Disclaimer: I do not own any of these characters (shame).
Dear Harry and Ron,
I know not how to tell you what I've been wanting to say for a while, thus I am putting it to writing and I hope that you will understand and one day forgive me. I've been keeping a secret from you for. I feel it eating away at me and now I find that I cannot keep it any longer. I never cried about it or showed any signs that something was amiss, for I know you would have asked me what was wrong like you always do. But I couldn't tell you because I feared you wouldn't understand. So here I am confessing it all on a paper instead of pulling out some of my Gryffindor courage and telling you all of this face to face like friends do.
For the last year I have been involved in a relationship with someone you would never approve of and always hate. It's what people would call a scandal, though I find I do not really care much about what people say anymore.
It all started last Christmas when we met at Hogsmade to celebrate, we hadn't seen each other for a while, after we finished our last year at Hogwarts we all went our separate way and it would have been our third Christmas apart so we decided to meet up and celebrate for old times sake. We were sitting around a corner table in the three broomsticks; as usual it was crowded with people enjoying the holiday and intent on spreading the Christmas cheer. After a few drinks it began to feel a little to crowded and stuffy for me, so I went out to get some fresh air - you probably didn't even notice I had left you were occupied else where, well Harry actually, I saw you snogging Mrs. Twibbly and Ron was nowhere to be seen. Seeing as how you were both distracted I left the pub cast a warming charm and walked down to the lake.
The biting cold wind was howling around me snapping at the trees, bullying the leaves and broken twigs whirling them around. I fell deep into thought about how my life had changed since I found out I was a witch, went to Hogwarts and met the best friends I'd ever had, I was unaware of everything around me. Little did I know how much more my life was about to change with the faint whisper of a soft voice from behind me I almost didn't hear. "Bit cold isn't it to be standing out here alone when you should be celebrating with your friends in the warm pub, isn't it Miss Granger?" I was startled, when I turned to face the stranger, to see that it was none other than our feared former potions master Severus Snape. "One could say the same for you." I replied "But then you were always one to hate holiday cheer." He was his usual snarky self being all high and mighty like always and I had no need for his snide comments and with my part said I turned to leave. Snape though seemed to have other plans for he interrupted my leave by stating how magical the star lit sky was! Shocked and confused that Snape had actually said that I just stared a him then he asked if I agreed with him. I had been so deep in thought that I had not noticed the sky, at his question I cast my eyes upwards and was truly amazed at how magical it looked.
And that was the start of it all, right there, we kept talking amiably and after a while I had forgotten that it was the hated Professor Severus Snape I was talking to. It felt completely normal almost as if I had been doing it forever. I felt completely at ease around him. Before I knew it, it was midnight and we were wishing each other a merry Christmas.
If someone had told me an hour before that I'd be with Snape on Christmas eve I would have personally admitted him to St. Mungo's. But you never know when your life is about to take a turn and that night was a major turning point in my life. That day I went home feeling better than I had in ages. After that we kept contact by mail and later we started meeting on weekends and every time, just before I meet him my heart would beat faster more excitedly and I began to realize that I was falling for the dark complicated man I had come to understand, trust and respect. We had decided to keep it a secret for a while until the time was right since he was still doing some secret work for Dumbledore and I could be a target to the remaining few Death Eaters who were hiding.
As the days passed and turned to months we got closer and I was happier than I'd ever remembered being. I'd be in his chambers at Hogwarts and we'd sit in front of the fire and talk for hours on end, we could talk about anything and everything, argue and fight and still I'd feel closer to him than I had ever been to anyone else, and I knew that he felt the same even if he didn't say it. But I always had that lingering fear that it was just a dream and soon I would wake from it and face the reality. It was like living in a warm safe cocoon for a while.
Sometimes he would go on one of his missions for the Order to make sure there was nothing being planed by the remaining Voldemort supporters. At times like those I'd stay at home worried and wondering that he'll come back alive. The last time he left was three months ago, he didn't come back. The day after he left Dumbledore sent me a letter asking me to go to Hogwarts for a talk. I had assumed that he wanted to talk to me about my relationship with Severus, which I had suspected he knew about from the beginning. When I got there, however it was not the twinkly eyed headmaster who greeted me but a sad looking Dumbledore. Instantly I knew something had gone wrong and it had something to do with the mission Severus had left for. He explained that there had been an attack by a few of the remaining Death Eathers trying to reunite their supporters. Severus and a few others from the order fought them but were outnumbered. The bodies were identified but Severus' body had not been found; only the necklace with a charm I had given him was found. My body went numb and the overwhelming feeling of loss claimed me and clutched my heart I almost fainted.
Back home I locked myself in my room and cried my heart out, I was devastated, shocked and angry at Dumbledore for making Severus go on these missions, for knowing everything that went around him except for knowing were Severus was. I was angry at Severus for going on these missions instead of staying home with me instead of seeking redemption for his past sins long forgiven.
Two days later there was still no news as the search continued. You as Aurors had been part of the search, it was during that time that we had our last fall out when you both complained about how you had to go looking for Snape's body and that you'd rather leave him were he was, dead. I lost it then and screamed at you telling you how heartless and selfish you both were after he'd saved your necks in the war. I still couldn't accept that he was truly gone, something inside me kept telling me that he was alive somewhere. My dreams though plagued me with scenes of fighting and death, I'd sometimes wake up screaming. Still I told no one of us. Always my dreams would follow that of an old man in fisherman clothes walking down a cobble stone road to an old cottage. I could not make ends of my dreams and as time passed hope of him ever returning to me started to fade. In my silent grief I could no go on without him. I got depressed and my excuses to you would be that I was stressed and you seemed to believe it not realizing it was something more.
I had totally abandoned my dreams and had even considered ending my life a couple of those times, only then I'd see his face smiling at me and I could swear I heard his voice whispering, telling me to stop, then I'd go back to bed take a dreamless potion and let another day pass waiting for the other to begin and bring back with it the pain that consumed me.
Friday was like all the rest, I got up went to work and the day passed as if I were in a trance. That night I found that I was out of dreamless potion so I braced myself for a night full of nightmares once again. I dreamed of that old man in fisherman clothes again walking down the cobble stone road with small whitewashed cottages on either side and stop in front of the furthest one, turning to look at me right in the eye before entering and leaving he door ajar as if inviting me to go in. I could almost feel the sun shining from between the roof tops and the salty breeze from the beach nearby. It felt so real almost as if I were there. It was the first time I hadn't had a nightmare in weeks. I also finally came to recognize the little village the man had been walking through. It was just like Severus had said it was the little fishing village he used to visit with his family when he was still a child. It was the same one he's said he'd take me to after we were married.
There is were I'm going now, I do not know if my search for him is in vain or if I have dreamed of it because it was dear to my Severus but it is something I have to do for I cannot continue to live like this. I do not know what I will find and maybe I am wrong in assuming that he is there sick and injured but I have to find out. I do not know what I will do once I found what I need to know but I hope that I'm right in going there.
I hope that you will forgive me for keeping all these secrets from you, and I know that you might not want to talk to me ever again, I do not blame you, I would have felt the same where I in your shoes. But you'd do the same if you were in mine. I hope that you understand that my heart is with him.
Love always
Hermione.
A/N. Hope you liked the story, plz hit the go button on the left side of your screen and reviewï