A/n- Thanks everyone for reading!

Disclaimer- For the love of God you must knwo I own nothing by now..

Rating- This one is a low PG-13 for mild language.

Chapter Keywords- Lily, Holiday Blues



Seeing Grey - Part XXVI - Aegrotus Animi



Remus, what's been bothering you? Lily asked quietly during History of Magic in late November.

he muttered, copying notes absently.

Lie. What's bothering you?



I'm going to find out. she said stubbornly, smiling sweetly as Professor Binns offered her a glare.



Then why not just tell me? she said out of the corner of her mouth. She was currently practicing her skills of looking as though she was paying attention, while actually not. He thought momentarily it was good enough to put James to shame..

And pass torturing a Slytherin? Come now, Sirius would murder me. he said without smiling. And besides, it's terribly amusing to work you up.

With a frustrated grumble, she hit him on the head, and went back to her classwork.



And Gryffindor manages to blow away another match! This team is unstoppable! the new announcer said merrily as James lowered to the ground, Snitch in hand. Since the start of the season, no one had managed to put a mark on their record. But the team had a different view on playing. Gradually, they began to learn how to form plays of their own, distancing Remus away as he became less of a key player. By the middle of December, the entire game was run by James and Sirius, their friend quietly flying in the background.


In classes, he began to drift away as well. No longer the new kid, professors called upon him less. Even Transfiguration, always one of his strongest subjects, he received no attention. McGonnagal was too busy being amazed by the sudden turn over with the original Marauders. Peter managing to do something successful was far more amazing than anything he could muster up.

And so it became that he lost a lot of his connection with reality. Romolus gone, barely ever dropping a note, and his friends slightly obsessed with pranking out their fifth year, he faded into the distance. Only Lily took notice of his condition.


You're gonna tell me. she said irritably during Divination, having taken the course for an easy mark. Remus said nothing, and continued to stare off out the window, watching December snowflakes trickle down. With a irritated groan, she grabbed him by the shaggy mass of hair, and made him look at her.

Did James poison your breakfast or something? What is wrong? she demanded, making sure to not be heard by anyone else. Blank eyes stared back into her fiery own, and she let go, hand falling to her side.

she muttered quietly, getting the most awful feeling from him. For a reason she couldn't explain, she started shivering, shaking all over, and it took a long moment for her to calm down.

Remus, what is going on with you? she mumbled in a half-voice. What happened?

Quiet back there. Professor Mendell snapped, halfway into a discussion on planetary alignment and the effects on something or rather.

Nothing at all. Remus said, looking more and more like a ghost.



What the hell is she doing on a broom? Sirius asked, prodding James in the side as Slytherin emerged from the locker rooms preceding the last match before the holidays. He raised an eyebrow, and noting her emerald robes, stated the obvious.

Playing Quidditch I would assume.

Well no shit, but... Lily doesn't play Quidditch. he muttered, mounting up and falling in position on the field.

Does now I guess. Chaser. And hit her. Hard. Sirius yelled. As the whistle was blown, Remus flew lazily back to his hoops, watching absently as the game went on. A few minutes in, Lily flew right by him, whizzing by in a whirlwind.

Tell me what's wrong. she asked loudly, tossing the Quaffle back to her teammate, though the goal was blocked by Sirius' Bludger work.

came the monotonous reply.

with a roll of her eyes, Lily flew back to the game, robes billowing behind.


Lupin, watch-

The Slytherin who had tried to warn him was far too late, and Remus instantly toppled off his mount. A scarlet blur caught him by the neck of his robes right before he collided with the blanket of white covering the ground, and he was slowly lowered.

Knocked out from impact. James announced to the team. A moment later, the silent crowd erupted into a chaotic fit, three Houses screaming and one cheering.

Sirius cursed as the Slytherin Seeker smiled, holding out the Snitch in a mocking manner.

Idiot ruins everything for us. the new Beater to the Gryffindor team muttered as Remus was carried off by James and Sirius, while the rest stayed behind to argue with the officials.



So, are you going to tell me now?

Remus closed his eyes with a long groan, and rolled away from the first image he saw. He heard James and Sirius snort in the background, laughing about something he didn't understand.

Leave me alone. he grumbled, reluctantly sipping the potion that was shoved under his nose.

Not until you tell me why the hell you've been an antisocial and depressed little git.

Way to cheer him up Lils. James called from across the room, dropping something into a glass of water near a sleeping Slytherin boys bed. It started fizzing, and spilled over the sides before it settled down.

Oh, and you're just doing a dandy job of making the ill feel so at home. she snapped right back, though doing nothing to help her ailing (and later very ailing) House mate.

How long have I been out? he muttered, looking around with blurry vision for a moment.

Only a few hours, nothing like last time. Sirius said lightly. James caught you before you hit the ground.

he snapped sarcastically, wishing he would have hit his head just a little bit harder.

Not a problem. James replied without noting the tone. Lily rolled her eyes, and with a shrug, hit Remus across the face.

God dammit, what'd you do that for? he blurted out.

Trying to knock some bloody sense into you, alright? she retorted, crossing her arms stubbornly. You've got more people that care about you than you likely realize you stupid prat. Now wake up and look around. Your life isn't as God-awefully shitty as you think it is. she concluded, and turned around. Grabbing James and Sirius before they caused any damage to a first year Hufflepuff girl, she towed them out of the Infirmary and let the nurse to her business.




Hey, Merry Christmas in advance!

Taking heart to what you said before, I think it's safe to not bother asking you to come to our party. If you reconsider, we'd love to have you little brother. Saturday at three, come if you can. Bring your friends, all of them. It'll be a great party if you're there, really. Anyway, I have to go... Shelly cooked me dinner and I'm starving. See you around,

Romolus

Remus tossed the crumpled note into the fireplace, frowning irritably. The Hogwarts Express had been delayed due to snow pile ups, and he wasn't able to the the grounds for another few hours. So now he was busy doing nothing.

Hey come on, we're all going down to the pitch! Alex called, a gaggle of girls following after the Gryffindor pretty-boy.



Aw come one Remus, you're the best Keeper we have!

I'm the only Keeper. And I'm busy.

Alex muttered with a shrug, walking off with his girls right behind. Without diverting his gaze from the glittering flames, Remus conjured himself a sandwich, and chewed absently for a long time. Halfway into it though, James and Sirius came racing down the staircase, and crashed into his chair.

Sirius called, running out the portal at top speed, broom over his shoulder. James stayed behind a minute to straighten the chair, took a few steps, and then turned around.





James squinted a minute, and then raised an eyebrow. Didn't think ti was you... You look like shit, you know that?

Remus mumbled, not breaking gaze from the fire.

You sick again or...



If you say so... he answered doubtfully. After a long pause, he shrugged, and ran off for the game.



Remus, what's wrong?

Nice to see you too. he grumbled, dropping his beaten satchel at the door and dragging himself to the couch. With an ungraceful flop, he fell onto the seat and promptly turned the television on.

God damn bloody little- Caleb snapped from the basement door, slamming it shut. With an angry Hmph', he busied himself with dinner, ignoring the fact that Remus was there.

Working on the potion you sent us, we found some flaws. Stupid gitty friend of yours thought it'd be a dandy gag to mix some silver particles in. Thank God I didn't drink that. he said upon realizing he had a guest.



Caleb turned away from his meal, and looked up oddly. Somethin' wrong? he questioned.

came the reply in a very easily noticed lie. Elise sat own next to him, and was accompanied by the eldest werewolf.

Spit it out. they both demanded, sounding very much like Lilly. With silence, they both rolled their eyes, and moved closer, wedging him immobile.

We'll hold your dinner hostage. Caleb threatened with a smile.

Oh come, we can find a better torture than food. Elise mumbled.

Not really. came the small admittance from Remus, smiling very slightly.

Ha! There, you can be happy. Spill it out or we'll go on strike, and I know for fact your cooking skills are nonexistent.



Damn, that sucks. Caleb said without thinking, to receive a jab in the gut from Elise.

Remus, be reasonable. So maybe your brother's gone a little, but you wanted that, didn't you?

I let it happen, but that doesn't mean I enjoyed doing so. I can't hold him back for the rest of my life... Half of me is glad to see him gone, and the rest of me screams in protest.

Then don't regret it. Elise said sternly, hand on his shoulder. You've three hundred something years to live, don't let this haunt you for such a long time.

It's not just that. Remus said quietly, looking up, at the ceiling. I just... God, everything is driving me insane. I can't stand it.

Remus, be reasonable. You can't go on living a complete life of regret and emotional turmoil. Caleb said in a change of attitude. We all know you have it bad. All of our kind have it bad, it's just how it is. But you gotta wake up and live your own life before you end up kicking yourself in the ass over things you can't control.

And for the love of God, it's Christmas! Elise laughed, in her usual habit of changing the subject when things became too morbid. Now lets go, work on the potion. Best to solve problems than to drawl on about old ones.


He's out for the night. Caleb said with a chuckle of amusement. With a shrug, he lifted Remus up, carried him up the stairs and deposited him on the battered sofa. Remus took in a mumbly breath, and curled up. Hugging his knee's, he snorted once, and smiled in his dreams.

Looks just like the little child all of us were denied to ever be. Elise noted with a distant grin.

Come on, Caleb said after a moment, snapping out of a trance. Let's go to bed.

Elise raised an eyebrow, and took a step away.

Oh, not like that you pervi. Caleb mumbled, smiling to himself.

Me? Perv? Highly unlikely, Thou Who Sleeps With Little On. she countered.

H-Hey! You... You were in my r-room! he stammered, going very red.

We share the room. Elise reminded with a hint of satire in her voice.

B-But... My bed, you...

Whistling a small tune, Elise went off to the bedroom, leaving her friend behind to glow crimson in the dark.

El... El, come on... Let me in! Lupin's on the couch, where'm I-

The door opened, and the tall boy toppled over onto the floor.

The knob turns the other way genius.



Feeling better? Elise asked cheerfully in the early morning, dumping a pan load of scrambled eggs on a plate. Remus rubbed his tired eyes, let out a yawn, and flopped into the creaky wooden chair.

Sort of. Haven't slept that well in a while though. he said, poking his eggs before testing them. Satisfied that Caleb hadn't cooked them, he downed the entire serving in under two minutes.

And I take it I can cook eggs fairly well?

Not half bad.

Fair enough. Want some ham? We have a bit left over...



ELISE! Where'd you put my boxers? Caleb yelled, clearly distraught, voice rattling the walls. Remus snorted out a speck of his milk, and fell off his chair laughing.

To hell, it's not like that. Elise snapped, flipping an omelet over in the rusty pan.

Alright, whatever you say! Remus managed to blurt out, clearly not believing a word of it. The girl rolled her eyes, and dumped the scrap creation on his plate before banging him on the head with the pan.

El, I'm not kidding! Where'd you put them? Caleb bellowed a minute later.

You've got half a brain, find them yourself! I'm busy. she answered, smiling at Remus. Anyway Rem, want to come shopping with me down in Diagon?

I thought you and Caleb couldn't go to very public places.

Nothing a few charms and hoods can't fix. We scraped a few Galleons off of odd-jobs in America this fall, so I'm gonna go out and buy some things.

For who? I mean... Remus said oddly, wondering exactly what people she could buy gifts for.

You, Caleb, and myself of course. she said brightly. I can't spend the money on anything else, so might as well.

Is Caleb coming?

Oh no, he detests shopping in any form. Runs straight to the Quidditch store and bumbles there all day, complaining that I take too long.

How long do you take?

Only a few hours. she said with a smile, grabbing his hand. Come on, it'll be fun! And maybe you'll see your friends-

I think I'll pass.

Too bad. And with that, Elise promptly Apparated out of the area, dragging Remus along with her to The Leaky Cauldron.


When'd you learn to Apparate? And poorly at that. Remus muttered, brushing dirt off of his robes and standing up from the pile of trash.

Come off it, I was close enough. she said irritably, looking around for a way out of the back alley. With a shrug, she vaulted herself over a broken fence, Remus following after. They entered in the tavern, both with hoods drawn tight to hide themselves. Silently they passed through to the back, and out towards the brick wall.



For a while he stood outside, looking around at the serene little villa and all it's content families. Children bouncing through the snow, parents laughing joyfully and mothers armed with bags of goods to be wrapped and placed beneath a tree. To him, it was the cliche'd life he never had, a surreal experience he could only view from afar. With the snowflakes falling gently down, the scene made him turn away in misery.



Snapping back to reality, he raised his head very slightly, and bit his lip. Sirius was squinting from a few stores down, a bouncy brother and sister tagging at his heels.

That you Moony?

Walking away with a stiff step, he was able to sneak away before he had to deal with anyone.

What am I doing? he asked himself, slipping inside the book store so as Sirius wouldn't follow. I have to stop running away...


Remus, knock it off. Romolus said gruffly, tackling him to the ground. He wiped a glob of mud off his brothers face, and secured his arms to his side so he wouldn't bolt again.

The hell do you think you're doing? What in God's name are you going to accomplish by running away from all your problems, hm? Nothing. he said angrily, not offering him a bit of lenience.

Stand up and face the world, alright? You might as well just throw yourself to the executioners if you're gonna keep up this act. Face your problems or they'll just get worse.





I can't feel my leg.

To hell with your leg.



Rumor has it this is going to mean war.

Nonsense! With Dumbledore around, that old codger wouldn't try a thing...

He already has men in place at the Ministry, spies they say.

But we outnumber them, in all odds they wouldn't stand a chance!

They're power hungry, it's only a matter of time...

Remus shook his head, walking away from the gaggle of old men congregated in the back of Flourish and Blotts.


I will never understand your kind little wolf. Fighting to kill, with no reason other than so-called glory. What glory is to come by destroying your own race? It simply defies all logic our Creator bestowed upon us. You're fickle creatures, you are... War. What an idealistic and absurd concept. Maybe someday I will understand.




A/n- Thanks for reading, all suggestions are welcome! PLEASE leave a review. PLEASE. I'm on my hands and knee's, begging pathetically here! Throw me a bone....


Iggie

Title meaning- Aegrotus Animi: Ill/aching heart or mind