle's character well because I don't usually take her very seriously in my stories and just use a whole bunch of exaggerated Belle stereotypes. I'd love to hear what you think, so reviews are awesome.
"I'm sorry, Phillip."
Her hand was placed over his in a comforting gesture and her voice was soft; it should have soothed him, but it only served to intensify his anger and hurt instead. He raised his head and forced himself to look at her. The sky blue eyes he had always managed to get lost in were now filled with a condescending pity that set his teeth on edge and made him curl his hands into fists. She felt sorry for him. That was perfectly natural though- he was the one who was the loser in every sense of the word, he was the one that had been left behind when all the pieces of Belle's life had fell back into place perfectly, like interlocking puzzle pieces.
She was happy again. He could see it beneath her mask of compassion, that little sparkle of life behind sad, sympathetic eyes. He had once believed he would have given anything to see that from her, so genuine and beautiful. But now that happiness was there and it wasn't conjuring up the feelings of warmth and contentment he had expected to feel. Of course, he had always expected her to be in love with him when those feelings emerged.
"I never expected things to go so far with you," her lower lip trembled, "I thought we could stay friends. And then Shawn came back and he was so angry..." Belle trailed off, a sniffle punctuating her words. But she didn't cry, Phillip had to give her credit for that. Then her shoulders straightened and she continued, "He's still angry. After his motorcycle accident, there's still so much neither of us knows about what happened this summer. But we want to try. We love each other, we really do. He doesn't love Jan and he's certainly not going to marry her."
"But he- he left you," Phillip's throat was constricted with an emotion he didn't want to identify, the same emotion he had felt when he had realized that Chloe had chosen Brady over him, "And he wasn't there for you."
Belle's eyes were swimming with tears, "I know. And I wish there was some way to find the answers, to know why he didn't come back when he knew how much I needed him. But I don't know if I ever will. And maybe I need to accept that because I don't know what I'd do without him. He was my first love, my only love."
Her words hit him like something ice-cold and sharp, right in the pit of his stomach. She seemed to realize that but was unable to retract her words.
"I'm sorry," her fingertips fluttered over the back of his hand helplessly, "I've always loved you as a friend, Phillip. But I don't think I'll ever be in love with you. I have so many regrets. I should never have tried to move on with you when I knew in my heart I wasn't ready to. Our making love... you were amazing, Phillip. But it was wrong. And as much it's hurt me to know we slept together, I know it hurts you more. Because I gave you false hope when I shouldn't have. I should have said no, I should have stopped it before- I'm sorry, Phillip. I'm so sorry."
I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. She kept repeating it over and over, unaware that each time she said it felt like a slap to Phillip rather than a consolation. She was sorry they had made love. She was sorry she had given him a chance. She was sorry she had wasted precious hours of her life with him when she could have, should have, been with Shawn. That's how she felt, he knew that.
"Did he tell you he was sorry?" Phillip's voice edged on neutral now, with the faintest hint of hostility tainting it, "Did he ask you to forgive him for the way he treated you? Or are you just going to take him back without making him say it?"
"We're both sorry," Belle replied tearfully, "We both feel so horrible about the mistakes we made and we want to make sure nothing like that ever happens again. It's a mutual understanding."
"Right. I guess that means he didn't apologize." Phillip responded, a muscle in his jaw twitching.
"He didn't have to!" Belle replied passionately, several tears spilling out of her eyes. It took severe restraint but Phillip didn't reach up to brush them away, "I know he's sorry. I know how he feels. We've always had this connection. It's never left us, not even when we were separated. That's why we have to try again, because of that amazing connection and because I love him. I love him so much. I don't want him to be angry anymore. I want him to be happy again, I want both of us to be happy again."
Because I obviously never made you happy, Phillip thought bitterly, hating Shawn, hating himself for not being Shawn, a part of him even hating Belle for running back to Shawn.
"But, Phillip, you will always be my friend. I'm sorry for hurting you. I never wanted that to happen. But there's one other thing," the warmth of Belle's touch left his hand and he could almost feel the cool air hitting the newly uncovered patch of skin. He fought back the urge to shudder.
"What?" he asked and the word came in almost a croak.
"Shawn won't see me unless you're out of the picture. Unless we're not together, which makes sense and at the same time, it doesn't. Because technically, we never really were together."
It was disgustingly ironic to hear her say as she sat on the couch in her loft, the same couch she had asked him to teach her about sex on, the same couch he had given her a massage on, the same couch they had kissed and touched each other with hot, open mouths and hungry hands on. And just above them was Belle's bedroom, containing the bed they had made love in. But now that Shawn had slid back into the position of Belle's boyfriend, none of that mattered to Belle.
"I need you to move out," Belle told him softly in a careful tone, "Shawn doesn't feel comfortable with the idea of you living with me anymore. I know it's short notice but Shawn wants you to move out of here as soon as possible. I'm so sorry."
Slap. Closing his eyes and bracing himself against another onslaught of emotion, Phillip nodded slowly, "Of course."
After moving his things out Belle's loft and into Lucas' apartment for a temporary stay there, Phillip drove down to the gym at Salem University.
He performed his workout alone, his muscles flexing and rippling, his chest heaving, his heart pounding. He did chin-ups, push-ups, sit-ups, lifted weights and worked his way through every available exercise machine until every muscle and joint in his body throbbed and ached, almost enough to make him forget Belle. Almost.
Now that it was over, Phillip was disgusted with himself for not realizing what was happening until Belle had brought it to his attention. He should have been able to see what had been going on. Belle always sneaking off to 'confront' Shawn, the fights between Shawn and Belle that became increasingly subdued, Phillip always waking up in Belle's bed alone... But he hadn't. And maybe part of the reason he hadn't seen was because he hadn't wanted to.
He should have forced himself to see it though. It had to happen eventually. Belle and Shawn always found their way back to each other and a shredded uniform, motorcycle crash and engagement to the high school tramp weren't going to stop that. Even Phillip had to begrudgingly admit that they complimented each other perfectly. After all, they were so much alike.
Both of them were so naive, they had even been virgins up until the point where Phillip and Jan had stepped in and changed that. Even now, they had been with few people besides each other. They both dreamed the same- Phillip had always known that both Shawn and Belle wanted to get married, live in a house with a white picket fence and have lots of giggling, bright-eyed children. And they had always wanted these things with each other, of course. They had these perfect, ideal jobs going on too. Shawn worked at Mickey's law firm and if he didn't continue with that, he wanted to go into baseball. And Belle was a fashion designer at Basic Black.
Even their parents were the same. On Belle's side, you had John and Marlena. Everyone, excluding Sami and maybe a few others, knew Belle's parents had been destined to be together. They had always found their way back to each other up until the day Marlena was killed and even then, John didn't stop loving her, and vowed to prove Marlena's innocence. Then there were Shawn's parents, Bo and Hope Brady. Another set of people that didn't look right when matched up with anyone else. They had overcome so many obstacles together. And now both of Shawn and Belle's parents were dead. It was just one more way Shawn and Belle were alike.
And neither of them had ever had to worry about not being wanted. Belle had always had her group of admirers. Phillip had wanted her, Shawn had never stopped loving her, hell, even Rex had been attracted to her before he found out they were 'related'. And if it wasn't Belle hanging off Shawn's arm like a loving puppy dog, Jan or someone equally crazy about him would be waiting in the wings. They had little experience with what it felt it like to be unwanted. The only person that had probably ever turned Belle away was Brandon Walker, during a time when Belle was still in high school.
Phillip loved almost everything about Belle. But she just too beautiful on the outside, too sweet and loving on the inside and then too hopelessly devoted to Shawn with her entire being. She might as well tattoo it across her forehead: "I'm Shawn's bitch". No, that wasn't fair. That wasn't the way it worked at all, the loss and rejection was getting to Phillip, making him bitter and scornful. But he knew that Belle loved Shawn with all her heart. When she loved someone, she did it wholeheartedly, no pun intended. That may have been the only way Phillip was like Belle.
In all other cases, the two of them couldn't have been more different. Phillip's father may have died but his mother was still alive and a big part of Phillip's life. Belle didn't have that. And his father and mother would never be classified as a great, fated couple the way Bo and Hope and John and Marlena had been. He was a marine, which was a far cry from a lawyer, baseball player or fashion designer. And he would never be classified as naive. Sure, he hadn't been with a huge number of women but he certainly knew what he was doing. And Phillip didn't really know what he wanted from the future, let alone if it contained white picket fences and flaxen-haired toddlers.
And he had experienced more than enough rejection in his life. With Chloe and with Belle, the two main loves in his life, he hadn't been lucky enough to have someone waiting in the wings to snatch him up. He was so different from Belle. Too different from her to have her fall in love with him. They had been a mismatched pair from the beginning. It made perfect sense- Belle still loving Shawn and Shawn still loving Belle. Of course they would be the ones who found their way back to each other. They were alike in so many ways.
Phillip wondered if that was what everyone needed. He wondered if everyone was supposed to find someone who was like them. Maybe people used to look for people who were mirror opposites from themselves but it was different now. Because when you really thought about it, it would be so much easier to understand and fall for someone you could relate to. Someone who's like you.
Which was the only explanation Phillip could find when he pulled Jan into a corner of Alice's Bar a few nights later and fused his mouth to hers in an almost brutal kiss. And maybe that was why Jan kissed him back.