A/n- ::twitch:: That is my current mind-set. Just... :: twitch :: Some of you know what I mean, and the others... Go. Finish the book.

:: twitch ::




Seeing Grey - Part LXXIX - Where The Heart Is




Last Christmas here, you know. Peter said sadly, looking around Hogsmeade as if it was going to disappear if he turned away.

We still have a month, almost. Stop being a sentimental prat. Sirius snapped, biting into his oversized candy cane. Besides, I can't wait for the holidays.

I could. Remus said quietly, watching his feet as they shoved through the first snow of the season. Nowhere to go...

Say something, Moony? Sirius asked, catching a hint of his mumble.

Looking up at Zonko's, Remus smiled and shook his head. I'll race you. he offered, lowering himself into stance.

With a wicked grin, the other three Marauders set up for what they knew would be a losing race, one that would inevitably result in a snowball fight.

I'm sure gonna miss this when it's gone. Remus said, looking up at the sky in a silent thanks to God. But I'm glad to have found peace this long. Couldn't ask for more...



So, Lupin, why didn't you?

He was my classmate, a friend. Remus replied, knowing the question without it being stated. Though he also understood that his reason was a very weak response.

Ms. Horder shook her head sadly, and looked directly at him.

Why else?

He didn't want to be there, I know that for truth. If he were a little braver, well... His family, you see, they're involved, and they would have killed him if he didn't join-

she said, surprising Remus at being so casual. once this war officially erupts for you, when someone close is hit, you'll understand things differently. Until then, however, you're stuck in your own little existence. There's black and white, the enemy and the friend. That clarity will disappear, and you'll find yourself fighting friend and being allied with enemy for a cause you'll never see. Alex may not have wanted to be there, Remus, but he was. You can't change that; no one switches sides, at least not in those circumstances. Take them down or lose your life. If not, someone else will die in turn.

Swallowing tightly, his throat not willing to comply. You knew, that it was...

You're still a child, Remus. Ms. Horder said with an almost apologetic smile. As different as you are to the rest of those your age, you're still a child. And it is very easy to read children. I've known since I saw you at dinner, and when you walked down the hall and looked at me, it only confirmed. She sighed, and leaned back in her reclining desk chair, legs crossed on the desk in front of her. It's rather funny that you seek guidance from me, though. I'd have thought you would turn to someone else for help.

How's that? You know me better than anyone else, besides my friends.

Is that so? she asked, opening an eye to steal a quick glance. What makes you tick, Remus? Why are you here? For what purpose did God create you, and send you all your misblessings?

Confused, Remus did nothing but look at the floor. Such a front question, almost randomly asked, he thought.

You've tried to give up, I can see it, at some point you wanted to throw in the towel and call it off. she said, her voice quiet, though piercing in Remus' mind. Why didn't you, what caused you to stop yourself and push on for another difficult day?



You don't have to answer that, not to me. she said, and pointed upwards, smiling. Tell that one to God, so you can hear it for yourself. I don't think you even know, yet.

I don't. he muttered, feeling his face go red. Not most of the time, anyway...

Look Remus, she said, interrupting his pensive thoughts. I like you.

Remus went even more red, his entire face now the perfect match to the crimson Quidditch robes of his House.

Not in any way that would threaten my career, mind you. she said hastily, laughing to herself. You have a sense of reality that few people, even ones much older than me, can ever hope for. You've a bright mind and strong loyalties, and friends that many would kill for.

Her words struck his hart, sending a cold wave through it like a bullet.

But I want you to remember something Remus, and never forget it.

They held the other's stare for several seconds, connected at a level few teachers ever reached with a student.

Never doubt yourself. You have the ability to do great things, if only you'll let yourself. Never hold yourself back, Remus, especially during times of war. Rise above the rest.

Nodding in silence, Remus stood up, and turned to leave.

Sometimes it's better not to stand out. Hiding in the shadows lets me stay away from people I could hurt.

Is that your fear? Ms. Horder inquired, truly wondering what his greatest dread was.

Possibly... I don't really know.

Well, I'll just have to find a boggart sometime. Maybe then we can see who really is on our side, then. See what drives the students who walk these halls each day, writing the future for themselves.

Remus walked off, his face set cold, not reflecting his state of mind. His thoughts were alive with fury, with rage, with compassion, and above all else, with concern.

How long is our kind even going to last? he pondered out loud solemnly. Is there even a future for us?



I have no idea what to get anyone for Christmas. Peter complained, rolling over on his bed. Everyone's so distracted as of late, I can't really just go and ask them at random.

Well, there goes my plan. Sirius said with a short snap of his fingers. Eh, I'll just get everyone candy. I'm yet to meet a single person who doesn't enjoy candy.

Yes, well, some of us prefer a little more depth to giving gifts than that. Peter said in return, looking up at his friends upside-down for the sheer novelty of it. They had been confined to the castle for some time, and most everybody was becoming restless.

James, something bothering you? Remus asked. It was unusual for him to be so quiet, especially when Sirius was picking on Peter as he was now.

Shaking his head distantly, James continued to stare at his photo-album, a collection that he had been putting together for several years in secret.

Sitting down on the other side of James' bed, Remus peered over and smiled.

You have quite a few pictures of her. he noticed, watching the gorgeous redhead wave, James' head captured under her other arm playfully.

Smiling, he shrugged. She likes being in pictures. he offered as a reason.

So, what did you get her?



Christmas, you know, the holiday that involves the birth of Christ and celebration and buying presents for people. Remus said with a short roll of his eyes.

Oh, yeah...

James, you're blushing like mad. he pointed out, happily teasing his friend. He tried once more. What did you get her?

Uhm, you know, just... Something...

Hey, Prongs, did you get her-

Really, James, what did you get her? Remus interrupted persistently, ignoring Sirius' laughter.

Still brimming with a red face, James mumbled something.



I haven't picked it out yet... he said, slightly louder.

Picked what out?

James flicked his head over towards Sirius and Peter, who were sharing their thoughts on very rude suggestions for gifts, and looked down.

Tell you later.



Remus sat, quietly tapping his quill tip on the edge of his desk as Professor Binns rambled onwards about a treaty between two parties, neither which Remus cared for. Off to his left, James was writing something, furiously scratching out every other line as he went. Periodically he would crumple up the paper and it would turn into a small pile of ash by way of some forbidden charm.

Wonder what he's writing.' Remus mused, trying to crane his neck enough to see. Sensing the intrusion, James turned another shade of scarlet, and shifted his elbow so as to block Remus' line of vision.

Pity he can't hear me like Sirius, else I'd just pester him.' he thought to himself with an apologetic shrug to his friend.



He easily caught the faint whisper, and turned.



Can you come down to Hogsmeade with me tonight?

Yeah, why?

James turned back to the ghost, pretending to pay attention and take notes again.



So what's been bothering you Prongs? You've bee acting really strange, I mean, even on Sirius-standards.

His flushed cheeks stood a striking contrast to the cold, pale skin of his frowning face. In agitation, he wiped the condensation from his glasses, and swallowed.

he decided at long last, thrusting a crumpled piece of paper into Remus' hand. Unfolding it, he almost laughed in astonishment.

You're serious, aren't you? he realised, looking up and reading the warm yet determined eyes. He glanced back at the clumsily writen verse, and shook his head.

Yes... I need your help though. he muttered, still embarrassed. Remus slung an arm around his old friend's shoulders, and smiled wide.

If you're certain, I'd be honoured to help you out. he said, and James relaxed.

Don't tell her, alright?

I'd never. Besides, why would I ruin a chance to see you give her this? Oh, Lord, that'll be a sight! he joked, grinning. Leading James to the proper street, he stopped, and waited.

Well... Here goes. James said, rubbing his frigid hands together expectantly. Remus offered a final encouraging smile, and shoved his friend inside the little candlelit shop.

Now or never, right? he said, ruffling the snow out of his thick shag of hair.

Ah, Mister Potter. Excellent to see you in good health, sir. For what do I owe the pleasure of your presence in my humble store? the old clerk asked, his blue eyes twinkling merrily. Perhaps a gift for your lovely girl? I've often seen the pair of you, strolling past. A beautiful find, good sir, eyes like the finest emeralds.

James said to himself, nodding. Yes, they rather are. Though I say, Mr. Norm, she outshines them by far.

Chuckling, the weathered man stepped behind one of the many glass cases, and pulled out a thin, black pallet.

Anything you're interested in, good sir, do not hesitate to ask. he said, pulling out a huge ring of various keys. Is there anything in particular you're looking for? A necklace, or perhaps some of these fine earrings. Diamonds cut from the richest source, not a scratch on them.

I... Uh...

I think he fancies a ring, Mr. Norm. Remus said, voicing what his friend could not.

Nodding, the man scurried to another display, grabbing the pallet as he went. Flipping through a few keys, he unlocked a sparkling cabinet, and removed several drawers, emptying careful selections onto the pallet.

These lower-grade gold rings are very popular right now, a lad a year or so younger bought one just last week for his girlfriend. he offered, placing a display box of the rings on the display table. James shook his head, still incapable of finding the words.

Pure gold, right James? Yes, Mr. Norm, I don't believe he's after anything other than your best.

Naturally. Nothing less for a Potter, wouldn't do at all. the man said, cursing himself for thinking otherwise. Now, over here there's a fine selection of bands-

James finally managed, his voice very strong now, not faltering in the slightest.



I'm looking for your very best, and I'd like it simple, but perfect.

Prongs, here, look at these. Remus suggested, pointing him towards a display not in the immediate attention of the room. It was obviously the case for the more expensive and precious jewels, and it took the clerk a while to disarm the security wards.

It's... It's perfect. James whispered, holding up one of the rings with a dreamy look in his eyes. Smiling, he eagerly showed Remus, beaming with pride for his find.

Ah, a timeless piece, there's quite a story on that very ring, good sir. A decedent of Merlin himself offered that to his true love, and for generations it was told to bring nothing short of happiness. the old man said whimsically, caught up in the moment of fond tale.

These though, Lily doesn't like diamonds. James said to himself.

Remus leaned in, and whispered a small suggestion.

Grinning, James nodded, and told the clerk what he wanted done.

Brilliant, Prongs, absolutely brilliant. Remus praised, amazed at the clever modification to his own idea.

Nothing but perfect will do. James informed the old clerk, who was quite tearful with memories of old.

Of course, good sir. I say, though, this shan't come cheap I'm afraid.

Nothing but perfect.



Don't you look cheeky Potter...

Can we do this some other time? James asked with a lightheaded look of pleasure. I'm really not in the mood for slandering right now.

Such a pity, too. Snape said, looking at Remus. He snorted to himself, noticing how horribly battered Remus' robes and pants were.

What'd you do, beast, wrestle with one of your own kind? I've seen better rags on a house-elf.

And I've seen better personality from a flobber worm, mind you. Though your grease looks particularly lustrous today, Severus, I must compliment you on that. Remus shot back with an airy smile. Idly, he tipped a pretend hat and bowed low.

If you shan't mind us passing, my good repugnant Slytherin, we'll be on our way.

James snickered as they went by, pleased to see Remus in a joshing mood again.

That was rather good, Moony. I applaud you. he said, delighted at Snape's disgruntled look before he stormed off.

Thank you. Remus returned with a flourished bow. Now, shall we go back and wrap that before you lose it?

Er, I don't really want Sirius...

Understanding, Remus nodded, and took the velvet black box from his friend.

I'll hold on to it for you, until you're ready to give it to her.

Bracingly, James nodded, and watched as Remus slipped his own fate into his pocket.

I need help writing-

Not my field, Prongs. Remus laughed hurriedly. Don't even bother trying with me, you're better off with the chase-and-hunt Sirius.

he mumbled with a shrug.



Shaking his head, Remus passed the register along without adding his signature to the extensive lot. It seemed most everyone was eager to be home for the holidays this year, as the list had included almost all of Gryffindor House.

Reassuring themselves that their family is still there, don't you think? Sirius pondered with a long sigh. Half of these blokes will probably end up crying to sleep their first night, I'll reckon.

Were are you headed for the break?

My parents are off on business, so they tell me. I'm pitching in with James... And you? he asked hesitantly, knowing it was a touchy subject for Remus. Never having proper family or even a consistent home to run to, he was careful not to tread on painful ground.

Since Caleb really doesn't want me back at the Underground, He said his bit softly, so no one would overhear. With the commotion in the common room, however, it was an unnecessary precaution. I figured it's about time I see my brother.

There was no anger foudn in his voice now, and Sirius figured Remus had accepted the logic of why he was banned. Romolus, however, little had been said of him in a long while.

Going to try and mend things with him? Sirius question, shutting his eyes.

Everyone looked tired, Remus thought, and the early signs of weariness had even reached the Marauders.

Do I have a choice?

There's always an open room for you at James'- he began.

He's my only kin. Remus explained, his cheeks tinting red. Whether or not, you know, all past aside... If I can't forgive him now I'll lose all I've got.

Blood doesn't mean family. Sirius mused, the wise tone very uncharacteristic to him. Just because you were born to certain people doesn't mean they're family, I think. With the war going on, I see a lot of people shifting their loyalty.

Eyebrows raised, Remus frowned. He had never noticed how pensive his reckless friend could be. Obviously, there was an unknown side to the prankster.

Some of the Hufflepuffs broke off friendships, depending on their sides to the war front. Dottie Cosin, the Ravenclaw you tied O.W.L.'s for, she doesn't speak to her parents anymore. Stays with friends over the holidays... He stopped, opened his eyes and flushed slightly. What I'm saying, Moony, is that you aren't entitled to be family' just because of relation. Prongs and Wormtail and me, we'll always be your family, you know... Here for ya'.

Nodding, unknowing how to respond, Remus smiled. He had a place in the world, somewhere. It could take his life to find, though at that moment, he would readily pay any price to know he fit in.

Here for me, unconditionally.' he thought. With an air of supreme contentment, he too closed his eyes, and let the loving warmth of the fire overwhelm him.






A/n- Yes, I', still recovering from shock. HP5... My less than parentally father scrapped a copy for me when he was out on vacation (in which I wasn't invited) and express-mailed it home. Didn't sleep, devoured the poor book. This chapter was written before, and in the wake of finishing what I've waited three years for, well... I needed to do something. I haven't recovered yet, as some of you may know the feeling. Everyone else, WHAT in the name of everything wonderful are you DOING? GO!!!!!!!!!!!!

:: twitch ::

Iggie, who is so mentally distraught she cannot think right-off




chinnibun: Megatokyo rules. w00t!