A/n- Ohmigod, really. :)

Disclaimer- I own nothing but that which I do. Try that one, eh?




Seeing Grey - Part LXXXVII - Persevere




Hey Moony, are you alright?

He looked up, startled at the intrusion to his thoughts. Realising it was only Sirius, he nodded, and let out a long sigh.

Just thinking, that's all.

We've been looking for you for a while, you know. You skipped dinner again. Sirius said as he sat down, shoving Remus over to make room on the cold stone bench. Is something bothering you again?

Shaking his head, Remus tried to force away his somber look. The year's ending, Sirius, and I guess I don't want to face the aftermath.

We all gave to graduate. Sirius said lazily, skipping stones into the lake before him. I don't really want to either, but it isn't like I can change that.

It's not so much just graduating. Remus started,pursing his lips for a moment. After this year, most everyone is going to go get a job, marry, or join for the war... I'm going to have to fight for the Underground, and...

Not ready for it yet, eh? Sirius mused, nodding his head. Look Moony, I can't possibly hope to understand what you're going through. I'd be wrong if I said I did, and I wont lie to you like that. But know that, hell, me and James and Peter are always going to be there to help you, no matter what battles you face. We'll be behind you.

Remus said nothing, continuing to stare out across the ashy waters. ABove, the crest of moon cast it's reflection down, the brim of white rippling as the giant squid below disturbed the calm.

I just don't know what to do. he admitted, the words tasting like fire.

How so?

After Hogwarts is over, I don't have any choice but to return to the Underground. My brother is there now, and... Caleb wants me to take over. He's been subtle about it before, but now, I know I'm going to have to command the order there. I just don't think I'm ready to try and save so many people.

Sirius put a hand on his shoulder. Looking up, Remus noticed that his mischievous glint had vanished, and in it's place, there was a solemn boy not often seen.

Remus, no one's expecting you to save the world. he said gently. It may seem like it to you, but they'll never force that duty onto you. You can command and conquer the curse when you're good and ready. We don't expect you to do any different... I may not live there, and I may not be a werewolf, Remus, but I understand that much. You have all the time in the world.

It doesn't feel like it. His head hung down, and it seemed a burden to open his eyes again. Every time I try to do anything, I get shot down... It seems like I'm moving backwards. Sirius, I really don't think I can last much longer. Before, I've always had Hogwarts to fall back on. What's to happen to me when it's gone?

He shook his head, unable to meet the icy gaze. Sirius had no answer, nobody had an answer. I don't know Remus, but you'll figure it out eventually. Things are going to change, sure, but really. We'll always be there.

The phrase echoing through his mind, Remus nodded, and closed his eyes. I hope so.



No, dammit, you're letting yourself open for attack!

Remus cringed as his professor yelled out, easily intimidating the Hufflepuff girl she was dueling.

You have to block, alright? You're going to get yourself killed if you keep leaving your side free.

She's really being harsh lately. James muttered, watching as the battle ensued. Must be because of the attacks again.

Peter said, flinching as the girl was bested once again, and received another tell.

James, Sirius and Remus all looked over curiously, wondering what their quiet friends knew.

Well, I was out getting dinner from the kitchens yesterday- I had detention with Forson again, because of you- And I ran into them.

James inquired, trying to pretend he was paying attention to the duel. No one fancied being caught distracted during class.

Ms. Horder and Forson. Peter went on, swallowing slightly. She had come down to his office in a fit, she was yelling and crying and all... I hid myself in the storeroom, Forson had forgotten I was serving detention.

Sirius smiled, and offered him a congratulations on a good job. Noticeably more cheerful, Peter went on.

Remember that Asian man, Ryosuke, that she had brought in before for a lecture?

Her adoptive father.' Remus reminded himself, nodding.

She kept yelling about him, screamed his name over and over until Forson calmed her down. I think he was killed... He finished quietly, and looked up.

Remus followed his gaze, and found Ms. Horder to be staring at the three of them. Her eyes were red, glowing with an inner hatred that made the Marauders shudder to themselves.

Obviously, she had overheard them.

Class, you may leave. she whispered, her tone shattered.

Unsure of themselves, the throng waited, no one taking a single step towards the door until coaxed by her icy eyes once more. In silence, everyone hurried to their bags and filed through the door.

Hold on, I left my scroll for Transfiguration. Remus said hastily, waving off his flustered friends in the hall.

Doubling back, he crept into the room, slipping in the open door crack. She was still out in the dueling ring, though now crouched down, hugging her knees.

She was right, she doesn't seem much older than us... Rom went to class with her. She's only a few years older than him.' He recalled from a forbidden conversation.

I'm sorry. he said gently, setting his bag down. Biting his lip, he advanced, and waited until he was sure she wasn't going to hex him before he sat down in front of her. Cross legged and pensive, he nodded once. I know what it's like to lose people to the Dark.

She looked up, and Remus' breath caught in his throat. Her eyes were... Unbelievable. The pupils had become nothing more than a pinhead of black against the most vibrant, icy-blue he had ever seen. It was unnaturally scary.



The words wouldn't form, and he swallowed. He couldn't say anything to make the pain go away and he knew it.

It's just... she started, tearing her eyes away and staring out the window. Funny, how often she never opened it, never allowing the light in. Remus hadn't noticed before.

I'm so tired of this, Remus.

We all are. he answered, not reacting to her using his first name. We've all lost so many people.

First Andrew, and... Dell. she choked, the names coming out like forbidden curses. And now Father.

He tensed, as she reached over and latched onto him. It was a forceful embrace, not something calm and soothing of two who cared, but of one desperate for a grip on reality. Slowly, he pushed her away.

Grieving isn't going to make them come back. he said as clearly as he could. Nor will revenge.

She stiffened, his hands still on her shoulders. Something flashed in the corner of her eyes, and she shut them quickly.

My parents are with the Dark. she said through clenched teeth. They killed my family, my three sisters, when I was young. At the time I had been at training, with my sensei that lived down our street. Didn't know I was a witch, nor him a warlock. He didn't allow me to go home that night. Ms. Horder went on, her hands shaking, fumbling to clench her robes in anger. I never knew, they never even told me... Father took me in and trained me not only in the martial arts, but in the other arts as well. At Hogwarts, everyone knew my name, because of my parents, because of their killing spree for seven years...

Remus nodded, wondering why she was carrying on so in his presence. It wasn't like the collected woman to ramble her life story to a student.

I had to change my name and go into hiding, there was only so much Ryosuke could do. When I graduated, and finished my Auror training...

You wanted to kill them? he finished, shaking her shoulders gently. She had closed her eyes and had begun to rock back and forth like a weeping child, an image she was holding many semblances to.

A mere nod confirmed this.

And Andrew...

They could never find me, so they did the next best thing. she whispered, slumping forward. Remus held her upright, not know what to do.

All these years, everyone around me has died because my parents let me slip. And now, I... Nothing left...



Remus looked up, and was relieved to see that help had arrived. Standing in the distance behind the pair of professors, Peter nodded to his friend, receiving a knowing answer.

The moment you think you have nothing to live for, Celia, Professor Forson said, kneeling down. His presence seemed different, much like it had during the beginning of the year. Gone was his maniacal gleam during Potions or the cold stares reserved for students. This was an alternate self not often let out. The moment you give in and throw it all away, they've won.

Dumbledore put a hand on Remus' back, and eased him away.

I think it's time you went to class, Mr. Lupin. And quietly as to not disturb the halls.

Remus understood the subtle request, and gathered his things. last he looked, Professor Forson was embracing the sobbing young woman, while Dumbledore just stood in silence, shaking his head in defeat.

How many more will be broken? Remus head the wise old man whisper as he slipped away into the idle halls.



Ms. Horder was nowhere to be seen for the following week. A short, stocky man with hazy eyes had taken her place, demanding nothing of the class but their willingness to cooperate in the ring. During meals she was absent, her seat next to the Slytherin Head of house left absent.

For once, the whole of the school held a singular respect. Even some of the Slytherins whose loyalties had been known to fade were sincerely sorry to see her gone.

C'mon Remus, you have to tell us what's wrong. Sirius pestered with a frown, moving his steak about his plate in random patterns.

Lay off it Padfoot, it isn't your business. Peter grumbled, his arms crossed. He hadn't been eating for some time, Remus noted. Sirius' taunts of him being the chubby little rat were beginning to go to his head. Horder will be back and she'll tell us when she's ready to. Leave Remus out of it.

James nodded his agreement, and under the table, he squeezed Lily's hand.

What if she turns out like some of the kids? the Slytherin asked, referring to more than one young boy or girl who had seemingly lost part of their awareness with a family one's death. They were often referred to as the living ghosts, though the House spirits had been testy to the nickname.

Remus shrugged slightly, and swallowed a long gulp of his pumpkin juice. I don't think she'll be shattered like the rest of them. She was scared, yes, but she still had her spark of anger.

He didn't let on to her hateful lust for revenge, though it was the sole reason he figured that his favourite Defense instructor would snap back. Her desire for justice was too strong for her to lose her mind.

What's becoming of us? James asked wistfully, looking around the Great Hall. Students were silent, no jokes were being discussed, no Dungbombs going off in erratic succession. Worst of all, the professors seemed helpless, Dumbledore himself not finding the strength to smile with his normal vigor.

We'll carry on alright. Sirius mused, trying to force some sort of encouraging face. Wars happen all the time, and we always live through it.

I suppose so.

He didn't look convinced.



How is she?

Professor Forson furrowed his eyebrows, displeased that he was being asked of such during class. He didn't sneer, however, or ignore the question as Remus had guessed he would.

She should be fine in a couple of days. he said shortly, peering over the cauldron. He found nothing to criticize, and began to walk away.

But if she has no family left, then...

His eyes silence Remus, casting an eerie chill through his body.

Do not think she is so fragile as to collapse because of this. he said coldly, some of the class catching the conversation and looking to one another in confusion. It is a mere setback. Life will go on, Mr. Lupin, as it does for everyone.

He stepped away, his footsteps falling heavily on the cold stone floor.



Remus turned, surprised that Snape had spoken out in such a way. It was a rarity, especially to the Slytherin's favourite professor.

Something to share, Mr. Snape?

The silencing glare did nothing to keep Snape from elaborating.

You say that life will continue in such a way that the Light will go unharmed. You don't believe this, nor do you exercise such optimism. You expelled yourself from the very league of the highest-ranking defenders of Light magic.

Behind him, Remus could feel his comrades stiffen. It was a sense he was well attune to, though he was sure everyone else could feel the obvious uneasiness of the room.

Snape stood up, alone as the insurgent he had titled himself. He looked calm, unafraid to the opposing threats from his elder, though a wash of hatred emanated from him.

Rather, Remus though, an aura of supreme disappointment.

You back down from fighting the Dark rebellion. Why?

Forson closed his eyes, and to the class' surprise, he didn't scorn the boy for such a blatant remark.

Your Ministry has blind sighted itself to the actuality of this war. he said hatefully, his voice on the verge of cracking. And you... How dare you even speak against me for not supporting the Light. There are those of muddled beast blood who are more pure than some of you may ever wish to be. Do not scorn those who oppose you.

Remus swallowed, wondering whether he should be angry at the comment or relieved that at least one person trusted him of his loyalties.

With all due respect, sir, Snape answered, his lips pressed thin. you do not know the entire story.


Class was silent for the rest of the day, and everyone felt it a wonder that Hogwarts didn't become a battle front that morning.



I really don't understand how we're going to survive any longer like this, kid. The Ministry must be on to us, and to be honest I fear that we'll have to abandon the Underground here. No idea where we'd go... It seems that everywhere they have tabs out for our heads. We can't survive like this, kid, we all need you back here.

Dammit Lupin, I can't run this anymore!

It's unfair for you, I can't apologize enough, but we need you, now. Maybe if the situation changes with the war, we wont be so desperate. And if my damn leg ever heals... A cripple can't support a warring community. Every single person here is waiting for you.

Hurry through school, alright? I'm not trying to force you out, but we have to get some advice. You're a tactical genius sometimes, even a replied strategy could save us. Not to worry you, kid, but we're on the edge of capture. Don't know where else to turn.

Caleb

Remus folded the letter, his face tightened in pained thoughts.

The Underground was falling apart.

How am I going to stop this? I can't leave school to lead them. he mumbled to himself. Across the table, Sirius shook his head, reading the expression well enough to understand.

They need you again, don't they? he asked quietly, not wishing anyone to overhear. It was deathly silent in the Great Hall, especially for a dinner so late in the year. Talks of vacations and exams had been extinguished weeks ago with ever news headline, every onslaught of Dark activity.

he replied, trying to collect himself. He was shaking, though the chill of cold wind he felt did not exist to the others.

We only have a few weeks to go, Remus. Try to work this through first. James suggested solemnly. To his side, Lily was leaning on his shoulder, fast asleep. It wasn't an uncommon sight anymore. Gently, James pushed a lock of hair from her face, donning a hopeful smile.

We're going to be caught soon. Remus muttered. The Ministry is tracking every move we make, it wont be long-



Sirius narrowed his eyes, watching as the small pack of Ravenclaws walked by. They were carrying a first-year, who had presumably keeled over in exhaustion. The fifth this week, Remus said to himself.

Remus, you need to be careful. People are starting to say things-

They've been saying it for years, Peter. he answered dully. The war's just an excuse for them to believe it.

We just don't want you to get hurt, that's all. Sirius said, returning to his meal after a pensive moment. You risk a lot, and it can't be helped sometimes...

Just looking out for you. James concluded.

Nodding, Remus let out a sigh, and tucked the grim letter into his robe pocket.



This is impossible.

Well keep trying.

I am, dammit, but you know I'm not any good for this. I was only supposed to handle getting the ingredients.

Snape rolled his eyes, and didn't bother to cease his scoffing. Now's a fantastic time to make use of your incompetence, really. I applaud you for it.

Bloody hell, do you want my help or not? He was very serious, and his tone seemed to get the point across. The agitated Slytherin bowed his head in unspoken apology, and went back to his own boiling cauldron.

Remus understood that he was of little help, though going unappreciated was not helping the tension. There had been a slight wall between the two forced comrades since a previous encounter of Houses.

Remus' note had slipped from his pocket, and though it contained nothing to incriminate him on his condition, it did leave him in a dark position.

Rather, a Dark one.

Who are you going to use this on? he muttered, trying to keep himself in full concentration as he measured countless vials of liquid. The fumes, the dizzying eddy of wafting smoke clouded his mind. The dim dungeon seemed foggy, as in a dream.

He took in a deep breath, and closed his eyes for a moment.

Anyone I suspect. Snape finally answered, aware of the Gryffindor's struggle to stand the conditions. They didn't seem to have any affect on him.

Including me?

Their eyes met, and Remus understood immediately that the thought had crossed his mind.

he said slowly, still mildly unsure. Normally I would suspect such, but given your curse... He shook his head, frowned. I can assume what the letter really meant, but Lupin, you should watch your back. This is going to be like a plague to you.

I just don't care anymore. If my life is going to fall apart, it will. It's been long overdue... Living on borrowed time simply doesn't work anymore.




A/n (prepare for a rant!)- Erm, hello? God, I have a lot I need to say, but I don't want to risk sounding like a complete fool. So I'll start off with my most sincere apology ever.

SORRY!

How long has it been, two-three months? I don't know. Recently, I've had no perspective on real time anymore. A lot has happened, a lot that I'll spare you tale of, so writing this has been a huge challenge. The entire foundation that Seeing Grey was created from kind of crumbled beneath me, and it was hard to get into the mind to write anymore.

To everyone, the only thing I can say is thank you. You've all been a huge play in this, this damn beast of a story, and I can't express enough how much it means.

This is officially the re-Grand Opening of Seeing Grey. I may not be on a regular schedule like before, but that's life. I've accepted that now. You'll all have chapters as they come, on no set basis, but they will come. I promise right now to see this through to the inevitable end, and I won't abandon you all.

So, on a lighter note. The reason this took so long is simple. Normally, I could handle my problems. I gave a projected return date of late September... Well, that came and went with a bang. A bad one, and a good one. To skip over it all and be my normal blunt self, I'm happy.

Yes, I know. Gasp.

Seeing grey might suffer a bit of a change since I can't be constantly depressed anymore, but eh, we'll see what happens. So until then, everyone...

THANK YOU.

And review, dammit! I need those again :)


-Ignominious, who feels like such a grinning fool she can't even explain it.