Amor Fictus
Written by Sakki-san
Anything you haven't heard of belongs to me.
Anything you HAVE heard of, doesn't.
"He said yes. I can come."
"That's good." Ran paused to pull his calculus book out of his locker. "Meet me back here after school, then."
"Ok."
Ran watched as Ken departed. The boy almost ran into the crowd of students around him. He had been smiling…
The redhead slowly shut his locker and traced a finger along the spine of the textbook he held. Something funny stirred in his stomach every time he saw Ken, something…like butterflies. Like the ones he'd had in his stomach since breakfast after remembering that he'd promised to let Ken come over.
He hadn't told Yohji.
Not like it would matter. Yohji didn't mind guests and often asked Ran when he was going to get a girlfriend – or, more recently, a boyfriend.
"Bring them over!" he'd say repeatedly. "Bring SOMEbody over, and I'll evaluate them for you."
"Leave me alone."
The fights always went like that.
A warning bell rang, breaking in on Ran's inner monologue. He had two minutes to get to class or he was screwed. With Crawford, it was worse.
So he ran.
He made it to Crawford's class with only a minute to spare, but he wasn't the worst off; five kids made it in late that day. After all, it was Friday. People had things to talk about. Why should school have to get in the way of a social life? The injustice! Injustice!
Ran felt like laughing.
"Late, late, late." Crawford ticked off the people who had darted into the room after the bell. "Late…late. You five will be staying after. If you don't, detention."
What crawled up your ass today, Crawford?
"Get out last night's review. Today is the chapter test."
Ah, I see. Not looking forward to a weekend of correcting little children's calculus errors?
Everybody groaned and pulled out their sloppy pages of homework. Ran noticed a sneer flicker across Crawford's face. This would be enjoyable, to say the least…he was absolutely sure he'd gotten every problem correct on the review sheet.
Not that Crawford the gaijin would care.
Oh yes. This man was not Japanese. Everybody knew it. He didn't look Japanese, even if he spoke the language better than most of the kids around him. Gold eyes were uncommon…very uncommon.
Besides, he'd told them on the first day that he was American.
Ran handed forward his papers. He realized that he'd get them back with a perfect score, but with several marks as to how he'd done his problems 'incorrectly' drawn on his impeccable numbers.
"Hn…Since we're having a test today, there won't be any homework." Crawford straightened his tie and collected the reviews. "During the test, nobody talks. If you do, you fail."
There must be something else rattling up that steel rod in your back. I wonder what it is…
"The test is four pages long. You may use your calculators. Begin."
Ooh, four pages. Front and back or separated?
As usual, they were front to back. Crawford hated wasting paper. Ran looked his over, each page individually, checking for what kind of problems there were, what layout, what extra credit there was.
Ran didn't rush himself; he took his time, knowing that he had a full 80 minutes to do as he wished, and missing lunch was hardly a pressing matter. The other kids were hurrying and rushing and racing and trying to finish early so they could sleep and be fully rested for lunch so they could talk to their friends and talk and chatter and giggle and spread rumors and ruin lives without a care in the world.
Life is wonderful, ne?
He was halfway done with the third page when the bell for lunch rang. Several cries of despair were heard, and there was a vast amount of paper shuffling heard. Ran ignored it. Crawford did, too.
Kids scattered from the room, and after five minutes, left behind only one red-haired student and the teacher. For some time, Crawford thought the room was empty.
There was a sudden sound of paper being turned; his deadly golden gaze shot from the papers he was grading to the source of the sound. Ran was still in his desk, still working on the test as if he didn't have any reason to rush. His pencil was moving slowly from problem to problem, his eyes locked on the paper, his head balanced delicately on the tips of his right fingers. The crimson bangs and eartails hung limply in his face, making the impression that he was totally uncaring of his appeal.
They made him look strangely attractive…
Crawford narrowed his eyes. A few of his own bangs, long and delicate and oddly shaped as spider's legs, fell across his vision. He didn't bother to brush them away. They made him look more threatening.
Ran finished his test ten minutes later. The boy stood up and brought his test to the front of the room – to Crawford's desk. He put it down, long fingers gently setting it on the amassed pile of other student's tests, and was about to go back when Crawford spoke.
"You certainly took a long time."
Why did you take so long?
A question in the form of a statement.
"I don't like rushing. I make mistakes."
So I wouldn't have to go near you.
"Very intelligent of you." Crawford reached out and took Ran's test. "Would you like me to grade this now?" He cast one look at Ran.
Ran nodded.
So began the process of the midterm exam grading. The answer sheet lay nearby, forgotten. Crawford was correcting purely out of his mind. He held a red pen in his right hand and the test in his left, looking over the answers with a blank, impassive gaze.
The first page – no marks. The second page – no marks. The third page – the pen came within millimeters, but pulled back at the last second. The fourth page…
"Very well done," commented Crawford, putting down the pen and handing Ran his test. "Nobody's ever gotten a perfect test before."
At the top of Ran's paper was the score: ten points over the top because he'd gotten even the extra credit right.
"Have I bested the best?"
Did I beat you at your own game?
"You must have studied very hard."
You could never come close.
"I was up most of the night."
I'll keep going until I do.
"It must have been a strain."
I'd like to see you try.
Ran glared at his teacher. The idle pleasantries between them masked words that could never be said out loud. If anyone heard them, they could be reported, and with a report could come expulsion.
And Ran didn't have Crawford's uncanny ability to escape tight spots.
The sunlight flashed through the room's single window and reflected off the teacher's glasses, giving the impression that he didn't have eyes. Only for a moment, but enough of a moment to blind Ran and make him blink.
A tiny smirk appeared on Crawford's face. Ran resisted the urge to take a step back.
"Something bothering you?"
What's wrong? Scared?
"…no. Nothing."
Like hell.
The redhead turned and walked away from the desk, leaving his test behind. He swept up his book and papers and turned to leave.
And he would have, except that Crawford was blocking his only route out of the rows of chairs.
Oh shit.
"I think there's something bothering you."
"How would you know?"
"Because I can."
'Because I can.' Damnit! Why did Crawford always give stupid cryptic answers like that? Not only did they confuse Ran, but he could never figure them out. Who could figure them out? God damn it!
"What does that mean?"
"I don't have to tell you."
He certainly couldn't fight with that.
"…what do you want from me?" Ran expected Crawford to say something to the effect of 'your death'. After all, that's what he usually got.
"How many times have you asked me that?" responded the gaijin. Ran blinked. "Every time you're the last one out the door, you ask me what I want from you." Crawford came forward a few steps. "Why do you ask me that?"
"Avoiding the question?" Ran snapped, sweat trickling down his face.
"Answer me."
"I ask because…because you always respond with my death. Why do you want me to die?!" Ran felt a tiny fury building inside him, taking control of his words and emotions. "What's wrong with you?! You're so obsessed with being perfect, every time someone outdoes you, you…you try to kill them!"
It was only an assumption, but it must have been dead on because Crawford blinked in surprise.
"I got the question right and you got it wrong because you misread it. You're not perfect, you bastard!" Ran was nearly screaming now. "Nobody's perfect! You tell me why you want to kill me, what your issues are with me doing something, anything better than you, and I'll answer any damn question you throw at me!"
There was silence following Ran's outburst. That was the most he'd said to any teacher in…years. Crawford was staring at him, shocked. Ran was breathing hard. He was tired of taking shit from this man. It would stop now.
Ah, if only victory wasn't so fleeting…Crawford's look turned to one of twisted, cruel rage and malice. Without warning, he had stalked over to Ran, grabbed his collar, and tripped him…actually tripped him…so he was hanging from Crawford's hand by only his collar. Amethyst eyes snapped wide in fear. He grabbed his teacher's wrist to keep from losing his balance completely.
"You know what I could do if I reported those words?" hissed the older man. "I could get you expelled. Kicked out of this school for good. You could say goodbye to your future, because without a high school diploma you'd be on the streets in a matter of days!"
For a short time, Crawford kept up words that ripped open wounds on Ran's body and rubbed salt into them.
"I know everything about you, Fujimiya. I know where you live, who you live with, and most of all, why you live there. Don't ask me how I know. I just do. Those are personal files, aren't they? It would be a real shame if they somehow made their way into the principal's line of sight…
"I suggest you keep your trap shut. After all, I almost killed you once. I will do it again." He dropped Ran, whose hands slipped from his arm, and stalked out of the room to get lunch.
Silence. No sounds other than Ran's labored, terrified breathing.
Those words…Crawford knew. He knew. He knew about Ran's past. He knew everything. He knew why Ran didn't have a family. He knew. He knew he knew he knew. Ran took a shuddering breath and picked himself up. He gathered his books and left the room, heading for a closet or an empty classroom or something. Anything.
The door - the front entrance to the school - was a mere few feet away. He staggered out the door and into the bright sunshine. Blinded, Ran tripped over one of the steps and fell to the side, off the front path, onto a gently sloping hill. He crashed into the grass and rolled, rolled, rolled until he'd lost all his books and papers and was lying on his back, staring up at the clouds.
Wow…so blue…
How did Crawford know? Ran felt like killing him. Nobody could know! Nobody but Yohji and the people at the special services place. It was personal business, and Crawford had no right to know…
…it's pretty…
Ran stared at the sky and clouds all lunch hour, then picked up his stuff and headed to the gym lockers. He didn't care if his clothes had grass stains on them; after all, so did his PE clothes…
~~~
Ran put his books and folders in his backpack. He was constantly being stuck with flying backpacks and students as they raced for the door, for their buses, for a free ride home for the whole weekend! A weekend in which they could finally be free to do whatever they wanted and not care about homework until it was too late.
Ran just put his stuff away, avoiding strikes as best he could. His heart was pounding slightly; butterflies were crashing into the walls of his stomach.
Ken was coming over…!
Just as he shut his locker, he felt a light tap on his shoulder. He turned halfway around and saw Ken.
"Hey. Are you ready?"
"Uh…yeah."
He zipped up his backpack, slung it over his shoulder, and headed for the door.
"I walk home. You don't mind, do you?" he asked nervously.
"No, I walk home too."
"Oh."
They walked in silence for some time. Ken kicked dry leaves along the street. Ran kept his eyes ahead, looking for the usual markings that informed him when to turn, where to go.
Suddenly a car pulled up next to them; Ran tensed as the brakes gave a slight screech. He backed away from the tinted windows. Ken, however, only stopped walking. What…?
One of the windows rolled down. In the driver's seat was a pale-skinned man with very short, white hair. He was wearing sunglasses, but Ran had the impression there was an eyepatch under the left lens…
"Hello, Ken," said the man in a very quiet voice. Ran noted a tinge of…was that…jealousy…?!
"Hello."
"Is this your school friend?"
"Yes. His name is Ran." Ran nodded slightly in the direction of the man.
"Hn. Just remember to be home in time for dinner."
"Of course."
The window rolled up, and the car drove away.
After a short silence:
"…was that your guardian?"
"Yes." Ken's voice was dampened. He'd grown pale and…even shaky. Ran looked around; it was icy cold…
Suddenly, a sharp blast of cold wind rammed into them. Ken yelled and Ran lifted an arm to protect his eyes. Yet the force of the wind alone was enough to send Ken staggering backwards – right into Ran.
The wind died down as quickly as it had started, leaving the two boys in a fairly awkward state. Ken was almost literally clinging to Ran, and Ran just about had an arm wrapped around Ken's shoulders to keep them both upright. Ken looked up, Ran looked down, and they both leapt apart.
"Oh god! I'm sorry, I didn't mean to…"
"No, it-it's my fault, I should have been watching…"
"I wasn't paying attention, I didn't…" Ken blushed furiously, looking for all the world like a schoolchild who was just told by a girl that she likes him. Ran turned away and lifted a hand to his icy cold cheeks.
Only to find them hot, very hot…
"Ah…" He knew he was blushing. He rubbed his face furiously, trying to make it look like the cold had stung him, and turned back to Ken. Who was doing the same, it seemed.
"Well…ah…we should keep going."
"Yeah." Ken nodded, smiling embarrassedly.
The two of them continued walking for some time, turning at occasional streets, but never saying anything. Soon they had reached Ran's run-down apartment building.
"We're here."
"You live here?" Ken sounded almost incredulous.
"Yes," snapped Ran. Then he sighed a little. "Sorry. I'm just…a little…self-conscious of it."
"It's a nice place."
Ran blinked and blushed a little more. Oh, for the love of…
They entered, Ran using his key to get into the building, and headed up several flights of stairs until they reached his door. Key in, door unlocked, step inside.
Ken followed Ran in and looked around, taking in every corner, every inch of the tiny apartment. Ran felt his face grow hot in embarrassment again. What if Ken thought he was just some poor, stupid man who lived with an even poorer, stupider man?
Speaking of Yohji…
Yohji, who had been dozing on the couch, heard Ran come in. Before he could make his usual greeting of 'yo', he heard a second pair of feet. Instantly he was at the doorless doorframe and peeping into the front hall. Ran saw him look.
Yohji looked at Ran, looked at Ken, grinned like the Cheshire Cat, and started laughing. Ken stared. Ran stared.
"…that's Yohji. He's my roommate."
"Oh," Ken said, looking relieved.
As they took off their shoes and prepared to go into Ran's room, Yohji broke out of his laughing fit and smirked at them both.
"So, Ran! You finally brought someone over! I've been waiting a long time for this to happen." He pantomimed a mother watching her child go on a first date. "My little baby's growing up!"
"Wha…" The meaning of the words finally took full force on Ran. "N-no! It's not like that! Yohji!"
"You're blushing…"
And he was. Ran's face was hotter than the surface of the sun and he could fee lit.
"It's not – he's not – we're not – arrghh!"
Ken blinked, slowly coming to the realization that Yohji thought –
"What?!"
Suddenly, Yohji was up on his feet again and striding towards Ken, grinning madly. Ken didn't even have time to back away before the tall blonde was poking and prodding him, muttering things under his breath. Ran looked as if he wanted to repeatedly bash his head into a wall. Or better yet, repeatedly bash Yohji's head into a wall.
"Hm…nice abs…good muscles…a little short…really nice eyes…you go for eyes, don't you, Ran?"
"Yohji…!!!"
"You play a sport?" questioned Yohji suddenly.
"Soccer," Ken responded, half terrified and half utterly confused.
"Ooh, you got yourself a jock boyfriend!"
Both Ran and Ken looked ready to die.
"Yohji, we're partners on a project. We need to get it done." Ran was suddenly all business, but he didn't look it. Yohji winked knowingly.
"Ah, yes…a school project. Go on, then, into your room…I won't bother you…" He winked at Ken and leaned over to Ran. "Hey, chibi, take advantage while you can! He's a hot one, and a virgin, I'll bet! Girls go wild over guys like him. Hurry before they beat you to him!"
"Yohji!" Ran all but screamed. He was furious and embarrassed: Yohji was predicting his thoughts dead on. The blonde laughed and pranced back into the living room.
Ran and Ken rushed into the bedroom, Ran slamming the door behind them. And locking it, just for good measure. Ken set his backpack down on the floor and sat casually on the bed.
"I'm…sorry about him," Ran confessed. "He's a little…hormonal."
"I've met people like that," Ken responded. "But why did he think we were…you know…"
Ran sighed and collapsed miserably onto the bed.
"He's always wanted me to get a girlfriend, but recently he asked me if I was more into boys. And he just….argh! He wants to hook me up all the time!"
"Oh."
There was silence for a while. Ken looked confused and thoughtful. Ran was far more embarrassed than usual. He'd just said more to Ken than he probably had to any one person since…then. Well, aside from Yohji, anyway.
"…well, we should get started on the project."
"Right."
Ran pulled a notebook out of his backpack and flipped to the pages filled with sketches. He'd done one or two more, of just…simple kindness. They were rushed, though, because he'd done them right before school that day.
"So what one should we use?" asked Ken, lying on his stomach and peering over Ran's shoulder at the sketches.
"Don't know."
"Maybe…that one…?" Ken pointed to the one where a boy was holding out his hand to a homeless person. "Only make it a girl."
"…yeah…" Ran picked up his mechanical pencil and started sketching over the sketch. First he made the boy's face thinner, then added longer hair, changed the figure…he did this all so easily. It was just something that came to him.
He felt Ken slide closer.
"Wow," the boy breathed. "You're really good."
"Thanks."
That was the first time anybody had ever said those words to him since he was 14.
"Ok, so…like this?"
"Yeah. Maybe…make it a little more like a…a real home behind her…with a glowing doorway?"
"I see, I see…" Ran drew furiously, following Ken's words exactly. His hand moved over the paper, his pencil creating new lines, new creations, new worlds.
When he was done, it was insanely sketchy, but finished.
"Wow," breathed Ken again. "That's…that's really good. Really, really good. You're more talented than anyone I've ever met."
"Thank you," Ran said again, feeling embarrassed for the nth time that day.
Ken pulled a folded up piece of paper out of his backpack and handed it to Ran.
"Here, this is the paper you can draw on for the final…sorry it's folded, but my backpack was too small to keep it full size." Ran unfolded the paper and gazed at the plain white surface. He could already see what was going to be where…
"It's ok…folds help sometimes." He smoothed it out on his floor and started sketching very lightly. Ken watched from the bed.
After five minutes, Ken said, "I don't know how you can turn shapes like that into something so…so…amazing."
"It takes practice," Ran responded, starting to connect shapes. "First you need to know what you're drawing, then you need to see it on the paper. Then you sketch it…if that doesn't come out right, keep trying." Body, hair, background… "Once you've got the sketch, then you have to try a few extra copies…but I think I can do this without anything else."
Ken was listening, totally enraptured, as Ran talked and drew. Neither one seemed to notice the passing of time, nor how Ran was actually talking now, not being his normal, locked up, icy self. They were completely trapped in a world of their own creation.
Of their own…
Ran stopped eventually, sitting back and admiring his work. The pencil part was finished. It was perfect, too. He even smiled a little.
When he turned his head to see what Ken thought of it, he found himself nearly nose to nose with the boy. Ken was halfway off the bed, staring at the picture, not noticing that his head was right next to Ran's.
"You're…it's a masterpiece." Ken slid back onto the bed, still staring at the picture. But when Ran got up to put the paper on his desk, he caught a glimmer of tears on the edges of Ken's eyes. What…?
"Ken. Are you ok?"
"…what? Oh! Yes. I'm fine. Nothing's wrong. I'm ok." He furiously wiped at his eyes. "Nothing's bad, nothing's wrong, I'm good, I'm ok…"
"You said the same thing on Monday." Ran folded up the paper and set it on his desk. "And you really didn't look ok then."
Ken didn't answer. He pulled his knees up to his chest, having suddenly gone from enraptured to withdrawn. Ran blinked. That position…that tone of voice…that kind of abrupt mood swing…was familiar.
He did it all the time.
Slowly he sat down on the bed next to Ken.
"…Ken, there's…I think there's something wrong…what is it?"
"Not wrong, nothing's wrong, I'm fine, I'm fine," Ken said, as if Ran wasn't right there next to him.
"Ken."
Ken stopped talking and looked at Ran.
"I know there's something wrong."
"…you couldn't know…"
"I do!" he said a little fiercely. "I do know." Softer now. "I have troubles myself. But yours…must be…" Ran fought with himself. "…must be worse."
Ken's gaze moved to the bedspread. He let go of his knees and pulled his body onto his legs, so he was sitting with his legs beneath him.
"…really. There's…it's not that bad."
"That man in the car. Your guardian. Right?"
"Yes…"
"…You looked pale after you talked with him."
Ken didn't respond.
"Pale, shaky, and…he sounded almost jealous." Ran pulled one leg onto the bed. "Why did he…?"
"It's…it's not his fault," Ken said softly, tracing a pattern on the blanket. "It's just…he really likes me."
…holy shit.
"He doesn't want…anybody to…you know. Take me away."
Ran listened, eyes widening ever so slowly.
"When my parents died," Ken went on, choking slightly from time to time, "he…offered to take care of me. He was a friend of theirs. My parents, I mean."
He paused to swallow. "Since I didn't have any relatives or older siblings, they just…put me in his care. And back then he was nicer, he didn't have any…any problems."
"Problems…?"
"…he…" Ken bit his lip hard. "He's not…mentally stable."
"You mean he's crazy," Ran interpreted.
"No!" Ken said suddenly, loudly. "He's not crazy! And it's not his fault!"
"What? What's not his fault?" Ran pulled his other leg onto the bed. "Ken, what are you talking about?"
"Look, it's just…he's not mean. He's not the bad guy. He doesn't mean to hurt me! He's just lonely…he never had anyone. Ever. Except my parents, and then they died." Ken shut his eyes and clenched one fist. "Some nights, he needs…like, nights after he goes to…therapy sessions. He can't handle it, can't hold himself back. I'm…I'm there. He…"
Ran felt like someone had just slapped him as hard as they could.
The dream…the nightmare…the reality. It had been real. Ken…his guardian…? Why?
"Ken…why…?"
"I told you!" Ken cried. "It's not his fault! He just can't help himself! It's not his fault. He's not bad, he's not…he isn't!" Ken pitched forward as if his back had suddenly given out.
Ran dived forward and caught him, pulling him into his arms. He cradled the boy against his chest, stroking his hair, letting him cry.
"It's not him…it's…not his fault…"
"Shh…relax."
"He's not a bad man…" Tears poured down Ken's face. "…but I wish he wouldn't come near me…"
Ran only held him, let him talk.
"…him…and Schuldig…I wish they would stay away…"
"…what?"
"…the German teacher…hurts me, too…"
Ran stopped dead for a moment. So that teacher…
"You've been hurt too much, Ken. Too much."
"It's…not his fault…I just wish they would leave me alone…I wish he wouldn't touch me anymore…"
Ran held Ken close for the rest of the night.