Amor Fictus
Written by Sakki-san
Anything you haven't heard of belongs to me.
Anything you HAVE heard of, doesn't.
Floor 3, Room 303, Dr. Suzuhara
Appt. Time: 1:00 P.M.
Ran glared at the card as he stood in front of a large oak door reading 303 in gold numbers near the top. Yohji had driven him down here and dropped him off at the front. Ran had proceeded to go inside, take the elevator upstairs, and walk down stuffy, yellow-lit hallways until he reached this door.
Hesitantly, he placed his hand on the knob, turned, and opened.
The room inside looked just like the hallways, except this one had chairs, magazines, and a reception desk. A single woman sat behind the desk. She had a pink shirt on and auburn hair swept up into a bun. She smiled at Ran when he approached the desk.
"Good afternoon."
"I'm here for an appointment."
"Do you have a card?"
Ran handed the woman the card with his name and date on it. She looked it over, then smiled and nodded.
"Please sit down. The doctor will see you shortly."
That makes it sound like I'm sick and he's going to give me a shot or something…, Ran thought darkly as he sat down in a rickety chair and picked through the magazines. Some were five years old; some were two; one was thirty. He groaned internally and looked through the most recent one he could find.
He'd expected a long, boring wait, but before he could even start reading a semi-interesting article, the door next to the reception desk opened and a cheery young woman came out.
"Fujimiya, Ran?"
"Hn."
"The professor is ready to see you now." She waiting patiently for Ran to come in.
Professor?
He stood up and followed her through the door. It led into one or two small hallways, all looking the same, all carpeted with the same dry stuff, all lit with the same yellow lights. The woman stopped at the end of the main hallway, where there was a new door.
"Please go through. Dr. Suzuhara will be happy to see you." She gave him another smile and was suddenly gone.
Ran blinked before turning to the door. His fingers touched the silvery material, slightly confused as to how this seemed so much cooler feeling than all the other door handles.
I have to go through…I can't leave now. I'm in too deep.
Slowly, carefully, he turned the knob and pushed open the door.
Inside the room was a total shock. It was far bigger than the reception room. The walls looked like they were made of fine wood, not plaster, and they had framed pictures hanging here and there. One wall was made up entirely of windows. It was a nice change from the gauzy yellow lights, to see that huge, endless blue sky with nothing to interrupt it except a cloud or two. A few living plants – actually still alive – stood in corners or next to the fancy wooden desk that had diplomas and certificates hanging over it. Even the carpet had changed and was nicer.
Ran shut the door behind him and glanced around nervously. He didn't know if this was even the right place. It had to be; there was no other room, no other doors.
"So you're Ran?"
Ran just about jumped out of his skin when he heard the voice coming from the desk. He looked at the man sitting behind it: a tall man with dark brown hair combed back, a neatly trimmed beard, and a pair of wire-rimmed glasses. His outfit was a casual suit and tie. He was smiling, too; Ran took this as a good sign.
"…yes."
"Then please, have a seat on the couch." The man signaled to a couch across the room from his desk. It looked like one of those usual psychiatric couches. But it did look comfortable. So he sat down and crossed his arms, refusing to look relaxed.
"…"
"I hear that the reason you were brought here was because something happened to you earlier in the week." The man stood up and walked over to the couch, sat down in a chair next to it, and watched Ran calmly. "My friend who works down at the hospital said that you were believed to be hearing voices?"
"I'm not crazy."
"Hearing voices doesn't mean you're insane," Suzuhara said with a raised eyebrow. "I have plenty of patients who hear voices but are perfectly normal people. It's just an assumption of the populace that having voices in your head makes you insane."
"…" Ran refused to make eye contact with the doctor.
"Anyway, Ran, I want you to lie back on the couch." Ran glared but complied, feeling stupid. "From what I was told, you don't like speaking to people about your history. This may be the cause of your problems…"
"What, because I hate to talk?" Ran said a little too threateningly.
"No, your history. You don't tell anybody about it and keep it to yourself. It festers and boils deep inside your mind until it erupts and takes you down with it."
Ran clenched his hand around his wounded arm. Pain blazed through the cut, but he refused to cry out or even show his pain. Still, a single drop of sweat crawled down his face.
"To get to the roots of this problem, I need you to tell me what happened to you." The man looked Ran straight in the eyes. "You have to tell me why your family is no longer living."
The readhead jerked in pain; the professor knew he had struck home, even with such a kind-sounding statement. He watched as Ran's eyes shut tight and his hands tightened around his arms.
"…I…I don't…"
"Want to? Well, you certainly don't have to. This may not be a voluntary thing, coming here, but I'm not going to force you to say anything."
"…" Ran gave him a dark look through narrow eyes. "…really…"
"Honestly," the man responded.
For some time there was silence. Finally, Ran let his head drop to the side, facing Suzuhara, but his eyes were closed.
"…I hate talking about it because I still blame myself…but…this all stays here, right?"
"Every bit. Nobody will ever know you came."
"…do you write it down or what?"
"I write down things I find important or interesting about what you tell me," said the doctor, tapping a pen against a pad of paper, "and then I type it up on the computer in my log."
"Can anybody access those?"
"I keep them saved in a password protected folder, and even to get into my computer, you have to know my screen name and code word."
"…I suppose that's standard issue protection."
"I don't want anybody getting into my patient's files." The doctor looked expectantly at Ran. "Now. Are you going to tell me about your life, or shall we start with the present?"
"…what?"
"You don't have to tell me about your life right now, but you would be putting it off. I expect you to tell me one day. Instead of your history, you could tell me about more recent troubles that might have added to your current condition."
Ran pondered, his blood starting to calm down from boiling before. So he had a choice. Tell about now, hm? There couldn't be any harm in telling this man how much he hated his calculus teacher.
"All right."
"Good." The pen clicked once, and the doctor set the tip on the paper. "Tell me about your current troubles. Ones that are dominant in your life."
"My math teacher. More specifically, calculus." Ran's eyes narrowed as he glared at the wall. "Crawford."
"Crawford?" said Suzuhara unexpectedly. "You mean, Bradley Crawford?"
"…yeah, why?" Aya glanced suspiciously at the man, who was laughing quietly.
"I know him. He was one of my top students in a psychiatry class I taught some years ago, back when he was in college." The man smiled.
Crawford took psychiatry? I thought he taught math…
"He majored in mathematics, though…I think he wasn't happy with the way I taught."
"Oh," Ran muttered offhandedly, looking back at the wall. Then, louder: "He's a prick."
At this the doctor laughed out loud. Ran didn't laugh or look at him, instead wondering why the doctor was amused.
"That's true," he suddenly pointed out, still grinning at Ran. "He had a backbone stiffer than steel. He never broke any rules and always pointed out the mistakes of others that I had missed. His theories were rather boring, though, and always came to one certain, direct point…which is not what psychiatry is all about."
"So what is it about?"
"That's not important. Keep telling me why you hate him so much. Although it's not impossible to see why, I think there's something more behind your hatred…?"
"True," Ran said. "Last quarter, he handed out a project for extra credit. Everyone got it wrong."
"Even you?"
"No, not me. But he did."
The doctor looked unbelievingly at Ran.
"Explain this further."
Ran sighed internally.
"He had misread the problem."
"It was a word problem?"
"One of the few. I got an entirely different answer through a different method. When he found out I was right…" Ran trailed off, leaving the doctor to figure it out for himself.
"He got enraged," mused Suzuhara. "He must have threatened to kill you or something."
"It was implied."
"I remember when I handed back his term paper with a lower score than his usual perfect. He was resolute in saying that he was right and I was wrong, and went over every detail again. I pointed out that he was being childish by insisting this, and pointed out his single mistake." The man grinned into space. "Oh, I got hell for that…"
Ran couldn't help but glance over. "Did he try to kill you?"
"No, but when some other student made fun of him for being wrong, he threatened furiously. I think that's why he didn't really have many friends. Well, maybe it was because he thought he was superior."
Probably the latter, Ran thought.
"Anyway. Keep telling me about what happened; I'm dragging you off track."
"Hn…he kept me after class that day to find out what I had done. His expression was priceless when he found his mistake, but it started getting scary when he found out how I'd gotten my answer…" Ran shivered unconsciously at the memory.
"What did he do?"
Ran glared and growled low in his throat. This was his way of warning people that they were going too deep; if they didn't get the hint, he told them outright. If they kept going, then he got violent.
"Ah…ok, ok. So, has anything else been happening to you?"
"…PE has been a little difficult…"
"How so?"
"…I…got in a fight with one boy after I beat two of his track records…" Ran touched the place where Ikari had punched him in the face.
"Was that the only reason he got mad at you? What pressured you into the fight?"
"He knew too much." Ran gave the doctor a glare, daring him to ask what Ikari knew too much of.
"I see." Suzuhara wrote something down on the paper. "Was that all?" Ran nodded. "Ok. Anything else?"
The last thing that came to mind was Ken. Ran glowered at the wall, remembering the sudden urges he'd had after he'd landed on the younger boy. Right now those urges seemed stupid and unpredictable, and he was glad he hadn't done anything. Then other thoughts came up: the partnership in English, Ken yelling at him, the touch that brought back too many memories…
"Ran?"
"…I was thinking."
"Oh. All right. Tell me when you decided something."
"…"
Ran was reluctant to tell Yohji, his most trusted counterpart, about his love life. Like hell he was going to tell a complete stranger he'd just met about it. Ken would have to stay stuffed firmly back in his mind.
It didn't mean he couldn't be vague, though…
"There's someone who has…caught my attention." Ran gave the doctor a superior look. "…I'm not usually interested in anybody, and they're…plaguing me."
"A crush, hm?" the doctor asked, interested.
"I'm not a child anymore. I don't get crushes," Ran responded defensively.
"Ok, ok, it's a mild attraction. So they're bothering you? You don't want to like them, but they keep on appearing in your thoughts?"
Ran nodded. That had been grazing the edge of Ran's mental barriers. If the man went any further, Ran would have to push him away again.
"All right. This must be irritating you. Tell me what kinds of things they remind you of."
Ran glowered, but didn't growl.
"…when…I do my work. Or go outside."
"Did something happen with this person during a class?"
"…sort of."
"Such as?" Suzuhara glanced at Ran. "Are you partners with them on a project? Have they been sending you notes?"
"The former."
"Ok…" Again he wrote something on the paper. Ran craned his neck a little to see what was being written, but the paper was tilted too much. Grumbling and cursing Yohji internally, Ran settled back down. He'd hardly just gotten here and was already wishing he could leave.
"…"
"Tell me more about something that happened. An encounter in the halls. A meeting anywhere. What happened?"
"…why does it matter so much?"
"Sometimes, meetings can affect how you feel for someone. If they steal something from you, you might hate them openly but like them on the inside."
Ran almost rolled his eyes. He'd heard these things before. Who did this guy think he was? Some kind of famous doctor? He wasn't saying Ran hadn't heard before. And this stuff he'd heard from other kids.
"I've seen him at lunch and in the halls."
"…is that it?"
"Yes," Ran said a little too fast. The doctor raised an eyebrow and wrote something more down. A tiny, almost silent curse escaped Ran's mouth.
"Well, I think you've reached your limits for today." Suzuhara looked at Ran, pen and paper still. "Judging from the way you just swore, you're angry with yourself, and probably with me. You can go home now."
Ran blinked.
"But…I just got here."
"Do you want to talk some more?"
"…not really, no."
"Ok then. You're free to go. Schedule another appointment with the receptionist. If you need to use the phone, feel free to do so."
The doctor smiled as Ran stood up and walked warily to the door. He walked out into the reception area and let his body make plans for another session while his mind wandered elsewhere. He had to come back and talk again. So it would be for some time until he finally spilled the story of his family's murder, his deepest fears, his feelings for Ken (although he had few, he reminded himself), and the voices he heard.
As his hand touched the phone to call Yohji, something inside him stirred.
You won't talk. You're too scared to talk.
He jerked.
Hah! You're even afraid of yourself.
Ran picked up the phone, desperately trying to ignore that mocking voice in his head. Shaking fingers dialed the number.
Ringing. Ringing.
"House of pizza, may I take your order?"
"Yohji?"
"Ran?" The voice on the other end sounded surprised. "Hey, chibi. What's up? You done already?"
"Y-yeah…can you come get me?"
"Sure. I need to get you your own car someday…you ok?"
"Yes. Yes. I'm fine." Ran scowled. Why was he acting like something was wrong? Nothing was wrong. He was fine. He was fine.
Sure you are, you stupid bastard.
"Whatever…I'm close by, so just go to the place where I dropped you off."
Click.
Ran put the phone back on the receiver and slowly walked out of the office. As soon as the door was closed, he leaned against it, clenched fists against his head.
"Ignore it," he whispered to himself. "Just ignore it."
You can't ignore yourself. Doing that would kill you. Remember? You tried to ignore your pain, and look where it ended up.
"No!" he mumbled, stepping away from the door and staggering down the hall. "I…I didn't…I won't ignore…myself…you…just…shut…go away!..."
Now why would I do that? You need to be reminded daily of what an ass you are. Not only do you display it every second you're alive, you don't realize it, and here you are!
Ran growled and crashed into the closed metal doors of the elevator. He kept one fist against his head while pressing the elevator buttons, trying to shut out the voice and be strong.
Hah! You can't shut me out. I am you. If you shut yourself out you'd go unconscious! See how stupid you are...
The voice prattled on, and Ran ignored it. Or tried to, anyway. Occasional comments stole through and stung him viciously. Still, he tried to ignore these; if he let them get to him, he'd be weak. Weak like he was before.
Back when you had daddy to take care of all
your problems, hm?
"If you wouldn't mind
staying quiet for a little while," he snarled, "I need to get home to solitude.
Then you can berate me all you want."
Tch. Typical attitude. You expect me to listen to you?
Ran didn't answer. He used the wall as a support to get out of the building, away from the reflective white walls and ugly yellow lights, from the stale air and false happiness.
Finally he staggered into the sunshine and fresh air. He took a deep breath, savoring the freedom he'd ignored for so long, and suddenly things didn't seem so bad. The sun was bright, the sky was blue, the leaves on the trees were green… Even the air seemed fresher than usual. The voice in his head had vanished to a droning sound, something he could easily ignore. Like a teacher.
A tiny smirk tugged at his lips, but he kept it down. Yohji's car pulled into the parking lot.
"Oi, chibi. You look better. Did it help you?"
"What are you talking about?" Ran snapped irritably. "Stop calling me chibi."
"Whatever, chibi. I'm talking about the session." Yohji raised an eyebrow. "You didn't skip, did you?"
"No."
"Good! Hop on in, then, I'll get you some lunch."
"I had lunch an hour ago," Ran muttered as he slid into the passenger seat next to Yohji.
"More lunch!" He had barely buckled the seat belt when Yohji took off at speeds unheard of in parking lots.
"Hn…"
Yohji seemed happy, and Ran wasn't too discontented. Sure, his memories were hanging on the back of his mind like icicles (slowly dripping into your face if you don't move), but who had time to think about that now? The world seemed beautiful. There was no time for fighting.
"Fast food or restraunt?"
"Huh?"
"Which do you want to go to?" Yohji glanced at Ran.
"Um…you pick."
"Hai. You seem preoccupied."
"…just thinking."
Yohji nodded wisely and pulled into a fast food place. Both boys got out and headed inside. Ran got a table for two next to the window while Yohji went up to order.
The redhead slumped in his head and glanced over at Yohji, who was leaning across the counter, talking to a blushing girl at the cash register.
The usual methods of free food, no doubt. I wonder just how many of the girls he's slept with work here.
The girl blushed an even darker shade of red at something Yohji murmured into her ear.
Promises never last…
As if by magic, the girl brought enough food for a feast and Yohji paid… 'discount' price for it. He smiled and said something more to the blushing waitress before strolling casually over to the table.
"Must you always be so…" Ran wrinkled his nose as he sought out the right word. "…straightforward?"
"What's wrong with that? I have free food and a date for Friday with her." The man winked and leaned on one elbow. "If you tried a little harder, you'd have a – "
"Hoard of women after me. You said that two days ago."
Yohji was silent for a moment, then smiled lazily, as if he was the Cheshire cat. Ran stopped reaching for the nearby fries. That smile always meant something bad was about to happen.
"Yeah…and I also asked if it was men that caught your attention."
Ran didn't feel himself blush but was sure he did.
"N-nani?! No! I'm not interested in anybody!" He got up and stalked over to the counter where they kept the ketchup and such. Yohji's snickering followed him the whole way.
"Your redness says otherwise," the blonde commented when Ran sat down. Ran growled and glowered, smashing a fry into the ketchup.
"Shut up."
"Fine, be touchy." Yohji took a drink from the giant sized cup he had in his hand. "So how was the session?"
"Hn." Ran swallowed and reached for another stringy, grease-soaked fry. "It was…damnit, Yohji. Why did you sign me up?"
"You need it, chibi. There's no way in hell I am going to let you hurt yourself like that again." A jade green glare flew across the table and locked with Ran's eyes. "You are going to those sessions and finding out what is wrong with your head. Got it?"
Ran tried to match glares with Yohji, but the man was giving him the same look he'd given him five months ago, when the lanky blonde had pinned him to the floor and shattered both of Ran's arms.
"…damnit…" He averted his own violet gaze to the fries on the table.
"Look, Ran. If he calls and says you didn't show up…geeze, kid. I don't want you to get hurt again."
Ran didn't say anything else. The voice was quiet now, but who knew when it would come back? The usual protective wall around his memories was back up and alert. So maybe the voice was a piece of his memories…?
"Ran."
"Hn."
"You are going to school tomorrow, right?"
Ran shot Yohji a look. The man glanced at the bandages on Ran's arm and chest, both slightly visible via sleeve and collar. Ran narrowed his eyes.
"Let them talk."
"Whatever you say."
Ran thought of the words Crawford had written on the back of his calculus homework and gave Yohji an even darker glare.
"…what? What did I do?"
"Did you tell the school why I was gone?"
"Well…I said you were in the hospital…and…they asked why. I said you cut yourse…" Yohji trailed off as Ran slowly leaned across the table.
"Why did you say that?"
"They needed a reason!" the blonde said nervously, trying to wave Ran away. "I was panicked! I just said you tried to hurt yourself, but you were alive!"
"Did you mention suicide?"
"No…"
"…are you done eating?"
"Hell no!" Yohji seemed to have suddenly forgotten all past conversation. He smiled and jammed an entire burger in his mouth. Ran leaned back, disgusted.
So how did he find out…?