Amor Fictus
Written by Sakki-san
Anything you haven't heard of belongs to me.
Anything you HAVE, doesn't.
Ken raced through the halls, gripping his books, avoiding friends and girls and basically everybody. He wanted to get to his next classroom, and fast. Why?
He wanted to think.
PE remained fresh in his mind. Not the running or the teamwork, but the encounter with…who was it again?…oh, right. Ran. That encounter…
He stumbled into the room when there were only a few kids in there. The teacher blinked at Ken. Usually Ken raced in a few seconds before the bell rang, not this early. Ken avoided meeting anyone's eyes and collapsed into his chair.
Ran.
Just one word. The name of a man with violet eyes. Ken went over the situation again, thinking each second over. He hadn't even heard that guy - Ran! His name is Ran! - coming up behind him. But suddenly there had been a pale hand on his, and the next thing he knew, he had been trapped under the older boy…
Ken blushed red. Damn!
Every time he thought of that encounter he felt the blood rush to his face. They had been so close that their noses had almost been touching. So close that Ken could feel the other boy's breath on his face, just about feel his heart racing…
Ken squirmed as a deeper blush appeared on his face. If anybody saw this, what was he going to say? That a girl had finally caught his eye? Or the real reason?
Well, English class was a great place to ponder.
He sat and sighed, drawing circles on an unaltered page of his English notebook. What to think, what to think. He'd never thought of himself as gay before; certainly he was attracted to girls, but boys? It never even crossed his mind!
What to do, what to do.
The bell rang, and the last of the kids filed in. Ken glanced up while he swirled his pencil around to check up on the late arrivals, which were usually him.
His pencil fell from his hand, rolled off the desk, and clattered to the floor. His breathing came to a complete stop, and he just about choked.
Ran had just walked into the classroom.
Ken blinked once. Then twice. This…had to be an apparition. Ken had never seen Ran in this classroom before. Ran was a junior. This was a sophomore class. Juniors didn't join a group of younger kids for a class. This just wasn't physically possible!
You've never really paid attention to the other students because you're always late, though. Isn't that right?
Ken shook away the voice in his head. There was too much truth in those words. Ran was sitting near one corner of the room, hidden by a few other kids. Of course Ken wouldn't have seen him. Especially if he was out of breath, carrying a huge amount of books, and trying to find his seat.
As Ran passed between other seats, Ken glanced at him.
God, he moves…he moves…like…a wildcat.
A sleek, agile panther, maybe? A creature that stalked silently though the night, searching out prey and not just going for the sick or weak. Or perhaps a tiger? Ferocious and demonic, blending in with the surroundings so well that it could strike without ever being seen.
Either way, Ran still walked gracefully, like the world was his toy and it was following him around like a cape or a dog. Ken watched Ran take his seat out of the corner of his eye.
When Ran sat down, he glanced in Ken's direction, and the boy immediately looked back down to his papers. A crimson line spread across his cheeks. Ken slapped a hand to his face and felt the heat.
Damn!
He focused intensely on the blank sheet in front of him. He couldn't let Ran see him, not now, not after he'd been straight out looking at the older man and then blushing. As much as Ken knew how popular he was and that every girl and some guys in the school would fling themselves at his feet if he gave them the chance, he felt that if he let Ran see how he felt, the man would treat him like he was lower than the tiniest speck of dirt. It was evident in those icy purple eyes.
Icy but gorgeous.
Ken went a darker shade and shook his head. The teacher had begun speaking.
"…and then we'll grade it. All right, now for the schedule." The man picked up a stack of papers off his desk and stood up. "You will be working on projects in groups of two. These projects are 250 points, so don't loose them or slack off."
Kids started glancing at each other from other sides of the room, determining partners. Ken sighed a little. Well, at least he wouldn't have a hard time finding a partner, what with all the looks in his directions…
"I have picked your partners for you."
Squeals of indignation and yells of anger erupted from the classroom.
"What? But that's not fair!"
"It's perfectly fair," the teacher said with a frown. "These were generated by other students. I gave them the names and they paired people up. Just relax and take what you've got."
Kids grumbled, groaned, shot dirty looks at the teacher, who was done passing out the sheets of paper that introduced you to the project.
"Ok, listen up." Names were rattled off. One name, then 'you're with' and another name. Ken listened intently for his name.
Maybe I'll get hooked up with that girl everyone says hates me. That's my kind of luck, isn't it?
Ken crumpled part of his paper in his hands, but continued to listen.
"Hidaka, you're with Fujimiya."
Girls 'awwwwed' and guys cursed. Everyone wanted to be with Ken because he was a star student. Ken had never failed a class and all the teachers really liked him. Kids came to him for help and studied with him. Ken had the feeling they paid more attention to him than the work, though.
But…who was Fujimiya?
Ken looked around the room with his eyes, trying to figure out who his partner was. His eyes passed over sophomores and juniors alike before meeting with a pair of eyes that were locked on him.
Ran's.
He just about fell out of his chair. He…he…
He was with Fujimiya Ran?!
Ken broke contact with that violet gaze and stared at the introduction, which the teacher had just gotten into.
Oh God. Oh my God. I'm his partner. Oh, man…
Ken felt like crawling under his desk to die. By this time, Ran had to know that Ken blushed every time he looked at the redhead. He had to suspect that something was going on in the boy's head.
After only one meeting.
The teacher talked through the entire introduction, explaining the writing project and that he would be going around giving away topics. You drew one from the hat, and that was it. Most kids groaned. Oh boy, this would be fun.
"Ok, go get together with your partners. Pull two desks together. After you get your topic, just start with a few ideas. Brainstorming is always the first step."
Ken gathered up his things and glanced over at Ran. The man's eyes weren't on him anymore, but on his pencil, which was moving rapidly across a blank page. Ken sighed a little and walked in that direction. He hadn't really expected Ran to come over to where he was.
He dragged a desk next to Ran's and slid in.
"Hey," he managed weakly.
"Hn," was all he got in reply.
Ken twisted his pencil nervously in his hands. God, this was…what was happening? Ken never felt this way about anybody. Well…there was that one exception…but that had long faded. Why was it coming back now? Was it because they had been that close, just about nose to nose, and if Ran had leaned in a little further, then they might have –
Ken restrained himself from slamming his hand over his eyes. Oh, God!! He was fantasizing about someone he hardly knew!
His exertion did not go unnoticed by Ran, who spared him a furtive glance. Ken just put down his pencil and covered his eyes, rubbing his temples. Damn, damn, damn…
Ken was so preoccupied that he didn't even notice when the teacher came by and Ran drew a slip of paper to determine their topic. He only realized this when Ran tapped him on the shoulder and showed him the paper.
Write a story, true or made up, about an act of kindness that helped someone in a great or small manner.
Ken almost snorted until he saw Ran's face, which was cold and impassive, as always. Only that it was fixed on him. Ken tried not to blush as he sat back and picked up his pencil again.
"W-well…I guess…we have to brainstorm now."
Ran drew a circle on a sheet of notebook paper and wrote 'kindness' on the inside. Ken took this as an invitation to start rattling off ideas.
"Kindness…a good act? Righteousness? Justice? Law?"
Ran glared at him.
"Erm…well…they were just suggestions…" He couldn't help but feel uncomfortable around Ran. The man was making him feel like a rock on the floor of a science room: there for no reason other than to be investigated and kicked around.
When Ran's glare didn't diminish, Ken glared back, feeling a new blush spread across his face.
"Well, I don't see you writing anything down!" he snapped, angry. To his surprise Ran blinked, the glare fading slightly to a look of surprise. Then he turned back to the paper and scribbled something down. Ken peered over to see it.
Love.
Ken blinked. That was…blunt. He hadn't expected something like that to be written down by someone as chilling as Ran. Love? What did Ran know about love?
What do you know about Ran?
Ken bit his lower lip. He knew nothing about Ran, and therefore he couldn't make any assumptions whatsoever on the man's life. Still, love just didn't seem right around a guy with such a dark seeming personality. He never spoke. Or, if he did, it was very infrequently. How many people like that knew love?
Ran tapped his pencil impatiently on the paper, giving Ken an expectant look. Ken blinked and turned his face away. He knew he was blushing again. Damn it all to hell!
"I-I don't…I don't know." He refused to make eye contact with Ran. He was starting to think that if he did, something worse than a blush would occur.
Ran snorted and scribbled something else down. When Ken tried to look over and see it, Ran covered the paper with his free hand. Ken blinked, then snarled and looked Ran in the face.
"Dammit, Ran! If you're going to cover everything you're writing, then how am I supposed to work on the project? It's called a 'group project' for a reason!" He paused for a breath. "If you don't show me what ideas you have, then I can't be part of the project. You'll have to do it all yourself!"
Ran stared at Ken, a disbelieving look on his face. His eyes were narrow, looking ready to kill. Ken, however, was not disturbed.
"I just want to see what you think about kindness. Is that such a huge problem for you? If there's something wrong with me seeing it, then you should write it on your own time!" Ken glared fiercely into Ran's dramatic purple eyes and waited for an answer.
Ran glared back…and then Ken saw a tiny smile begin to creep onto his face.
"What? What's so funny?" Ken snapped as he saw the smirk.
"You're being stupid."
Ken blinked. He was being stupid?
"…Well, who's the one who won't let me read what he's writing?"
"I wasn't done writing."
"Oh."
Ken blushed a little. So it was supposed to be a surprise or something. Well…he had been stupid. Kind of.
Ran's minuscule smirk faded from his face as he continued writing, then showed the paper to Ken.
Written in a circle attached to the center were the words:
Someone who is not afraid to love others
Ken mused silently over the words. Kindness…kindness is love. He scratched his mouth unconsciously and hit the bruise on the side of it. Instinctively he winced, and despite his attempts to hide it from Ran, the older boy looked right at him.
"What is it?"
"N-Nothing. I'm fine. It's just a bruise." Ken kept his hand over the edge of his mouth.
"Did I cause it?"
"Huh?"
"When I landed on you."
"Oh…" Ken blushed, remembering the occasion. "…I don't think so."
Ran looked back at the paper and started adding tiny, soulful pieces of information Ken had never heard of before. Love had not been very prominent in his life; he didn't know much about it, so he was silent as Ran wrote down these beautiful little comments. He didn't notice that he was leaning closer and closer as Ran wrote further and further out onto the paper.
Suddenly, he found his head making contact with Ran's shoulder, and both boys froze. Ken jerked away and flattened himself as far away from the older man as he could. Ran was staring at the paper, his pencil motionless.
"I-I'm sorry! I didn't mean to….I mean…I didn't try to…I just…I wanted…I had to…"
"It's ok." Ran regained his composure first and started to write again. Ken tried not to glance at Ran, but he found his eyes darting at the man for just a moment. He almost did a double take.
Was that a tinge of red in the older man's face?!
~~~
Ken walked slowly along the sidewalks outside the school. He kicked the swirling brown leaves around with his feet, completely silent as he pondered over the day's events.
Ran.
The name of a man with violet eyes…
A tiny sigh escaped his chapped lips as he turned his face to look up at the sky. It was a beautiful, clear, endless blue sea, dotted with puffy white clouds and the occasional leaf. Sunbeams sprayed across the sky like angels descending from heaven.
Ken smiled slightly and squinted. If he looked hard enough, he could see those gorgeous eyes plastered against the sky, with wavy scarlet locks blowing gently across them.
A sudden thought struck Ken, and he opened his eyes wide.
Did he have his first crush?
But…he couldn't have a crush. No. It was impossible. He'd never…never loved.
He denied it, but that little voice at the back of his head nagged at him. The facts added up. Every time he looked at Ran, he caught himself blushing. Every time he looked at something pretty or sparkling, he found himself thinking of Ran's perfect amethyst eyes. Just the mention of the man's name took Ken's breath away.
"I can't love," he murmured to himself softly, still gazing up at the sky.
"Ken-kun!"
Ken blinked and looked ahead.
"Ken-kun! Ken-kun!" Someone ran up behind Ken and was suddenly walking at his side, books clutched tightly to his chest. Ken looked over and saw Omi, the boy he'd crashed into early this morning.
"O-Omi?" he said, completely surprised. The boy smiled happily in return.
"That's me! Don't tell me you already forgot who I am!"
"No, I didn't."
"That's good! Anyway, I saw you walking, and I go this direction to get home, too. So I thought I'd catch up with you. What were you looking at?"
"What was I…?"
"When you were staring up at the sky." Omi shook his head slightly in the direction of the heavens.
"Oh…I was just looking at the sky." Ken looked over the rooftops of the buildings so far away and smiled slightly at the clouds, which seemed to hold the very essence of Ran's incredible speed.
"Really?" Omi said skeptically. "You seem a little more dazed than to just be looking at the sky." Ken found two crystalline cerulean eyes staring right into his.
"Eh…uh…"
"I think," Omi said, peering deep into Ken's eyes, "that you have something – or someone – on your mind."
"N-nani?!" Ken replied hastily. Omi smiled and turned back forward, walking with his books now clasped behind his back.
"You're very preoccupied, I believe," Omi began. "You have something you either like or hate that won't leave your mind, but you're fighting with yourself about it." Omi opened one eye and peeked at Ken. "Am I right?"
Ken stared. Was this boy a mind-reader?! That was exactly what was wrong with him right now. He had Aya, someone he liked – No! He couldn't! – on his mind, and the image of a dazzling smile on the man's face refused to leave. As for the fighting part…
"…you're either psychic or a very observant little spy," Ken said, looking straight ahead.
"I'm just observant." Omi waved one hand carelessly. "I like to understand people. It gets me more friends that way. And enemies," he added as an afterthought.
Ken smiled modestly. "I can understand how that would happen."
"Really?" Omi said unbelievingly. "You're one of the most popular kids in school. You have every girl and boy in the school throwing themselves at you and all the kids would be supremely honored to be your friend. Tell me, how would you know what having no friends is like?"
"When was younger," Ken said bitterly, "I had no friends whatsoever."
"Eh?" Omi blinked.
"When I was a freshman, I had no friends until I joined the soccer team." Ken pushed away the screeching terror that aided those memories.
"Oh," Omi said quietly.
They walked for some time without saying anything, Omi looking one way and Ken looking another. Emotions hovered in the air, eventually causing Ken to look up again. Brilliant azure and sparkling lavender, lined by a wave of crimson beauty…
"Omi?" called a voice some distance away. Omi blinked and turned his head to look ahead. A smile suddenly plastered itself on his face, and he waved one arm in the air.
"Nagi-kun! Nagi-kun!" Ken looked to see who Omi was calling to.
A boy with dark hair and eyes almost as large as Omi's was standing down at the far end of the sidewalk, near an intersection. He had on a dark blue school uniform. Ken raised an eyebrow; wasn't that the uniform for the iffy private school nearby…?
They approached Omi's friend and Omi instantly locked him in a hug.
"Nagi-kun! How are you?" Nagi smiled and held Omi out at arm's length.
"I'm fine. Are you all right? Who's your new friend?" The boy's voice was so quiet that Ken could hardly hear any emotion in it at all. Still, it was more friendly than Ran's tone.
"Nagi, this is Ken-kun. He's the goalie for the soccer team." Omi looked at Ken. "And this is Naoe Nagi."
Ken smiled and held out a hand, which Nagi took.
"Nice to meet you," Nagi said softly.
"You too," Ken replied. "Are you two brothers or just friends?"
"Brothers by adoption," Nagi said quickly before Omi could get a word in.
"Oh. So, you live together?"
"Mhm," Omi nodded. "Our house is way out on the edge of town."
"Don't you take a bus or something then?"
"Nah. We like to walk! We get rides to and from school if the weather is bad." Omi and Nagi both smiled with equal warmth despite the difference in size.
Ken smiled back, but inside he felt like he wanted to run away. Screaming? Maybe. He just wanted to get away from these two. He liked them both enough; in fact, they were pretty cool and he'd love to be friends with them. But they were both just so…so…happy. Happy about life. Far too optimistic for Ken to handle every day.
"Well, we should probably be getting home," Nagi said, disrupting Ken's thoughts.
"Yeah. Bye-bye, Ken-kun! See you tomorrow!"
Ken raised a hand in the air to wave them goodbye as the two of them walked off in the opposite direction of Ken's home. He watched them go and felt a sudden sense of longing, an urge to chase after them.
No. You must go home. After all, you have homework to do, don't you?
Ken sighed and headed across the street so he could finally find his way home.
Sometimes, he prolonged these walks, just to get home later. So he could spend more time outside, like he was not allowed at home. These nice, long walks home brought peace to Ken's inner turmoil. When he walked, he could think.
So he thought.
Schuldig. The first name to come to his mind. A man with flaming hair and a violent touch. Students who crossed him were often asked to stay after, and they would flee the room in moments with a bruise or a red mark on their face. Nobody paid attention to this.
Why?
Schuldig could get away with anything short of murder because he was the principal's son. Everyone knew the principal loved his son dearly and thought the boy would never do anything wrong. And from the way Schuldig usually acted, so did everyone else.
Ken pulled his textbooks closer, trying to fend off the chill from both inside and the wind.
Why? Why him? Why did Schuldig decide to assault him? It was like being tackled from behind. You don't expect it, so it shocks you into complete silence and submission. That's what had happened to him.
That first time…the first…
Ken clung to his books as if they were an anchor to falling into the black abyss of his own mind. No…he couldn't…couldn't remember that time. It was too painful to remember. If he remembered it, he might hurt himself. He might go insane and run into the street.
Although…would that be so bad?
NO! Ken shook his head. He couldn't die. He had a life to live! When he was 18 he could run wild and free from that school, play soccer, and get famous. Nobody would control him. Nobody! He'd be his own man, with his own life, and his own love!
Love?
Violet eyes.
But…I can't have a crush. No, it's impossible.
Or is it?
Ken smiled dreamily as he envisioned Ran's hands running carelessly through his hair, and those perfectly formed lips moving forward to touch his…
Just a crush.