Chapter Four: Yes, I'm all alone in the end

Only one person had ever said that to Shep. Years and years ago...It seemed like forever...He was able to connect those words to a girl. A sweet, happy, slightly snobbish little blonde girl. Her name had been Joanne.

Who was this?

"Shep. Please, help me."

"Joanne....?" He began, trailing off into a mumble. Something wasn't right.

This couldn't be Joanne.

No, she was...She had to be....

"W-Who are you?"

"Don't you recognize me? I guess you wouldn't. After the...incident...I changed my appearance. I don't want to remember anymore, Shep...I don't want to hurt anymore. Joanne died a long time ago. I'm not her anymore. I never want to be her again."

Looking up, morbid tears struck her eyes.

"I'm Alexandra. And I need your help."

Sheps eyes where frozen. Something was wrong.

"Why...Why me?"

"Because you're the only one I trust, the only one I have. Shep, I've changed so much in the last four years. I had actually planned on killing myself today. But then..." She paused, wondering how to phrase this.

"Well, I saw Pete...And I happened to have a switchblade on hand..."

Shep went cold.

"You—you ki-killed—Jo—Joanne, how could you even consider—"

"Like I said, things have changed," She snapped off coldly, then regretted it and buried her face in her hands. "I'm different now, Shep...I don't want to be this way anymore... But I can't go back to being Joanne. Shep, I want to die. But I can't...Not until I see Mary in a pool of blood, screaming for mercy at the god whom had forsaken her."

In shock, Shep began to back away. Soft sobbing escaped the former blonde'sblondes lips.

I can't go on like this, Echoed in Sheps mind. Shep, I want to die.

I planned on killing myself today.

Joanne is dead.

I'm back from beyond the grave.

I'm never going to be her again...

A cool breeze escaped from the window, causing Shep to shudder. But they knew it wasn't all the sudden night breeze; Alexandra's' coldness wasn't helping to warm the room either.

For a few moments, Alex just wept. Shep ignored the urge to speak out of fear of angering the murderer; but so many things surfaced to his mind. They where memories and hopes. He had remembered dating Joanne; he'd liked her. But she'd always seemed so stuck up. She acted better than everyone else, and she had never even known it. She'd only felt she was gods gift to fashion; and like a sirens' song, her beck and call would lure a boy into a date.

Shep had convinced himself Joanne wasn't after him for his money. He figured she deserved a chance. Trusting the rumors would make him as low as the people who started them. Silence descended upon the room, deepening the already somber moment.

Finally, Shep spoke up.

"Is it... Is it that bad for you now...Alex?"

She looked up, eyes watering. Her voice trembled as she spoke.

"Yes, as a matter of fact, it is." She answered smoothly, her voice low and weak. She didn't want to sound like a helpless child, but she needed his assistance badly.

Did he catch on to the proposal she'd made?

"I need your help. Please, Shep. I can't do it alone."

Almost on cue, Shep sat next to Alexandra. He soon found himself tapping her back sympathetically. In the most fearless voice he could manage in the most sincere way he could, he muttered a phrase that she'd told herself so many times it had lost all meaning.

"It'll be okay."

"That's right," Alex answered quickly, "It will be. As long as you help me track down Mary and Dex, that is."

Suddenly Shep turned away and jumped up.

"I'm not going to help you take their lives!" "They ruined mine!"

"So you're going to kill them?"

"Yes." She answered coolly, standing as well. "I plan on it."
One second ago, she was crying and begging for help. Now, to Sheps surprise, she was demanding it.

"But I need help, Shep. I need help. I can't do it alone."

"Killing them is not the answer, it doesn't make you any better than they are," He whispered softly, moving in to comfort her again.

"Then what is the answer, Shep? I want revenge! I've gone completely mental since that day I ran away. I never wanted to come back, either. Living on the outskirts of town was one of the best ideas' I'd had in a while. School became too brutal, so I took an escape through the underground passages. Subways and sewers. Rooftops and alleyways. I lived off what I could steal and what I could kill. I ran away from all of it; that day pampered, perfect, spoiled-rotten Joanne died. But her coldness was passed onto Alexandra.

"I reconstructed an old childhood memory of the dark. Blackness surrounding and smothering its beholder. One of the scariest things in the known world is the dark. Do you really know what lies beneath the shadow or the truth behind the nightmare? The dark is everyone's worst fear because behind its ebony veil, could be anything; knives, monsters, evil; hell.

"I never wanted to be in the dark again. No. In the dark, I saw the face of Joanne. I saw the memories. I felt the pain resurface. It was hard, Shep. It was hard no one would know or care if you died the next day. And who had I to thank but Mary. Mary and her boyfriend Dex. She betrayed me, Shep. Has anyone ever betrayed you like that? I've never trusted anyone since...And anyone who knew too much, got to close...Is dead. I killed when I needed to, and each time it became harder and harder to stop. I've isolated myself from the world. From everybody.

"Except...Except for you, Shep. I've killed Pete and feel no remorse. I only feel the dark encompassing me again, forcing me into dream, reminding me...Reminding me...of everything Joanne was, and everything I still am.

I don't want to be her again. I never wanted to be her in the first place. I never really let go of Joanne. She's always been in me; in the back of my mind, the voice screaming she was sorry. The voice that cared only about herself and maybe two other people. Now, she wanted them both dead.

"Deep down, I realize I really did love Dex.

It's why I made him suffer so much. Because I never truly wanted to admit how I felt, and somehow torturing him made me feel good, because the thought of him loving the torture made me grin. I hate myself now. Its one of the reasons I've listed on my Suicide list. More betrayal reigned over my mind after that day. Alexandra had been waiting to; and today, when I stopped and decided not to drive off that cliff, she snapped.
Maybe you where awake; I had screamed all morning.

"I'm not a perfect blonde anymore. I died my hair to forget. And I wear colored contacts. I never wanted to be reminded of what I left behind."

Shep was in shock, standing there; translucent ivory took his skin color. He blinked a few times, and then coughed.

"If you promise not to physically hurt them..."

"Nothing hours of therapy won't fix."

"Damnitt! I'm serious, Joanne. If you hurt them..."

"I want them to know what they did. I don't want them to be proud any longer."

He stopped, and in an exasperated moment held his hand up to his fore head.

"I can help you find Mary. But Dex and I...We've never really been close."

Nodding in understanding, she handed him a slip of paper with a phone number on it.

"I'd prefer if you went home, Joanne. I'll call you tomorrow. Then I'll give you all I know about Mary's current life. I'm not sure she lives in this town anymore, but I'll ask Devin. He and Dex could be really good friends if Dex lived closer. . . They both share an interest in football and TV sports."

As he left, Alex heard her voice rise up above the silence.

"It's Alexandra. I'm not Joanne anymore."

But when he turned to ask her about it, she had disappeared He heard the sound of a car screeching across the pavement, and soft rain droplets against bent metal.