a/n: I'm sorry I took so long to update. Truth be told, I would have just discontinued this story if I wasn't still getting the occasional review. sad, but true. I'm a review whore.

Disclaimer: honestly, this is a fan fiction site. Do you really think I'm going to claim ownership? Psh. Honestly.

WARNING: if you're expecting a story that makes sense, just stop reading. Cuz this just...doesn't, and I don't to get flamed because this is too OOC for you.

OUR HOUSE

Chapter 11: 'its them, its not me'

Kagome was pawing at the hot and cold water handles in the bathtub when the showerhead decided to attack her.

She was sitting nude at the bottom of the tub when it happened, her hair sticking up in odd directions, her eyes bloodshot from her hangover. She'd made the decision to sit because standing in a slippery tub when she could barely stand an carpeted ground didn't seem like a good idea, and she didn't fancy cracking her head open on the tiles of Miroku's bathroom. Especially not when it would be Sesshomaru who would find her naked, comatose self. Kagome, naked and dizzy as she was, was already grouchy because of the confusion with the lamp in her bedroom, and trying to figure out what had just happened with that lamp was making her extremely hung-over mind throb in disagreement at its use. So when the showerhead attacked, that crankiness shifted a couple gears into psychotically homicidal, and her hand shot up at the first wizzing sound of it descending. She caught it by its slender tubing and dragged it, while it hissed and struggled, down to her eye-level.

Kagome glared.

"Listen, you. I've dealt with worse inanimate objects since being at this house, so don't even think for one moment that I'm going to put up with your nonsense. The rubber ducky was about as bad as I think you guys get, so this 'hissing and striking to attack' business had better stop now, because you're not about to impress anyone."

The showerhead hissed, spraying water on Kagome's face.

With a snarl, she smacked the showerhead against the tiled wall of the tub as hard as she could. It squeaked, and stopped spraying.

She gave it a good shake and continued to glare fiercely. "Not ONLY have I had to endure crazed town folk driving me out of my home because some FOOL spread rumors about me, but I had to drive here with my perverted cousin, who dumped COLD GUACAMOLE on me after I'd just gotten out of the shower. I get here, and nuns molest said cousin until he goes into an effing COMA. "She smacked the showerhead against the wall for emphasis, and didn't care if it was cruel. She was too bloody hung-over to give a damn." I then had to battle it out with said NUNS, and ended up getting the crap beaten out of me. Now I'm stuck living here with the sexiest man I've ever met in my life, and I've got to try to keep my hands off of him if I want to avoid sexual harassment lawsuits and even MORE complications. To top all this off, I just got into an argument with a bloody LAMP in my goddamn room. I do NOT need your crap this morning, douche! I really, really, REALLY don 't need your crap right now. So you're going to CHILL THE HELL OUT, and let me take a proper, soothing shower, so that I can gather up what strength I have to get through this damn day without molesting my housemate!! Do you understand me??!!!"

The douche simpered and ducked its head in shame. It dribbled water on her hand apologetically.

"Are you going to behave?" Kagome snarled venomously.

The douche nodded, and with one last warning growl, Kagome released it's slender throat. The showerhead demurely pulled back, and then nuzzled Kagome's hand, making apologetic purring noises. Kagome's left eyelid twitched.

"I'm too cranky right now for that to work on me. Just give me a good shower and I'll think about forgiving you." she grumped.

The douche nodded, though still looked a little depressed, and retracted all the way back to its mount on the wall. The water switched on, and Kagome found herself engulfed in a spray of perfectly acclimated hot water. With a sigh of tired contentment, she relaxed.

Sesshomaru and Inu-Yasha were sitting at the kitchen table, drinking coffee and talking when Kagome walked in, hair damp and steaming, skin flushed from her shower. She was feeling ten times better than she had when she'd woken up, the memories of her nightmare and the lamp yelling at her already fading away into the back of her mind, filed neatly in the space reserved for 'too traumatizing for the conscious mind'. She was looking forward to a nice breakfast cooked by her luscious housemate, and was secretly hoping he'd wear that adorable little apron he'd adorned when last he cooked for her. When she entered the kitchen, she only had eyes for Sesshomaru, and she flushed sweetly at the sight of him, feeling her knees start to go wobbly, and her heart pound in her chest. Nervous anticipation made her stomach flutter when his eyes met hers, and a small, welcoming smile graced his elegant features. This, she thought smugly, had the makings of being a very good day.

Kagome, feeling more confident now that she and Sesshomaru had made eye contact, scanned her glance across the kitchen, until her gaze landed on a slightly younger, slight scruffier, silver-haired, astonishingly handsome man. For a moment she didn't think much of this. In fact, for one moment, she almost didn't acknowledge that he was there. And then her fluttery, twitterpated brain caught up to the present----and she abruptly flipped out.

"YOU!!!"

Inu-Yasha was on his feet, scrambling for the kitchen door before Sesshomaru had even registered Kagome's reaction. He looked from his brother, to Kagome, all flushed and furious, and then back to his brother. "...wha---"

"Sesshomaru! Why is that LAMP in the kitchen???"

Both brothers nearly fell over, but it was Inu Yasha who recovered sooner. "Now, listen, about this morning---"

"Nope! No! I'm not listening to you! I'm not crazy! And I'm not going to start talking to a lamp!"

"But I'm NOT a la---"

"I said shut UP! You aren't actually talking, so just shut up!"

"Um, excuse me---"

"Woman, stop acting like an ass and open your eyes! I'm not a--"

"Lalalalala I can't hear you!!"

"Er..Inu..what...why??"

"Goddammit will you just stop acting like a child!!"

"Hey! Let go of my arm! You're a lamp! You can't do things like that!"

"But I'm NOT A LA---"

"When are you just going to accept what you are and SHUT THE HELL UP??? Lamps do not talk! Didn't your maker teach you ANYTHING?"

Sesshomaru stared, his eyes getting wider and more swirlly as the conversation continued. He had no idea what was going on, but by the looks of things, it wasn't pleasant, and trying to figure out what was going on while his brother and his house mate were shrieking at each other, was not a simple task. Still, he gave it a shot as the argument escalated, quietly pondering even as his anxiety level went up several dangerous notches.

"Wench, get your head out of your ass! I am NOT a LAMP!!!"

"If you don't let go of my arm I'm going to pull your plug and break your bulb!!! You'll never light up again!!"

"Do you see a fucking plug attached to my ass??? Do you??? And I don't HAVE a BULB for you to break, you ditzy freak!"

"It's underneath your clothes! You're just hiding it! You're probably battery powered because you're portable! I'll steal your batteries!! I'll do it!!"

"GET YOUR GODDAMN HANDS OUT OF MY SHIRT!"

"I know the plug is in their somewhere!!!"

"Hey! Don't touch me there!"

"Shut up! Where the hell is your stupid bulb?! I'll smash it, you conceited asshole! I'll teach you to mess with a human! Fucking inanimate objects thinking they're people!! I'm sick of it!! Come HERE!"

"ENOUGH!"

They froze.

Sesshomaru stood, glaring at them, and was very confused.

His new housemate and brother were fighting, and to his knowledge they'd never met before. Stranger still, his roommate was accusing his brother of being a lamp, and his brother had had a guilty expression on his face like he knew what she was talking about even while he denied her accusations. But she was accusing him of being a lamp, which really made no sense at all. And trying to puzzle the situation out with them yelling was making his head hurt, and dammit, this Sesshomaru did not like thinking under this kind of pressure!

Sesshomaru frowned, and then noticed the way Kagome's hand was under his brothers shirt, and remembered how she had been tearing at his clothes to find his 'plug'. The sight of her hand on his brother in such a manner made him feel homicidal enough that his eyes narrowed into slits as he glared at the pair. "Kagome, "he said sharply, making her jump, "That is my brother you're talking to, and he is not a lamp."

There was a very long pause, during which Kagome gaped at him before promptly spacing out for the span of five seconds. When those five seconds were finished, her head turned, oh so slowly, and she raised one hand, her finger slightly pointed at his brother, and stared at Inu-Yasha with a dangerous glint in her eyes. "Then if you're not a lamp..."she hissed slow, "What the HELL were you doing naked in my room this morning??!!!"

The bottom fell out of Sesshomaru's stomach and a roar tore its way out of his mouth, "YOU WHERE NAKED IN HER ROOM???!"

"I wasn't naked! I was wearing boxers!" Inu-Yasha squeaked, and fled to the other side of the kitchen table.

"YOU WERE IN HER ROOM IN YOUR BOXERS?!"

"Gyah! Er..eh..it wasn't my fault! I didn't know she was in there when I got in!!" By this time Inu-Yasha had taken several cautious steps toward the door. Kagome noticed this, and she glared at him fiercely.

"Don't you ever check if there's someone in the bed before you get into it?!" She snarled.

His face scrunched up in indignation. "Well, how was I supposed to know you'd be there?! It's not MY bloody fault Miroku changed his ' no one but the Taisho's' policy at random just so some tart cou--"

"Some TART?! This coming from a pervert who creeps into peoples rooms and exposes himself to unsuspecting, hungover women!"

"YOU EXPOSED YOURSELF IN FRONT OF HER??!!!"

Turning a bit green when he saw how close Sesshomaru was to the kitchen knives, Inu-Yasha gripped the door handle, and twisted it carefully. He was fully clothed, in shoes, and had his wallet in his back pocket. If he could make it to the highway, he'd be safe.

He just...had to make it to the highway...

And with the girl and his brother advancing on him with their hands hooked into claws and twin homicidal glints in their eyes, with Sesshomaru near the knives and the girl near a small mallet that was somehow on the kitchen table, he didn't think he'd make it.

"Now listen, "he began, trying desperately to sound soothing and only managing a frightened squeak, "I didn't EXPOSE myself. It was a simple mistake. I got in late last night and went to the room I ALWAYS stay in every time I come here, and went to bed. I was too tired to notice your girlfriend here---"

"I am not his girlfriend!"

"She is NOT my girlfriend!"

Inu-Yasha blinked at the now furiously blushing pair standing before him, who were now more occupied with being embarrassed than thinking about killing him. Alright, this was good. He could work with this. He managed the soothing tone this time, "Yeah. Okay. You're not dating. Rewind. I was too tired to noticed Miroku's COUSIN. It was a simple, honest mistake."

There was a very long, very agonizing pause, before the pair stopped advancing and looked as if the rational parts of their brains had turned on again. Inu-Yasha released his grip on the door, letting out the breath he'd been holding.

And then Kagome looked up and his blood froze on its path to his brain, making him go slightly cross-eyed from fear before she said, " Fine. Even so. Why, exactly, did you try to convince me that you were a lamp?"

The fear vanished and indignation took over. "I didn't TRY to convince you! I DID convince you!"

Kagome flushed. "Did not! I wasn't fooled for a second!"

"Like HELL you weren't! Woman, two minutes ago you were tearing at my shirt yowling about unplugging me and breaking my bulb! CONVINCED!"

"Not convinced!"

"CON-VINCED, you drunken wench!"

"Not convinced, you perverted, scrawny nympho!"

"This coming from YOU, little miss 'I'm going to strut about my room and arch my back in the hopes of giving unsuspecting males a flaming hard-on'!!!! Don't' call ME a nympho, you filthy SKANK!"

"WELL YOU SHOULDN'T HAVE BEEN IN MY ROOM IN THE FIRST PLACE YOU FILTHY, LETCHEROUS, NUDIST!!!!!"

"SHUT UP ALREADY!" Sesshomaru roared.

The arguing pair froze and gaped at him. Sesshomaru in an fury was an awesome sight to behold. Had he been on a highway, the mere aura he radiated would cause several major car accidents, resulting in the deaths of no less than 25 adults, 16 children, and five pets, and two senior citizens. Faced with such rage, the two could do naught but stare and hope the silver-haired businessman wouldn't cook them for dinner and serve them to unsuspecting clients.

"Now, "Sesshomaru hissed, and Kagome and Inu-yasha stared at him, feeling much like a sinner awaiting judgement at the gates of hell, "There has been nothing but CHAOS since Kagome arrived here and I mean for it to END. I will NOT have her ENTIRE STAY be filled with people yelling, getting molested, or getting attacked by inanimate objects! We're supposed to be ADULTS here."

Inu-Yasha, being Sesshomaru's brother, had a slight immunity to the terror his brother's rage inspired. It was this immunity that allowed him to recover from his fear and snort at what his brother had actually said. "This coming from the guy who nearly ran me over with his jeep this morning because he thought I was a trespasser."

"You tried to run him over?" Kagome exclaimed, the shock of Inu-Yasha's statement jolting her system enough to make her verbalize.

Sesshomaru pinked, and snapped, "Of course I didn't!"

"Oh, bullshit! I still have the bruises!"

Panicking as Inu-Yasha started lifting his sleeve to reveal the scratches, Sesshomaru drew himself up to his full height and looked down his nose at his little brother. "This Sesshomaru does not take responsibility for your S and M fedish."

Inu-Yasha's mouth fell open.

So did Kagome's.

She gazed at him curiously. "You have an S and M fedish?"

He balked. "No! Of course I don't!!"

"Boo, I was hoping you did." She sighed, looking deflated.

This was so completely different in tone than the mood of the morning, that both brother squawked ,"Why?!" in unison, both intrigued and disturbed by her ability to change the topic of conversation so quickly

"Well, "she explained slowly, frowning slightly as she enunciated, "some of the rumors the people in my town spread about me had to do with S and M, and I'm actually not exactly sure what it is..."

The brothers gawked.

"Don't know...what it is?" Sesshomaru asked weakly, feeling very put-out after having just gotten so wound up from fear that Kagome would actually find out that he'd nearly done something insane for her.

Kagome tapped her chin as she contemplated the mechanics of S and M. "I mean, I know it has to do with submission and dominance in sex, but exactly where does the 'M' come into it? What is the 'M'? Ooh, wait--its masochism! It isn't dominance and submission at all! Its Sado-masochism!" She beamed at the brothers, pleased with herself for figuring out the complex meaning behind S and M.

Inu-Yasha, feeling a bit weak in the knees after all the trauma he'd endured that morning, pulled a chair out from under the kitchen table, and sat down heavily. "You're nuts." he muttered, and rubbed his face into his hands.

He felt the frown in her voice when she said, "How so?"

"You go from wanting to tear my eyes out and screaming at me, to pondering the deeper meaning behind the term S and M. Clearly, you are nuts."

She frowned harder. "I am not. It's not my fault inanimate objects keep attacking me."

Sesshomaru inwardly preened as he watched the banter going on between his brother and his housemate. He'd avoided confessing that he had, in fact, nearly run his brother over in a mad, protective rage, and it looked as if he was going to get away with it. This was a very good thing. He glanced at Kagome, who, fresh out of the shower and one very heated argument, was looking scrumptiously rumpled and flushed, and his heart gave a small lurch. This was good. If she didn't know, she wouldn't think him a freak, and he could steadily work his way into her---

"Hey, Fluffy, why you didn't tell me she was cursed?"

Sesshomaru, jolted from his thoughts, couldn't think of anything more intelligent to say, then, "Huh?"

Inu-Yasha gave him a very thoughtful look that involved wide, surprised eyes and a confused quirk of eyebrows before he settled his expression and repeated himself. "Why didn't you tell me she was cursed?"

"Cursed?" Sesshomaru repeated. "What do you mean?"

"Yeah, didn't you know? I mean, come on---crazed townspeople believing ludicrous rumors, inanimate objects coming to life, heightened violent tendencies---it all adds up. It's not like these sorts of things happen NORMALLY, you know. "

"Well, that's a relief. Heh. I was starting to believe the world really was this crazy." Kagome grinned, relieved, and plopped down into the chair beside Inu-Yasha. "How nice to know that once I get myself un-cursed, things will settle back down."

He snickered and swiveled his head in her direction.

"Girlie, curses are constructed to suit their victims. You actually had to be a bit batty for the curse to take on this particular brand of freaky. Most people just end up falling down a flight of stairs or getting cleaved by an axe-murderer. YOU get attacked by inanimate objects and angry mobs who think you're the whore of Babylon. Hmm," he contemplated this while both Sesshomaru and Kagome stared at him with building horror. "Do have an idea who might have cursed you?"

Kagome, annoyed with him for accusing her of being nuts, scowled when she replied instantly, "Kouga. And I am not nuts."

"Ex-boyfriend?" He asked, ignoring her other comment.

This annoyed her as well, but Kagome wrinkled her nose and nodded, anyway. Sesshomaru leaned across the table (as he had sat down once his brother began to hypothesize), and patted her hand. She started and nearly knocked over her chair before clutching her hand in her lap and blushing furiously.

The silence that followed this act was deafening.

Inu-Yasha looked from his brother, to the girl, and then from the girl, to his brother. Something suspicious was going on between those two. He huffed, filing that thought away for later comtemplation. "Anyway, at least you know. It'd be good to make sure, though. Has anything else happened to you recently that's strange and unusual?"

"Eh..."Kagome said slowly as she calmed her frazzled nerves. "Well, Miroku ended up being this legendary Priest guy...supposedly the only man in history who can have sex with nuns. He's at the hospital right now recovering from them molesting him. They wore him out. "She grinned evilly, discomfort forgotten. "That's what he gets for the gaucamole. Bwa-ha."

"...nuns?"

"Yeah, nuns. Sango got them under control, though. She's having them take turns with him rather than surging at him all at once."

Inu-Yasha was very confused by this. "Wait, wait, wait, wait...back up. I need to hear the whole story before I can make any deductions..."

"How do you know all this about curses, anyway?" Sesshomaru interrupted, feeling a bit miffed that Kagome was focusing on his brother instead of him. His skin was still sizzling from where he'd touched her hand, dammit. How could she switch her attention so quickly, anyway?

"I dated a Miko recently." Inu-yasha said flatly.

Sesshomaru winced at his brothers tone, and let it go.

With a quirk of her eyebrows, Kagome made a mental note, and then explained the situation.

It was awhile before she finished, as she kept adding in how annoying her cousin was , and how mortifying it had been to have to fight of a horde of angry nuns. Sesshomaru, being the gracious host that he was, had gotten up to heat up some leftovers and serve everyone brunch. He had his apron on and was humming to himself at the stove while Kagome and his brother were digging in, when she suddenly finished and Inu-yasha gave his affirmative.

"Yup. You're cursed. And I think the only reason you're not dead right now--"

"Dead?!" Kagome squeaked, alarmed.

"Yeah, D-e-a-d, Dead. The only reason you're NOT, is because you're related to Miroku and he's this legendary guy destined to do great stuff."

Kagome scowled and took a huge bite of her food as Sesshomaru sat down across from her, looking concerned. "Damn, I have that pervert to be thankful for? Bleh."

"This is only one idea, Kagome. It could be wrong. You don't know for sure, yet, that Inu-Yasha is right."

"I AM right!" Inu-yasha snapped.

"So there's no need to jump to conclusions." Sesshomaru finished smoothly, ignoring his fuming younger brother. Kagome smiled a hopeful smile and dug into her food, feeling lightened, and Sesshomaru, seeing this, preened slightly and exited the kitchen, patting her head with his oven-mittened hand as he sauntered away.

Kagome blushed fiercely as he passed, her skin tingling painfully, and she stared at her plate, suddenly not hungry anymore.

Inu-Yasha, sensing her discomfort, coughed. "So...your name is...er...Kagome, right?"

She nodded slowly, still trying to recover from the horrible shock her system had just gotten. Every damn time Sesshomaru touched her, she got a flashback of him standing in her doorway in that tiny towel, and it was taking everything she had not to lunge after him and ravish him. "And you're..."she cleared her throat, "Sesshomaru's...um...brother? Inu-Yasha?"

"...yeah..." He said, gnawing his lip and feeling more than a little awkward.

"Oh..." she was still nodding slowly as visions of a mostly-naked Sesshomaru danced along the back of her eyeballs. "Nice to...uh...meet you?"

(a/n: er, well, I hope you enjoyed that. Sorry it took so long. And the chapter title makes sense if you're me. Review? )