:Chapter Two: When I pretend

Sometimes; many times; Alex had thought of ending her life. But somehow, she felt tied to reality. With no family, no friends, no purpose (and possibly no rent), what had she left to live for?

She groped around tiredly for a shirt on the table by her bedside. She snatched a tank top and threw it on with some jeans. Buckle up boots where part of today'stodays outfit.

For some reason, she felt angry as hell and she wasn't going to take it any more.

Jumping into the small car (You see, she had trashed it over the years. ..Beer bottles, drugs...Knives..), who's chipped paint created a worn and unworthy illusion of "old", she pressed the petal. Hard.

She drove angrier than she should have; zooming past the mall, past the movies, past that disgusting end of alleyway area where Dex used to live. Joanne was starting to surface, but Alex denied Joanne passage.

She was going to drive off the cliff.

Rage flowed through her blood. Why? The question swam with many others in her mind. Something important happened last night; but what was it?
Her memory faded as quickly as it had come; vanishing into dreams and dust and air.

No clues.

And now she was going to die.

Screw this! So what if I hit a truck?!
Maybe it'll end my life faster!

Matching her mood, she played some of the old rock music that she'd grown to name her "only friends".

We're not gonna take it

No, we ain't gonna take it,

We're not gonna take it anymore...

Not perfect enough.

Click.

I cannot take this anymore

Saying everything you said before

All these thoughts, they make no sense

I found this is ignorance

Less I hear, the less you say

You'll find that out anyway...

Just like before.

Almost..But..click.

Is this the real life?

Or is this just fantasy?
Thought caught in a landslide

And escaped from reality?
Open your eyes

Look up to the skie—

Click.

Then something made her stop.


I am young, and I am free

But I get tired, and I get weak

I get lost, and I can't sleep

But suddenly, suddenly

How does it feel?
To be

Different from me

Are we the same how does it feel?

Not now. To angry, Avril. She needed something fiercer.

And that's when it surfaced.

Last night I saw that beauty queen

Watched her paint her face on

I wanna be that magazine

That she bases life on.

Wanna waste her monthly blood

Wanna get some on my love

Wanna get some gasoline

AND BURN THE HOUSE DOWN!!

She's got nothing to say
she's got bill to pay

She's got no one to hate

Except for me...

She parked the car.

No need to lock it.

She let the music fill her senses on the cliff.

She found herself head banging.

If she had remembered Pete, she might have had a scarce amount of respect for him now.

It amazing what years of betrayal and bullying can to do a rich snob?.

Last night I saw that beauty queen

Watched her cut her face off

Wanna be that magazine that she bases life on

Wanna waste her monthly blood

Wanna get some on my love

Wanna get some gasoline

AND BURN THE HOUSE DOWN!!!

Who was the "she" this man was referring to?

She remembered...remembering—Last night. She knew who then.

Who...

Mary.

The rage boiled. The morning was still early; 4:00 AM was too to early to be out.

Sure no one was there; Joanne did something she had been waiting to do for years.

Really let Alex loose. Pulling her hair loose, and blasting the music to loud to here her screams, she began.

"AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!"

Her hands crawling and pushed the sides of her head together. She felt like her skull was splitting.

She's got nothing to say
She's got bill to pay

She's got no one to hate

Except for

ME!!!

ME!!

ME!!

ME!!

Last night I saw that beauty queen

Watched her paint her face on

Wanna be that magazine that

She wipes her ass on.

The shrill sound penetrated the air at the beginning of the third verse. She probably sounded like a death metal fan. But she didn't care. She heard herself letting it all out.

Her throat was dry and by the end of it, her voice was hoarse. Her tangled black hair distressfully clung to her face as she cried out.

"I'LL KILL YOU! I'LL KILL YOU ALL ONE DAY! FOR THE HELL YOU PUT ME THROUGH!"

The radio barley drowned her screams.

"AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!!! YOU'LL ALL PAY! ESPECIALLY YOU, MARY! I HAVEN'T FORGOTTEN! I'LL NEVER FORGET!"

Wanna waste her monthly blood

Wanna get some on my love

Wanna get some gasoline

AND BURN THE HOUSE DOWN!!

She's got nothing to say
She's got bill to pay

She's got no one to hate

Except for

Me.

Something inside her was released that day. Somehow, she felt fabulous about it. Everything; the tension, the hatred, the angst, the insanity; was gone. For now. She felt clean.

The throbbing pain in her head subsided. She was exhausted.

She was ready.

It had to be done tonight.

Something had to be done tonight.

She was glad she hadn't killed herself.

Because...And only because—There was one more thing for her to do before she passed on.

And it had never been clearermore clear to her now.

"AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!!! YOU'LL ALL PAY! ESPECIALLY YOU, MARY! I HAVEN'T FORGOTTEN! I'LL NEVER FORGET!"

She was to kill Mary. Mary (Last name here).

The maniac grinned, looking back to her car. Flames where painted on the bottom and the rest was black. Small knives stuck out under the seats and a crowbar. If you look carefully, you might see cocaine in the back from that time that robber used it as his getaway car (long story), and the left side window was broken. It was no longer the perfect, prized car she had cherished. She'd changed it.

O Mary. Now that I remember, I can't wait for you to see how much I've changed. And how much blood you can loose until your consciousness slips between your fingers.

She was driving home late into the night. Tomorrow, she would begin my search for Mary and Dex. Was Mary still with Dex? And what about Shep? She was sorry she had been snatched away from school. Forced to live in the sewers. She was sorry she could only travel by sewer pipes and subways, underground passages where she was safe.

She was so sorry.

She had really loved him, you know.

And four years was a long time.

At first, she had found him a toy: To use and throw away. But her mind was on him a lot. She missed him.

She'd left him behind.

"How could you be so FREAKING stupid?!" She hissed at her reflection in the cracked mirror. "HOW could you just leave him?!"

Wait. She'd...She'd...

Remembered.

And It really did hurt...

Deeply.

Emotional scars she kept buried began to receive new pain...

And now that she'd realized everything and was putting together the puzzle pieces, she'd never forget.

Shep would stay the same.

He'd help her.

Right?

Mary and Dex made him this way.

And Pete. Horrible Pete.

She'd kill them all.

Breathing hard, she realized she had nothing; nothing to lose.

But a helluva lot to gain.

Putting the car into reverse, she found herself turning around.

She remembered Shep lived in the nicer end of town.

Maybe he was...He would probably still be there. Who would move out of a mansion?

The same people who move into mansions, Her mind yelled angrily.

Heart pounding hard, She drove slowly, steadily...Watching the house numbers. Gah! It was so dark!

Is this even where Shep lives?

What if he moved?

Her heart sped into a panic.

The familiar sound of crunching metal filled her ears....

"Oh god, oh god, oh god..."
Memories flew back to her. The operating room came back. The dizzy gas numbing the pain she couldn't feel; or maybe it was so bad she could barley feel it. She remembered screaming.

This time, it was only her bender.

Thank god.

She should not have come. It was nearing the winter; families where reminiscing. What if she hit a car with children?!

O god, she hoped not...

Stepping out of the car, she was glad the other car had slid on ice and had barley meshed her bumper. He had swerved and stopped by a lamp post.

"I'm sorry," She said, in a usual state of monotone. Her voice did not waver.

"I'll pay for the damages."

A silhouette turned his keys and clicked the unlock on his car door.

"I'm looking for someone," Alex continued, "Do you know anyone on this street by the name She—"

He stepped out of the car.

No. It couldn't be. It couldn't be.

"Pete?"

Oh shit.