Authors note:: hey, I'm really sorry this took so long to be put up. My boyfriend broke up with me a little while ago and I was dealing with it..my brain fried temporarily but it seems to have regenerated enough that I got this next chapter out and I actually have pseudo plans for future chapters. Usagi-you have my apologies for not mailing you then next chapter. I really don't know how to send a story by the email. I'm hopeless that way...^^;;; Also, I greatly appreciate the reviews and that you readers want to be informed when I update...but in order to tell you I need to get your actual EMAIL addresses. If you don wanna give me that, just put me on the alert thingie and you'll be informed when I update. Anyways, on to the chapter that took me too fucking long to write. :) erm...a word of warning..i seem to have used a lot of swear words in this. Those of delicate dispositions-BE WARNED.
WARNING: This story is sometimes base, and not meant to be elegant or perfect. I am merely expelling emotion..hence the weirdness. Just thought you'd like to know.
Disclaimer:: Takahashi has all the whips and chains at her place----so the dog boy sleeps with her. *sighs*
OUR HOUSE
Chapter 5: HIGH NOON
A hot air moved across the hillside, dragging behind it heavy clouds overburdened with rain. They churned and thundered ominously as they rolled across an innocent blue sky, scaring the bright day away. The damp air cloaked the land, turning the dense forest along the country highway dark and murky. Beneath the tormented sky a highway was slapped down smoothly along a rolling countryside, stretching like an impatient hand that was always reaching for something unknown that it would never grasp. A sole blood red car moved swiftly along the empty highway, cutting through the thickening air in an angry line of mechanical precision. The other cars that had once surrounded the one red car had all sped up to outrace the storm that was brewing. The air outside the car fairly crackled with expectancy----a result of the moody sky. Inside the car another sort of storm was hanging on the air. It did not bode well.
"Kagome, you really shouldn't be mad. You know you had that coming. " Miroku was driving. He had refused to get into the car again if Kagome was to drive. They spent the better part of an hour arguing over it and glaring at each other until Miroku pointedly mentioned that the longer they stood there arguing the closer the angry villagers would come to hunting her down and committing her to the local convent so that she could dedicate her life to cleansing her soul of its adulterous taint. He'd temporarily saved his ass from the fierce beating he KNEW was coming, but after four hours of driving, the black, skin-curling looks she was sending him had worn down his courage and Miroku was now painfully aware that he was in the car with a VERY ANGRY FEMALE.
Her glare intensified with his comment, and he shrank into his seat, his sweaty hands gripping the steering wheel tightly. He chewed his lip as his cousin continued to watch him with a distinctly predatory look, and he fought the urge to grovel at her feet for forgiveness. The tension in the car built and built until Miroku thought he would explode, and Kagome still said nothing. Without thinking, his foot pressed down onto pedal and they sped up to 90mph. Sweat beaded his upper lip under her unwavering stare. Out of the corner of his eye he saw her fingers hook into claws, and terror burst through him in a sudden rush.
"Oh, come on!" he burst out." You scared the shit out of me last night!!! In the name of all terror-stricken humiliated males, I was OBLIGATED to avenge myself!!" She just stared at him with a gaze that was becoming more evil by the minute, and said nothing. Miroku started to panic.
They zoomed down the highway as the sky grew steadily blacker. The trees whistled in their passing, angry intakes of breath that made them dance and tremble. He could feel her blue-grey eyes boring into him, felt her burning, unwavering gaze peeling away layer upon upon layer of his manly dignity and pride until he was very nearly left without any of it and was damn near to begging for her forgiveness---when he finally snapped. That last, flickering light of his pride suddenly flared into an overwhelming brilliance and he was illuminated in male ego. His fury was awesome and complete.
Kagome's eyebrows rose slightly as an insane, unholy light filled her cousins eyes, and she clutched the armrest spasmatically. It took an uncomfortable amount of effort for her to release her death grip on the armrest, but when she managed to, Kagome's own female ego burned brilliantly beneath her skin and she smirked with an equally unholy insanity. All wrongs done to her by males in the past 72 hours laced their way through her mind, stoking the fires of Kagome-fury until she fairly gleamed with it. A male had hurt her. Miroku was a male. Therefore he should suffer. Resolved in her reasoning, the fires that fueled her pride and ego flared to a near uncontrollable level and she seethed. Her fury was terrifying and most certainly incomplete.
A halo of wrath curled in the air above the car, steaming through the gleaming roof and enveloping the car in a blazing fireball of warring colors. Animals in the fields around the road fled as if the fires of hell bit at their heels, scattering far and wide---away from the road and the passing car. Animals can sense evil, after all. And what was brewing in the fancy Subaru was certainly malevolent.
Going in the opposing direction of the blood red car was a bright green bus chalk-filled with happy nuns. They sang. They caroled. They toasted their good fortune and the glory of god in the undignified fashion their stern mother superior only allowed when they were on the road smiting the evils that roamed the never-ending stretch of highway. Painted along the side of the bus in bright gold lettering to contrast the green, were the words 'Holy Pacifiers', because dammit, those nuns kicked evil's ass and by god they knew it.
Holy Body Guard Sister Mary Sango hummed along with the nuns cheerfully as she drove, smiling softly to herself. She had to admit that when her superior at the Vatican suggested she take this job with the Holy Pacifiers, she'd had her doubts. It sounded so..goody-two shoes. Definitely not her line of work. She went on the dangerous missions secretly protecting those na•ve little missionaries who believed that the lord would keep them alive and whole in the uncharted---and incredibly hostile-territories that they were so fond of cleansing. Her job was always to follow in stealth and illiminate any potential threats to the virginal priests whose sheltered lives had not prepared them for. The Church was determined to preserve that naivity come hell or high water, and when instances came up where bodyguards were needed, they called her, the ace up their sleeve. Sister Mary Sango was used to kicking serious ass in her line of work. Babysitting nuns had been an insult to her honor. Especially THESE nuns.
ãI'm holier than you are."
ãAre not. You're a sinner."
ãI am SO holier than you are. God loves me more."
ãhe does NOT! He loves ME."
ãDoes not. I'm the most perfect nun. You're still a sinner."
ã......Well, you're a dumb bitch."
ãHah! And THAT'S why god loves me more, you ho!"
ãSlut!"
ãTrailer trash!"
ãSkank!"
ãButt pirate!"
ãSHUT THE FUCK UP!!!!!!!" A voice boomed from behind her. Sango winced, and bit the inside of her cheek to keep from smiling. Mother Superior Kaede had a very firm grasp over the more wily of her brood. At 55, swarthed in black cotton with only an angry scarred white face visible beneath her headdress, she was one formiddable nun.
ãBut mother...."
ãI said SHUT UP, Mary Joanna! I'm tired of this shit! I'm a fucking trying to take a NAP here! If you're going to profess your love of the lord then do it QUIETLY. And he loves you both EQUALLY, you twits, if at all, so SHUT YOUR FUCKING TRAPS!! GOT IT??" she roared in a 'wrath of God' mama voice.
There was dead silence in the bus. Even the crickets were afraid to chirp.
Red faced, Mother Kaede gave them the Evil Eye with her one good eye, snorted, and dozed off.
((a/n: you know, I'm not even going to ATTEMPT to understand the directions this is going. At this point I am simply writing and seeing what happens next. God save your poor, unsuspecting souls.))
Humming happily to herself, Sango leaned back in her seat with a contented smile on her face. Yup, this was just the vacation she needed.
Sango twisted the volume up on the radio and began to sing along to her hearts content. ã Baby, now that I found you I can't let you go I built my world around you. I need you so baby even though you don't need me, you don't need me.ã
((a/n::I do apologize for this.))
Behind her, the younger nuns heard her soft voice, glanced nervously at the prone figure of Mother Kaede, and joined in with a full chorus filled with clapping hands and snapping fingers. ãbaa da da daaaaaa"
Sango sang on. ãSpent a lifetime looking for somebody to give me love like you-uuu"
ãoooooooooo" the nuns chorused in the background.
ãnow you tell me that you wanna leave me. Well, darlin I just can't let you-u-ã
ãI'M DUMB SHE'S A LESBIAN. I THOUGHT I HAD FOUND THE ONE. WE WERE GOOD AS MARRIED IN MY MIND BUT MARRIED IN MY MI-INDS NO GOOD!"
Dead silence.
The nuns stared at Mother Kaede, who, believe it or not, was still asleep despite the fact that she had just burst into song. Sango's eyes were wide as saucers as she swiveled around in her seat to get a quick glance. The Mother was still sleeping soundly, looking quite pleased with herself in a Quasemodo sort of way.
Sister Mart Joanna stared her her Mother Superior, eyes huge. ãWoa. Mama's got the magic."
((a/n:: I think I'm more confused about that comment than you guys are.))
The bus settled down after that. Everyone was too freaked out to sing, and so they dispersed into groups and talked quietly amongst themselves about random nun-like things. An hour passed. The nuns played electric guitar and smoked out of a huge hookah to pass the time. Two hours passed.
Sango sighed and sank deeper into her seat, bored out of her mind. She sighed again. Over one hundred miles and no bad demon's to smite. No demons or evilness anywhere. Just barren countryside. Damn.
She drummed her fingers against the steering wheel and chewed her lip. Double damn.
Another hour passed and Sango was about ready to ram the bus into a tree if something didn't happen soon. If she had to listen to Joanna and Helen one more time about who was holier than thou, she was gonna puke and kill them all in the process.
A shiver of expectancy suddenly shot down her spine. Sango sat up in her seat, instantly alert. Her eyes were drawn to the horizen as the approached a hill. Something was coming towards them.
A malicious smile curved her lips and her eyes glinted. ãAh, its showtime." She murmured to herself. ãBattle stations, girlies!" she shouted over her shoulder. ãWe've got one headed our way fast!"
********
The tension in the car would have given ulcers to a lesser man. It crackled and sizzled in a gut-churning manner that made the car go faster down that darkened highway with the sun vanquished above them a a heavy grey darkness reigning the earth.
ãYou do not win you assclown!!!! I WIN!!!!!!"
ãHey, you fucking butt bandit, you don't win SHIT! My silhouette is SO better than yours!"
ãHELL, no! You don't fucking HAVE a silhouette, fatass!!! Lightning fucking ILLUMINATES the sky around mine!"
ãThat's why mine is better than yours. My silhouette fucking PANCAKES your pansy-ass silhouete!!!!!"
ãButt muncher!"
ãCUNT!"
ãPENCIL DICK!!"
ãSHIT-FACED DRIED SEMEN EATER!!!!!!"
It had been going on like that for hours.
The evil silence Kagome had inflicted upon Miroku had ended when he crossed the line from groveling to jackass-dom and told her she was a prissy, stuck-up, ungreatful, bi***. An all-out name calling war had begun and was waged for the rest of the afternoon. They were running out of things to say at this point, resorting to only the most foul and unintelligable of insults.
They had gone through the 'yo mamas' and the clever quips. They had chewed each other out with intelligent, subtle insults that had so many levels to a single phrase that years afterward college professors were still dissecting them and unconvering hidden meaning upon hidden meaning. Now there was nothing left but petty insults screamed out in stubborn rage, as niether refused to step down.
Negative energy radiated from the car in rolling waves that scorched the road and left it fuming behind them. Animals were running in fear from the sides of the road and into the fields miles and miles away just to escape the evil power coming off the car, and it was STILL not far enough to truly avoid the taint that permeated the air. It haunted the fleeing animals' footsteps.
ãWART INFESTED VAGINAL DISCHARGE!"
ãYOU ARE THE SWEATY PATCH OF SKIN BETWEEN THE BALL SACK AND ASS HOLE!"
Far up ahead, a green van peeked over the top of a hill. Screaming and ranting, it was only just in time that Miroku noticed the bright green van parked in the middle of the road. He screeched to a hault, saved from going through the windshield only by the well-tested Subaru seatbelts, made with assurance of the passengers safety.
Kagome pushed her hair out of her eyes as she picked herself off the dashboard and peered out the windshield. ãWhat the hell..."
One dozen nuns stood solem and proud before a bright green bus, their faces devoid of emotion. Ahead of the congregation two women stood. One was old and bent, but very, very frightening. The other was young and quite pretty, with a large, boomer-rang shaped object strapped to her back.
((a/n:: I don't know why. Just go with it. **grimaces** why do I have a feeling I shouldn't put this chapter online??? don't hate me...please please please))
ãWhat the-ã Miroku undid he seatbelt, wincing as he peeled it off his skin. A red burn mark remained in its place. He opened the door and stepped out of the car.
ãhey! Where do you think you're going, jackass!" Kagome stormed, and swung her own door open after disentangling herself from the seatbelt of doom.
They faced the collection of stoic nuns in a bickering silence, slightly mullified by the abrupt hault Miroku had been forced to make. It had, in effect, taken the wind out of their sails. Still, Kagome was quite consumed with enmity and was walking on the edge of a knife with her cousin. It did not bode well.'
Miroku took a step forward, his spider senses cooing 'look, pretty womannnnnnnsssssssssssss'. Yes, he agreed. Pretty womans. Especially the one with the giant boomerang.
Sango eyed the pair who emerged from the car. They didn't LOOK like demons. In fact, their auras were quite human. A frown puckered her forehead. And yet...such evil radiated from the two. A sense of great discomfort and enmity. So even if they WEREN'T evil, there was still some negativity to be smote. Her frown smoothed out and she braced herself as she eyed them. A young man who looked about 19 who was also sporting a swollen nose, and a young woman who looked 17. Both with black hair and fair skin, both attractive ( despite the man's nose). Both royally pissed.
Ah, yes. She thought. THIS she could fix.
One of the nuns behind her gasped. ãIt's the Priest!"
Sango froze. She'd heard that name before somewhere...
ãMother Kaede, it's the Preist! The one who the church ordained as our surrogate-God!"
ãBlasphemy!" Mother Superior Kaede bellowed. ãI see no Priest!"
Miroku and Kagome stood in wide-eyed bewilderment. Kaede could be very scary when she wanted to be...which was all the time.
The nun who spoke stepped forward, undoing her headdress and letting her dark tresses fly free. ãOh, but he IS the Priest, Mother. He looks just like the picture the pope sent to us when the prophecy was confirmed. He's our Priest, all right. He's going to teach us how to please our God." She made the word 'Priest' sound like a very naughty word .Sango raised an eyebrow. The chit was a bit melodramatic... TO invoke the legendary 'Priest', a man who was prohesied to fulfill the needs of lonely nuns everywhere in an archane form they had forsworn from all but the God they were wedded to. He was said to purify their souls of all past blasphemies with his 'glorious life force', and the children born of him and the nuns would be holy indeed. That Sister Mary Joanna would invoke such a profecy and let down her hair---an act stricly forbidden to nuns unless they met the 'Priest' of legend or when they bathed and slept----was outrageous!
The dark haird sexy nun thrust her bosom forward, batted her thick eyelashes, and pouted her red red lips. ãMake me good for God, Priest." She purred, and sauntered toward a dumbfounded (and blushing) Miroku.
ãUm, um...hey...listen..uh, its not that I'm not greatful or anything...." He stuttered as she approached him. He opened his mouth to say something more, when Kagome suddenly started to giggle.
ãAnd you...hehehe...you thought going to THEM...bwahahaha...would rid me of my.."snort giggle," ADULTEROUS TAINT?" she burst into helpless giggles, hugging her sides and leaning against the car as she gulped in air inbetween laughter. ãMan, were you off."
The nuns all stared. Sango blinked. Miroku glared at her fiercely before he realized that the buxom nun was still approaching him murmuring endearments in that purring, sexy voice that was making his heart pound in his chest. He whipped back around to face the approaching nun and found her close to him. Too close. And licking her full red lips.He stumbled back. ãW-wait. Hold on a sec-ã
ãWhats the matter, stud muffin?" Kagome taunted." A big strong man like you afraid of a little nun? I thought you were a stag, cous'. ã
ãI AM A STAG, GODDAMMIT!"
Silence replied to that comment. Kagome looked like she was going to start howling with laughter again. Two seconds later she nearly did, but Sango cut her off with a glare.
ãBoth of you, be quiet!" she thundered. And they quieted. Sango could be scary, too. She narrowed her eyes at both of them, then she turned that piercing gaze to the wanton nun. ãMary Joanna!" she barked. ãGet your ass back in line! We have a job to do, dammit, Priest or no! So tuck your bosoms back in and bind your hair! We've got a demon to exercise!"
Mary Joanna froze, blanched, and then blushed as she remembered herself. The whole effect left her very dizzy and she stumbled as she scurried back into place, her face beat-red and her hands shaking. The pot was finally wearing off.
Sango turned her evil eye back to Miroku and Kagome, who stiffened in terror beneath the gaze. Behind the bodyguard, Mother Superior Kaede beamed with pride as best she could with her mauled features. The result was...mortifying, but nonetheless efficient.
ãNow," Sango said, pulling her giant boomerang off her back. She pointed the thing at Miroku's chest. ãYou. Tell me what's going on. I sense some mighty mighty bad energy coming from your car. Demonic energy. What was it? Who are you hiding? WHAT are you hiding?"
ãKagome,"Miroky replied with meticulous malice, ã Is a spoiled, ungreatful brat. I am taking her to my country house to hide her from her town and ex-boyfriend, and she nearly crashes us into a car---on purpose! Just to freak me out!"
ãYou were making me drive!" Kagome cut in violently.
ãI was doing you a favor, brat!"
ãYou inconsiderate asshole, you were supposed to be saving me! I had a rough day!"
ãYOU had a rough day?? You broke my nose!"
ãYou deserved it! You grabbed my ass!"
ãWell it's a nice ass!"
ãThankyou!"
Sango tilted her head slightly to the side and blinked. What the hell were they talking about? She opened her mouth to speak, but Kagome stepped forward, pushing past her cousin and nearly knocking him over in the process.
She held out her hands to Sango as she explained. ãSee, my ex-boyfriend is spreading horrible rumors about me, rumors that ARE NOT true, but that people are believing and reacting violently to."
ãWhat kind of rumors, child?" Mother Kaede asked.
ãBAD rumors."
ãYes, dear, but be specific."
ãOkay, SEX rumors. He's telling people that I've done horrific nefarious deeds with multiple partners and occasional animals!"
Mother Kaede held her stoic expression, but it was damned difficult."And people..ahem...are reacting VIOLENTLY, you say?" She had to cough several times to keep her emotions in.
Kagome ran a hand through her hair, looking a little put out. ãYES. My mom was threatened to be fired from her job. My house was bombed with bricks with death threats stuck on them as warnings. People were talking about me in the grocery store!" she wailed the last bit.
Sango's eyes widened. ãIn the GROCERY store?"
Kagome nodded emphatically." In the grocery store! I overheard them. People who don't even know what I look like know my name and what I'm rumored to have done! It was horrible!"
Miroku rolled his eyes. ãI bet.." he muttered.
ãShut up, you." She snapped, and then turned back to her audience, who were still listening attentatively and schooling their expressions. ãMy mother called Miroku because he's rich and a cousin, and asked him to take me out of town for a month of two until the air cleared up. And then when we were ready to go he made me drive!"
Sango was confused. ãAnd?"
ãAnd I was in a state of emotional upset!"
Sango tried not to sigh. ãOkay..so?"
ãSO she played a game on chicken on the freeway that nearly got us killed and scared the shit out of me!" Miroku burst out, looking furious and charming in his disgruntled state.
ãAnd you peed your pants." Kagome chimed in, looking deviously pleased with herself.
Miroku turned crimson. This time the battle not to laugh nearly killed Sango. She barely made it. The corner of her mouth twitched. She cleared her throat. ãANYway?"
Miroku suddenly was sporting a smug smile of his own. ãSO I got revenge on her the next morning. I dumped a bucket of chilled guacamole on her when she finished her shower."
Sango's eyes flew open and there were titters of laughter from the other nuns.
Mother Kaede just looked furious."You did what?" she asked in a voice that was deathly devoid of emotion.
He paled. ãI...I dumped chilled guaca...mole...on her when she finished her nice, hot shower." His voice trembled as he fought to keep his pride. He'd be dammed if he would be de-manned by this ancient ogre nun.
ãYou fucking bastard."Kagome muttered, arms folded under her breasts." It took me two hours to get it out of my hair. I'll get you back, Miroku. I can stay up later than you." She hissed the last bit venomously. Her cousin looked positively ghoulish at that point. He swallowed.
Sango pinched the bridge of her nose. ãAnd so the negative energy was...?"
ãHer FEMALE evilness." Miroku muttered.
ãAnd his idiotic man-pride."Kagome added.
Sango eyed both of them. ãAh. I see. ãshe said. She turned to the Mother Superior, raising her brows in inquiry.
Mother Kaede nodded her head solemly.
Sango smiled. ãAlright then."she said crisply. ãwell." She walked toward Miroku and Kagome, who were standing nearly side-by-side. He stared at her in an intense way that was disconcerting. Kagome was looking at the bus and plotting her revenge.
Sango raised her trusty boomerang. She bonked them both on the heads, knocking them out efficiently. ãDemon, come out." She said primly, and then sheathed her boomerang as they fell to the ground in a heap.
She flicked a hand at the nuns. ãAlright, girls, hook up the car to the back and pull these two inside. ã She pointed to two pale-faced young nuns. ãYou two, find the directions to this house he was taking her to. The rest of you get back in the bus.Get to it!" she barked. Then nuns scurried.
Mother Kaede walked up to her and they watched the nuns carry the two limp bodies into the bus and load up the car. ãI love it when a plan comes together. ãShe murmurred pleasantly to her bodyguard. ãDon't you?"
Sango nodded, a smile twisting her lips. ãYup."
They got back into the van just as a silver sheen of ran began to fall.
((a/n:: @_@ I'm not even going to pretent to understand where that came from. The deep recesses of my mind vomited up some strange plotline that makes no sense. I am so so sorry that this chapter was so sucky. Hopefully the next one will come out faster and better. Good christ, I can't believe I just wrote that nonsense. This is what happens when I'm depressed and need to write a humor fic. Violence, bad langauge, and utter weirdness. Wah. I suck.))
WARNING: This story is sometimes base, and not meant to be elegant or perfect. I am merely expelling emotion..hence the weirdness. Just thought you'd like to know.
Disclaimer:: Takahashi has all the whips and chains at her place----so the dog boy sleeps with her. *sighs*
OUR HOUSE
Chapter 5: HIGH NOON
A hot air moved across the hillside, dragging behind it heavy clouds overburdened with rain. They churned and thundered ominously as they rolled across an innocent blue sky, scaring the bright day away. The damp air cloaked the land, turning the dense forest along the country highway dark and murky. Beneath the tormented sky a highway was slapped down smoothly along a rolling countryside, stretching like an impatient hand that was always reaching for something unknown that it would never grasp. A sole blood red car moved swiftly along the empty highway, cutting through the thickening air in an angry line of mechanical precision. The other cars that had once surrounded the one red car had all sped up to outrace the storm that was brewing. The air outside the car fairly crackled with expectancy----a result of the moody sky. Inside the car another sort of storm was hanging on the air. It did not bode well.
"Kagome, you really shouldn't be mad. You know you had that coming. " Miroku was driving. He had refused to get into the car again if Kagome was to drive. They spent the better part of an hour arguing over it and glaring at each other until Miroku pointedly mentioned that the longer they stood there arguing the closer the angry villagers would come to hunting her down and committing her to the local convent so that she could dedicate her life to cleansing her soul of its adulterous taint. He'd temporarily saved his ass from the fierce beating he KNEW was coming, but after four hours of driving, the black, skin-curling looks she was sending him had worn down his courage and Miroku was now painfully aware that he was in the car with a VERY ANGRY FEMALE.
Her glare intensified with his comment, and he shrank into his seat, his sweaty hands gripping the steering wheel tightly. He chewed his lip as his cousin continued to watch him with a distinctly predatory look, and he fought the urge to grovel at her feet for forgiveness. The tension in the car built and built until Miroku thought he would explode, and Kagome still said nothing. Without thinking, his foot pressed down onto pedal and they sped up to 90mph. Sweat beaded his upper lip under her unwavering stare. Out of the corner of his eye he saw her fingers hook into claws, and terror burst through him in a sudden rush.
"Oh, come on!" he burst out." You scared the shit out of me last night!!! In the name of all terror-stricken humiliated males, I was OBLIGATED to avenge myself!!" She just stared at him with a gaze that was becoming more evil by the minute, and said nothing. Miroku started to panic.
They zoomed down the highway as the sky grew steadily blacker. The trees whistled in their passing, angry intakes of breath that made them dance and tremble. He could feel her blue-grey eyes boring into him, felt her burning, unwavering gaze peeling away layer upon upon layer of his manly dignity and pride until he was very nearly left without any of it and was damn near to begging for her forgiveness---when he finally snapped. That last, flickering light of his pride suddenly flared into an overwhelming brilliance and he was illuminated in male ego. His fury was awesome and complete.
Kagome's eyebrows rose slightly as an insane, unholy light filled her cousins eyes, and she clutched the armrest spasmatically. It took an uncomfortable amount of effort for her to release her death grip on the armrest, but when she managed to, Kagome's own female ego burned brilliantly beneath her skin and she smirked with an equally unholy insanity. All wrongs done to her by males in the past 72 hours laced their way through her mind, stoking the fires of Kagome-fury until she fairly gleamed with it. A male had hurt her. Miroku was a male. Therefore he should suffer. Resolved in her reasoning, the fires that fueled her pride and ego flared to a near uncontrollable level and she seethed. Her fury was terrifying and most certainly incomplete.
A halo of wrath curled in the air above the car, steaming through the gleaming roof and enveloping the car in a blazing fireball of warring colors. Animals in the fields around the road fled as if the fires of hell bit at their heels, scattering far and wide---away from the road and the passing car. Animals can sense evil, after all. And what was brewing in the fancy Subaru was certainly malevolent.
Going in the opposing direction of the blood red car was a bright green bus chalk-filled with happy nuns. They sang. They caroled. They toasted their good fortune and the glory of god in the undignified fashion their stern mother superior only allowed when they were on the road smiting the evils that roamed the never-ending stretch of highway. Painted along the side of the bus in bright gold lettering to contrast the green, were the words 'Holy Pacifiers', because dammit, those nuns kicked evil's ass and by god they knew it.
Holy Body Guard Sister Mary Sango hummed along with the nuns cheerfully as she drove, smiling softly to herself. She had to admit that when her superior at the Vatican suggested she take this job with the Holy Pacifiers, she'd had her doubts. It sounded so..goody-two shoes. Definitely not her line of work. She went on the dangerous missions secretly protecting those na•ve little missionaries who believed that the lord would keep them alive and whole in the uncharted---and incredibly hostile-territories that they were so fond of cleansing. Her job was always to follow in stealth and illiminate any potential threats to the virginal priests whose sheltered lives had not prepared them for. The Church was determined to preserve that naivity come hell or high water, and when instances came up where bodyguards were needed, they called her, the ace up their sleeve. Sister Mary Sango was used to kicking serious ass in her line of work. Babysitting nuns had been an insult to her honor. Especially THESE nuns.
ãI'm holier than you are."
ãAre not. You're a sinner."
ãI am SO holier than you are. God loves me more."
ãhe does NOT! He loves ME."
ãDoes not. I'm the most perfect nun. You're still a sinner."
ã......Well, you're a dumb bitch."
ãHah! And THAT'S why god loves me more, you ho!"
ãSlut!"
ãTrailer trash!"
ãSkank!"
ãButt pirate!"
ãSHUT THE FUCK UP!!!!!!!" A voice boomed from behind her. Sango winced, and bit the inside of her cheek to keep from smiling. Mother Superior Kaede had a very firm grasp over the more wily of her brood. At 55, swarthed in black cotton with only an angry scarred white face visible beneath her headdress, she was one formiddable nun.
ãBut mother...."
ãI said SHUT UP, Mary Joanna! I'm tired of this shit! I'm a fucking trying to take a NAP here! If you're going to profess your love of the lord then do it QUIETLY. And he loves you both EQUALLY, you twits, if at all, so SHUT YOUR FUCKING TRAPS!! GOT IT??" she roared in a 'wrath of God' mama voice.
There was dead silence in the bus. Even the crickets were afraid to chirp.
Red faced, Mother Kaede gave them the Evil Eye with her one good eye, snorted, and dozed off.
((a/n: you know, I'm not even going to ATTEMPT to understand the directions this is going. At this point I am simply writing and seeing what happens next. God save your poor, unsuspecting souls.))
Humming happily to herself, Sango leaned back in her seat with a contented smile on her face. Yup, this was just the vacation she needed.
Sango twisted the volume up on the radio and began to sing along to her hearts content. ã Baby, now that I found you I can't let you go I built my world around you. I need you so baby even though you don't need me, you don't need me.ã
((a/n::I do apologize for this.))
Behind her, the younger nuns heard her soft voice, glanced nervously at the prone figure of Mother Kaede, and joined in with a full chorus filled with clapping hands and snapping fingers. ãbaa da da daaaaaa"
Sango sang on. ãSpent a lifetime looking for somebody to give me love like you-uuu"
ãoooooooooo" the nuns chorused in the background.
ãnow you tell me that you wanna leave me. Well, darlin I just can't let you-u-ã
ãI'M DUMB SHE'S A LESBIAN. I THOUGHT I HAD FOUND THE ONE. WE WERE GOOD AS MARRIED IN MY MIND BUT MARRIED IN MY MI-INDS NO GOOD!"
Dead silence.
The nuns stared at Mother Kaede, who, believe it or not, was still asleep despite the fact that she had just burst into song. Sango's eyes were wide as saucers as she swiveled around in her seat to get a quick glance. The Mother was still sleeping soundly, looking quite pleased with herself in a Quasemodo sort of way.
Sister Mart Joanna stared her her Mother Superior, eyes huge. ãWoa. Mama's got the magic."
((a/n:: I think I'm more confused about that comment than you guys are.))
The bus settled down after that. Everyone was too freaked out to sing, and so they dispersed into groups and talked quietly amongst themselves about random nun-like things. An hour passed. The nuns played electric guitar and smoked out of a huge hookah to pass the time. Two hours passed.
Sango sighed and sank deeper into her seat, bored out of her mind. She sighed again. Over one hundred miles and no bad demon's to smite. No demons or evilness anywhere. Just barren countryside. Damn.
She drummed her fingers against the steering wheel and chewed her lip. Double damn.
Another hour passed and Sango was about ready to ram the bus into a tree if something didn't happen soon. If she had to listen to Joanna and Helen one more time about who was holier than thou, she was gonna puke and kill them all in the process.
A shiver of expectancy suddenly shot down her spine. Sango sat up in her seat, instantly alert. Her eyes were drawn to the horizen as the approached a hill. Something was coming towards them.
A malicious smile curved her lips and her eyes glinted. ãAh, its showtime." She murmured to herself. ãBattle stations, girlies!" she shouted over her shoulder. ãWe've got one headed our way fast!"
********
The tension in the car would have given ulcers to a lesser man. It crackled and sizzled in a gut-churning manner that made the car go faster down that darkened highway with the sun vanquished above them a a heavy grey darkness reigning the earth.
ãYou do not win you assclown!!!! I WIN!!!!!!"
ãHey, you fucking butt bandit, you don't win SHIT! My silhouette is SO better than yours!"
ãHELL, no! You don't fucking HAVE a silhouette, fatass!!! Lightning fucking ILLUMINATES the sky around mine!"
ãThat's why mine is better than yours. My silhouette fucking PANCAKES your pansy-ass silhouete!!!!!"
ãButt muncher!"
ãCUNT!"
ãPENCIL DICK!!"
ãSHIT-FACED DRIED SEMEN EATER!!!!!!"
It had been going on like that for hours.
The evil silence Kagome had inflicted upon Miroku had ended when he crossed the line from groveling to jackass-dom and told her she was a prissy, stuck-up, ungreatful, bi***. An all-out name calling war had begun and was waged for the rest of the afternoon. They were running out of things to say at this point, resorting to only the most foul and unintelligable of insults.
They had gone through the 'yo mamas' and the clever quips. They had chewed each other out with intelligent, subtle insults that had so many levels to a single phrase that years afterward college professors were still dissecting them and unconvering hidden meaning upon hidden meaning. Now there was nothing left but petty insults screamed out in stubborn rage, as niether refused to step down.
Negative energy radiated from the car in rolling waves that scorched the road and left it fuming behind them. Animals were running in fear from the sides of the road and into the fields miles and miles away just to escape the evil power coming off the car, and it was STILL not far enough to truly avoid the taint that permeated the air. It haunted the fleeing animals' footsteps.
ãWART INFESTED VAGINAL DISCHARGE!"
ãYOU ARE THE SWEATY PATCH OF SKIN BETWEEN THE BALL SACK AND ASS HOLE!"
Far up ahead, a green van peeked over the top of a hill. Screaming and ranting, it was only just in time that Miroku noticed the bright green van parked in the middle of the road. He screeched to a hault, saved from going through the windshield only by the well-tested Subaru seatbelts, made with assurance of the passengers safety.
Kagome pushed her hair out of her eyes as she picked herself off the dashboard and peered out the windshield. ãWhat the hell..."
One dozen nuns stood solem and proud before a bright green bus, their faces devoid of emotion. Ahead of the congregation two women stood. One was old and bent, but very, very frightening. The other was young and quite pretty, with a large, boomer-rang shaped object strapped to her back.
((a/n:: I don't know why. Just go with it. **grimaces** why do I have a feeling I shouldn't put this chapter online??? don't hate me...please please please))
ãWhat the-ã Miroku undid he seatbelt, wincing as he peeled it off his skin. A red burn mark remained in its place. He opened the door and stepped out of the car.
ãhey! Where do you think you're going, jackass!" Kagome stormed, and swung her own door open after disentangling herself from the seatbelt of doom.
They faced the collection of stoic nuns in a bickering silence, slightly mullified by the abrupt hault Miroku had been forced to make. It had, in effect, taken the wind out of their sails. Still, Kagome was quite consumed with enmity and was walking on the edge of a knife with her cousin. It did not bode well.'
Miroku took a step forward, his spider senses cooing 'look, pretty womannnnnnnsssssssssssss'. Yes, he agreed. Pretty womans. Especially the one with the giant boomerang.
Sango eyed the pair who emerged from the car. They didn't LOOK like demons. In fact, their auras were quite human. A frown puckered her forehead. And yet...such evil radiated from the two. A sense of great discomfort and enmity. So even if they WEREN'T evil, there was still some negativity to be smote. Her frown smoothed out and she braced herself as she eyed them. A young man who looked about 19 who was also sporting a swollen nose, and a young woman who looked 17. Both with black hair and fair skin, both attractive ( despite the man's nose). Both royally pissed.
Ah, yes. She thought. THIS she could fix.
One of the nuns behind her gasped. ãIt's the Priest!"
Sango froze. She'd heard that name before somewhere...
ãMother Kaede, it's the Preist! The one who the church ordained as our surrogate-God!"
ãBlasphemy!" Mother Superior Kaede bellowed. ãI see no Priest!"
Miroku and Kagome stood in wide-eyed bewilderment. Kaede could be very scary when she wanted to be...which was all the time.
The nun who spoke stepped forward, undoing her headdress and letting her dark tresses fly free. ãOh, but he IS the Priest, Mother. He looks just like the picture the pope sent to us when the prophecy was confirmed. He's our Priest, all right. He's going to teach us how to please our God." She made the word 'Priest' sound like a very naughty word .Sango raised an eyebrow. The chit was a bit melodramatic... TO invoke the legendary 'Priest', a man who was prohesied to fulfill the needs of lonely nuns everywhere in an archane form they had forsworn from all but the God they were wedded to. He was said to purify their souls of all past blasphemies with his 'glorious life force', and the children born of him and the nuns would be holy indeed. That Sister Mary Joanna would invoke such a profecy and let down her hair---an act stricly forbidden to nuns unless they met the 'Priest' of legend or when they bathed and slept----was outrageous!
The dark haird sexy nun thrust her bosom forward, batted her thick eyelashes, and pouted her red red lips. ãMake me good for God, Priest." She purred, and sauntered toward a dumbfounded (and blushing) Miroku.
ãUm, um...hey...listen..uh, its not that I'm not greatful or anything...." He stuttered as she approached him. He opened his mouth to say something more, when Kagome suddenly started to giggle.
ãAnd you...hehehe...you thought going to THEM...bwahahaha...would rid me of my.."snort giggle," ADULTEROUS TAINT?" she burst into helpless giggles, hugging her sides and leaning against the car as she gulped in air inbetween laughter. ãMan, were you off."
The nuns all stared. Sango blinked. Miroku glared at her fiercely before he realized that the buxom nun was still approaching him murmuring endearments in that purring, sexy voice that was making his heart pound in his chest. He whipped back around to face the approaching nun and found her close to him. Too close. And licking her full red lips.He stumbled back. ãW-wait. Hold on a sec-ã
ãWhats the matter, stud muffin?" Kagome taunted." A big strong man like you afraid of a little nun? I thought you were a stag, cous'. ã
ãI AM A STAG, GODDAMMIT!"
Silence replied to that comment. Kagome looked like she was going to start howling with laughter again. Two seconds later she nearly did, but Sango cut her off with a glare.
ãBoth of you, be quiet!" she thundered. And they quieted. Sango could be scary, too. She narrowed her eyes at both of them, then she turned that piercing gaze to the wanton nun. ãMary Joanna!" she barked. ãGet your ass back in line! We have a job to do, dammit, Priest or no! So tuck your bosoms back in and bind your hair! We've got a demon to exercise!"
Mary Joanna froze, blanched, and then blushed as she remembered herself. The whole effect left her very dizzy and she stumbled as she scurried back into place, her face beat-red and her hands shaking. The pot was finally wearing off.
Sango turned her evil eye back to Miroku and Kagome, who stiffened in terror beneath the gaze. Behind the bodyguard, Mother Superior Kaede beamed with pride as best she could with her mauled features. The result was...mortifying, but nonetheless efficient.
ãNow," Sango said, pulling her giant boomerang off her back. She pointed the thing at Miroku's chest. ãYou. Tell me what's going on. I sense some mighty mighty bad energy coming from your car. Demonic energy. What was it? Who are you hiding? WHAT are you hiding?"
ãKagome,"Miroky replied with meticulous malice, ã Is a spoiled, ungreatful brat. I am taking her to my country house to hide her from her town and ex-boyfriend, and she nearly crashes us into a car---on purpose! Just to freak me out!"
ãYou were making me drive!" Kagome cut in violently.
ãI was doing you a favor, brat!"
ãYou inconsiderate asshole, you were supposed to be saving me! I had a rough day!"
ãYOU had a rough day?? You broke my nose!"
ãYou deserved it! You grabbed my ass!"
ãWell it's a nice ass!"
ãThankyou!"
Sango tilted her head slightly to the side and blinked. What the hell were they talking about? She opened her mouth to speak, but Kagome stepped forward, pushing past her cousin and nearly knocking him over in the process.
She held out her hands to Sango as she explained. ãSee, my ex-boyfriend is spreading horrible rumors about me, rumors that ARE NOT true, but that people are believing and reacting violently to."
ãWhat kind of rumors, child?" Mother Kaede asked.
ãBAD rumors."
ãYes, dear, but be specific."
ãOkay, SEX rumors. He's telling people that I've done horrific nefarious deeds with multiple partners and occasional animals!"
Mother Kaede held her stoic expression, but it was damned difficult."And people..ahem...are reacting VIOLENTLY, you say?" She had to cough several times to keep her emotions in.
Kagome ran a hand through her hair, looking a little put out. ãYES. My mom was threatened to be fired from her job. My house was bombed with bricks with death threats stuck on them as warnings. People were talking about me in the grocery store!" she wailed the last bit.
Sango's eyes widened. ãIn the GROCERY store?"
Kagome nodded emphatically." In the grocery store! I overheard them. People who don't even know what I look like know my name and what I'm rumored to have done! It was horrible!"
Miroku rolled his eyes. ãI bet.." he muttered.
ãShut up, you." She snapped, and then turned back to her audience, who were still listening attentatively and schooling their expressions. ãMy mother called Miroku because he's rich and a cousin, and asked him to take me out of town for a month of two until the air cleared up. And then when we were ready to go he made me drive!"
Sango was confused. ãAnd?"
ãAnd I was in a state of emotional upset!"
Sango tried not to sigh. ãOkay..so?"
ãSO she played a game on chicken on the freeway that nearly got us killed and scared the shit out of me!" Miroku burst out, looking furious and charming in his disgruntled state.
ãAnd you peed your pants." Kagome chimed in, looking deviously pleased with herself.
Miroku turned crimson. This time the battle not to laugh nearly killed Sango. She barely made it. The corner of her mouth twitched. She cleared her throat. ãANYway?"
Miroku suddenly was sporting a smug smile of his own. ãSO I got revenge on her the next morning. I dumped a bucket of chilled guacamole on her when she finished her shower."
Sango's eyes flew open and there were titters of laughter from the other nuns.
Mother Kaede just looked furious."You did what?" she asked in a voice that was deathly devoid of emotion.
He paled. ãI...I dumped chilled guaca...mole...on her when she finished her nice, hot shower." His voice trembled as he fought to keep his pride. He'd be dammed if he would be de-manned by this ancient ogre nun.
ãYou fucking bastard."Kagome muttered, arms folded under her breasts." It took me two hours to get it out of my hair. I'll get you back, Miroku. I can stay up later than you." She hissed the last bit venomously. Her cousin looked positively ghoulish at that point. He swallowed.
Sango pinched the bridge of her nose. ãAnd so the negative energy was...?"
ãHer FEMALE evilness." Miroku muttered.
ãAnd his idiotic man-pride."Kagome added.
Sango eyed both of them. ãAh. I see. ãshe said. She turned to the Mother Superior, raising her brows in inquiry.
Mother Kaede nodded her head solemly.
Sango smiled. ãAlright then."she said crisply. ãwell." She walked toward Miroku and Kagome, who were standing nearly side-by-side. He stared at her in an intense way that was disconcerting. Kagome was looking at the bus and plotting her revenge.
Sango raised her trusty boomerang. She bonked them both on the heads, knocking them out efficiently. ãDemon, come out." She said primly, and then sheathed her boomerang as they fell to the ground in a heap.
She flicked a hand at the nuns. ãAlright, girls, hook up the car to the back and pull these two inside. ã She pointed to two pale-faced young nuns. ãYou two, find the directions to this house he was taking her to. The rest of you get back in the bus.Get to it!" she barked. Then nuns scurried.
Mother Kaede walked up to her and they watched the nuns carry the two limp bodies into the bus and load up the car. ãI love it when a plan comes together. ãShe murmurred pleasantly to her bodyguard. ãDon't you?"
Sango nodded, a smile twisting her lips. ãYup."
They got back into the van just as a silver sheen of ran began to fall.
((a/n:: @_@ I'm not even going to pretent to understand where that came from. The deep recesses of my mind vomited up some strange plotline that makes no sense. I am so so sorry that this chapter was so sucky. Hopefully the next one will come out faster and better. Good christ, I can't believe I just wrote that nonsense. This is what happens when I'm depressed and need to write a humor fic. Violence, bad langauge, and utter weirdness. Wah. I suck.))