Seeing Grey - Part XCIII - Wide Open
You're leaving, aren't you?
Remus nodded his head, weakly following Ms. Horder's lead. She had her arm looped to his, deftly guiding him as he walked along. His mind hadn't settled, and he seemed to be dead walking.
To Hogwarts?
Boy, I'm sorry, we have to get going. You'll need to stay with the rest of the-
They're going to capture you.
Ms. Horder stopped, glaring at the irritating child with the most voracious look she could summon. Little boy, there are things you don't understand, more is at stake than-
I know. Remus said, snapping his head up and silencing both the young rider and his professor. It seems that the entire Underground has had the same precog... It doesn't matter. The Ministry is going to catch me either way, you know that Roufuss, do you not?
The boy rubbed the neck of his horse, and leaned very slightly. His tiny horse inched closer and then promptly cut the small group off.
It'll be morning by the time you get there, and the Ministry will come soon after. They're going to kill you, as an example, they want to use you as a scapegoat for the Dark activity at Hogwarts-
Remus barked, raising his voice and sharpening his gentle tone. He broke his arm free from Ms. Horder, and pushed her back slightly. Shaking his head, he let his hand rest on the boy's shoulder and initiated a short, silent communication.
Roufuss, you know the Underground is going to fail. We all know that. You haven't been here long, but I know you can understand this. There are things I have to prove, to myself, my friend, to everyone. If I have to fall, then so be it. This is my story and I'll let this chapter end how I want.
The boy, who seemed to be so much older than he had earlier in the day, fumbled to sit upright on his horse. He grabbed his left leg, swinging it around by force. Remus hadn't realized it was a useless limb.
I've had nothing but failure my whole life! he declared, his face twisted up angrily. Everything's been wrong! I finally found my way here, and all the things I heard- I even had a Vision-
So has everyone. Remus said shortly, interrupting what could have been quite a tirade. We all knew this would happen, sooner or later. I decided to stop running and let life catch up with me.
This isn't fair. the boy declared roughly, his mismatched eyes narrowing.
If nothing has been fair for you so far, one more won't hurt you.
How can you say that? For the past day, all I've heard is how you're a saint, how you brought this all together with that Caleb man, how hard you work to make things right! Why would you walk away from this?
Remus shook his head, and leaned in. He pat his hand on the small horse's neck, and ran it along the shimmering black coat as he thought.
I have my own life, you know? he asked, half to himself. Everyone here, they mean the world to me even if they can't hear me. I mean, over half don't speak English, but because we're a pack... They understand. Everyone understands, and has for the longest time. I've just never been able to see it myself.
Remus looked up, and could tell the boy wasn't following him. Your life has been difficult, for that's I'm sure. But mine wasn't easy either, and helping the Underground hasn't been in the slightest. Every single person here I have a connection to. They're part of my family, they're kin to me.
Then why are you leaving them to die?
Drawing in a cold breath, he shook his head. For so many years, I haven't been able to understand one simple thing, and it's finally coming to me now.
What's that? Roufuss inquired, his mismatched eyes curious.
I may be part of this... Society, but I have my own life, and I have to make my own choices. This is something I have to do, even if it means sacrificing one of the things I hold dearest to me.
Roufuss shook his head, and struggled to pull himself correctly on hs horse. Giving it a pat on its side and a sharp Yah!', he bolted off in anger.
No one's ever going to understand this... Remus muttered to himself.
Hey kid.
He stopped, forced to by her grip on his shoulder. Yeah? What is it?
Ms. Horder looked tired, he noticed that much immediately. It has been a while since he had seen her, let alone shared a conversation. How much had he missed happening?
You'll arrive in the morning, close to nine.
Apparating back?
Yes. Dumbledore has already left, he has several things to settle with the Ministry preceding your return.
Remus took in a cold breath, the feeling of distress returning. They'll be waiting for me-
Remus, when you arrive, it'll be graduation.
He blinked. Had he been gone so long...
The Ministry is going to be waiting for you, as I'm sure you're aware. They do not know that you're coming, since we've avoided the Floo Network, but they'll know the instant you set foot in the school. Do you-
No, I don't. Not yet. he answered pushing onward. The wood was beginning to thin, he was close to the Muggle roads now. A few more miles and he'd be able to access the overseas transport station...
You should go. he muttered.
She stepped out in front of him, and waited for his eyes to meet hers. She was frowning, almost, but smiling just the same. It was an impossible expression, a blend of confused eyes and straining features.
Kid, I wish I could somehow understand what you go through, or make it any easier for you, but I can't. Just, one thing Remus...
She was doing a terrible job getting her words out, Remus thought to himself with a smirk. It was the wrong to be amused, but he was too neurotic to resist.
You're one of the brightest, most heartfelt individuals I've ever met. The fact that you've kept your heart through everything... Kept yourself true.
I've done a lot of harm-
But dammit, kid, you're still a better person than most anyone I know! she snapped, her face scrunching up like it always did when she was livid. Everything is falling apart, kid, everything. The Dark's taking over on every front. It'll only be a few years, if that, until we're completely overpowered. No one will acknowledge it... And you, you've been at it first hand your whole life in a sense. Remus no matter what happens, you have to keep fighting it.
I don't have a choice-
Of course you do. Horder interrupted again. Your choice will affect far more people than mine could, than most. Your burdens are terrible, but that's what sets you apart.
I didn't ask for this life, but it's what I have now... I'm not trying to be a hero, Ms. Horder, I don't want to be a hero.
Chivalry is not a choice, kid, it's something that springs from your very being. Heroism is not something you chose. It's a result of actions. Remus, everything you do... Most everything you do, she corrected, smirking very slightly. is selfless. You work for your friends, and for those strays back there. I've met very few wizards like you, far too few...
And it doesn't even matter. Remus mumbled to himself, pushing on. They were along a Muggle road now, paved and tidy. The road lines were clean and smooth, continuing along straight in perfect direction. They had nothing but consistency. He resented those perfect lines.
Doesn't matter?
She snapped out of view, and in a slight puff of air, was directly in front of him. Her vicious, fiery eyes returned with all the vigor from their first encounter. She had an intoxicating stare that he couldn't break, despite wishing against the connection.
Remus, you've helped to save so many lives, how many men, boys, can say that?
Saved them from what? An end to their suffering?
You saved them from living lives devoid of any hope. You saved them from losing their souls, and there's nothing greater than that. Don't you dare fall into some pathetic doubt about yourself and your actions, kid. Don't even bother.
She paused, and smiled briefly once again. You've a lot of fights ahead of you, and I pray to whatever deity will listen that you'll keep your heart. Dark times are ahead, and the world needs more of you.
I don't think the world could handle one more Remus Lupin.
Celia Horder laughed, the sound echoing through the area, and disappeared from his sight.
God, what am I doing?
What has to be done to save yourself.
So many years seemed to have caught up with her, at long last. A once vibrant coat was now matted and flecked with dull, split silver hairs. Her back sunk from age, sharply sloping down. She was emaciated, her ribs spiking through what used to be a defined mesh of muscle. Even her gait was showing wear, choppy and creaking.
It has been a while, little wolf.
Too long, Shebea, far too long. he said with a tired sigh. His battered satchel swung limp from his elbow as he eased down to a kneel. Like before, he scratched lightly behind her ears. Closing her eyes and twisting her head in delight, Shebea made a content little growl of thanks.
What has brought you back? I had thought you gone.
I've been running from everything, including myself, for far too long. I'll end this when I'm ready, and...
You do not sound confident in your choice. Possibly, you are not ready to admit an end?
Remus shook his head, and pursed his lips. They stung; he hadn't noticed how dry they had become over the journey. In absent-minded thought, he chewed away a flake of skin.
My pack, both of my packs, are going to be torn from me tonight. Shebea, I'm ready to stop running from myself, but I don't wish to lose them.
They will always have you in their hearts, with their soul, so long as you do not run from them. You have been hiding from both, and I know your pack here mourns it deeply. Little wolf, I know you do not intend so, but you are hurting them so very much. You musn't run again, little one. Stay now, for them and yourself. None of you are strong alone.
I know, and I'm here now... Regardless of any lingering second thoughts, I can't go back. But Shebea... What am I going to say? How can I face them after doing this again...
He took in a humid breath of air, and swallowed nervously. All the miles he had walked had not been enough to conjure a single thing to say to his friends upon reunion. He felt very fatigued, suddenly.
Shebea sensed his discomfort and wandering thoughts, and nipped his fingertip.
Words are not always needed, little one. The wild one has been down in my forest many times, playing with my pups-
Shebea! You have-
and he is in much distress. The girl with fire hair and emerald eyes, she sits by the lake with her mate. They say nothing, and yet much is shared. They all ache for your return.
You old girl, when did you-
You have been gone a while, little wolf, and it has been longer since you visited. Things have changed. she barked, and with a canine smile and another nip she left in a graceful, aging stride into the thickest wood.
Remus smiled, and shook his head. Things have changed, I just hope many aren't for the worst, old friend.
His feet felt like stone bricks, molded together with the floor itself. He had let the hours pass while he waited, trying desperately to think of anything to tell James, Sirius, everyone. Tomorrow would be the end, but he wished for a welcome first.
He almost chuckled at how nervous he was of facing his friends, and at the lack of jitter for facing Ministry persecution.
Everything I've put them through, and now I'm just walking back in to announce my leave. God, what am I doing...
Slowly, painfully, he took several steps away and let his back press against the cool stone wall. It sent a chill through his spine, easing some of his nerves. Liquid knees gave out, and he slid to the floor, hugging his legs tight to his chest.
What am I doing... he repeated quietly, to no one, not even himself. It was a question that should not have an answer.
He received one anyway.
Just what you always do, Lupin. run away, be a hero, and come crawling back to break everyone's little heart.
His face was bruised, his eyes swollen with darkening flesh. He looked devilish with such bloodshot eyes and pale skin under the blemishes.
As always, his scowl was like that of a statue.
What happened?
Resisting the Dark has become a chore in your absence. Your presence gave the few of my House not involved a scapegoat, to mock and look up to all the same. They've fallen, and now I am a target once again. My loyalty is continually on trial. Snape said as if he were discussing the weather, so casually. He leaned against the same wall, some feet down, and held his left rubbed as he went on.
Why did you come back this time? All of us, those who know you're not with the Dark Army, had figured you alone or dead.
The Ministry knows I'm here by now. I came to make things right with myself before they come for me.
Snape uttered. You're a fool, Lupin, because now there is no one left. Play the hero, sure and fine, and leave us to watch you be dragged away to your death. That's all fine and God-damned dandy that you're making amends with your tragic self, but what about the rest of us?
Not this time, Severus. he replied.
Snape understood, and simply nodded.
The password is blueberry butterbean'. he said, and left without another word.
You really should say hello to them, dear. The whole lot of them have been worried sick. the Fat Lady whispered with a giggle. That fiery young lass keeps coming in with the Potter boy, in tears usually. I can't rightly deny her in, what with her House being the way it is... No, not at all. In fact, I think-
Blueberry butterbean. Remus interrupted as he pushed himself up.
With an indigenous sort of frown as if insulted, the portrait swung open, and Remus let out a final breath of air.
They turned around as the portrait creaked shut. Stunned faces, a small gasp, and an utter lack of movement.
Their eyes told him everything, and Remus let himself cry with a smile.
Nothing was said as they rushed to an embrace. No words were passed, only warm touch, thankful looks and the scent of home.
Remus smiled again, and pulled his friends closer, simply glad to be where he belonged.
A/N- So there you have it. After a very tiring wait, I finally got my sorry ass around to some quiet writing time. Family situation's changed a bit, so even being out for the summer isn't helping my writing along. We'll just hope the next, and possibly last (though the thought frightens me) chapter, comes along quickly.
Cheers, my friends.
Iggie