Misdirection leads to Direction.
disclaimer: don't own them, wish I did.
spoilers: everything up and through Third day Story.
dedicated to J/D shippers everywhere.
Donna's POV
There are things I just can't seem to understand. There are so many ways you can look at a situation. CJ and I talked about what I really needed to be doing. Then I went to Gaza and the entire way I thought about things changed.
Josh and I have a special relationship. Both of us know that under the surface we feel a certain way. We both also know that we are lying to ourselves when we avoid those feelings.
The snappy banter, the looks, the inadvertent touches, its all misdirection.
Don't get me wrong, he's one handsome man. He's intelligent, witty and have you seen him in a tux? Trust me from my view, and the fact that I get to tie that tie every time, it's enough to take your breath away.
He's my best friend.
He's my boss.
He's also Deputy Chief of Staff to the President of the United States.
Hence the problem. I have over the last six years dated a long list of what Josh fondly calls "gomers". He's had Mandy, Amy, not once but twice, and had a thing for Joey Lucas. He even had a random flirtation with a NASA scientist for a brief moment, and all the while I stood by. Ignoring and repressing my feelings. I have no doubt after this past month that he has had his share of ignoring and repressing.
I have one word. Colin. To see Josh so jealous was such a very bad thing. I wanted nothing more than to wish that he had never entered my life. But I can't go back.
He wheeled me back into the West Wing today, he gave me a pen and swore he'd never take me for granted again. I know in my heart that he's close to crumbling. Leo is in critical condition and I'm broken in pieces held together by rods and pins. He's strong but there are limits.
I see him walking my way, looking at me with such guilt. I have to stop this. He can't live his life with that hanging over him. He needs to know. I know that he'll never say it while we're in the White House.
"Josh," I say as I wheel towards him.
"What?" he asks me pouring himself coffee.
"Can we talk?" I ask him wanting to make this not about why but when.
"Sure. We can go down to the mess and get something to eat." He offers.
"No, I think what I need to talk to you about is better done outside the office." I tell him wanting to not make this sound so bad, it comes out that way anyhow.
I see him looking very nervous.
"Josh, relax. You're not being fired. I just don't want the West Wing to know my business, and to be honest, I'm getting really tired."
"Sure. Let me get my bag." He tells me looking grave. The day has not gone well for him. CJ was named Chief of Staff and he's not sure how to deal with that.
Six months ago he would have told me to talk to him after work. He wouldn't have just dropped whatever was on his desk and say "Let's go."
During the ride to his apartment we barely say a thing. "I'm dying to know." He tells me looking at me suspiciously. We had decided that staying with him would be easier since my apartment has no elevator. He offered, I said sure, it was that simple.
Inside, he helps me to the couch. "Hey, the suspense is killing me." He whines.
I figure now is a good a time as any. Time for direction, instead of misdirection.
"Josh, you don't know what it meant to see you when I woke up in Germany." I tell him. He sits next to me, and fiddles with the fringe on one of the pillows on the couch.
"You needed a friend. You are my assistant, why wouldn't you think I would be there?" He keeps looking down instead of at me. I know what this means, he's nervous and worried I'm going to slam him down if he shows the slightest bit of emotion. It's not going to happen, but he's worried about it nonetheless.
"Joshua." I say shaking my head.
"Donnatella." He responds falling back to the snappy banter. Not this time.
"A boss would not travel halfway across the world with only his laptop and passport to see his assistant." I tell him drawing a smirk from him.
"But Mr. I'm too sexy for my camera sure did." He replies defensively.
"He wasn't who I needed Josh. You know that as well as I do." I tell him daring him to look at me. I've had it with misdirection. "I wanted you and you were there. You, no one else."
"Then what was with the kisses and flowers?" he asks me again defensively.
"A response to my charm and beauty." I banter, damning myself for falling into old traps.
He replies to that by snorting. "I was lonely Josh. You know that better than anyone. But he wasn't you."
That little admission gets his attention. "Who did you think I needed, Colin? Not likely Josh. You know me better than that. I needed you. And you were there."
He sits up slightly, enjoying himself. "I am da man right?" Sometimes men are such children.
"Yes, Joshua you are da man." I roll my eyes.
Then in an instant, his face got very serious. Not your typical Josh Lyman, bulldog of the DNC. "You scared me Donna. You can't know how much."
He tells me this, taking my hand. That's it Josh, start talking. No more misdirection. Say the words. You are dying to, I can tell.
"I do, Remember Rosslyn. I remember." I remind him.
He looks at me with a recognition he had never previously showed. He had been on the other side. It made our connection something more, intimate. I let him know that I understood that he was scared to death of losing again. He'd lost so much, Noah, Joanie, nearly lost Leo. It was all a little much for him. I wanted him to know I was there for him.
Josh's POV.
I've had the worst possible day, except of course for meeting Donna's plane at Andrews. I can't let her out of my sight and could care less if the entire West Wing gives me grief about it.
Donna's talking now and I don't think I've got the courage to go where we need to be. Not tonight. She wanted to talk, and not in the West Wing. I can understand that. What we need to say isn't for anyone else's ears and I knew she didn't want to get interrupted. That's our lives. We serve at the pleasure of the President, and interruptions are a way of life.
She's giving me the "look". The one that says that she's through putting up with the line of crap I've been giving her. She knows me too well. She's worse than my mother. Scary....
I almost lost her. I won't let that happen again. But if I let "that thing" happen, as I've dreamed about for so long, I'm afraid it will all turn to...well you know my track record. Mandy, Amy, the elusive Joey Lucas they're my own little personal list of "gomers."
She's so beautiful. I can't think that enough. But if I look at her, I'm done for. She'll see right through me.
"I never thought about what you went through when Rosslyn happened. Until Colin and I sat outside the operating room. Those were the worst moments of my life." I told her feeling unusually calm. Hey why is that?
"It's the not knowing that gets you. It's the seconds in between the moments when I knew you'd live that got me. And there were so many." She told me looking at me like I had looked at her when she was unconscious.
I remembered when her doctor told me that she had lost so much blood and there could be brain damage. I didn't care, she was alive.
"Yeah. Donna?" I asked her wanting confirmation that we were going to have "the conversation."
"What Joshua?" she replied looking at me and taking my hand. "You need to breathe. This is not a bad thing."
"This is a good thing?" I say to her cocking my eyebrow.
"I hope so." She said smiling. God how I love that smile. That smile has gotten me though some really bad patches since Rosslyn. That and the twinkle she gets in her eyes.
"Kay." I squeaked. God I hate when I do that...
"Josh, there's no way to say this without coming out with it." She began.
She was going to say the words. I had to beat her to it. God, how lame am I?
"I love you." We both say in unison.
They both said it simultaneously and began to laugh as the tension was relieved. No one could have understood it better than the two of them as they sat in the living room of Josh's condo. He played with the pillow that had strategically been placed in his lap.
"Okay." He said first feeling like a teenager again.
"Okay." She replied suddenly feeling dry in her throat.
He laughed again, more from nerves than from the comical side of that part of the conversation.
"Josh, you need to know that I don't blame you for sending me there and I don't want you to blame yourself. I just want you to know I've been in love with you for a very long time."
"Unrequited love." He said thinking back to what Colin had told him. "Colin told me I was in love with you and he knew me like fifteen minutes. I hadn't realized I was that obvious."
"Oh Josh." She sighed.
"Hey, it's been a long week. I need a minute. Why would you want me, the ultimate Gomer?"
She touched his cheek, and winced. "You are not a gomer! Well, if you are then you're my gomer."
He smiled at that, her gomer. He noticed her pain and moved to prop her foot on the coffee table. They sat next to one another in the dim light. The sun had begun to set and neither of them noticed.
"Are you in pain? Do you need me to get you something?" he asked nervous again now they were so close.
"Yup. Some TLC would be great. I think the jet lag, the surgery, and your animal magnetism is just about as much as I can take tonight."
"Be right back Donnatella." He smirked launching himself off the couch and going to the kitchen.
"Are you needing to eat with these?" he asked coming back with her bag of pills.
"Yeah, what do you feel like?" she asked as he sat next to her.
"Like this." He told her as his lips gently touched hers. His hand cupped caressed her cheek and his soft lips claimed hers, like he had dreamed about for years. She surprised him, energized him by moaning against his lips. Her hands snaked through his hair and he could feel her molding against him. Thank God for the pillow, he thought.
"Wow." She whispered touching her lips as he leaned to his cell. "God, you have no idea how long I dreamed of getting some of that..."
"Like I said, I'm da man." He smirked. "Pizza sound good?"
"Oh yeah." She said still stunned. He snapped his phone closed and turned back to her. "What are we having?"
"Donnatella." He smiled as his fingers undid her hair and ran through them.
She laughed. "Tell me again."
"I love you." He said kissing her. This time he felt her desire, as her tongue teased him to join her. Her hand roamed to his chest, to the scar that nearly parted them the first time, while his ran along her stomach to the one that nearly did it the second time.
She whimpered seductively against his onslaught. His heart was beating so hard she could feel it against her breasts as he pulled her closer into his embrace.
"I love you too." She told him against his neck. "I'll always love you Joshua."
He leaned against her, heaving from the feelings he had so long repressed.
Six years of longing, six years of denial, six years of misdirection finally found direction.